The Northern Oracle

A long ride since Taiwan

2012-01-10T04:03:00.000-06:00

In short, I stopped blogging because so much had begun to happen around the time of before and after Taiwan. During this time, I was dealing with a health issue the doctors in Japan could not figure out. I decided to go on a diet that I found online by listing my symptoms. It came up consistently as interstitial cystitis. While on the diet, I slowly got better on my own without the help of Japanese doctors.
I was basically forced to move in with my boyfriend Les, who's roommate decided to get up and leave the apartment with less than 48 hours notice. It was a brisk and tough decision, but it was made. I moved in with Les in September and honestly, it just went south from there. Not necessarily us, but me. My moods went south not only because of my continual struggle with my health, but my mental health was faltering. It became so bad, that by November, I was grasping at reasons why I was still in Japan and how much of being there I could take anymore. A lot of other personal issues were involved, but the most important reasons I left Japan on December 8, 2011 was for my mental health.

As for Les and I? Well, he is still in my life. I still love him with all my heart. He has issues he has to deal with as well. I am back at home, slowly trying to readjust and get better. It's been a painstaking process so far. I miss Les like crazy. He not only showed me what a good and compassionate human being can be like, but how opposites can attract. He is someone I would probably never give a second glance to here in Austin. We would have probably never crossed the same paths ever. But, by going to Japan and opening myself up to so many different walks of life, I met him and fell in love. At this point in time we are not putting ourselves in a relationship. Though, we are there for each other. I speak to him nearly every day in some fashion. I'm here for him as he goes through what he needs to go through while I also focus on getting my depression under control.
I've been to two therapy sessions since being home and the third will decide whether I stay with this therapist or not. Our last session was really less than satisfactory.

So, yes. Between Taiwan in August and now (January 10, 2010) I have moved from one apartment into my boyfriend's, went through a lot of crap with my job, had a serious breakdown caused by outside influences, and then I was put on a plane and sent home for my own sanity. Though I feel it may have been a rash decision, I feel now and see that this path was going to happen. I didn't think it would, but I guess I knew deep down I wouldn't have lasted in Japan until August. I just missed too much here at home and needed to heal as well on a whole other level for specific things in my life.

I'm currently on the job hunt and have been since I got home. So far, I'm a UTemp which hasn't given me work yet. I also apply to at least 2-6 jobs a day online. I had an interview with a used clothing store, but didn't make the cut. (I think I had to be a level of hipster that wasn't what they were looking for) So, I made my portfolio website:
www.danicasteinhauser.com

And I continue to go day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am waiting to hear if I got into a school in Canada that is a Grad certification program for Special FX makeup and prosthetics. It's something I want so badly that it almost hurts to think too much about it. If I get denied, I know the blow it will give me. But, no matter what, the one thing I keep hoping and looking forward to is that hopefully Les and I will continue to talk and love each other. If that continues and we both feel the same way we do as of today, then he will fly to Austin and we will drive to Canada together and while he goes to school, I will do my best in finding another program or work that will sponsor me. My goal is to be with Les in Canada by the end of August. But, you know how things go in life. It's never a one way road. It takes twists and turns and you end up in a totally different direction than you originally planned. So, what I just wrote is all my hopes. I can't say plans, but my hopes.

You take for granted a lot of things in life. One is friends. Don't ever take for granted friends that you have. Respect them, keep up with them, be honest with them, and love them. Keep them close. They are what make you sane. Insanity comes easily from loneliness. I've come to see that friendship is something that cannot have a value put on it. One single true friend is worth more than anything in the world. If I was offered to be rich and friendless or rich in friends but poor in cash, gimme the friends.

I'll try and keep up with my blog again. It was doing me good for a while, especially getting over my ex. Which I can finally say in full confidence that I am over. I found love that I don't think I'll ever find the equivalent of again. It's why I want to hold onto it so dearly. Patience. It's not a virtue I have. But, it's what I have to do in order to hopefully see Les again.

Let's see how things roll now? I'm back home and still mending. It's been a month now. But, even after a month I still feel like an alien in my own hometown. Strange how things like that work.

Taiwan in photos...but oh-so many more to come

2011-08-29T11:53:00.000-05:00

Day 4: Taipei 101 and the restaurant called The Modern Toilet

Day 5: Danshui Longshan temple, Snake alley, and another amazing temple

Day 6: Taipei Botanical Gardens and Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall

Taiwan

2011-08-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

This is a very short entry because I have to work tomorrow bright and early. Or at least the early part.
Taiwan in short was amazing. Hualien was my favorite because of the mountains and the ocean scenery. Both were so stunning I felt like I was in a dream world. Taipei was really cool, but very much a city that offers only really what a city can usually do with it's regular sightseeing places.
But this is day 3 there. We came in on the 7th at night and visited the night market and then on the 8th we just decided to take the day to rest and relax.
Day 3 though began our true sightseeing and sweating our asses off. I thought Japan was hot. I could never ever live in the heat and humidity Taiwan had to offer. We were pounding water just to replace all that was lost during the day.
It's not much, but here is our "first" day off sightseeing in the city. We made our way to the National Palace Museum which is quite amazing.

The National Palace Museum home page

Day 3: National Palace Museum - My flickr account with all the photos.

Long needed blog obviously that had not come soon

2011-08-03T13:51:00.001-05:00

Long needed blog: coming soon

2011-07-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

This is Chack. I know his real name, but he's my boss at one of my favorite schools.

This is Alice and Tina. Real names also known, but I won't give 'em because I dunno if it matters or not. Anywho, they are also bosses at one of my favorite schools.

These are just 3 people who I look forward to seeing weekly. They give me the push I need to get back on track and get out of my slump. The tall drink of water that has stolen Tina's hat (I stole Alice's) is also one of the things pulling me out of my slump.

Many photos of general life and general what's up in the near future. Now = bed.
Now I leave this entry with what you generally find behind the counter at a Japanese Starbucks serving your coffee:

Would you like a bun with my bun?
Aaaaaand..... Adieu.

Things are getting better?

2011-06-27T12:14:00.000-05:00

Things are getting better. Day by day. Now that my kids classes are kind of becoming more routine, I find myself getting more and more comfortable with the classes and also less stressed like I was before. Though, one thing that is for sure is that I DO have nightmare classes and those are being dealt with or will be dealt with these coming weeks.
I get quite frustrated by some of the mothers here. I have a class of 7 rambunctious boys and one of their mothers complained I was too strict. The thing is, if I wasn't, these kids would go ape shit and basically I'm up shit creek for the rest of the year. It's also odd to her to have a female teacher for 7 boys and she's worried I'll teach them "Female English" and make them speak like a girl. The lady is a ridiculous cunt.

On the better side of things, I bought an oven. It's small, bakes enough for at least two people but it's so fantastic to have. I've now made crumble, a failed cobbler, and mushroom chicken. I'm so excited to be able to BAKE!

I also am almost one year here in this country. It's had MAJOR ups and MAJOR downs, but I'm kinda finally getting into the swing of things a bit. It took a year, but I think I've become more domesticated and having my own apartment and deciding what to spend money on and basically finally becoming a financially independent adult has made me feel good. I like looking around my apartment and knowing that all this is mine. It makes me feel good.

I'm really looking forward to August when Les and I go travel Taiwan. We'll be only staying in the Northern and Central parts of Taiwan, but that's due to time and also we want to have a relaxing vacation. We don't want to feel rushed. Since I've decided to stay because quite a few things happened to influence me to stay, I plan to see as many countries as I can fit in. Between August and December, I am going to take some days off and go to Korea. Then in the winter vacation, I might go to Vietnam and Cambodia. I'm not sure yet, but I know I will be traveling to the SE Asian area. We'll see. It's very far off and I should focus on Taiwan first.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm feeling much better and much more lighthearted than before. It's a good feeling. I hope it continues this way or hopefully gets even better. I still have my moments. I had some terrible dreams last night about my ex and kinda woke up feeling empty and emotional. I actually started crying, but Les just grabbed me in his arms and held me tight and told me to let it out. He's so wonderful in that way. He doesn't judge me for still being upset with things. He's helping me mend and also being such a help in so many regards.

About 2 weeks ago, he said I love you. To me it was quite a shock because he was very open about it taking him a lot of time to fall in love. To love someone, it takes trust and so many other things that had been missing for so long in my life. I think I realized I loved him a few weeks before him when one day I was just looking at him while he was talking to me and it just kinda kicked me in the ass. I was staring at him and an overwhelming feeling of warmth and just wanted to hug him made me realize I think I was falling in love. It's been over 10 years since that happened. This time, untainted.
He does things that are goofy and he's always trying to make me laugh no matter how I feel. He's a positive being. He's always looking for things to do for me, no matter how big or small, just to brighten my day.
So, it's this strange feeling now. It's been so long since I felt so overcome with a surge of emotion that doesn't ebb, but stays there. When I see him, my heart lifts.
Some people would tell me that I got into this too early. They may be right in ways, but the emotions that have developed would say otherwise. Who knew? I still thinks it's funny to sit and think about how he was in my training group. After training, we never really saw each other. It was random times here and there, but never regular.
I never saw myself finding a relationship here.
Life really throws the crazy balls sometimes.

If I only knew French

2011-06-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

I'm in love. Have been for quite some time with Julien Dore.
Meh, it's just a language barrier. Body language works just as well...
Here's a playlist for his most recent album. Personally, Kiss me Forever is my favorite. Le'te Summer is following close behind, but I've yet to listen to the entire album yet.

Reboot

2011-06-06T08:11:00.000-05:00

So, my last post was dark and dreary.
I've realized now most of my posts of late have been nothing but dark and dreary. Well, I've decided to do my best and reboot myself and my outlook on the coming months.
I came to Japan with one thing in mind. To enjoy staying in Japan and also use the opportunity to travel to other countries close by. Now that I am starting to slowly drag myself out of the hole I was in, I came to realize that home is not the answer to anything I've got going on here. Sure, Japan does magnify some issues, but in general, I've been just a gloomy idiot.
So, for at least the next 11 months, I plan to work my retarded schedule and just suck it up and when it comes to holidays, use them to travel to other countries while I'm here and able.
August is my first big holiday for 2 weeks and I plan on going to Taiwan. It's not China, but it's history is pretty colorful and it's close. It'll be a good start to planning for more excursions outside of Japan. After August, sometime between September and November, I plan to take an extended weekend and go to Korea. I want to spend a few days in Seoul and just get a general feel. It may not be long, but it's one country I know I must visit before I leave.
Then during the holidays, I plan to head over to Thailand. I would like to see Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, etc... Whatever trips I may fit into the amount of time given to us.

Yep. It looks like I will be doing my best to reboot my attitude and do the things I set out to do before coming here and getting sidetracked with dealing with a very substantial bump in the road.
If I find myself feeling down and lonely, family is a phone call away. But, I am ready to stop feeling bad for myself and stop being such a debbie downer.
It's time to explore the world as much as possible while I am young(ish) and able to at this time in my life. I have no kids, no husband, nothing keeping me grounded in one place. I need to take advantage of that.

I am going to vow to myself that from now on posts on my blog will be of positive things. Things that make no sense but only to me, fun things, and adventures in and around Japan and Osaka. Time to reboot my attitude and stop brooding and being dreary over something that is gone and will never return.
Yeah, I miss my family and my pup. But, I have to put to rest my wanderlust or I'll never feel fulfilled or feel like I've missed out on completing goals I've set for myself. Les said it best recently. "You can't enjoy today if you keep thinking about tomorrow." Good words to go by. I've just got to retrain my thoughts and focus on the good things here and the good things in life. I've dwelt too much on the negative and the past and it's hindered and hindering my future. Time to let go. Time to experience good things again.

Rainy days

2011-05-29T00:01:00.000-05:00

It's been nothing but rain on my days off the last couple of weeks. Today, a typhoon is making it's way through so it's pretty wet and somewhat breezy outside. So, I get to spend another 2 days inside when I should be going out. Cabin fever is hitting soon. The also terrible thing is that rainy season apparently has officially started. So, the next month or more will be mostly rainy days.
My school days are starting to become less stressful with the more weeks that go by and the regularity of seeing the same kids starts to become more constant. I can say I hate my last kids class of the week. They all deserve to be slapped in the head. It's 7 boys, all who are little pricks who's parents obviously don't understand the concept of discipline. I can't ever imagine being a teacher. I know me being an ESL teacher makes it a different situation, but jesus, I could never do this for the rest of my life. I get too stressed out.
Things are still day by day. I am half and half on coming home in August. That or I can choose to go to Taiwan on our "summer vacation" and see a different country for 11 days. It's pretty cheap to fly to Taiwan. I wanted to go to Australia or New Zealand, but the amount of money it costs to go there right now is way too expensive and I simply don't have the funds for it. While trying to save to go home and also see other countries is a bit of a juggle. I'm not like a bunch of other people around here that have money out there asses.
There is one girl who's spent most of her teens and youth simply traveling the US on 4 different roadtrips, just hung out in Spain for 4 months, and also random other places in Europe. Now she's in Japan. It must be nice not having to worry about where your income is coming from and where you have to send it or spend it. It's not just her, but a few other people here who clearly have no idea what it's like to actually depend on your paycheck. I don't get some of them here who somehow spend their entire paycheck a week before we get paid. What the hell are you doing?!?
Then again, I dated that for 10 years. Mommy and Daddy pay for everything. It makes you sick to your stomach to ask, so how was your Christmas? "Oh, I got this $$$$$ and $$$$ and $$$$ and etc..." I'm happy to get one present from my family. MY FAMILY. Not from mom, then dad, then sister, then aunt, etc... I get a present from the family. People who disrespect their family to the point of sucking them dry makes me sick. There is no respect at all.
I made a mistake going home during Christmas. It took a large chunk of money I could have put in the bank and also probably would have saved me a lot of grief as well. But, the trade off of seeing family and my pup was just as good.
I have a feeling I'll be sad wherever I go. The deep seed of grief I feel now is how much I miss my dog and how much I'm missing my sister grow up. Those two things get me the most. But, I also miss my grandparents and hearing papa call me sugar britches and here him tell me to always be careful. I miss mama's quiet strength and her just listening to me and talking with me when I would be home before going to work.
And yeah, I miss the comfort of the relationship that was there and the regularity and knowing the other person so well that things kinda were just as they were. They became habit. I guess that was one of the downfalls. Now I don't know how to function in a dating relationship. I feel very alien to it.
Les and I are dating. We talked about it and that's about as far as it goes. A relationship means to be something that is a lot more. It's the commitment and the trust and the love.
I don't have those with Les. Well, I trust him. But, I mean in terms of a long term relationship, that trust should be deeply embedded and stronger than any other bond. Once broken, it's dead.
There is no commitment or love to this dating relationship I have here. It may be adding to my foul moods here because I'm just back to what I was in with Stephen. Why bother? If there is no future or if the words literally that were said was "pointless relationship or uncertain relationship" is used, why bother? Really? I don't have any idea why I should put any effort into something that has nothing to gain from.
I think I've gained insight on how it is to truly be alone. I mean, no family, no friends, and no boyfriend. I relied on boyfriends until I was 27. Now, still at 27 but 6 months on from the breakup, I am finally understanding what it is to be truly alone.

I guess the rain does fit with how I've been feeling. Cold and dreary. It seems I'm doomed to always feel this way. Nothing ever seems to unburden me. I am constantly fighting off some sort of depression or feeling unfulfilled. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. Medication makes me feel worse and the side effects are horrid. All I can do is depress the people around me or make people pretty much despise hanging out with me. I'm a downer. I know it. Too bad I have no idea what to do about it. So, it goes up on this outlet and then I can depress the wider world through the power of the internet.
Glad to be of service.

Day at Minou Falls

2011-05-16T06:06:00.000-05:00

A week ago I was feeling very strongly that I can't do this anymore. Again, I'm juggling with the idea of going home sooner than later. I am taking it day by day because so many things effect how I feel about being here and weighing the pros and cons of staying. As of right now, the cons consistently outweigh the pros, but the pros are much more important issues. Like saving money...that's a big one. I can't return home now because I simply haven't saved any money to come home and comfortably live until I found a job at home.
In the meantime, to keep my sanity, I'm going to attempt to go somewhere and see something around Osaka or take weekend trips somewhere nearby until I've saved enough money to return home.
Today I went to Minou falls. It's a very short ride away from where I currently live in Juso. It was definitely something I needed. Fresh air and waterfalls. Both uplifting things that were needed desperately.

Day at Minou Falls

Hiroshima in pictures

2011-05-08T03:08:00.000-05:00

Here's links to my flickr which I've uploaded all my images from Hiroshima. Les got quite a few more that I actually will upload to my flickr as well with his permission. Especially of the third day because my camera died and I was dumb not to bring my charger.

Hiroshima day 1 at Genbaku dome and Peace Park

Hiroshima day 2 on Miyajima Island

Hiroshima day 3 on Okushima Island

So, I've been in a serious slump for the last few months and have had the strongest emotions in wanting to return home since I've been in Japan since July of last year. The combination of my friends leaving, the new schedule (I have an overwhelming amount of kids), and general feelings of missing home intensified have really made me want to jump on a plane home. I have a few friends and family who all seem that it's best I do make my way home while I have the wisdom of my grandparents and other friends saying that it's best I stay.
One argument is that there is nothing in Austin to return to right now. If I was to leave Japan now, I'd be returning home without really saving much money and finding a job is apparently quite scarce.
The flip side to that is that no matter what time I decide to return home, finding a job is going to be a difficulty no matter what. So, it's really not much of a deterrent for me. But, I understand where the argument comes from.
I also have the side who says that mental health is more important than my financial security. Well, in a way that argument in my mind is absolutely valid. To be hating my life here is not better than just being home and being at peace. But, the issue has been raised that if I was to go back home, how would I deal with the break up that is still fairly fresh? Would it just go back to me being depressed and feeling like I can't really go out because I have the chance of running into my ex and feeling like shit because of that?
At this stage, I've decided to take it month by month. I'll be saving my money as much as possible and then if one day it just becomes a situation where I know completely in my mind I need to get the fuck out, I'm going. I'm not committing to the year in my mind. I'm committing to what is best for me. Right now, I should try and save and then go home. Time will also still help the other issue and I think I still need that as well.
So, I'm still going to stay in Japan for the time being. That doesn't nullify the bullshit that I find day to day here. But, there is also so many great things about this country that becomes taken for granted. Unfortunately, I keep focusing on all the negative things. I've got to let it go. I'm becoming the hateful foreigner I despised meeting when I first got here.
Now I know why and how they got that way.

Hiroshima

2011-05-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

Pictures will come within time as I go through them and choose the one's I like the most. I think I got a million of the A-bomb dome (Genbaku dome) and of peace park. It was a wonderful experience in Hiroshima, but a few blips were definitely felt along the way.

I'll update tomorrow when I start getting into it. It's late and I'm more than tired of a few things here that have really made me rethink if I truly am staying in Japan for the right reasons or if I'm just staying to seemingly run away from things at home. It's ridiculous to stay somewhere you don't want to be.

Steinhauser's log: Stardate 2011/4/25

2011-04-25T06:55:00.000-05:00

I'm relaxing in my apartment right now waiting to watch Game of Thrones with Les and kinda just taking a moment to reflect on things as they are in my life. I'm an "English" teacher who more or less is just someone who gets paid to make little kids scream random alphabet letters and words back at me. I'm also paid to talk to Japanese people who more or less actually want to learn the language.
Then outside of work, I deal with the daily life of living in a country where English is not the first language and I struggle almost daily (mostly my fault for not studying).
Today I felt like I got a lot done and then went out and bought some things that even though they are small things, they keep me feeling like I have a sense of normalcy there. I bought some cherry tomato plants, a wood windchime, some tealight candle holders, and various other odds and ends. I scrubbed down my bathroom yesterday and gave the microwave and the toaster a good bleaching as well. I bought groceries at Costco last weekend and now that I got the fridge this past week, I just filled it with frozen veggies.
It's more of a comfort now knowing my rice cooker is going again and I'll be eating curry as my nom nom food when I get home from my crazy days at work. Even though kids classes are in a way a pain, they at least make the day go by so much quicker. In ways, it's a bit more rewarding as well.

I promised images of my apartment, though the layout has changed just slightly because of the fridge.

There is currently now a fridge with my microwave, rice cooker, and toaster where the mirror is.

There is also a corner shelf now where that mess of wires and boxes are. It looks much nicer with them hidden away with it and also having a place for some books and my plant.

This is my extra window that let's in quite a bit of light including my balcony doors. I have so much light in the daytime that I don't need to turn on any of my actual lights in the house.

So, in a nutshell, that's my new place. It has a lot of character and I really like it as an apartment in Japan. It's different compared to the others I have seen. Everything else is so typical and simple that this place had so much character that I was sold the moment I walked in. It is smaller than the one in Kyoto, but if you were to add the loft on the ground floor, it'd be almost as big. It's nice to have a separate sleeping place vs. having it all in one room.

Another Austinite whow works in Tokyo is coming to stay with me on the 29th for the night. Her and her boyfriend will be staying and so I'll let them have the whole bottom floor or even possibly give them the bed and I'll sleep on my couch that night. I'm taking them out, so who knows if it ends up killing me as an all nighter or if they will be keen on making it a somewhat early night. I'll let the night take us where we end up.

They leave on Saturday and that's when I get to start packing away some comfy clothes and get my camera ready to go to Hiroshima on Sunday. Les and I are staying 2 nights and since Hiroshima has some sort of flower festival on Tuesday, we weren't able to book the 3rd night because everywhere is packed with people. So, I think we will go to Okunoshima (Rabbit Island) on Tuesday and then when we are done there that day, make our way back to Osaka that night. We will be leaving as the masses will be entering the city. But, I will get to see Peace park and Miyajima. I'm really happy to go to somewhere else in Japan that I've been wanting to go to for quite some time now.

Then summer break will come in August and both Les and I are playing with the thoughts of where we want to go. My foremost thought is of New Zealand. He seems to agree. So, it actually looks like I will be putting my money on seeing New Zealand during summer break. That's pretty far into the future from now, but it's something to look forward to. But, plans change and so do lives. Who knows how I will feel in a month from now.
I got a lot done today that's been on my mind and I think releasing that stress from me has helped put me in a much calmer mood. When I need to do something, I'm the kind that wants to do it right then and there and my patience is very short. It's not a trait I like about myself. I'm very compulsive. In ways it can work in my favor, but other times all it does is stress me out.

So, I look forward to my short week this week (3 days) and then the start to my golden week. It all kicks off with Renee and then I will be in Hiroshima until Tuesday night. Then I've got Wed and Thurs to relax before going back to work on Friday.
What'll be nice is that I only have to work Friday and Saturday and then I have my normal weekend that is my Sunday/Monday off. So, I look forward to this coming week. I'll be busy and I'll be posting pictures of Hiroshima before too long.
It's a much needed break since the last 2 months of moving headaches, changes in schedules, and my friends leaving. But, I have to get used to it. It's a regular thing as an expat. People come and go like a revolving door. I wonder how long it will be before I rotate out as well?

Long time, no type

2011-04-21T12:19:00.001-05:00

It's been at least 3 or so weeks since I have posted. A lot has changed. Mostly for the not so good and some for the alright.
First off, I moved to Juso. It's northern Osaka and I'm literally about 3 minutes away by train to Osaka station...the hub of all train activity around here. Juso is considered the "seedy" part of town, but it's more due to it's history of being a red-light district than anything:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J%C5%ABs%C5%8D

I decided to move here because I "would" be closer to my friends. The trips back and forth from quiet and dead Kyoto weren't quite doing it for me. The travel expenses were mounting, but my timing couldn't have been more wrong. I moved in here exactly the day that my best friend I made here left. The void Britta has left being gone is felt quite a bit. My girlfriend and confidant is now back in Canada and I have ever the more reason to go to Vancouver.
The last couple of weeks have been just nuts. Not only did Britta leave, but a slew of other people I felt were quite good people left. I met a couple named Matt and Kanami who after just getting to know them over a few weeks and really enjoying their company, moved to Fukuoka to be near Kanami's parents.
Sciby left mid March and that already was burning a hole in my stomach while waiting for the others to leave. Another couple I tend to get along with, Chris and Lauren, both have been accepted to grad school in Indiana and recently just decided to go back home in July. I moved here to be closer to friends and yet now I feel farther away than ever.

The new school year started and I'm now bogged down with 12 kids classes vs. the 2 I had last contract. It's a huge change and my voice is getting hoarser day by day. I come home and feel like my time at home is precious. The added time of train rides to and from work equal a full 8 hour work day. It may not seem much to others, but it adds up. My time at home feels less and less. So, when the weekend comes, all I want to do is stay in. When you are living in a foreign country, you should be making the most out of it. But, I've been so slacking when it comes to making my time worth while here.
I've settled into my apartment and almost have all the appliance I require (minus microwave and washing machine). I got all my furniture for pretty great or decent prices. (even a fridge for free!) It's the mattress I splurged on and I'm glad I did. I love sleeping on it. It's extremely comfortable and I'm happy I invested the money into it. Too bad when I leave, it's going to be worth less than half what I paid for it only after a year.

Honestly, I dunno when or not if I'll last until April. My homesickness has been so strong lately, that I'm literally fighting with myself day in and day out. I find my mind pre-occupied with loved ones at home. Kaya plays a major role. The person I thought who would be true in their promise to help take care of her has dropped the ball. I should have known from the beginning that it would have been too good to be true to think his heart was in the right place for her. I think it's just the last tie. To sever it means to sever everything for good between us. Which seems to be what he wants. I can catch a hint when I call or email to ask a question and I receive silence back. It's been almost half a year now since we broke up and almost a full year since we saw each other under positive circumstances. I only wish him the best in any case.
I'm still bitter to be honest about particular things, but I think that it's natural. That chapter of my life is closed and it stubbed the finger when I slammed it shut.

I dunno really how I'm feeling at this point. It's almost an indifference. I am indifferent to my time here. I should be enjoying myself and friends should be easier to make. But, I only assume my personality doesn't fall under the few categories that are predominant here. I'm not an Otaku. I don't go out and drink every night. I'm not a pretentious art twat. I'm not the "I am Japanese" and disappear into Japanese society foreigner. But, number one is that I'm not a white male.
Good god. If you are white, male, and single then you have the lay of the land. You want a girlfriend. Come get one. You've got masses to choose from.
The females here? Unless you have a LDR working from home, you have SLIM pickings. Good luck finding love here.
Really. Good fucking luck.

I'll update again tomorrow with images of my apartment. I should probably be off to bed considering I have 3 kiddie classes tomorrow and have to pick up a microwave.
The negativity emanating from my pores is palpable to those around me right now. But, I'm just not happy. I'm unhappy.

Wanna hear what Laryngitis sounds like?

2011-03-30T21:40:00.001-05:00

I'm definitely being very open with how horrible I look in the morning, but this is basically what I sounded like for 3 days and then the gradual improvement still made me sound like I was sick. I'm still being affected by it and I still have a slight cough and my voice is still not 100 percent.

It's not fun being sick.

Making a leap

2011-03-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

I'm no longer going to be a Kyoto resident as of tomorrow evening. I fell in love with this city in 2005 and vowed to myself I would return and live here. Mission accomplished. Little did I know that Kyoto socially is probably the worst place to be. As an older 20-something, it's simply filled with married couples and/or families that come to settle here. It's no place for someone who looks for the entertainment a hub of activity that Osaka can provide. I love Kyoto for it's beauty and it's history.

I still love Kyoto. That hasn't changed, but spending the ungodly amount on train fair to get back and forth between Osaka and Kyoto is just ridiculous. There is a downside to the move. Britta leaves the day I move into my place. It's starting to hit me now a bit more after she gave me her financial info so I can send her home her last paycheck. It feels so bittersweet. She and I really had a connection and now I'm losing the one friend I think that I truly felt I found a best friend in. She will always be my friend and I know that I will visit Vancouver just to see her. It's not if but when. When I move back to Austin, she plans on coming to see me eventually. Who knows when, but it will happen one day. Maybe not for a couple of years, but I promise to make it happen.

I'm ready to make the jump to Osaka though. It means access to so much. I'm moving to part of Osaka called Juso. In this area, I'm about an equal distance from Kyoto, Kobe, and literally minutes from Osaka. I'm on a train line now called the Hankyu line that is much cheaper than the JR line that I am now on.
The new schedule starts Friday and what's great is that all my schools are one shot away on the Hankyu line. There are no change over's like I had to frequently do with where I live now. I have been lucky so far in acquiring things that I need for my apartment. I found a really amazing couch for only 8500 yen which is about $70 USD.

Thanks to Les, he's been letting me slowly take bags of things day by day to store at his place to store until I move. If everything goes as it should, the movers should be coming tomorrow to pick up my things to move. It's amazing how much crap you somehow acquire only in 10 months. His roommate is less than thrilled to have another girl kinda invading the apartment a bit, but it's not like I get in her way. They have a third room where this couch is sitting and it's quite out of the way with my stuff on it.
He's been quite the help. I don't get my piece o' heaven mattress until the 3rd, so I have a place to stay until then. I can start moving everything in starting on the first though. I have to be there on the 3rd to get my gas turned on and also have the mattress delivered. My internet won't be installed probably within a couple of weeks, but I will still be available through my iphone. It's times like these that I'm glad I have that little machine.

A lot will be happening within the next week so I will do my best to try and keep my blog up to date with progress. I'd love to take pictures of the new apartment and show my first real place that I got myself and it's mine. Finally, at 27. I did this myself. (well, with a lot of help with Les) :P

Day trip with Britta to Nara

2011-03-24T00:35:00.000-05:00

I had a day trip with Sciby literally maybe 2 weeks ago before he set off back to Australia. Britta has never been and I had been itching to take my good camera with me to take some photos of Nara. I find it very amusing that both times I went, it started raining. So, I'm gripping my camera under my umbrella while also making sure my bag doesn't get wet because my lenses and phone are in there as well.
I think she had a pretty good time. It wasn't rushed and everything was just relaxing. I wish I could take away some of her anxiety for her move and what's to come in the near future, but I think once she's home, she'll feel better about life in general.
These are just some shots of our day:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/g00nie9183/sets/72157626212226963/

I also went through the nostril sized hole in the pillar a second time. That means that I should be able to reach complete enlightenment by becoming a giant Buddha booger. Twice! I wanted to get video of me going through and I went pretty fast compared to my time with Sciby. It's a bit awkward because all the Japanese people stand around and watch this blondish foreigner make her way through the hole. I was like "eh...eh...eh... through! Ok. Moving on!"

It's funny you can literally see me at the end be like, ok let's go.
But, otherwise it was a day just for me and her. Sunday I'm taking her to Koyasan because I am in love with Koya. It was the reason I vowed to return to this country and this will be my third time there. She has to see something like Koya before she goes. I'm not a spiritual or religious person. But when I'm there, it's literally a spiritual and calming feeling that envelopes me. I still don't know why.
So, It'll be a busy weekend. My favorite school's end of year party is on Saturday night, so I have to make it a easy going night. It needs to be that way anyways because I'm recovering from laryngitis and pharyngitis.
Voila, I am on antibiotics yet again. This time the doc told me I have to use a mask because I have bacterial laryngitis and it is contagious. I guess those stupid things do serve some purpose. I sound like Marge Simpson's sisters Pam and Selma on crack. I sound horrid. It happens at least once a year though. Usually I get bronchitis. Another day of rest and possible stir craziness. I guess I can just continue on packing.

It's a difficult time in Japan

2011-03-19T04:28:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry to take so long to write in my blog. I've been preoccupied and extremely busy especially with the heavy burden of Friday March 11, 2011 on my mind. I had been in my apartment simply enjoying hanging out with Les when Sciby skyped me asking if I was ok. All I thought he meant was "How is it going?" I thought he was asking about my general well being. "Hey, yeah, I'm fine!" I was more concerned about how he was doing since he had landed home in Australia after 3 and half years here literally two days earlier. Little did I know he was watching footage at home in Australia about the massive quake. He mentioned the earthquake and I didn't really think much of it. Japan is full of the. But, when he said it was an 8.9 magnitude at the time, I threw on the news and saw the devastation in progress.
I watched as the tsunami waters receded and saw all the overturned boats and the footage of the massive wave simply wiping out the small towns on TV. I couldn't believe the devastation. It took a few days for the damage to be fully exposed and it's been on everyone's mind since. All my lessons seem to steer towards the subject. A few students of mine are in an unhealthy state of mind because they've stuck to the TV screen about everything occurring. I don't recommend this because it only puts you in an extremely low state and only effects your well being when everything is out of your hands.

What irks me is the level of sensationalism America and other countries have decided to take this to. While Japanese have been stoic and calm throughout this catastrophe, Americans are stockpiling on anti-radiation medicine. WTF?! The shit happened here in Japan. If anybody needs those meds, it's these people. If you are kind enough to donate, please find the local red cross in your area and I'm almost positive that they have a fund set up for Japan right now. So many places do.

Here are some links that my personnel department sent to us located in the Kinki region:

A site that has collected very credible information is the MIT Nuclear Science and Engineering Nuclear Information Hub http://mitnse.com/. They have dedicated their homepage to providing up-to-date and accurate information available from Fukushima. Please take some time to read through the entire page as they even go into a highlight review of what has happened over the last couple of days.

For information about current radiation measurements throughout Japan, please have a look at the Nuclear Safety Technology Center’s website: http://www.bousai.ne.jp/eng/.

Gaijinpot has created a special website which posts regularly updated information about the current situation, along with advice and precautions that people should take. Please have a look at the following: http://injapan.gaijinpot.com/earth-quake-information/

I'm fine. As of today, so far nothing has sent me packing. But, I'm still on the cautious side of things and will remain there until I'm 100% sure it's ok to stay. I'm moving April 1st into Osaka to be closer to my friends and have the ability to make new ones. I love Kyoto, but the general state of people placed here are that they are married men and/or set in their ways and not open to making new buddies. I will be farther away from my friend Shoko, but taking that train is nothing compared to having her as my friend. I'll take photos of my new apartment which I really love and be more regular with updates of things happening here.

My kid classes ended today and I'll post photos of them soon. It was a heartbreaking day and I got nothing but love and presents from all of them. I brought them presents too though, so hopefully they felt the love as well. Next year is going to be a doozy.

Goddammit, addiction!

2011-03-08T22:16:00.000-06:00

R.I.P. Mike Starr

I remember exactly where I was when I heard Layne Staley had passed away and I was crushed. Now another one of the founding members of Alice in Chains has passed away to yet again, addiction. Alice was a big part of my youth and my angsty teen years. They have been a big part of my musical history because I listened to them more than any band excluding David Bowie. I remember going to the beach with my family and my mom and dad would be blasting Facelift while we were building sandcastles.
Any Alice fan I've met has been pretty cool in my books.
Their song on Facelift called "We die young" has started to become a prophecy. I just hope that Jerry Cantrell and Sean Kinney can dodge this bullet. I only wonder what both of them are thinking right now. After Layne passed away, I knew that the band had dealt with his addictions for a long time and that's one of the many factors the band parted ways. It's also why the later albums had more of Jerry taking over in vocals and Layne kinda layed back a bit more. He was so involved with drugs that his involvement with recording and singing took a backseat a bit. I remembered how upset Jerry was in interviews when discussing Layne's passing.
Now Mike Starr has passed away and it's just another blow.
RIP Mike Starr. RIP Layne Staley. Both of you are missed and going to be missed forever for all the Alice fans out there. It's just another reason why people should realize addiction is not something that should be taken lightly. It's a disease.

My last times in Japan with Sciby

2011-03-07T08:15:00.001-06:00

I missed Sciby's going away shindig because I could not for the life of me leave my apartment. I've been exhausted lately because sleep hasn't been so kind. I look really tired and I think things that shouldn't bother me do.
My ex has barred all communication. Even for an email that is me trying to be civil to ask him if he'd like some of the photos and video/production footage I have on my hard drive. I also have tons of press kit stuff and also just general photos. I don't plan to get rid of them because they are a chapter of my life. An important one. But, I get nothing back. Silence. I think I understand why and I'm not going to get mad about it. It's more that I'm feeling like I'm not even respected enough to at least get a "yes." It could be a one word answer and that would at least let me know he would like these things. Either way, I'm sending all of it to him whether he wants it or not. What he does with it all, I guess I will never know.

Putting that aside, Sciby and I went to Nara on Sunday and just moseyed around the area. I hadn't seen the Daibutsu (giant Buddha) yet in Todaiji temple, so we headed there and I got to crawl through the hole in a pillar that is supposed to be the size of his nostril. If you make it through, you should be blessed with a lifetime of good luck. If anyone needs it, I do. I am now a booger of good luck hopefully.

He wanted to go to another area around Todaiji which was another smaller temple that overlooks Nara and Todaiji. We didn't understand why so many people were just standing around and there were very official looking people walking around. But, we went up and just took in the view. When we realized something serious seemed to be happening soon we both decided we might as well stick around and see what was up.
Well, this was what was up:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shuni-e

So, we stayed up top on the temple rather than down below. When we looked down, the amount of people was overwhelming. I couldn't believe how many people were down there in the rain. We were nice and comfy up at the top covered under the temple and close to the bell and the men running with the fire. It was quite an amazing experience.
Here's 3 videos I have from behind the scenes rather than down below:

It was a fantastic experience and one that I love that we just happened to stumble on. That's what I'm going to miss most about Sciby and I. We always ran into these random happenings whenever we went out and explored some area of Japan together. I'm going to miss him a lot and it's really bittersweet he's leaving. Sweet because I know he knows it's time to move on from Japan, but bitter because I'm losing one of my closest friends here. It doesn't feel good. That much I can say.
I know he'll always be my friend though. It may be across the world, but I know he'll always be there. I just want to keep in contact regularly or as much as either of us can do.
Sniff.
This post is just making me sad.

Picnics in the park

2011-02-28T05:40:00.001-06:00

I haven't been on a picnic in god knows how long. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I ever went on a picnic. Les suggested going on one the day before, but the forecast said that it was going to rain. When I woke up the next day, it was sunny and warm in the sun. So, at the last minute we grabbed some things and made an impromptu picnic in the park near his apartment. It was just so nice. We just sat in the sun and talked while the weather was beautiful. We had plenty to watch including children playing, old Japanese men doing calisthenics, and women walking their dogs.
It was sweet and I really enjoyed it. It was just such a simple thing to do, but it makes you realize little things like that make a difference in your mood and general well being.

We spent the rest of the day trying to look for work pants for me, but that was kinda a failure. I figured it would be in a way. I hate shopping for pants. But, we found a thing we both love to do and that's books. So, we went to the new book store that opened that has a pretty good English section and we both geeked out for a while. I love having a book partner to share suggestions with. We both read similar stuff, him more sci-fi and me more the fantasy route, but it all meets in the middle honestly. I hope he likes Rendezvous with Rama that I got for his birthday. If not, it'll edit my ideas of what kind of sci-fi he likes.

This little girl was the most awesome little girl I've ever seen:

Yeah, Sunday ended up being a really nice day and evening. We also watched Troll Hunters, which is a bit more funny in the trailer, but definitely a must see if you like silly movies like that. So far I've been pretty content. Some brushes with homesickness concerning my pup, but so far just being content.

It's a good feeling.

Immaturity

2011-02-25T08:08:00.000-06:00

I'm so tired and sick of people who are in their adulthood, yet act like 15 year old immature teenagers. I can't stand it anymore and I'm starting to despise anyone I meet who is over the age of 30, yet cannot for the life of them get out of the selfish and immature stage of their life. They continue on this way without any disregard for people around them.
One thing that irks me the most are people who take advantage of other people to their own advantage and yet it seems they feel nothing or could care less about the welfare of those they are sucking dry. Then again, those that let them take advantage of them are also at fault.
I was one of those people. Now this burning fire in the pit of my stomach makes me really find this mentality to be such a turn off that I don't really want to have anything to do with those like this.
Maybe anger is starting to replace hurt, but I'm realizing my anger is not unjustified.
Selfish people are one's to avoid. One's that in their lifetime, once they have lost the "support" they keep attaching themselves to, are going to lose the most in their life. They will be left out by themselves and will not know how to take care of themselves or they will be forced to grow up so quickly, their mind will be a whirlwind.
Immaturity and selfishness have to be the worst traits to me right now in my life. When I speak of immaturity, I'm talking about grown adults who still play games like they are 16 and can't face up to anything. They use the "silent treatment" to approach solving a problem.
Hypocrisy goes along with this. Immaturity, selfishness, and hypocrisy seem to all join hand in hand at some point and having to deal with that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and back away from anyone showing signs of these flaws in their personality.
I sound angry, but I'm actually just quite fed up and am exhausted from those like this.
I'm done.

February fitness update

2011-02-22T10:48:00.000-06:00

I'm still going at the crunches every other night. I've increased the reps to 25-30 each for each segment and so I don't use Mr. 8 minute abs anymore. So, I can listen to my music or watch a movie while doing them. This is the longest I've stuck with a workout regiment and I've started my legs not too long ago. But, I've been doing those on and off for a while now. I want to make it a regular exercise like I do my crunches. Japan makes it easy to get a bit of cardio since most of the ways I get around are on foot. I also ride my bike and I have to admit I like to dance in my apartment to music.
So, I've been doing more than I ever have when I was at home in Austin. Once weather gets a bit warmer, I plan to start up my running again. I have no excuses really to not start that now, but I just feel like I should wait until it gets a bit better outside before going at that again.
I hope I can keep this up.
I'm currently at 48kg which is about 108lbs. If I can just maintain that weight, I'll be happy. I don't want to get thinner and I don't want to gain any weight. I'm happy where I'm at now with my weight and hopefully the muscle I'm building is helping my metabolism. My string bean arms are being working on. But, they look pathetic. I still am going to include a pic of how tiny my muscles are, but I'm trying!
So, this is my stomach not too long after crunches. What makes me happy though, is that they tend to stay this way mostly now. My pudge is finally going down enough for me to notice that it's much smaller than it used to be.

This picture is a bit awkward, but it's me showing the definition in my lower stomach. Especially on the sides. I look like have no boobs in this pose. I swear it's an optical illusion.

String bean arms! But, I'm trying to make them more defined and toned. The only big thing I'm against is getting Madonna arms though. I'll be avoiding that like the plague.

I had a regular student tell me today that I looked too thin. I dunno really what to say to that except that I've been sick for quite a while now. One thing after the other has occurred lately, but I'm hopefully on the mend now. So, maybe any of that water weight or some fat will come back to my face and what not. I dunno. I think I look ok, but maybe I have a distorted image of what I look like. I'm aiming for toned. I don't want to be sickly looking. If that's the case, someone please comment. I often wonder if I have a very skewed perspective of my body.

Either way, I'll continue increasing my crunches and adding some weights on my legs to intensify that as well. I want my stomach to be BAM! for beach weather. I'm tired of always dreading bathing suit season.

Here's just a regular picture of me on Valentine's day:

I miss you Texas

2011-02-18T06:06:00.000-06:00

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic or homesick for Texas the last week. I've been through a course of antibiotics for almost 3 weeks now. First, when I got the stomach flu. Then I had to do a second round of antibiotics for BV, and then a round of antibiotics for a UTI, bladder, and kidney infection. It seems with antibiotics, you start one and then it immediately causes your body to become out of balance somewhere else. It's been extremely frustrating.
I went to a proper gynecologist today in Osaka and I still didn't feel taken care of like I do at home, but it was better than Mr. "I'm pushing on your pelvis..."ok, that's a bladder infection" man. It's never ending illnesses here. I know it's because I'm in a foreign country which introduces new strains of bacteria, but dammit, I just want to be healthy and not have to worry about one thing after the other for a while.

I've been listening to WASP and The Cult for a while tonight. I dunno what's stroking my 80's metal bone again, but then again, I'm always turned on to 80's rock. I wish I could meet someone here who is as much a nerd for 80's rock as I am. Anyone who can giggle about me wanting to be Blackie Lawless for Halloween one year or someone who can appreciate that when I get out of the shower, my hair looks like a giant 80's hair sprayed monstrosity. I want to meet a girl who finds Zakk Wylde's and Slash's guitar stances the sexiest. I doubt I'll ever meet someone like that except my mom.

So, goes my existence. I have these strange fixations or love of things that seem to be rare in people. Or at least definitely here in Japan. Everyone has their fascination and love. I respect that and I like learning about new things from new people and learning about their obsessions. But, sometimes it's nice to have one person who has one shared obsession. Britta and I have art and then certain bands for sure. But, she is going to be busy with her cousin for the next 3 weeks and then 2 weeks later, she leaves to go back home. I'm not looking forward to it because she's sorta my wanderer buddy and someone I've grown extremely close to in only a matter of months. I can talk with her about almost anything. I'm getting caught up on who's leaving too much.

Sciby leaves in less than 20 days. That'll be another shock even though lately we haven't seen much of each other. A lot of changes are coming and I'm gearing myself up for the sudden change. A lot of people I've just recently met and finally gotten to become somewhat more than an acquaintance with are leaving in April. It's going to bring in quite a new crowd of recruits and suddenly only after 9 months, I'm gonna be pushing towards the veteran side of this job. It's amazing what the high turnover does and makes you feel like within such a small time period.
Let's hope for some good people in those groups. I'd like to meet more Brittas and more Scibys. But, I doubt it.

I'm also ready for spring. So, ready.

DTR

2011-02-13T19:37:00.000-06:00

So, the first words out of a couple of my training group's mouths were "So, did you DTR?" I just went huh? "You know, define the relationship?" Oh.
I know that Les shares the same sentiment that this is what it is. If you enjoy each other's company, why do we have to immediately jump onto facebook and label everything right away?

I've met someone that makes me happy and also makes me feel special. I wish that this whole cyber "gotta label it" would go away, but since I do live in the real world, I guess that I might as well and just go with it. I'm not embarrassed or could even care what anyone thinks about me dating Les.
He makes me happy. Really happy.

I'm monogamous and so if I date, I date exclusively. It's just hard wired. I have friends that were all telling me to play the field and what not, but I just don't do that. I realize now I shouldn't have to apologize for being what I am or being someone who when I like someone, it's only that one person.
Of course crushes come and go, it's only if you act on it that separates you from the assholes.

I've been told I'm a serial monogamist. If so, then so be it.
I'am what I'am.
All I know for sure is I expect a lot of comments from certain people questioning me about a retarded facebook status. My answer is "In the grand scheme of things, how does this truly effect you?" I'm happy and that's all that matters. If I decide to change my status, either have something positive or funny to say or just lay off.

mmm yum. blech.

2011-02-12T02:11:00.001-06:00

Yogurt is horrible. I hate it.

I even just added cranberries and some low fat granola to it and the cup is so small. I think I put in more granola and cranberries than I should have. But, god. It tastes like rotting milk! How do people eat this crap? If it doesn't start to help me, I'm nixing the stupid yogurt. I take a giant spoon or I buy the one's that are literally liquid and take them as a shot.

There's my random thought for today. I also finally found really small bottles of cranberry juice at the foreign store. C'mon natural remedies. Work like you are always are hyped up to be. Go probiotic yogurt. Go cranberries. Go cranberry juice.

Make me a normal person. I can sit and eat cranberries all day, no problem. It's the yogurt that gets me.

The last few posts have been highly negative. I should refrain from writing when I feel like punching life in the face.
And missing my dog and certain people.

Lighthearted

2011-02-07T08:17:00.001-06:00

I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride here. There are still major things about Japan that frustrate me beyond belief, but I've been noticing that when I came back from break in Austin, I realized I had made a home here. No matter how crappy everything started off, I had made myself a nook here and I wanted to return. All the craziness at home was becoming too much just for the 2 or so weeks I was there.
It's isolating in Kyoto, yes. But, I've been slowly coming around to meet more people. It took a while. I had to break out of my shell and break out of the "relationship" cloud I was in.

Even though Britta will be leaving at the end of March, I know I've made a lifelong friend. If I hadn't come to Japan I wouldn't have had met her. I wouldn't have gone into my training group and met all of them. Though our training group has split off, we still see each other every once in a while. Straight from the beginning of training, there was always Les. He always seemed so concerned about me. He would always go out of his way to make sure I was ok. Because c'mon, I had a shit time for the first 6 months. I met this person that was obviously one of those people everyone immediately attaches themselves to because they are so kind and caring.
Being the monogamous person, I had a crush on Les, but it was not even spoken. You can have crushes while in a relationship. I know that for a fact. It's if you act on those feelings that divides the shitheads from the people who are worth it. I had a crush on a guy named Jesse in Austin for the longest time, but I was with Stephen. I just didn't say anything. Because as someone with morals, you just don't. Vulcan brought in eye candy all the time. Avery and I crushed on a guy that we swore was a half-Asian model. He was striking. BUT! We both had boyfriends. It's all about respect. Or as Ali G says:

Anyways, I came home after Christmas with a complete scab on my heart. January went by and it was filled with friends and good times. It was filled with people I got to be around and have a good time with. I started feeling the scab on my heart shrink. I was starting to feel that everything was how it should be. I still feel that way.
But, the last thing I expected was to go out Thursday night and have my world turned literally upside down. I'm not going to spout kittens and puppies or rainbows, though some might shoot out of my eyeballs every once in a while, but I think I met a genuine person. I wasn't looking to date. Actually, it was the last thing on my mind. I thought of dating akin to something that would happen far, far down the line. Officially, Stephen and I have been broken up 3 months. Emotionally, I'm assuming it's much longer.
Well, here it is to all my 2 readers. I am dating again and it feels good. Rebound you say? Meh, I say Potato, you say Potahto. It is what it is. It's me liking someone and them liking me back. It's me kissing someone without more intention than to kiss. I forgot what just kissing felt like. I forgot what it felt like to have someone reach out and grab your hand just because they want to hold it. I forgot what it felt like for someone to look at you with a sparkle in their eye. I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated and be told I was pretty. Or that "I saw you the other day and had to do a double take." Really? Is this what it feels like to get a compliment? What do I do?
I sit and turn red and blubber my way through it. I can't talk back because I'm not used to it.

I forgot what it felt like to talk all night. I forgot what it felt like to not want to stop talking. I still have a strange reaction to the support I'm getting. I feel like someone's got my back and I didn't ask for it either. I've already laid out all my cards on the table. The history with my dad. The recent break up. (But, that's obvious) What do I get? Support. I'm going through a personal body issue that worries the hell out of me and what do I get? His mom used to be a nurse and he's already spoken with her and I got her advice from him today. His reaction to this issue? Concern and support.
He's genuine. He's caring, kind, selfless, and honest.
Yeah, I'm shooting rainbows through my eyes now, but it's the truth. I'm sure I have rose colored glasses on, but what makes me the most happy is I told my grandparents and they literally said "Well, about time."
I've told them about him from the beginning of training because he was always there to help me out. They know who he is through me conversing with them over the past 8 months. They've constantly wanted me to have someone that was a good person. When I told mama, I could here papa say while he was playing his computer game "well, about damn time."

And who is this "him" I keep saying? Well, duh. Les.

I can already hear the swarm of buzzing mouths going crazy in Austin because "Danica is dating again. Oh, after all that pain she's been through, she's already started dating." This is my proverbial fuck you to all of those people. This is my I'm not going to hide the fact I've decided to date because a certain ex is a hypocrite and erases and blocks me from facebook, yet reads my blog. This doesn't make me a bad person. It's strange how it tries to, yet I'm not doing anything wrong. At all. I think those residual feelings of the way I was always forced to feel guilty over nothing has seeped into my life and is trying to make me feel like I shouldn't be talking about it.

Screw that. After feeling like I've been cold-shouldered for so long, it's amazing what a hand being held will do.
I will forever love Britta.
It made me crack up hysterically when Les told me that when we left the karaoke joint, she pulled him aside and told him straight to his face "I want you to take her and I want you to just make out with her." I can completely imagine and hear her saying that. She's been all about this healing process and also someone who's had my back since day one.
I hope to be the same for her. I think I have, but I'll keep being there.
We are having a Valentine's dinner thing together on Sunday with a group of gals. No men allowed.
But, Monday, for the first time in god knows how long, I feel excited about Valentine's.
What gets me is that he said "I want to take you on a proper date. A real date." Not the hanging out, drinking at an Izakaya bullcrap. He wants to actually take me on a date.

Yes, I'm dating again. I'm dating Les and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Because, I've got nothing to feel guilty about. I was broken up with. I was told so many shitty things. I dealt with so much. I hope this is a turning point in my year. I hope it's the beginning of a good year and not like the shitty end-half of 2010.

I still have my cynicism's of course. How can I not? I have one bad thing happen to me after the other. So, I hold my breath slightly through all of this. If anything, all this is, is another experience that will only make me stronger. Dating is a new thing for me. It's almost brand new. So, I'm treading slowly and cautiously. As of right now, so far, so good. I feel lighthearted. And that's all I need to feel right now. My heart has been so bogged down. I embrace the change.

Nevermind...

2011-02-05T03:04:00.000-06:00

I'm not looking forward to tonight (the birthday party). I went back on antibiotics for an issue that popped up within the last few months that require me to not drink alcohol or have anything cooked with alcohol. I started them last night and it's been 3 doses so far. I'm kinda pissed because I just found this amazing Onigiri type of roll that is vegetable rice wrapped by some marinated tofu. I ate that as breakfast this morning and not long after, I started feeling really nauseous. I hope to god that the marinade on the tofu doesn't contain some sort of cooking wine or something strange like that.

Britta is also out of commission and won't be joining me. We went out Thursday night because for whatever reason, my job sent me to Umeda (Osaka) to work. It ended up being an all-nighter because I have Fridays off and she didn't have to work until 3pm or so the next day. She got pretty trashed and I felt so bad because it seemed to have been one of those drinking nights where the alcohol just creeps up on you and slams you on your feet.

A lot of unexpected things happened Thursday night. I'm meeting more and more people which helps with the isolated feeling I've had for so long. I work with a great gal named Rachel for just a bit on Mondays at my Shijo school and she told me that every Thursday they do karaoke in Juso. So, if anything, on Thursdays I can go into Juso where a lot of my friends live and have a good night singing. Or if you want to call it singing. My voice is gone by 2 songs. I don't get it. Then I'm left to screaming the rest of the night. guuhhh. There is a video of me on my iphone basically yelling Girls just wanna have fun and I didn't realize Rachel was saying Girls just wanna get fucked in replacement. Color me unawares...or just drunk. But, ouch. Nobody should ever here me screech like that. You can also see Britta sitting below me completely gone.

Now I'm just exhausted after a long and busy day as well and have to sit on a train for an hour to not really stay out for very long to get back on a train for another hour home. I'm not doing an all-nighter again. It's not physically possible. Since I won't be drinking, I also will get to watch everyone else get drunk slowly while sipping on my water. I'm used to that anyways at home, but now I'm pretty ok and comfortable with social drinking. It feels strange now to go out without at least having one drink. They also water that stuff down unless it's beer, which I don't drink.

Well, off to Kobe I go. It's gonna be fun times on the train. :(

I'm famous

2011-02-02T07:47:00.004-06:00

Pshh.
No, I just made it on the homepage of my favorite school. I'm sitting with two really great teachers, Amy on my left and Robby on my right. Robby is hilarious. He's the one I tend to talk to the most during the shift, but Amy is also so busy with kids classes that I don't get to see her as much. Amy is from Australia and has told me quite a bit about the education system in Australia because she IS an actual English teacher. Robby is from California, somewhere near San Francisco.

The staff at this school are so great. Alice is my School Director and she is probably the most helpful and positive SD I have met. She is warm and inviting compared to some of the other SD's. It seems the smaller schools tend to have SD's who are more approachable. But, I guess at a larger school, the SD's there have even more responsibility so they tend to be a bit like "Is business. Is business time." The biggest school in the Kansai area, the Osaka Umeda School, is so large that most teachers there still have no idea who the SD is. Anyways, then there's the staff. That would be Tina, Kaoru, and Heidi. These girls are the sweetest and they crack me up constantly. Tina especially.

I feel bad I don't know that guy's name. He isn't there usually when I am and if he is, it's very brief.
This is just a random quick blurb of an entry. It was just kinda cool when I came into my shift today and Tina was showing us our photo on the main page of the school.

Otherwise, It's been a pretty regular week. Nothing exciting or new to say. I bought some frozen edemame and made my own at home. Though, cooking edemame probably is akin to pouring milk in a cereal bowl. I swear, I need to take some cooking courses. I know I can cook, but I have to have recipes. If I don't, I promise the most I could make off the top of my head is mashed potatoes.
I'm also looking forward to Baxter's b-day on Saturday. There are going to be a lot of people there I haven't ever met because they live in the Kobe area. Of course, my other half here will be joining me. If it starts to go south, her and I plan on moving ourselves to our own personal party.

Britta's cousin comes in on the 20th, so I'm of course going to be the Kyoto tour guide. I'm more than happy to do so. She's going to be here 3 weeks, so I know Britta is stoked. They plan to go to Tokyo and Korea while she's here. I'm a bit jealous because I was an idiot and took all my 5 days off during the Christmas holidays. I shouldn't have done that. But, how was I supposed to know in September that I was going to come home to a completely changed situation on the home front? Meh. I still got to see my pup and reconnect with old friends.

I've been working on my words now for the GRE. You can stop reading from here on down. I'm just writing out sentences I created using the words I memorized today. This is totally just for me.

1. When his ex-girlfriend entered the bar, he absconded to the nearest exit.
2. Her musical taste was quite aberrant compared to the rest of her class.
3. His alacrity for the job was extremely inspiring.
4. We were surprised by the anomaly of her grade point average being so low because we knew her to be extremely intelligent.
5. It's very important for a teacher to give appropriate approbation to a student.
6. The trek up the mountain was quite arduous.
7. She couldn't seem to assuage her grief over the loss of her mother.
8. Houdini was an incredibly audacious man.
9. The living room in their house was quite austere.
10. It's axiomatic that an animal must have self-preservation instincts.

Kindred spirits

2011-01-30T11:09:00.003-06:00

I had such a good day today. Britta and I made plans to get together and go explore Kyoto without any plans on where we ended up. So, the day took us by the seam of our pants and it ended up in the most fun and also some of the most interesting of situations.
I'll post a link to the photos first, but the video to me is the best part:

A day in Kyoto with Britta

So, we started off just taking a bus to the Gion area since there was an artist that lived around there that had some crazy sculptures I wanted her to see. But, what we didn't expect to come across was a massive group of women dressed as Maiko having professional photoshoots being done of them. It was fascinating to watch. What I loved the most was seeing one couple though that went together in these old outfits and showed open affection for each other. It's not a common thing really I've noticed. It seems couples are very conservative in public with their affections for one another. I rarely see a kiss. Never a kiss. (Images of the couple are in the Flickr link above)

As we passed this pagoda I've been by quite a few times now, it was randomly open. It's never open! So, Britta kindly took a photo of me inside the pagoda area and we moved on from there. Nothing exciting to really say about that. We made our way through the mazes of back streets and just continued on finding some amazing places along our random route. We ended up sampling mochi and drinking hot green tea to get out of the cold for while. Then we went off again in the cold to explore some more.
She loves this small stretch of a street that is more of an alley than what you would call a street. It's one of the oldest in Japan and leads to the bar area in Kyoto. Along the way through we found the sweetest and daintiest cat I've ever met, found a tiny playground, and rode the see-saw! From there we just went on and decided to try and find a record shop.

I've been wanting to start my own record collection for a while now. I never have because my dad already has over a few thousand records, so I thought that it would be dumb to buy something that might already be in his collection. Well, it doesn't help he also happens to live in PA and so it's not like I am going to be able to see or use this collection anytime soon. He is one of my greatest influences when it comes to music. When we entered that record store, it was like stepping back to when I was a little kid and accompanied my dad on his album excursions. The smell of old records hit me with a forceful wave of nostalgia and I instantly became hooked. I decided to start my own collection.
Of course, I have to start with the essentials. I have to begin with albums that are my must-haves. I ended up pulling out about 7 or 8 David Bowie albums, but thankfully Britta was there to tell me to start off with just 3 and not get too carried away. So, I picked the three I thought I most needed to begin with.

And there you have them. When I get home to the states, I plan on inquiring about a good record player from my dad. He owns one that I believe is quite expensive, but I know he'll know essentially what would be a good start up record player. I feel like such a noob to something that's so essential to a music lover, but I have to start somewhere. Yeah, I can get it online for free. But, where is the fun in that? I can't put into words what it felt like to buy these today. It seems so ridiculous to most people and I know I sound like a fanatical idiot, but I feel like I'm just beginning to understand something that I think my dad began so many years ago. I get it now. The tangible feel of a record in hand is so much more than the feel of your ipod stuck in your pocket.
I will always remember putting on records on my dad's player before he was taken out of the home. Music was like water in my house. We couldn't live without it. If I didn't come home to hear some sort of music being played on the record player, radio, or TV (when they still played music videos) something felt off.
I'll always fondly remember the nights when I used to live on a street in south Austin when my dad would open all the windows, throw on some colored bulbs in the lamps, and blast the music so loud that you sometimes had to walk through the house with your fingers in your ears. It's funny to think that what I remember most of those nights were the red or blue glow of the lamps because my dad had some fascination with setting up some sort of atmosphere in the house. If it was a party, those bulbs would go in. The fiber optic lamp and lava lamps would also be switched on. I'm surprised we never got a noise complaint honestly. But, we did live on a pretty amazing street with great neighbors who seemed to appreciate music as much as our family did. At least the ones in close proximity.

My favorite night like the one above was when my parents were having a party and everything I just described was put into action. For some reason, my friends were over and we opened my window and spent the night going in and out of my window to go play hide and seek in the middle of the night. My neighborhood friends (and were once my bullies) Casey and Travis were there crawling through my window and exiting through the garage where my parents and their friends were just jamming out. Sometimes, even when the music was blasting in the house, my dad's friend Ricky would be in the garage just playing his guitar. I still remember Ricky fondly, though I found out later that he was a cocaine addict and many people that entered my garage were as well. It's not a knock on them at all. I won't judge a cocaine user, but knowing what effects it's had on my life, I don't agree with it. These were good people. Cocaine users or not.

Wow, way to go off on a tangent. Anyways, besides all of that, Britta and I went around to various Izakayas and bars. We were trying to find a place in Kyoto that would fit our personalities. We were hoping to find somewhere that either played good music while you enjoyed your drink or had a good atmosphere. I think we found one place called Japonica, but it was fairly expensive for one drink. We tried an Irish pub and as soon as we walked in, it felt like a thousand eyes were glaring at us. It was awkward as all hell and so we left because right across the street was a Noise bar. Unfortunately, no noise was going on in there. The bartender made us laugh because we double checked with him by asking simply "Noise bar?" and he replied "Well, now silence bar" with a crooked smile. He was extremely helpful though in finding out where a few other options were for places to go. He also gave me a flier for their rock nights on Wednesdays. Not too bad. We finally settled in for the evening at an Okinawan bar that was playing old Okinawan music and had cheap, but strong drinks. The tendency to water down drinks here is ridiculous. You pay so much for so little. This place did not follow that trend, thank god. The bartender was a sweet University student named Rina who really got into it with us about the US since she has many friends who live there and she visits often. We ended up exchanging numbers and information and I'll probably see Rina again.

Anyways. This entry has gotten so long and I'm still up when I should be asleep. But, the day has been a long fun one and I had to get it all out there while it's still fresh on my mind.
The one thing that I have come to the conclusion of though is that Kyoto nightlife may be a bit lacking compared to Osaka. But, when it comes to everything else, I sincerely prefer Kyoto.

And here's me and Britta being 5 again:

Cutting the fat

2011-01-27T15:14:00.001-06:00

I got rid of twitter. I never use the damn thing and it's just another social circus parade of crap that I'm not really into. I'm not going to join it again either. I would maybe quote a few people or retweet things I found to be funny by certain comedians, but that was the extent of my usage there.

I've been hitting the GRE book somewhat and I've found analogies at first to be really easy for me, but then the vocab got pretty intense and now I'm definitely going to start studying a word a day. The sentence completion though was much easier. I got at least 80% of the sentence completion practice examples correct. It's the math I dread. Oh, how fun it will be to get to that point in the book. But, so far, I do like this practice book. I plan to take a day after work on a Monday or Saturday and just go to a cafe and study. It seems I focus better when I'm not at home for some reason.

I'm working overtime tomorrow which is good since I missed Tuesday because of the stomach flu I had. I have just a day or so left on the antibiotics for that and I should be good. Britta and I are planning to spend Sunday in Kyoto. I think we are going to go around and explore areas we have yet to really see. We want to go to more of the non-touristy areas or find a small cafe where we can sit and draw together. Speaking of Kyoto, every day now it has flurried snow. It may not stick to anything, but it's falling from the sky almost every night. It's still having me gaze up in wonder.

I'm rather amazed at myself because I've even cut back on reading trash sites like Perezhilton.com or the other "celeb" sites I used to frequent. I've cut back on facebook somewhat. I've been working, watching movies and TV shows, doing my crunches, focusing on my GRE book, and reading much more. I do come onto blogspot often to write, but it's a release. I'm finding any urge to mope about Stephen lessen within the last week. I think everything is finally sinking in. When I was sick, he had the kind courtesy to send me a polite quick email to ask if I was ok. It showed me that I think we can eventually be just friends because I didn't feel any pang or dropped stomach when I received it. I just felt like the part of him that's my best friend is still there.

I'm also starting to feel more independent. I dunno if for some reason the hospital visit and the aid of Britta and making other friends here is helping, but I feel like I'm starting to break out of my anti-social shell that I've been in so long. I think maybe being in a relationship, you retract into only being with that other person so that everyone else just isn't important. I'm finding out why this is something you should never do. For some reason, I was in the shower thinking about friends and the people that were so supportive of me at home and I realized that I neglected so many friendships because of my relationship.
I've given myself a new rule. If your significant other doesn't like your friends or refuses to hang with your friends for whatever reason, then you probably won't work out. Or if they refuse to let you go be with your friends, then they really are unhealthy. (Avery, if you are reading this, I'm looking at you kid) There are exceptions to the rule. Some friends are douchebags. There's no doubt about it. But, if I find myself ever in a situation where every name I list off gets a shake of the head or grunt of disapproval, I'm moving on. The same should go for him.

Completely off topic, my new nickname is Danx. No longer Dacinactica or Danica pow. My friend Les started calling me it for the last few months and I've grown accustomed to it. It makes me laugh. Dacinactica is too long and difficult and Danica pow was my myspace name. I don't have a myspace anymore, so that's irrelevant. Easy and simple. Danx. I like it.

Update: FAFSA submitted. Tax Return done. It'll be paying for my flight home in the summer. :)

Feeling much better

2011-01-25T11:01:00.000-06:00

It must have been one of those 24 hour stomach flu's, but I am feeling much better now at the ungodly hour of 1:30am. I've been in and out of napping through the day taking my medications and drinking as much fluid as possible. I have to return to work tomorrow, but I think it should be ok. I picked up an overtime shift on Friday, so it should make up for the day I lost today. Since it pays time and a half, it should also compensate a little bit more.

I spent basically the entire day in bed listening to Grooveshark and discovering bands that I'm obviously far behind on since everyone else I know has already heard of these bands. I feel so left out when it comes to music. I guess I tend to get stuck with a few artists I truly love and then they tend to fall on repeat for quite a long time. I was extremely into Muse for the longest time. I still am. I respect their albums before this last one, but it seems their push to try to enter the US scene has destroyed a lot of what I respected them for. I mean, for godsake, they made a single for Twilight. If that's not destroying their integrity as a band, I don't know what else would do worse. I guess it generally could be worse, but I just don't know. Now that Matt Bellamy has conceived a child with Hollywood's cum bucket and band groupie, I don't see much of a potential future anymore for the band.

I did end up making myself quite homesick though. There are so many events and invites I keep getting that makes me frustrated because I want to be there. I almost feel like I'm disconnecting from home too much and it worries me when I return. But, I know that's all just unjustified fears. If I was to come home soon, all I would be doing is fretting over a break up that's still somewhat fresh.

In the end I think I'll be ok. 5 more months of non-communication and not seeing him should do me some good. It may be tough the first month or so back because I'll be back in the midst of Austin and all it's reminders, but maybe by that point, I'll be much more disconnected. I'll be focused on gearing up for school and maybe even have the capacity to start dating. I know I won't be looking for anything serious, but it'd be nice to get out there again and meet new people. We'll see. At this time it's the furthest from my mind. But, sometimes it's nice to think of the future in a positive manner.

2:00am. Time to go to bed.

Ouch

2011-01-24T09:58:00.001-06:00

Well, today didn't quite go as expected. I got up as normal, but noticed when I woke up that my lower abdomen was swollen and was hurting. I just thought after a hot shower and getting ready that I should be ok. I wasn't. On the train ride to work, I felt like my head was hovering over everyone, but this giant painful weight in my stomach was keeping me grounded in the train. It probably sounds more like a bad acid trip than anything.

I went in and got my normal small coffee from Starbucks thinking any liquid would be good for me. The end of the story of this little non-fat white mocha is a sad one. Not a single drop of it was drunk. I decided to go ahead and also get some water and a sandwhich that is basically lettuce and bread at the corner store just to make sure I was getting more than a little bit of non-fat milk and coffee.

I came in feeling even worse than I did on the train. As soon as I entered the school, the regular staff member I see every Monday morning took one look at me and said "Oh, Danica, you don't look so well." I just nodded and rubbed my stomach while explaining the pain in the area. She cocked her head to one side and then with big sympathetic doe eyes simply said "Diarrhea?" Ummm, uhhh, well, uhhh? How does an American answer that? I felt icky saying yes. You see, in Japan, diarrhea is just like having a runny nose. Well, in the sense of saying "I have a runny nose." Saying "I have diarrhea" seems to not phase any Japanese person I've met who have somehow brought it up.
I have a really weird thing about telling someone I have diarrhea. It's just, god, too PERSONAL!
Well, back to the point.

By 1pm, they sent in a sub-stay for me (which meant I could go home if I got worse). Thank god it was Les too. I miss seeing him. About 1:50pm, right after my lesson ended, I had to run to the restroom and basically up came the bready sandwich and water I had tried to drink. Then the severe pain in my stomach had me literally folding over in agony. I stayed in that bathroom for way too long clutching my stomach. When I had enough strength, I told them I was going and thankfully everyone did seem to be sympathetic.

I got home close to 3 and starting feeling even worse than I was at work. But, this time I had to bike home. God, that was the most painful 10 minute bike ride ever. When I took my temperature, I was at 100.4, so I decided to say to hell with it, I'm going to the hospital. The pain was almost unbearable. But, the hard part was finding a place to go and how to get there without having to ride my bike or get on a train again. Thankfully the helpful ladies on the medical line were able to point me to a hospital literally a 15 minute bike ride away from me. I also successfully called a taxi by myself and had them pick me up and drop me off.

The moment I walked into the hospital, I knew I was going to be taken care of. I was of course given the initiative "oh, god it's a white person" look, but in the end it all worked out. When the examination time came, they did checked my stomach and talked to me about my symptoms in full. Because I hadn't kept anything down all day, they decided to throw me on an IV because of the threat of severe dehydration. They also took blood to get a full CBC to check that everything was okay. All it ended up showing was my white blood cells being elevated which wasn't much of a surprise.

This is my first time alone away from home with no one but myself to take care of my health while sick. I came home after all was said and done at the hospital with an even higher fever, but I'm doing my best to keep distracted. My stomach still feels extremely tender, swollen, and painful. It sucks being this sick, but I felt like I could survive in this country by myself now. I called a taxi. I survived a hospital visit. I did it all on my own and even directed the second taxi driver to my house because HE got lost.

This was way too long of a post simply about the stomach flu. It's time for bed and hopefully tomorrow I will be on the road back to feeling better.

I sure could use some of my grandma's homemade soup though. Sigh.

Blue Valentine

2011-01-23T03:24:00.000-06:00

It's strange how one movie parallels so many aspects of one's own life. Of course there are major differences in the film and my previous relationship, but it's strange how I watched this movie and could almost feel like the screenwriters had taken a true look at what it feels like to be in a relationship that can be damaging. What was amazing is that you could feel the bond between these two characters fall into despair, but you never really were given a pinpoint reason for the unhappiness between them.

I think Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling deserve an Oscar for those performances. It felt so tangible. So palpable. It wasn't a typical Hollywood script. It really felt like you were a voyeur in this couple's life.

I think both characters had characteristics that both Stephen and I shared. While being warm and emotional, he could also be devoid of emotion at times and act distant. I believe to be the same for me. But, the movie almost gave a glimpse of a future I don't ever want. I don't ever want to end up in a loveless marriage where the only connection I have with a significant other is a child.
SPOILER ALERT:
(Well, at least one that is genetically both ours)
You can highlight the above if you've seen the movie or don't care about spoilers.

I wasn't into seeing this film at first. To me, I felt like it was just going to be another depressing relationship movie (well, it is), but what it has is so much more integrity to it. I feel like this film could have been a non-fiction picture.
Bravo, Derek Cianfrance. I hope you get at least an Oscar nod for that one.
It's amazing how one film probably hits close to home for so many people. Unfortunately, this one did in particular ways in my life.

"I'm not in love with you anymore"

2011-01-22T22:38:00.000-06:00

Gotta keep this on repeat in my mind. I just have to. I'm holding on to too much still. STILL.

I feel like this is never-ending.
It's been 2 months now. C'mon. How long does it have to take?
I have to keep his voice saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" on repeat in my mind anytime I think of him. He got back onto facebook again and he said that he erased and blocked me.
Repeat it. Let it soak in. I need to let those feelings of rejection, betrayal, and destruction soak in so I can move on.
I wish I could feel about him the way I do about Ben. I could even go hang out with Ben anytime and know things would just be cool between us. It has been for years. I want to get to that point, but I wish I could get to that point now. Ben is still my friend and I respect him as an artist and a person, but feel no feelings for him. I want that now for Stephen.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."
Soak it in.

96 page views so far

2011-01-21T01:52:00.000-06:00

Would someone please explain to me why this post has been getting so many page views?!

242/365 Scorpion's apprentice

I checked my stats and this was the highest looked at page on my blog. It's not even a good image. It was me practicing merging an image of myself and something taken from the internet in photoshop for my 365 project. I don't understand why in the world this post would be the most popular.
I guess more people in the world really like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat than I thought.

...

2011-01-20T22:14:00.002-06:00

Feeling lonely and down today. I think that I'm just going to have to face these days as they come.

Update: Spent the last 2 hours doing girly pampering. One of those girly things = OUCH!
Also, why do banana chips have to be so good but so high in calories? My assumption is added sugar, but then again, they don't taste like they've been bogged down in sugar like the so called "healthy dried pineapple." Those basically taste like they've been soaked in a vat of high fructose corn syrup and then dehydrated.

Welcome to my day off and my pointless stream of consciousness when I'm bored out of my mind.

Random thoughts

2011-01-20T04:44:00.001-06:00

Thanks to 5 semesters of Japanese, I randomly remember words in the midst of a conversation when I need them the least. When I actually need to remember something, I start miming everything. Sigh.
Todays random words: washoku and youshoku. Basically it's Japanese cuisine and western cuisine. This pops in my head when I'm talking to a staff member about the weather for the coming weekend. Language is really weird sometimes.

It's even better when you start mixing languages. Somehow I'll throw out Spanish randomly here. Or I noticed when I was home for the holidays, if I bumped into someone or wanted to say excuse me, I'd say sumimasen. My brain can't seem to decide which language I'm supposed to be speaking.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Perseverance pays off

2011-01-17T09:04:00.000-06:00

This entry may come completely off as narcissistic, but I've been going at it with exercises for the last six months. I'm proud at how far I've come because I have never stuck to a regiment this long before. Whoever said that you can get "firm, toned abs in just 6 weeks!" is a load of crap. Every other day, I do my exercises and eat as healthy as I can. It may not be much to anyone else, but for me it's something I've striven for a long time. I've always wanted a toned stomach. I've always had my baby pooch and no matter what I did, it never quite left me. It's just a part of me.
But, within the last week or so, I'm seeing it shrink. It's not entirely gone, but it feels good to know that I'm doing the right thing and I can't thank one of my oldest friends Danielle for guiding me through enough. She's a personal trainer and just because she's a sweetheart, she's given me tips on exercises and approaches to getting the body you want.
Japan has also helped with my sweet tooth. I thought this country was filled with nothing but sweets and processed food. (At least if you don't intend to cook at home) Everywhere you turn is some sort of sweet bread or some sort of junk food. But, when I came home over Christmas, I took one bite of my grandma's beloved chocolate peanut butter balls and I nearly had to spit it out because all I could taste was powdered sugar. What normally is a tradition I look forward to on the holidays made me sick to my stomach.
Well, I dunno if these pics show any difference since I first posted my progress a month or more ago, but I can feel it. I guess that's all that matters.

Why am I apologizing?

2011-01-17T07:22:00.000-06:00

A lot of people that know me know that I grew up in a household filled with music. Mostly metal. Mostly 1980's heavy metal. I grew up knowing three David's. David Lee Roth, David Coverdale (yes, from Whitesnake), and David Bowie. From Dokken to Missing Persons to The Beatles and back again, I was constantly either watching MTV or hearing my dad play his records. The TV unfortunately became my babysitter and rock in general became a part of me from a young age.

    Now that I'm 27 and getting older, I'm finding myself almost apologizing for the music I like. Why? I shouldn't have to apologize for liking cheesy metal. It's not like it's the only thing I listen to. I listen to a wide range of music. Thank god for my grandpa who introduced me to true old country. I found my own niche in what I like by exploring things my mom hated just because she hated it (For example The Cure).
    My family can't stand hip hop or rap. But, I have a respect for early hip hop and rap when it was more about a social message than shooting up bitches and how much bling you have. I have some favorite hip hop artists I enjoy listening to quite a bit despite the dirty looks my mom gets on her face when she hears it. But, c'mon. Nowadays, she's listening to operatic power metal. That's definitely not my thing.
    I also found my own weird ensemble of almost bohemian-like women that I love. Bat for Lashes, Goldfrapp, Joanna Newsom, and Oh Land are just to name a few.

Muse was my favorite contemporary rock band for the last 8 or so years until recently when it seemed that fame and making crap was more important than their integrity. I'll always give them a chance after the last disaster of an album, but I dunno if they will ever get back to the time when they were producing music like on Origin of Symmetry or Absolution.

David Bowie has consistently stayed with me. No, it wasn't Labyrinth that did it. Though, it's not like it didn't help. No, it was Ziggy Stardust. The Thin White Duke. Aladdin Sane. From the age of 5, I was obsessed with this man who dressed in the most fantastic of ways. He was fearless. He was avant-garde. He was magical.

The whole reason this post got started was because I was finding myself editing the music I like around certain people. I shouldn't have to do that. Also, if I'm to have any luck finding a new relationship one day, this person will have to accept or just at least laugh with me about the music I listen to. If they don't, then they must not be for me. Everyone has their tastes and everyone has their bands that they despise. But, c'mon. Don't knock anyone down for what they like. Even if the do like shit like Creed.

Taking a moment here to totally be a hypocrite. Creed fucking sucks. You cannot argue against it.

Anyways, I'm not going to edit my taste in music anymore around people. If I want to throw on Motley Crue at karaoke, I'm gonna do it. Skid Row? I'll be screaming Youth Gone Wild into that microphone. But, I can turn it around and sing Magic by Olivia Newton-John. Here you go. The perfect ending for a blog entry that's just me bitching at nothing.

A video of the snow coming down

2011-01-16T09:13:00.000-06:00

This might be removed soon since I used Arcade Fire's No Cars Go song in the video. It was quickly and badly put together. But, it's simply here for documentation purposes for my friends and family who actually care.

Snow!

2011-01-16T05:30:00.002-06:00

I had a good time last night going out. We met up with a few others from our job through the night, but we ended up at Kama Sutra (the karaoke bar) and finally left there at 5am so I could get the first train home. I accidentally fell asleep on the train and missed my stop and woke up literally when the doors were shutting at my station. I felt like a dope. So, I finally rounded my way back and as I was walking home, it was snowing. It's still flurrying outside, but it's not sticking as much as it was this morning.

Sorry for the clanking. That's my little charm attached to my phone that kept banging against the back of my iphone. I was really like a little kid. I started running and sliding my feet in the untouched powdery stuff. It was funny because I rounded a corner and a Japanese guy was doing the exact same thing. We both laughed when we saw each other and both gave a pretty friendly "Ohayou Gozaimasu!" when we passed one other. I love moments like that.

It's bad quality probably because I was so cold walking home, but here's me and the snow behind me.

Yeah, the quality of these images aren't too good. But, I was rushing home because my feet felt frozen and my nose was completely numb. But, it was a beautiful sight with it all almost untouched because it was so early in the morning.

And here's a few images from the night that I really loved:

We have new giant ads for our school. I had to of course make myself look the part of our employees.

Brendan and Asha:

Britta in the midst of a conversation:

Me looking less than enthused. I think I was just listening to the conversation going on.

I love this gal:

Two amazing people. Molly and Tommy. They've been christened Tamale. "Tomolly"

Molly and I and a nice photobomb by Tommy:

I think this is my favorite pic of me and Tommy trying to get a picture together. The timing couldn't have been better.

Molly and Britta:

We finally succeeded in getting both our faces in a shot:

After Tommy and Molly left, Britta and I just stuck around Kama until the trains started running again. It was surprisingly packed all night long in the bar. There were so many Brits and Irish in the bar last night. So, Britta and I were pretty content with most of the song choices. The last one we sang was Welcome to the Jungle and my voice sounds pretty horrible. I sound like I've been smoking my entire life yet once again. I don't understand why my voice can't handle singing for very long. It makes me sad considering how much I love doing karaoke.

But, since I ended up staying out all night, I ended up sleeping really late today. I've got to get up early for a 10-4 shift tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get some rest and not mess myself up too bad with the all-nighter. Or as my Iphone wanted to do with predictive text: All-nigger.
Mmmmkay, Apple. I think someone over there is letting this phone produce words that shouldn't even be assumed to be written. I can't type hell without getting "he'll." Yet, I type nighter and I get nigger. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I'm going back to my trash TV watching now. I'm starting a new series called The Cape. I'll give it a couple of episodes, but I have strong doubts about this one. C'mon HBO. I'm ready for Game of Thrones NOW.

New self portrait series

2011-01-13T18:01:00.003-06:00

Well, stuck in a room in the middle of winter with no one but myself and a camera brings on a need to release some sort of artistic endeavor. I felt like getting a new self portrait series done with my new 'do and being put in a new situation in life. Let's see what I look like this time next year. The first photo is my favorite. It just reminds me of the 1960's mod era. That's what the entire aesthetic was attempting to be anyways, but some pulled it off more than others. But, these were my favorites out of the images taken.

I wish I could look like this first picture every day:

One of my proudest moments

2011-01-12T18:02:00.000-06:00

It was all by fortunate luck, but god, it was awesome.

Don't talk/ Don't text

I was seriously giddy from being literally 4 feet away from Sam Rockwell. Too bad I was behind the camera and not giving him my number. HA! In my dreams.
I need to start updating my resume and getting all my videography work in there and the IMDB credit I have from Stephen's short film. I was behind the scenes trying to more or less help him cope with all the craziness getting that thing ready. His stress was going above and beyond though and I started to stress out as well. I was at rehearsals and the casting calls. I helped with wardrobe. I did enough to give me some credit. It may not be "1st camera" or "producer", but it's something.

School starts August 24th. I'll be taking a full load of upper level courses to get that GPA up. Also, I've ordered the 2011 GRE study book and I'll be cracking on that until April or May when the 2012 version comes out.

I've been talking to my friend Nathan in Austin and while I'm over here and he's in Austin, we are thinking of collaborating on a photo blog together. We will have to set some rules/guidelines for the photos and we will have a photo exchange. I'm excited about this because it pushes me to go out and do what I love to do. I didn't take many photos while I was in Austin. It seems all ambition left me when I got there because I was dealing with a lot of emotional crap. It's not like I'm not now because it doesn't just turn off, but focusing on something like this will help.
Britta and I are also going to go out and find places to just chill and draw. We want to find places where we can just sit and take in the surroundings and just sketch.

Back in the swing of things

2011-01-12T09:34:00.000-06:00

I'm already one day in and I feel like I haven't really left. I had my first day back to work today and it went really smoothly and not much is to be said about it.

I am staying the extra three months. It was finally agreed upon with my Personnel coordinator and though she reluctantly agreed, I'll be here until the end of June. I'm not quite sure how it works, but my job gives me 15 vacation days throughout the year. 5 being flexible, the others being fixed. Apparently the whole reason it was frowned upon me doing a 3 month contract was because of this. I have to use all 15 days by June 30th. So, it's like the company is paying me for 3 months of 2.5 months of actual work. I see where they are coming from now. The other thing is that golden week is in May. We get those days off as well and they aren't counted towards the vacation days. So, that adds another at least 5 days of paid days off. So, that's 20 days I get paid for that I'm not working.
I was a bit taken back by it obviously. But, I need to be here those three extra months. I can't come back in April and be financially secure enough to finance a car and look for an apartment. I'm hoping with all my heart that my friend Dan will help me out with the apartment business. He's a realtor now and so if he isn't full on tenants, I'm hoping he will be my landlord. I know he accepts dogs since he owns a Welsh Corgie himself.

I just ordered my GRE study books, but they won't be delivered until April or May! Since they are the 2012 study guides, they haven't been released because the GRE is being rewritten and the books will reflect that. So, in the meantime, I'm checking to see if I should just go ahead and order a 2011 study guide to get me into the flow of it and then when I receive the other books, I can just move on from there.

Well, that being all settled, I'm needing my nerves to stop going crazy. I still feel like I've had 10 cups of coffee when I shouldn't have any reason to feel so on edge. I think it's still residual feelings from my visit home. It's not that I regret coming home because I did get to see and hang out with people I've missed. I didn't get to hang out with a few that I personally regret and wish I would have stopped sulking and made time for them. But, I'm going through what people call what is closest to a death. It is in a way a death. My friend Avery said it well. When two people who've been together so long, they start to share a mind and become so accustomed to one another that being together is like breathing. It just happens without thinking. When that breaks apart, your mind goes into shock and in my case, I start to go into a really deep depression and start to act in irrational ways. It's like my mind can't handle the burden of the mourning and the eventual future of him with someone else.
The visit home was a challenge.

But, I'm back in Japan now and will be until the end of June. If those applied ALP's must be used by the end of June, that probably means that I can find a flight home by June 21st if I wanted. I'm assuming? We'll see. It's a ways off and now I just need to focus on getting my mind in the right place. If I plan to pursue a new relationship down the line, I need to be healthy mind and soul. The last thing I need is to start a new relationship still having the burden of the old one on me. That'll bring 'em in. ha.
Maybe when I'm not looking, something will fall into my lap. You never know. But, I always finding myself crushing on the unattainable guys. The ones who don't give me a second look or they have some model-like girlfriend. Also, getting nearer to my 30's than I want to be, most of these guys are taken anyways. I wish I could be a guy and date a girl 10 years younger without so much as a second thought. It''s not possible for me to do that. Well, obviously not now since I'm 27 and that'd make them 17. UH, gross.

Dating is weird anyways. God, I haven't been on a date in years. I'd think I'd act like a fool. I guess when I decide to enter that world again, things hopefully will be less awkward with age. Probably not.
It just makes me laugh thinking about it.

Oh life, you really throw some punches sometimes. Sometimes a K.O. But, you still gotta get up, brush yourself off, and keep on going.

Oh and...

2011-01-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Nobody really cares, but I have bangs now. Or as the Brits say, I have fringe. I haven't had a change in hairstyle in at least 6 or 7 years now? The last time I did something that changed my look completely was when I chopped off my long hair. For some reason I was watching David Bowie music videos from when he was young and I just thought, fuck it. I want a change. He always experimented with his hair. It's no shaving of the head or anything, but I wanted to try something different. I'm not used to it quite yet, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I was worried it would destroy my features, but it seems to just kinda be. I'll decide as they grow out whether I feel more comfortable with them or not. I just needed a change.

Back to Japan in exactly 12 hours

2011-01-09T18:39:00.001-06:00

I'll be leaving on a jet plane to go back to Japan in exactly 12 hours. Surprisingly, I'm finding myself ready to get back. I think living on my own, being away from the drama that has been non-stop here, and having choices there that I don't have here are making me realize I may like being in Japan more than I thought.
Being single going back over will present me with a lot of new opportunities. Not constantly worrying about getting to my Skype for phone calls, not constantly worrying about a significant other over seas, not feeling guilty for spending all night out with my friends are just a few I can name.
Yeah, the country comes with it's challenges and frustrations, but I think another 6 months (if approved) is going to be just fine. I'm ready to get back to the mountains and see the snow. I can't wait to see my friends Sciby and Britta. I'm looking forward to an 80's night with Tim. Sciby and Britta both leave in March, but I'll have 3 months then to just go ahead and focus on studying on my GRE until I leave on July 1st (again, if approved).
Hopefully my friend Yoshi I met through my old coworker will be able to come back to his hometown and show me around to all the good bars. Apparently, I've already been to the one that he frequented. If he came to Kyoto just for a bit, I know I'd have a blast hanging with him and his friends.
I'm getting used to going out by myself. I have to honestly. It's nerve wracking especially when you are a shy girl, but I have to push myself out of my comfort zone now.
When I come back to Austin in the summer, I'm hoping to find my own place, find a job to sustain me through school, find a decent used car, and focus on my studies. Since my friend Dan is a realtor, I think he might be able to help me around the 78704/05 area. We'll see how things go. I'm thinking too far ahead in the future. I need to just go ahead and think of my immediate right now.

Right now what's bothering me is leaving Kaya again for another six months. If they decline my request for 3 more months after I explained my situation, then I guess she won't have to wait that long and I'll be back in three months. Either way, I just hope that she is taken good care of. I can trust my grandparents to do that and I can trust when they ask the ex to watch her that he will. But, it's the times in between I'm worried about.

But we survived the first six. I think she'll be ok the next. *knock on wood*

The next six months I am going to do my best to have the out of sight, out of mind method implemented to try and get over this break up. Seeing him these last 2 or so weeks has done worse for my psyche than I thought. Every time I see him, it's a drop in the stomach. The feelings I get when I see him are probably the equivalent of what it feels like to have a panic attack. A panic attack plus the feeling of depression and despair. I'm more than happy to get away and also get away from the fake niceties of "take care" and all that bullshit.

I hope to come home in six months to a different me. Someone happier and feeling more free. Hopefully I won't feel like my life is in tatters as I feel now. Hopefully I will be a bit more mended and can start moving onto my goals that I previously mentioned.

Please 2011. Bring me good things. 2010, you really hurt me and really let me down.

Ladie's night

2011-01-07T18:23:00.002-06:00

About to commence. Please bring on the fun. I don't want tonight to bomb.

Moving on, moving on

2011-01-06T20:32:00.000-06:00

So, I got a promising email from the graduate advisor at the UT school of information science. I explained my situation with my GPA and my plans to take courses to up that and also study my ass off for the GRE. She suggested doing those things, but focusing very intensely on a Statement of Purpose and getting letters of recommendation from Professors. I know one particular professor that taught film history and she was a sweetheart. Knowing she's faculty in this particular school gives me a tiny spark of hope.
I'm looking at a gamble here. I'm going to be taking courses to up my GPA while also studying to do well on the GRE. Then I have to really work on this statement of purpose and get it so that it captures the Graduate committee and I need to butter up and get to know a lot of the professors within the school. I have to do all this and then cross my fingers that I get accepted. If I don't, then I will have at least increased my GPA and have taken the GRE so that I can possibly apply elsewhere. I don't want to do that because Texas has the #1 preservation program. But, it's what life will hand me.

I'm happy to have something to work towards. I was feeling very empty and very scared about my future because I knew that I would leave Japan on April 1st/July 1st (decision yet to be made) and have no clue of what to do with myself. I love film. With this program, I could preserve film! I've always been fascinated by old artifacts and buildings. I love history. Thinking of working in a museum or being the one to restore an old book really gets my brain cogs moving. I've got a collection of old german books from my family farm that I want to preserve. There are so many directions I could go with it or so many other directions I could go with obtaining special certifications in other areas of preservation or the general information science route.

BUT. The big BUT. I have to work really hard. I have to push and push and push. I'm going to be engulfed in this endeavor. Of course I will be upset if I get denied, but then I should go ahead and just apply to other schools or other grad programs. We'll see. All I know is that for now, I plan to start studying for the GRE and getting ready to set up my class schedule for the fall semester. The first step was getting back into UT. That I did. Next, time to up that GPA and kill on the GRE. One step at a time.
I'm hoping this focus will also help me think less about the break up and more about my future. I already feel better knowing I've got something to work towards. I think that's the most important thing.

where has it gone?

2011-01-06T03:04:00.001-06:00

Where the hell has all my inspiration gone? Or ability to finish a project when I start it. I want to start creating art again because I feel I've been neglecting it for quite some time. My grandma's portrait is still waiting to be finished and my River Phoenix portrait has yet to be done. It's been what? 2 years since I started that thing?
I can knock portraits out fairly quickly when I'm focused, so I really need to start just pushing myself. I need to finish that portrait of my G-ma and then maybe start moving on to using some subtle color with other portraits and then start going into more abstract or detailed color portraits. I want my imagination to start running rampant. I need inspiration and distraction. Maybe I need to surround myself with other artists...digital or physical.
I'm feeling empty by being so dormant in making art. It used to be a passion, but now it's gone by the wayside.

If anything, I might just take some art classes at UT in the fall just because I need it. I need some fuel to get this fire burning again. Yeah, it costs money. But, the pay off to me is worth it. Since Grad school has come to a grinding halt because the grad school counselor basically said my GPA would be scoffed at, it doesn't look very good in my prospects of going back to school in the preservation dept. of the information of science school. Oh well. I was the one who screwed myself over there. That's what I get for not giving a shit the last 2 years of college. Better know now than to waste money attempting for the program and not getting in. That would waste a lot of time and a lot of money.

Time to get back to what I know best. Pencil and paper. Charcoal and acrylics. Prisma colors and digital manipulation. Maybe I should do a 365 of art. It could be just scribbles or simple sketches and projects that would take a couple of days, but every day I should try and churn out something. I think I might try doing that. I'll probably slack off as per usual, but at least I'd be trying.

I was 11.

2011-01-01T19:14:00.000-06:00

When I first heard this song I immediately became enamored with Bjork. My memory is watching this on MTV and somehow my father knew her from The Sugarcubes. As soon as he saw the video with me sitting there just tunnel focused on the aesthetics of the video, he had his mind only on grabbing his hands on that Bjork album.

I always talk about my dad being a music enthusiast and I really do mean it. He has or had over 15,000? albums. I remember he counted one day and it was quite a massive collection. It was such a large amount that it took up an entire closet from top to bottom in our home. I was introduced to so many bands by him. He wasn't the greatest man, but he did leave me with a wide variety of music tastes. From the Misfits to Shocking Blue, he had everything in between. I'll never forget him BLASTING his music out of the house with the windows open. I remember a particular night when I was about 14 and he had decided to play Type O Negative's Black No. 1 and Christian Woman. My neighbors were less than amused and called the cops with a noise complaint. I'm surprised it's the only one I can recall.
The thing is that he did it ever since I can remember. Since I was a child, I will always have the memory of my house being so loud with music that sometimes to go get something to eat in the kitchen required me to plug my ears with my fingers.
His prize possession is his mint condition the Beatles "baby doll parts" album. It's worth quite a bit today because of it's rarity. I remember him handling it with the utmost care and using gloves to pull it out and show me. I still feel nostalgic when I enter a record store because I expect to see my dad there thumbing through every single row with a careful eye.

Nelson, Nelson, and Nelson.

2011-01-01T16:58:00.002-06:00

What a seriously beautiful man. This song couldn't be more made for me right now than in any other time in my life.

And then he created these two. Ah, the irony.

God bless you Mike Judge.

Lest we not forget this Nelson.

the small things

2010-12-30T19:02:00.001-06:00

Comfort in small doses. Strange how both come from Dirty Dancing. I guess your childhood favorite movies always bring some comfort whether it's the soundtrack or the movie itself. I guess I just need Patrick Swayze to come into my room and take me out of my corner.

my vacation days are passing way too quickly

2010-12-28T19:58:00.000-06:00

I didn't quite have to say goodbye to Brandy quite yet. I met up with her yesterday at Lakeline mall and we farted around just looking at various stores and trying on weird crap. Hence, this photo. Which is awesome:

I've been reading Jane Eyre and so I'm finding dated words coming into my vocabulary lately. I keep writing things like "hence" and "no avail." But, I'm finding myself speaking in ways that come from the Victorian era as well. It's weird how much reading a book can effect your immediate propriety of language.
Anyways, it was good to get a proper goodbye when I dropped her off at her grandma's. Unfortunately, her grandma has stage 4 lung cancer and it's spread to her lymphatic system. I don't like expecting her to come back to Texas only under the circumstances of something so upsetting. Regrettably, I'll probably be in Japan when Charlotte passes and Brandy has to make her way back here with her family. I really wish I could be here for her.

After dropping her off, I met up with Caitie at her new place. I haven't seen her in such a long time. I met her friends Maddie (sp?) and Betsy. The three of them together is hilarious. It's a whirlwind of energy from those three.

You've gotta love Maddie's photo bomb.

We ended up making our way to Beerland for karaoke just for old times sake. I actually had the balls to get up on stage and sing twice. I realize now though that their set up is still as shitty as ever. You can't hear yourself, so you never know or you don't feel as confident that you are on key. Either way, it was interesting. I somehow talked my mom into coming. She's always going on about doing karaoke, so she finally got her night out. But, I don't think she enjoyed it as much as getting a private room. But, I agree with her. I have the same sentiment.

My poor mom's lips are so chapped she has faux Angelina lips. I look so tired. It seems the circles under my eyes just get darker and darker. I tried sleeping a lot today, but it was really restless and now I just feel like crap. Kaya's content though.

Mama's resolution to keep some of the cold out of my room was to hang that blanket. The rest of the house seems to keep warm, but since I only have the shutters, my room tends to be freezing. The heat doesn't want to stay in.
I'm feeling really restless today, but at the same time just don't want to do anything. I guess that's why I keep writing about nothing. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied because I keep going to darker thoughts for some reason today. I guess that's why I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I've been here. As soon as I stop, I start thinking too much. It's a curse. A horrible curse. I think it's the reason for my incessant insomnia and for other faults in my personality. Once my mind starts going on one thing, it tends to not quit until some sort of outcome or resolution has been observed. If I have an idea in my mind, no matter what it is (positive or negative), it's always wheeling around in my mind. It might be one of the reason's why I'm in Japan for the third time. Once I had it in my mind that I was going to live there for at least a year, it never quit. Even when I came home after the failure of JET. It's strange because I vowed never to return to Japan after the JET debacle, but here I am now on vacation after being there for 6 months.

I was looking at return flights yesterday and it's going to cost at least $1K to come back home. After seeing this and thinking of things I need here in Austin to return home to, it's looking more and more like I might be staying until June. This time it's not really a choice, but a matter of finances. I thought I was going to save a lot more than I have and the truth is I haven't. I calculated about how much I make at my job and it's around $11 an hour. That's actually not that much when thinking about what it takes to live comfortably while in Japan and trying to save at the same time. I can't be a hermit while I'm there. I'll go insane. It's already caused me enough grief. I've already lost so much by going to Japan, so I need to somehow regain some sort of sanity.
The thing I worry about the most is though is this:

I love doggy kisses, but not when they go up my nose. Thanks Kaya. Mama and papa are both concerned as well. Papa is so concerned with me being gone another 6 months and it's effect on Kaya that I can see him toying with the idea of helping me buy my ticket home. I'm extremely concerned.
Both of them told me that after the weekend with my mom, Kaya could tell something was seriously wrong and hasn't been acting the same since. Apparently, she's been down and out and just not herself. This is what I worried about. I knew that taking Kaya away from Stephen would have an effect, but it wasn't until I saw it in the flesh that I have wondered if I've made a good decision. Mama gave me a homemade calendar of photos of Kaya for christmas. EVERY single shot of her is apparently after that weekend and each picture is just pathetic. I've never seen such an unhappy animal.

But, it's not just me and Kaya in this equation. It's Stephen as well. I don't plan to approach the subject anymore because it's an issue that's been beaten to death. When I go back to Japan for the rest of my contract, I'm leaving Kaya's welfare with my grandparents. I trust whatever decisions they make and I don't plan to question anything they do. They know Kaya just as much as I do and they love her just as much.

This entry has gotten way too long and I think I need to go exercise my mind on something else.

Lifer

2010-12-27T10:23:00.001-06:00

So, the last thing I expected to hear when I got off the plane on Wednesday was that Brandy was going to be in town. We both didn't know it, so it was such a wonderful surprise and it felt so good just to go hang out with my lifer. It's not some menial term when I say that either. She has been my closest friend since we were in diapers. I was due after Brandy actually, but I was born 6 weeks premature, so somehow I ended up being the older one. Either way, seeing her at least once a year, if that, does have it's frustrations. But, we've been doing it since we were 3. She moved to CA when we were 3 ad have kept up our relationship through good times and bad and we both see ourselves being old crotchety ladies together one day.

I dragged her to this "singles mixer" and boy, was it awkward. I know we showed up a bit too early. It was like 9pm and it was literally 4 people and us. They were dancing and one was dancing like he was having seizures. We stayed for about an hour just to kinda wait and see if anyone else would show but to no avail. So, we went over to Rio Rita and had a really good time there just talking. I found out so much more about her time in Africa that I was really surprised to hear didn't go as smoothly as I had thought. It actually was quite the opposite. She had the most trying and difficult time in Africa. Her experience there makes my problems in Japan sound so minuscule.

After Rio Rita, we headed back to the party and it was much more lively. They had a firepit going and we sat around it for a little while. When I went to Erin's party on Thursday, I saw a guy there I hadn't seen since high school. Lo and behold, he's sitting at the firepit. It's just strange to see someone you haven't seen in years twice in four days. While Brandy and I were walking in, I got to say hello to Jesse and his friend while they were walking out. His girl was at the firepit, but we didn't stick around. That was the extent of the people I knew there and it ended up just being really lame. No one was actually cool enough to spark up a conversation though I tried a few times. Brandy and I felt kinda like we were back at some high school party or some members only kind of shtick. I think that will be the last time I go to a "Singles mixer."

We headed home after that and sat out in the car just talking for a while longer before she headed in. I dunno when I'll see her next. It might be another year that goes by but the great thing about her is that we always pick up where we left off without any awkwardness.
I really wish we could live in the same city. Having someone like that in your life is so important.

Compiling and recording

2010-12-25T06:21:00.000-06:00

I've been home for a couple of days now. My pup has already gotten used to me being here but does kinda get concerned when she sees if I go out. But, you can tell she knows I'll be back because I don't have two giant suitcases open next to me.
My grandma and grandpa both said that she just seems so much happier. They said that they could just see it in her face. She sleeps with me at night and we warm each other under the blankets. It feels so good to be content with her curled up into my nook.

     I went to a Christmas Party at Erin's and had a good time though I feel like for a while there were times where I felt really kinda like an outsider. Brittany wasn't with PJ because she went home for the holidays and he put it in a way that kinda made absolute sense. When you don't have that person with you it feels like you kinda have lost your wallet. I think that's the way I'm feeling everyday and going around Austin right now is giving me that tightness in my chest and feeling like I lost my wallet. Only this wallet won't be found. So, I'm sure my mood wasn't exactly inviting. But, some people that showed up I hadn't seen in forever and it was nice to talk with them. Others, not so much. A few jock types showed up and I left around the time they started taking over the kitchen and screaming songs.
The good thing was that my present went over really well. I didn't think anyone would actually play it, but since it was "crazy" Japanese, everyone had a blast with it. 5 stocking are attached at the toe end. All 5 people put a stocking over their head and then you have a tug of war. The last one with the stocking on his head wins.
I forgot who said it, but it literally made me laugh til' my stomach hurt. Someone suggested going into a store or bank and trying to rob with the thing on. Just the images from that sent me into giggle fits.
     A really great surprise though was that Brandy has come into town until Monday or Tuesday, so Sunday we are going to a "Singles Mixer" to just go dance and have a good time. She's been through a lot of crap with a guy that basically was talking to a girl behind her back and ended up getting engaged to this other woman literally days after he had expressed a lot of feelings for her. He'd been lying to her for at least 8 months. It makes me sick to my stomach. So, her and I are both single and as much as does hurt to talk about it, at least we can comfort each other in some way.
   So far it's been an interesting couple of days. My brother's been awesome. I might be hanging out with him more than I thought. It actually makes me incredibly happy to be able to bond with him for a while before I go back to finish out the contract. After seeing Kaya and her reaction, I dunno if another year is even plausible. I think it'd be a bad idea to commit to a full year. I was really thinking about it since I have nothing attaching me here except her and family. But, now actually seeing how she's doing and apparently her behavioral changes according to my grandparents definitely are making me rethink that possibility. I think it would be best to end the contract and go to Korea and also Taiwan/Tokyo before I leave Japan for good. We'll see.
     I found journals I've had since I was 17 from the beginning of when I met Stephen. I haven't read all of them, but I'm reading about how events went on from that age on all the way until June 2004. It documents so many things that I knew I should see now. I feel like maybe I was just so naive. Here in these pages, it's giving me a bit of comfort because this was me years and years ago, but it has the exact same issues I have almost 8 years later. Why didn't I have the foresight to see what this would have led to? Maybe Stephen and I both would have had moved on to find other people better suited to us at least, I dunno. Something. What I'm gonna do is compile them and then record them and print it out so I have one book where I can find all these journal entries easily. But, the only answer for all my stupidity after reading these entries is the only thing that is written after each entry. "But, I love him."
   I feel like it's some sort of ridiculous Shakespearean tragedy.

Coming home over the holidays has had me come face to face with the foreseeable future in April when I come home and though it's really shitty and difficult, I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. Vulcan does feel a bit strange and foreign. But, I dunno if it's just the circumstances now. When I asked them to take Stephen off my account overseas, they didn't do it. That pissed me off quite a bit because it disrespected something really simple. Well, I did it myself and wrote on there that he was to use his own account. They can give him free movies all they want, but not on my account. It's as easy as that.

Anyways, I'll be getting onto compiling these silly journals and making something that is a quick reference for myself that is a lot of memories both good and bad. It brings more sense into the breakup.
Still, no matter how much sense is brought into it, the breakup still is one of the most painful things I've dealt with. I'm losing not my boyfriend, but I'm losing my best friend. I think that what hurts the most. I think as long as I don't hear about an engagement within the next few months, I should hopefully continuing on but at least moving farther and farther away from Nov. 22nd. That should hopefully will mean I can move on easier as time passes.

Another long entry that's just pathetically sad and lonely. But, it's a release and if anyone doesn't like reading it, then stop fucking reading it. Think what you want of me, but dealing with a breakup with a person you've known for 10 years is going to take time to get over. This just happens to help me write out some feelings and kinda make sense of everything.

Welcome home!

2010-12-22T20:13:00.000-06:00

Seeing my pup after 6 months

Sorry for the darkness. She literally went crazy for about 10 straight minutes. I don't even know. It might have been longer. But, I've never gotten so many kisses and that tail...
She's yet to leave my side except when my grandma made dinner. Right now though, I'm exhausted. I've been traveling over 36 hours and for some reason even in my own bed, can't pass out.
It's by coincidence I found out from my mom that my friend Brandy is actually coming in over the holidays!! Not for very long, but long enough to go see her. I'm so absolutely stoked and timing couldn't be more perfect.
Everything in my plans until at Monday is full. That's so good. Then after New Year's, I wanna go spend some much needed time at the farm.
We did Christmas with my sister today though when I got home because she's off to her dad's over Christmas. She loved every single Pokemon thing I got her. I also went ahead and gave everyone else there stuff.
Surprisingly, papa was the one who tried Mochi and liked it the best. I could see on my mama's face myabe she wasn't liking something about it. Guess what flavor papa likes best?
Matcha.
Looks like I'm definitely Papa's girl.

Vintage shopping and new appreciation for heartache

2010-12-19T07:03:00.002-06:00

Last night I went out with Britta to a dance DJ night in Namba that one of my fellow trainees was DJing at. All in all, it was a good night. Danced, sang karaoke, and then crashed at her place.
I can say for a fact that I think that though Juso is a convenient place to live, they really jip you on the digs. My literal "bedroom" is the size of her whole entire apartment. At 9am, they started doing construction that literally shook the building. We shared her tiny bed and the poor girl can't even leave her heat on because it will add more to the already exuberant amount she pays for the place.
It makes me that much more appreciative of the set up I have in Kyoto until March. Everything is one bill and the place is decently sized for a central location in a beautiful city. I just can't complain.

We woke up and talked like girls do and finally got out and went back to Namba after taking a really nice long walk from Yodoyobashi station rather than stay on the subway. It was a beautiful day and I did get some pretty interesting video and pics from just that jaunt.
We went and explored the area and found quite a few vintage shops. I nearly died when I found a vintage 1987 David Bowie tour T-shirt, but the price was retarded and they literally were selling a Foreigner shirt for almost $150 with stains and holes. No thank you.
We did run into a few amazing places with some really interesting vintage things like old metal lunch boxes. My personal favorite was the Gremlins one that I spotted, but for the most part is was more of a window shopping outing.
I guess what kinda put me in a damper spirit by the end was that we went into a store where the guy had a long row of nothing but vintage tshirts ALL reasonably priced. None were over $20. I stumbled upon so many band tees of bands I would kill to own, but the sizes were just way too large. It was definitely a man's store. When I came across a Vintage Bee Gees t-shirt from the Staying Alive era, I nearly squealed. I wanted to buy that thing so badly.
Then it hit me.
The reason I wanted to buy it so badly was because I had in mind only one person I wanted to buy it for. I think I hit a new step in this whole process. The deep heartache.
I just put it away back on the rack and had to literally walk away from the store because a random vintage shirt started the whole process of "I must get this for!.......oh."
It feels like something silly to write about, but it kinda set me back. In a way, all day I was going into these stores and seeing things that I wanted to buy not for me, but for others. When I got to the Bee Gees shirt, I just kinda gave up.
We ended our window shopping excursion and said our goodbye's for the Holidays. She's off to Australia with her mom and I'm off back to Texas.
Off to Texas thinking about Bee Gee's tshirts and a pit in my stomach.

The next four days

2010-12-17T11:30:00.000-06:00

Oh goodness. The next four days are going to be hectic and I'm sure that by the time I get home on the 22nd, I'm gonna just pass out.
Tomorrow I go to work, have my semi-shitty day at my one of my least favorite schools, but then go home and get ready to go out to a dance party with good music with Britta. Brandon is DJing, so we got the invite and I'm rather excited to get out and burn off energy with her dancing. It's most likely going to turn into an all-nighter which is fine. I can crash at Britta's if worse comes to worse. Then Britta and I plan to kinda relax and hang out on Sunday.
I know I'll need it. But, I've only got so much money on me at this point because I sent it all home. So, we'll see.
Then Monday is my last day shift for a while until January something or another and then I have to go collect money owed to me by my dr. for getting my insurance updated. So, that should give me some money to put in my pocket for the next day. I'm gonna spend Monday night finishing packing and cleaning the house.
Tuesday is my most hated shift not because of the students but because of the staff. Once I run out of there, I run to my home, grab all that i've gotten ready that morning to be thrown on and off I go to Osaka to possibly stay the night in the Umeda station or Namba station until the first train for the KIX line opens. It sucks I have to do that, but it's the only way to get there in time to go through customs and what not and get on the plane. Then it's off to Tokyo for a layover and then off on a long ass flight into Dallas, where I have another layover, and finally into Austin around noon. I'm gonna be tired, need to brush my teeth, and cuddle my dog until she is fighting herself off of me.
Then homemade dinner from mama especially for me.

Trust me, I'll be gorging on queso, all the vegetarian cuisine I can find, even go try an Indian restaurant around here to compare with Japan's, and everything else. I wanna go out, do free week for sure, stay at the farm for a couple of days, and spend time with as many people as possible. That's my goal at least. I want it to be fun, I want it to be stress free, I want it to be good times.

As my schools say, "Let's Enjoy at Austin!!"

Why do I bother?

2010-12-14T11:37:00.000-06:00

Lately I'm feeling social networking sites are a joke and in the end seem to cause more problems or honestly just suck away your time for nothing. Posting to facebook of late, I feel like I'm just contributing random thoughts and videos and it just goes to some empty black void. I honestly think people couldn't give a crap about what you actually say on these sites. Then again, I'm just being a bitter betty. I'm completely guilty of spending way too much time on facebook. It's sad because while I would like to just erase it and forget about the whole social networking world, there are people on there that I seem to only have access to through it.

The story about Bill Nye really bothered me. During a speech at USC, he collapsed coming to the podium and no one did anything. What was observed was that everyone took out their phone to tweet it or post it to facebook. Fucking what is wrong with people?! The man is unconscious and yet no one goes to help him. Instead, they decide to let the world know in their interweb bullshit that "oh shit dude, Bill Nye just collapsed!" Jesus. Call an ambulance! This is what I'm finding to be so disturbing and wrong! I got a twitter account not so long ago. I've twittered maybe 10 or so times. But, the damn site is worthless to me. I see people who post literally every 5 minutes! When did it become so important to tweet "I'm eating apple pie!" WHO CARES!!!

I was talking with Britta and she doesn't have an account on facebook. Her comments were that if you keep in contact with people through regular email and you have a continual relationship going, that it should be enough and you know that this person actually cares about being your friend. The one's that don't respond, well, they must not care too much. I'll be honest. I have contradictory feelings about it all. I want to keep it because there are people on facebook I only have access to because of it, but we don't speak regularly.
Then again, it's almost just a site that allows you in a way to be a voyeur in someones life. Someone you may find interesting, but nonetheless, all you are is a voyeur.
On the flip side, you can keep in contact with people and share photos, interests, and things going on in your life. But as of late, I'm finding the pay off not worth it.

That's why I feel so conflicted to get rid of the thing. Being in Japan, it's that more difficult. I have family and friends I find easier to keep in contact because of facebook. But, honestly, I'm finding it to be more and more just something that I find myself on too often and looking for honestly, some strange acknowledgment from other people. Why? Why do I need that? I'll email someone and get nothing back. It's a slap in the face sometimes especially when you see them post something an hour later. I don't understand the social networking etiquette.

I also can't understand the people who literally have over 500 friends. I mean really, do you talk to these 500 people in real life? I know of someone who has over 1000. I understand the need for networking, especially in certain jobs like the one I went to school for. But, god.
I went through my friends recently and got rid of everyone I hadn't talked to in more than a year, have no connection at all besides facebook and mutual friends, and the people who I think just add you to get their friend number so high that they feel maybe better about themselves. I still have some people on my profile that I solely keep because I do care about what's going on in their life, but we don't have regular communication. There goes again the whole contradiction of exactly what I have just argued against. It's something I keep going in circles about and it's stupid that I even care this much to write a blog entry about the whole thing.

I really am being quite negative, I know. I know the arguments against everything I've said and I do agree with some of them. I know the need for networking. I do know some people really actually do have quite a large amount of friends they have a connection with. I do know that facebook keeps them in touch with people from their hometowns and having connections with old acquaintances and friends from the past that is important to them. Yes, I understand this and this is why I find myself going back and forth.
I'm feeling like when I post anything, nobody really truly gives a shit. It's just another addition to "the wall." If I email someone and weeks go by without a response, what the hell is the point?

It's caused rifts between people because they hit the delete button on someone from their account even though they never speak or have anything to say to each other. From personal experience, it's caused quite a disturbance being in a relationship. I wish that sometimes that we could go back to a time when having friends was easy as a phone call. That's a whole other issue I find to be extraordinarily confusing. You will call a person and they don't pick up. Then you text them, and voila! You get an immediate response. Huh? So, you know they have their phone, but don't have the strange capacity to pick up the phone call and have a conversation.

I honestly feel that when I come home from Japan in April that it might be best I delete my account. It'd make more sense to network through more legitimate resources. But, there is still that piece of me that understands facebook does offer that in a way and I would lose one connection to people I do enjoy seeing what goes on in their life.

Just as always, I find myself circling the issue.

Holy crap.

2010-12-13T04:31:00.000-06:00

So, I had to get another 3 months of my anti-anxiety medication and went back to the nice doctor who gives me 3 months worth of medication at one time. It's awesome and so cheap.
Well, I've been sleeping like shit per usual and probably more so now than any other time from all that's happened recently in my life. So, I asked about sleep meds. He was totally cool and was like, "Oh, so you have trouble sleeping?" Yes sir, I really do. I explained my hard time with it over the years and he just nodded and pulled out this big thing of different sleep meds listed on it.
He then went on to explain that he wants to prescribe me Maesuli? Something like that for those nights I have a bit of a hard time, but it isn't dire. Then he prescribed me rohipnol. I was like, uh, you sure that's a good idea? He laughed and told me about the story of when another foreigner explained to him that in western countries it's used for rape. He seemed concerned, but he said that I only should take it when I am home and know I have a good 8 hours of rest time ahead of me.
Uh yeah!! No shit.
So, I now have a prescription for Maesuli. So, I had no idea what the hell maesuli (sounds like my-soo-lee) was, so I looked it up. Guess what. It's ambien. 10mg. Same as what I was on at home. I'm a bit worried because ambien and I didn't have a good relationship because I was a retard and abused it.
But, I think I really need the sleep aid. I'm a bit anxious about the rohipnol. I'll try half a tablet tonight and see how it goes and then decide what's best.
Just wow. I walked out of the doctor's today and basically could be mistaken for a mini drug lord. Yowch.

It hurt, but I needed to hear it

2010-12-12T09:26:00.000-06:00

So, I had a last phone conversation (at least for quite some time) with my ex the night before last. I approached it calmly and he did as well because I think we are probably just exhausted from the whole thing. It seemed like the most honest conversation we've ever had and as much as I hated to hear everything he had to say, I needed to hear it. For some reason, I was grasping on to this hope that when all was done and through with me being overseas, that a reconciliation could happen. He was very clear this wasn't going to happen and it was very clear that in the future if/when he marries, I won't be that person. It sounds harsh, but it wasn't said in a way that was intended to hurt. It hurts just because of what it is.
A lot of what was said hurt because of just what it is. Brutal honesty. I think it hit me deep and in a way kinda took away the cloud really making me feel like we could have a future someday. I do think we can have a future someday, but as friends. I dunno how long it would take to reach that point, but I know it won't be for some time. Even though he will be gone from my life now, he still will always be my best friend.
I hate how your heart and your head fight. I was thinking about it earlier and after the conversation and me basically just breaking completely apart during it, I understand now that we were an unhealthy couple. We were driving each other crazy. Of course the good times were good, but there were issues that simply can't be fixed with time. An essential part to a relationship is trust. If it's broken, it's so hard to fix it. I've been carrying with me the mistrust that was created in our relationship from 7 years ago. But, we both mutually agreed we both did our part in breaking each other's trust in one way or another.
As much as I know now that this is for the better, I still know myself. I'm going to have really bad days where I'll just want him to be there. I know that when I hear about his new girlfriend, it's going to be very dark days. I know that I'm gonna yearn for him to come to see a dog we both raised. It's going to be fucking hard. But, he's right. We aren't healthy for each other.
Time is said to heal wounds and I do believe that. But, I think this wound might take longer than most. I'm expecting my rollercoaster of emotions and I know it's going to be hard. But, fuck. If I can live through the times of my father and also live through going alone to live in a foreign country and have everything turn to shit while I'm here, I might as well battle this one out too.
When those extremely trying times come that are about him, I need to come back and read this entry.
I need to remember that we weren't healthy and it's been an unhealthy relationship for some time now.
I've got to remember that.
Brutal honesty is what I got and though it was one of the most painful nights of my life, it cleared my head a bit and put things into a much needed perspective.

Mama #2

2010-12-10T11:59:00.000-06:00

Still working on it. Thank you insomnia. Gotta finish hair and shading and some tweakage to the features. It's been years since I've sat down and done a proper pencil portrait. I'm rusty, but it feels good to go at it again.

*lower the hair line a bit more
*finish nose
*tweak mouth
*finish hair
(sorry, just notes for me)

Mama

2010-12-10T04:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't done a portrait with pencil in god knows how long. I think it's been years now. So, I may be a bit rusty. I started drawing mama today (grandma for people that don't know me and well, I doubt anybody reads this thing anyways) and so far it's a very, very preliminary sketch. I need to tweak and shade some more. I need to get the other eye in because in portraits, to me it's all about the eyes. If the eyes aren't right, you don't have a good portrait. Period.
So, I have to make sure her eyes are spot on and then from there it should be fairly simple getting the rest of the features in line with her eyes. The face feels a bit wide without that other eye, but I'm pretty sure once I draw it in, it won't be so distracting. I like looking at photos of process though. I can take a look at this tomorrow and know where to pick up again and go. It feels good to get pencil to paper. I haven't done it in so long.
This is from a photo when my grandma was in high school. So, her hair is a mass of curls in a 1950's-60's bob. The more I look at her photo, the more I see how many freckles she had! It makes me happy because I can see that maybe that's where my odd patches of freckles come from. I hope I can do this really well and make her proud.

My mind is all over the place

2010-12-09T22:50:00.000-06:00

I have the day off today. I don't have any intention of going anywhere because I'm not in the mood to really do anything. I know it's a bad idea because then I sit in my apt. and my mind starts jumping around to everything. It's constantly preoccupied with bad thoughts and nervousness in my stomach. I'm waiting for the next bomb to drop. The next kick to my stomach.

It's getting really cold to the point now that just sitting and waiting for the train results in me chattering my teeth. I know it's only going to get colder, but I really don't mind. I like winter. I like layering up and the thought of sitting with a hot drink and a good book under a blanket soothe me. Unfortunately, this all takes place in my mind on the couch at the farm where everything is quiet. When I come home for the holidays, I plan on taking my dog, book, camera, and just staying away from the city for a couple of days. My family's farm is a solace for me. I like embracing my german heritage there and seeing all the old things that lay around the house. I never want to lose it.

I'm gonna start working on a portrait. I'm gonna push myself to make my mind work on something that will be productive versus having my mind wander towards all the bad thoughts surrounding something I have no control over. It's the most devastating feeling knowing that you are the only one hurting while the other can just get over it so quickly. Only a few things allow for someone to be that quick to recovery and that's why my mind goes to all those negative places.

But then, in contrast, I think of the future. I talked to my friend Dan last night and he helped me out with a plan for the fall semester. He's like a superpower when it comes to knowing UT inside and out, so his help is so appreciated. He's going to help me figure out a good schedule that would up my GPA while also getting me the coursework that would help push my foot in the door in the info science dept. While doing all that, I want to and will be studying for the GRE. I need a math tutor. It might be all in vain and I won't be accepted to the graduate program at UT, but maybe it doesn't have to be UT. If UT is #1 in archival studies, where is #2? 3? 4? I will apply to as many grad programs as possible and hope for the best.

While doing that, I still want to do videography for the festivals around town. I know I'm good to do it for the Austin Film Festival, but for the others, I will have to go about trying to network as best I can. I realize I relied on my ex for that. I should have been doing it myself and making these connections myself. Though, I dunno if he would be as cruel as to throw a wrench in that for me. But, you never know. It's just one of the many negative head spaces I keep going to. How is this going to effect my future and the things I love to do?? Mutual things I love to do? I guess only time can tell and I need to stop letting it take over my mind set here. I'm obviously in a bad place right now. Nobody needs this baggage.

Finally breakin' through

2010-12-07T05:10:00.000-06:00

After going after some (just some!!) definition to my stomach, it finally happened tonight when I looked in the mirror after my session of crunches. It's mostly from just finishing the exercising and in about 30 minutes will be as doughy as ever, but it felt good to see something just for a bit. Yes, I'm dumb and took a picture, but I'm proud after doing these exercises for so freaking long. I'm starting to see faintly the long line that runs down the middle of the torso and small faint lines defining the abdominals.
I want to start up my jogging again, but the weather is so cold by the time I get home that it seems I'm psyching myself out. I've never ran in cold weather before, so I guess it's a trial and error type of thing I'll have to do. I want to keep fit and let my body run out all the bad energy. I wish they had an affordable gym here in Kyoto. Or even just a small one like we do in Texas. But, no. It's either you pay at least 10000 yen a month or take it to the streets.
Also, just because Japanese women have these fantastic lean bodies doesn't mean they eat well. Japan is filled with refined sugar, the sodium in everything is sky high, and everything is processed. It's so strange that a country you think eats really healthy and gave us tofu would be a bit more health conscience of their food. If it's not fried, it's slathered in mayo. To eat here, you really have to go the extra mile to buy your own food from the supermarkets and pay a bit extra for that oatmeal.
Buying fresh veggies is great, but you are limited to in season veggies. Fruit is so expensive that you start to long for something that at home you'd pass up for something else.

I think Japanese women are some kind of mutant super humanoids who can process the worst kind of food and it does nothing to their tiny frames. It can really tick you off sometimes when you have your small cup of plain vanilla non-fat yogurt in front of you while the girl across the way has gotten a massive bowl of all the different flavors with m&m's, oreos, and chocolate sauce all over it. How? Just how? Another mystery to the land I'm living in.

6 months in

2010-12-06T12:01:00.000-06:00

I've been in Japan six months now. I have to say it has been the most trying six months of my entire life. It all started off badly and kinda set the tone for the months to come when my car was stolen literally the day before I left.
Now it has claimed my long term relationship. It's over and there's no cosmic superglue that would put this back together. If I could start over or if I could go to the origin of when things started going sour, I would and change it. But, since time doesn't move backwards and never will, I have to be pushed forward. I'm in a grieving state. I feel like I've lost a leg or that my great grandpa has died all over again. I feel helpless. Sadness is the only feeling that seems to overwhelm me and I can't see through to the other side of the haze. I have everyone telling me "Things will get better" and "Hang in there." When people say that to me, I just want to yell "I'M NOT OK!!!!"

I know they have good intentions. I know they are trying some way to comfort me, but I feel so broken. I can look back on this relationship and see exactly where things should have changed or the reasons why it didn't work out. You don't spend a decade with a person and have it end easily. He's so tangled in the web of my life that Austin is going to be a mine field of memories waiting to slap me in the face. And god, when I see him or run into him, I can already feel my stomach dropping to the floor. I'm in extreme nauseous pain. I start bursting into tears randomly. All my interests have left me. I don't even care about watching movies much right now... and that's something I do regularly.

I need to start finding ways to keep myself busy, but with what? I am going to pick up my portraiture again, but even that is hard to start up again. All I want to do right now is go home, curl into a tight ball with my pup, and not leave the room until enough time has passed that I can get up and move on. I could start exercising again, but memberships to fitness clubs here are so expensive. It's become too cold to run outside here. I do my crunch exercises, but it''s pointless to do an exercise that only focuses on one part of the body. But, I still keep doing them.
It's only been 2 weeks now since we broke up and I am losing weight because of the anxiety and lack of appetite I have because of this. It's unhealthy the way my mind and my body are fighting because your heart is in so much pain.

I know whatever happens is for the best. It's the moment I see him with another girl that it will be a soccer punch to my gut.
I just need to get through two more weeeks and then I can be on a flight home to be with my family. I absolutely need it and then I will return here for just 3 more months and I can return back to Austin. I miss my home. I miss it so incredibly much.

OH good lord

2010-11-27T22:14:00.002-06:00

After the last month, I'm not in a good way. So, last night my friend Britta and Sciby took me out and I met up with Britta first in Juso. We found this amazing rock bar that we stayed at for a couple of hours just talking and enjoying the music. Everything was great and I was looking forward to the rest of my night.

I wanted to show Britta this karaoke bar that Sciby had shown me a few times before. It's called Kama Sutra and it's just a hell of a lot of fun. We met up with Sciby and he took us there and I introduced the place to Britta as well as introducing the crazy and funny owner who has shot up with Layne Staley.
We all started ordering drinks and it was fine. Then I ordered a long island ice tea.

That's when things started going not so great. I was having a good time belting out songs and also singing Alice in Chains with the bar owner and then BOOM. Hello drunkiness I've never felt before. Wow, you make me feel a little to woozy. I rushed to the restroom and bam! The first time I've ever thrown up because of alcohol. I felt less like singing and more like laying down at that point.
The odd thing that happened afterwards was that I did sing a song with Britta and apparently some marines or US air force guys came in and started trying to take over the bar. One sat next to me and said at least 3 times. "You're beautiful." I just completely ignored it especially in my extreme drunken state. I couldn't even see straight.

Then he put his arm around me. I leaned forward and leaned towards Britta to keep singing and that's when he freaking started moving his hand around and grabbed my ass! That I CAN remember. The next thing I know though, is that he's disappeared. I was too drunk to really react and just moved in closer to Britta and then layed my head on the table. I found out what happened to the guy after we left the bar.
But, I'll save that for the end of this odd entry. After laying my head on the table for a good while, I stood up and uh-oh. Here it comes. I gracefully cover my mouth and start vomiting inside my hand. I make it just in time to the restroom to let it all out in the squatter they have. Ugh.

By that time, Britta and Sciby both felt we should go to a quieter bar and I barely could walk. They were helping me down the hallway and (this is an interesting thing about Japanese bars. It's like an apartment complex where you can just walk down the hall to the next bar. It's interesting but the bars tend to be much smaller than at home.) I basically collapsed on the couch and I could make out conversations between Britta and a guy who apparently works for ECC as well. I've never seen him, or maybe I have but my alcohol goggles made it impossible. I layed there for quite a while and then I was told, Ok, we could head for the first train now.
(If you go out for a night on the town, you either leave on the last train around 12 or you are forced to stay out until 5am. The good thing is that most bars and karaoke places stay open to accommodate those that have no where to go.)

So, I get up, and oop. Here it comes again. This time some guy went into the bathroom right as I needed to puke and was forced to do the hand thing again and puke it out down the hallway.
What's great about this night is that even though I was a pukey drunken mess, Britta and Sciby weren't phased by it at all. They were wonderful friends and really just were there to let me take out my bad feelings on alcohol. In hindsight, not such a good idea, but they were still there to be supportive.
And that's where I come to the Air force guy who so gently grabbed my ass. As we were walking to the station I told Britta and Sciby what had happened. Britta was like "Oh jesus! EW!"
Sciby was very nonchalant and just said "Yeah, I grabbed him and took him out and had a talk with him." So, Sciby apparently had seen this guy acting a bit too sly on me and took him out of the picture. He didn't fight him, but he had some words. That really made me feel safe and like these two people I were with tonight were really there to watch my back and take care of me through everything. I honestly can't thank them enough and I wish they had some sort of "you are the bestest friend" cake or card or something silly like that to give to them that would actually convey my appreciation.

Two people have now seen me have my first really bad way with alcohol. I do know for sure this is something I don't ever want to revisit. It's 1pm now and I still feel like shit. I took aspirin and have glugged water, but my head feels like it was hit by a train. My tummy also seems to be very testy.
So, this entry is dedicated to my poor liver and my tummy and I promise I won't ever do that to you ever again.
How the hell do people who drink every night do this? Don't they feel like shit every single morning they wake up? They may not get to the point I did, but hell. It still seems like something I wouldn't ever be able to handle.
Thanks Britta and Sciby. You both are the best friends that I needed and it took an ocean away from home to find you guys.

In my time as a Videographer...

2010-09-17T01:19:00.001-05:00

I've been able to see some amazing people. Stephen and I were discussing the list and I'm a bit shocked at the amount of people I've seen. Some I've met, some I've seen up close and personal, some I actually filmed doing a skit for the Alamo, some I got a picture with, and some were seeing as I passed by. It's always fun to spot a celeb, but some actually are cool as shit.

Robert Downey Jr.

John Favreau

Dolph Lundgren

Mike White

Sam Rockwell

Jermaine Clement

Paul Rudd

Ethan Hawke

Nick Stahl

Val Kilmer

Jared Leto

Julie Delpy

Elijah Wood

Charlie Hunnam

Claire Forlani

Bruce Campbell

Kieran Culkan

Emma Stone

Sydney Pollock

James Cromwell

Francis Ford Coppolla

David Bowie

Seth Rogan

Danny Mcbride

Anna Farris

Woody Harrelson

Jesse Eisenberg

Jonah Hill

Michael Rapaport

Michael Angarano

Patton Oswalt

Zach Galifianakis

David Cross

John C. Reilly

Matthew McConaughey

Rory Cochrane

Jason London

Joey Lauren Adams

Parker Posey

William Fichtner

Juliet Lewis

Eli Roth

Sean William Scott

Michael Showalter

Michael Ian Black

David Wain

Sam Raimi

Will Patton

Tom Six

Judd Apatow

Luke Wilson

Andrew Wilson

Dax Shepard

Duncan Jones

Martin Starr

That's all I can remember at the moment... I'll add on as I remember more.

The generation of the misinformed

2010-09-04T05:15:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I never felt the urge to publicly show how much I actually listen to girly music and follow this pop culture stuff. But, I'm tired of reading this crap.

Dear misinformed young female generation,

Kylie Minogue is not trying to be Lady Gaga. Christina Aguilera is not trying to be Lady Gaga. Madonna is not trying to be Lady Gaga. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, FU**ING LOOK AT DAVID BOWIE and maybe something will click? Lady Gaga is simply taking all her styles from the aforementioned artists and incorporating them into her style. If anything, she's copying David Bowie and Madonna more than ANYONE. Her name is even from Radio Gaga by Queen. Do you even know who Queen are?? Yeah, I thought you didn't. End of discussion.

I just watched a new video by Kylie Minogue and I saw some stupid fight in the comments below the video about how Kylie freakin' Minogue is copying Lady Gaga. Really? Uh, because Kylie only had a career when Miss Gaga was in diapers. C'mon, Madonna bra cones making a second appearance in the fucking strange Alejandro video? Who's copying who? The lightning bolt across Gaga's face in a one of her photoshoots? Who is that from? Yeah, the original Mr. David Bowie. Those platform crazy shoes? Have you seen any David Bowie footage of his earlier years? Jesus. If I hear in my lessons "I like Lady Gaga because she's so original and unique" one more time, I'm going to break out my Aladdin Sane album and smash it in their face. When I ask these girls, Do you know who David Bowie is? and I get blank stares, it's just a palm to the face....and moving on. Sigh.

It's definitely apparent the division of age is getting worse and I am feeling too old at just 27. This is pathetic.

End pointless rant

All in due time

2010-08-20T04:30:00.000-05:00

I decided to catch back up on the 365 because even though the catch up images lack in imagination and much effort, it felt like I needed to complete it. It was a goal and I can't be leaving goals just hanging.

I'm not going to bother posting all the images one by one on here so here they are at my flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/g00nie9183/

So, I'm catching all that up and I go back to work tomorrow after a 2 week paid vacation from ECC. Honestly, those 2 weeks were long. It went by fairly fast, yet at the same time, extremely slow. I'm happy to get back to work and I'm sure within a few weeks time, I'll be complaining about needing a break.

I get an MRI on my neck on the 27th because of the numbness in my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. The neurologist believes that has something to do with the nerves in my neck, yet she didn't really approach my back numbness at all. Who knows. I went in originally about my out of control migraines, but somehow was treated for my numb fingers. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come when going to see doctors in Japan.

I'm a bit frustrated with a few things going on in my life and in my own personal struggles. I have these big dreams and wants that conflict with reality. I want to travel to see other parts of the world, but I don't want to do it alone. I want someone else to share it with. A friend, family member, or my boyfriend. Yet, my boyfriend seems content traveling to Canada for his short film that he already traveled there for before, but won't consider traveling to anywhere else to see his girlfriend. I mean, I'd love to see New Zealand. I know he does too. But, is he willing to meet me there? Probably not.

My family is not well off. So, the idea of one of them coming to see me during Christmas probably won't happen.
I'm lonely.
My training group is very split up between the cities, so seeing one another costs someone an amount of money. It also seems that groups who live closer together, obviously hang out together more. It's only logical considering they live within a distance that they don't have to worry about staying out all night or taking the last train home which cuts off around midnight.

Things are taking time to adjust to. A lot of time. It's my first time being on my own. I'm living alone as well as completely alone when it comes to friends within the area. (I mean Kyoto)

This isn't a I'M SO HAPPY I'M IN JAPAN post because it's not. It's reality. I AM happy I'm here, but I'm dealing with the shit that comes with uprooting yourself away from your family and friends to try and do something interesting with your life.
Ugh. I'm tired of writing because I seem to be just rambling and come off more and more negative. I think it has more to do that I just ended a conversation not so positively a bit ago and it's rubbing off in my blog.

So, here's til whenever I write in here again.

Still here

2010-08-09T06:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've written. Things have been going along and it's been quite a mix of emotions. I love exploring the new things and new places around me, but geez, that homesickness really can take a toll. Yes, I've been here one month so it's not exactly very cool to know that only after a month I'm yearning for home.
The answer to why is pretty apparent. I miss my boyfriend and my dog. (yes, my family too) But, the dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend and my pup are a bit more intense I guess. I miss them like crazy. I'm pretty alone out here in Kyoto because not many teachers are placed here. Most are in Osaka, so it's easy for them to get together and keep up the friendships. It's harder on me and my wallet to do so.
I'm also a little nervous when it comes to going to bars or places like that by myself.
It's a thing I just simply have to get over, but when you aren't exactly a drinker to just get drunk (I'm the social kind) I tend to avoid those areas.
Kyoto is amazing. It's fucking hot, but it's still great. When the cooler temperatures arrive, I will be outside as much as possible. The sun simply makes visiting certain places miserable.

So, I've got about 1 month more of this heat and hopefully that means I can enjoy Japan a bit more and maybe have this homesickness subside some.

I have a lot of photos being uploaded over on my facebook and some on my flickr. I'm sure there is a link to my flickr on here. Nobody reads this thing anyways.

This is the end, beautiful friend

2010-07-25T06:28:00.003-05:00

After a lot of thought, I've decided to end my 365 early. Yeah, I know. BOOOO. HISSSS. Failure... bla bla bla. But, the way things have been going, it hasn't exactly been very easy to keep it up. I enjoyed all the awesomeness I had in the States, but I'd rather take photos for fun over here rather than in obligation. So, here's to the 322 photos I did get in. I'd say it was a good run.

322/365

2010-07-20T06:07:00.003-05:00

Diamond Dogs, Aladdin Sane, Young Americans...

I found a small store where to find some awesome band tees today. This one I could not pass up.

321/365

2010-07-19T06:08:00.006-05:00

Hello sunset.

320/365

2010-07-19T06:08:00.003-05:00

Oh, textures, I've missed you.

319/365

2010-07-19T06:08:00.000-05:00

I found a pretty big river that is easy access from my apartment. It's really beautiful during sunsets. Sorry for the lame repetition of photos though. Playing catch up has really been lacking in imagination.

318/365

2010-07-19T04:08:00.000-05:00

Grocery shopping...oohhhhh soooo exciting. I took the good ol' bike to the foreign food market and picked up some food that I'm desperately missing. *ahem cheese*

4 more days of training to go and then I get thrown straight into it on Saturday. It's going to be a stressful week. Then I get 1 day off on Sunday and go straight into a newbie week of teaching.

I've realized how quiet I am to other people. I'm not very aware of it, but apparently I come off very shy and quiet. Meh, I'm really not once you get to know me, but then again I wonder how many people truly know me. My family and Stephen do for sure. Where can I meet some damn people in this city??!

317/365

2010-07-19T04:04:00.000-05:00

Stephen and I had a Sunday night of karaoke together since I was tired from the night before going to the Gion Festival and it's always wonderful to see your dude. Our contact is pretty regular, but once I start working, I'm a bit more worried how things will go. If my days don't start until 3pm, then I'm pretty sure we can keep up a normal-esque time to talk to each other. Otherwise, I dunno.

Yes, I did bring that stupid wig from Texas. I thought I might need it for halloween or my 365. So, here you go. It's making an appearance in my 365.

316/365

2010-07-18T09:14:00.000-05:00

315/365

2010-07-18T09:13:00.002-05:00

Life, it happens...

2010-07-15T08:44:00.000-05:00

So, my 365 is on a short break right now. I'll catch it up, but currently with training and the rain, it doesn't make for good photo ops and simply, I haven't had any time.
My life the past 7 days has basically been get on a train, training, get on a train, sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat.
The next 7 days will basically be the same. I may have some time this Sunday and Monday to take a few, but it won't be up to date. I am going to finish this project out, but it's taken a huge step back in my priority list at this time. I know it's now not really a true 365 any more because the pictures are not ones specifically taken on that day, but it's been close enough. 300+ have been and with my current location and priorities, I'd say it was a good run for those. The last 50 or so will basically be catch up and a lot of just situational photos.
Nobody really cares anyways, honestly. But, since I set a personal goal and almost see the light at the end of the tunnel for it, I plan to finish it out. Come September 1st, my 365 project will be complete and I will start taking photos more for documenting my life at this time and for fun.

Otherwise, things here have been up and down. Of course I expected that much. Some days are better than others, but I think once the rain stops and training ends, things will start to flow more smoothly and I will be able to explore my city more. I will also hopefully be able to meet other teachers in the Kyoto area since all of my training group members are in either Osaka or Kobe. I really like my training group, so I definitely would like to keep in contact if they are willing, but I need people to talk to who aren't a 1500￥ride away.
I'd also like to get back on track with my Japanese. It's terrible. I lost so much of it over the last two years. Immersion is the best way to learn a language, but I still feel pretty much like a fish out of water. Then again, as a foreigner in Japan, I will never exactly be much more than a foreigner to the general population. But, at least I hope I could speak to them without broken Japanese.
I need some time to break out the books and study. Or find some classes that are offered around here. Japanese with my students is strictly forbidden. Which I completely understand. Just like I said, immersion is the best way to learn a language.

Anywho, the hardest things so far are missing my loved ones at home. My puppy included. She seems to be doing just fine without me, but if she hears my voice on the computer through skype, I see her ears perk up and look around for me. It breaks the heart a bit. I dunno why I love that little furry creature so much, but I do. Adjustment to not having someone with me all the time has been difficult. I mean, the last 26 years, I've lived with my family and with my boyfriend. This is the first time I have my own place. It's so strange that it ends up being in another country. I now know what it feels like to live on your own. Almost. It's only been 2 weeks. But, still. I'm sure things will hit really hard soon enough.

Well, time for bed. My limited time I get to spend on the computer has now mostly been eaten up by me writing this ridiculously long post.
Kids training session tomorrow! I'm not that down about the next 2 days though because the trainer is super nice and hilarious. It makes such a difference.

Oyasumi.

314/365

2010-07-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

This is the largest and most rad slide I've ever seen. I've been wanting to take a picture on it ever since I arrived. Finally, tonight after it was raining all day, the rain ceased and I was able to catch a shot.

I love my freakin' camera. It was 10pm when I took this and it looks like it's in the middle of the day. Such an amazing little contraption...

313/365

2010-07-11T06:44:00.000-05:00

I was super early to training that day. I was doing my first demo in front of the trainers and it was nerve- wracking. I barely got sleep that night.

312/365

2010-07-11T06:42:00.002-05:00

Late night train from Osaka to Kyoto.

311/365

2010-07-11T06:41:00.000-05:00

The great people in my training group...

310/365

2010-07-07T02:48:00.002-05:00

I'm studying for training. I've only got 55 pictures left and I can foresee the pictures I will be taking are going to be pretty boring until the 24th of this month. I have to finish this project out, but it will not be be like how I was able to use my creativity in the states.

Sadly, i'm looking forward to the end now because Iv'e got way too many other things to worry about right now. Picture taking here should be an enjoyment, not a task.

309/310

2010-07-07T02:47:00.000-05:00

Me on the steps at Higashi-Honganji temple. I think I might have pissed off an old man taking this. He didn't look happy I was using the steps as a photo op. Oh well.

successes

2010-07-05T18:17:00.001-05:00

   I successfully ordered an iphone 4 yesterday after I had written the blog entry below. I went to another softbank that was about a 10 minute bike ride away. It's funny because on the map everything looks so far away. When in fact it's actually not that far of a ride at all. I have to wait a month before I can receive my phone because I've been put on a waitlist for it. That's ok though. My ARC (Alien Registration Card) is not available in that amount of time as well.
   I talked to another softbank personnel and the guy was such a help. He was obviously worried about communication issues, but both of us pushed through it and figured it all out. The ladies at the other softbank saw me and decided right then and there not to deal with the hassle. I understand though. When there is an obvious language barrier, the almost immediate human reaction for most is to get frustrated and want to get away from the situation. I'm guilty of it when a spanish speaking person would come into the store and I would try to explain things to them that I couldn't translate.
   It's a natural reaction. I do get a lot of stares even though I'm in a city that is filled with foreigners and that will take some time to get used to. It makes you a bit self conscious. I'm wondering "Do I have a booger sticking out of my nose?" No, I think the blonde hair and pale skin immediately has them do a double take.
Anywho, across the street I went into the Aeon mall that had a Jusco in it. I needed a different bar hanger for my wardrobe and more hangers. I bought some frozen foods and veggies and didn't realize that people are bringing their own bags to fill their purchases with. I felt like an idiot. So, random stranger comes in to save the day. She hands me the bag and I couldn't have thanked her more. I tried expressing gratitude by bowing and saying thank you. I hope it was enough. Sometimes people here just surprise you with their generosity. I felt bad though walking out without saying more. I wish I could have expressed my gratitude more than me stumbling through "Doumo Arigatou Gozaimasuuuu!"

So, the day ended pretty well. Besides the kitchen fiasco that turned out just fine, I got to eat my broccoli and mac n' cheese and my toaster oven and microwave are in good working order.

308/365 Say hello to my li'l friend

2010-07-05T00:38:00.001-05:00

I had my shelves, long mirror, and some household items delivered this morning. It made things in here much nicer and more organized. It feels good to be organized and have everything have it's own place. I still figured out I need to get more hangers and a stronger extra bar for the wardrobe. The thinner one I got simply isn't strong enough to hold my pants and what not. I just don't want to go into the Jusco again because I've been there almost every day since I've arrived.

After that, I went and left and went to get the forms that allow me to apply for a bank account and phone. That was the easiest part of today sadly. I went by the Softbank again and was told AGAIN that the iphone was sold out. I need to figure out what phone to get and how in the world to get a contract with that stupid place. I can't decide on a phone by just looking at the pretty little models they have sitting there. I need specs.

So, fail at phone attempt #2. So, I decided to go ahead and walk to the Higashi-Honganji temple after that and on the way stopped at a starbucks. It was nice to taste my Chai tea again. Ordering there is really easy and you can basically point at a drink on the menu if you are desperate. So, I went to the temple and took some shots, but the highlight for me were the pigeons. You can just stick out your arm and they will fly straight onto your hand expecting you to have food. They fall for it every time. I have multiple pictures with the little guys.

The temple itself is stunning. They are currently restoring it, but it was gorgeous. I was ready to explore the grounds a bit more when I realized I didn't have my papers. So, cursing myself I dashed out of there back to the Starbucks hoping I left them there and thank god, I did.

All that tired me out. Sad, really. But, I got my awesome shot in with the pigeon and that's made me pretty happy. I still have a lot of time today to do whatever and I think I'll spend it watching a movie and cracking open my Japanese book. It's pathetic how bad my japanese has gotten.

307/365

2010-07-04T07:00:00.001-05:00

Well, today was less than stellar. It had nothing to do with Japan at all, just general things that happened in succession. The first thing happened as I woke up this morning and the situation is a bit personal to write it out on a public blog. Sorry.

Then I got a migraine.

Then I spent the day having to deal with a very overzealous friend who is really overstepping boundaries on how often you should contact/comment/talk to a person. I'm too nice to say anything because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but they are starting to become very tiring. I don't need that right now.

I went to meet up with my coworkers that I'm training with, but the location to meet was less than stellar. We chose to meet at a station called Namba station and that's like basically suggesting to meet in Manhattan. (Thanks Sciby for the reference there) So, I spent a good time walking around the station and failing to find anyone. I left after about an hour of dodging a massive amount of people and then just came back home.

I decided to go into the park to try and take a photo of that giant slide I wanted to show everyone. But, to put salt on an already shitty day, a group of Japanese teens were throwing off fireworks. Sigh. That's what I wanted to be celebrating tonight. Instead, I sat on the swing and just watched them burn themselves and giggle when one actually went off.

It's been a crappy day just in general. Hopefully I can just watch a movie and relax. Tomorrow I receive the stuff I asked to be delivered and then my apt. will be almost complete. I only need to worry about little things I think from here on out for my apt. I also need to go pick up these forms so I can finally get a phone and a bank account.

Then Tuesday I begin training which I hear is pretty intense and busy.

306/365 Encino woMAN

2010-07-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

This picture totally reminds me of Let the Right One in for some reason.

Or as Stephen pointed out, Encino Man.

305/365 Rain, rain go away

2010-07-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

I've had nowhere to go today because it's just rain, rain, rain. I'm catching up my 365 to be current. Though, that means I might be one day ahead in the US. I've got to with what makes sense in where I'm at. The rain has left me with less than stellar options in scenery to take some good photos. I was actually planning on taking a day trip back up to Kiyomizudera, but the Japanese rain gods decided I better stay inside.

I really do need to just rest though today. Get some R&R. I decided to try the Japanese style of wearing shorts today. The girls wear shorts with tights underneath. The only thing I'm not doing correctly is being teeny tiny and wearing high heels of some sort. Well, sorry Japan. I have a booty and my clothes need some room to accommodate it.

I think I am actually going stir crazy today. Strange considering it's only been 3 days.

304/365 Hmmmm...

2010-07-02T06:23:00.002-05:00

This is a giant ad? of some sort outside my apt. complex. I didn't realized how dwarfed I was next to it.

We're sharing a moment.

Anywho, I'm behind a couple of days, but I plan to remedy that within the next couple of days. I've just been super busy getting my necessities done here and also trying to get actual sleep.

303/365 San Fran ---> Kyoto

2010-06-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

Since I arrived so early on "San Fran" time, I got to my gate and I was the only one here. So, I took the opportunity to at least get a 365 shot in since no one at home is awake. It's 8:30am here and my plane doesn't leave for another 3 hours. I didn't figure my layover time was this long. I was an idiot for thinking my take off times on my tickets were all on Austin time. Durrrrr.

Anyways, I'm so tired it's stupid. I could not, for the life of me, fall asleep on the flight here and now I'm so delirious that the currency exchange lady thought I was deaf and dumb. Also, the Japanese currency is extremely low. They tell me that means it's strong, but for my $5200, I got 435,000円. If I was to exchange the opposite way, I would be hooting and hollering and doing a little dance. Not the other way around. Oh well.

God I'm tired. Want sleep. Good thing I brought my pillow. Also, I'll quit rambling. Maybe I can find a nice chair to nap in.

less than 15 hours...

2010-06-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

I will be arriving in Kansai in around 36 hours from now. I will then be taking the train for another 70 minutes into Kyoto where I will meet my housing agent and he will be taking me to my apartment. This is definitely going to be a long and hard trip. I'm ready though.

So, it may be a while before I update anything including my 365. I'll take pictures, but those won't be available to me to upload for a while.

Things are gonna go fast from here on out. I can feel it. I hope that my trip is smooth and easy. I'm a bit worried about it otherwise.

Much love to everyone who actually reads my blog. I know I'm not exactly the most interesting person in the world, but I do appreciate any traffic that comes through whether it be strangers or friends.

302/365 She Knows...

2010-06-29T11:35:00.002-05:00

My heart splits into a million pieces by one look from those little brown eyes.

This is the last 365 that will be seen safely to say in at least 3 or 4 days. I'll update accordingly as I arrive and what not.

I love you little bear.

Next time I write, I'll be thousands of miles away! So long!

301/395 Eff today

2010-06-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

Everything is getting packed. My camera is snug in my travelers backpack while everything else is being put into their spots. Two suitcases, 1 travel backpack, and 1 computer bag. I feel like I'm overpacking. Actually, I'm sure I am. But, that's ok.

The reason my picture is less than a happy bye-bye photo is because it seems Austin is giving me an early going away present. My car got fucking stolen. Less than 40 hours before I board a flight to Japan, my stinking car was stolen. How's that for a great situation? I'm glad I didn't leave anything in my car and all my belongings are inside and safe with me. Who knows. Something will happen at the airport or my flight will crash. Please pray for me.

Today sucks. The end.

2 days

2010-06-28T08:01:00.001-05:00

Jidai Matsuri in Kyoto.

300/365 You don't get much better than my papa's shirt

2010-06-27T21:27:00.002-05:00

This is pretty personal for a 365, but it's the people I will miss more than anything. I love my papa and mama. My mom, brother and sister. My aunt and my 2 cousins. I love them all.