Monday, January 8, 2024
Dear 40 (38) year old me...
Hey 38 year old me. You were just sharing about all the things you had done in the last 10 years from 18-28 with the intention of updating at 38. Well, gotta a little surprise for you.
You've been through a damn hell of a lot. Currently, you're in therapy with the intention of using EMDR to help with the abuse brought on by a NPD Spaniard you wasted 8 years of your life on. But heyyyy, that's not the only fun part. So, where did I leave off 28 year old me?
Ah, that's right. Let's start with Les. Les, the bisexual man that you dated while in Japan who was finding men on craigslist to have sex with while you were away at home or on vacation. You tried really hard to make it work. I mean...you tried. You did things that only someone who loved another could do, but alas - that was a horrific period of time when the break up happened and you decided to finally return home to the USA. Tail between the legs, but at the same time - ready to get the fuck home back to Texas. This was February 2013 when you came home and let's just say, you were happy with your Kaya-bear and started up your friendship with Cait like you never left.
Sorry to say, you only get to see Taiwan, but hey. The future is going to bring you to bigger and better places. Places you never expected to ever end up in.
No, you do not have children, but yes you are married...in the USA. Not in Spain where you currently live. Long story on that one we can save for a rainy day that we will simply title Alvaro (cursed).
I am in a job that I used to enjoy but now feels more like a chore than the creative space I felt I was having fun doing. I own my own business, Social Unity Media, and because of your business - you've gotten some pretty amazing clients including The United Nations, The Olympics, The Black Eyed Peas, Dr. Laura Berman (kinda cool), and I dunno if Eagles of Death Metal count - but you did work for Slim Jim Phantom and Jennie Vee by going on tour with them. YES, you jumped on a tour van and toured with Jesse Hughes of EODM fame. The meth head who has a heart of gold but the worst brain.
I live now in Madrid, Spain via Amsterdam, Netherlands, via Bremen, Germany. How the fuck did that happen? I have no idea but it did. So, yes you get to see Germany and even live in it for 6 months working as a videographer for a video game company, but no sorry - you're a girl and you're not seeing Egypt without a man.
You're still on all your healthy kicks and habits, especially during the pandemic (didn't see that one coming, did you?) but the breakup and subsequent brutal mental abuse by your ex kinda took care of the weight loss and health issues you are currently enduring. But, luckily after 2 years, you meet somone so sweet, so too good to be true - you're scared shitless. But, it's been 6 months and a lot of roller coasters in my mental health and he's still here. So, let's see where we are in another 6 months.
Your brother still is an artist but does it on his own while working for Amazon as a delivery driver. Your sister, she still does nothing at the age of 22...almost 23. Mom is fairly self-sufficient but not in any way that will be long term. You and your dad have opened communication and it's ok, because you don't put up with bullshit anymore. You've cut out any toxic people in your life including clients (Black Eyed Peas!!). Yup, you fired BEP because of their asshole of a manager. But, Rachel - karma comes.
Kaya does die and it kills you inside. She dies while you are working in Germany and you have to watch on skype as she passes in the arms of Stephen, god bless him. It turns your world upside down and it doesn't alleviate. When you move to Amsterdam, that urge of taking care of an animal is so strong you get a rabbit and name her Artemis. For 7 years, she is your baby. You learn a lot about rabbits and how sensitive, expensive, and loving they are. You had three, but Artemis lived the longest.
Yes, 38 me - I'm still alive and still living in Madrid, Spain for the last 7 years. I'll be here 8 years in August. It's incredible how time flies. But, there are so many bumps in the road that I don't intend to write about now. It's not the time. The failures of dating I will try to make funny, but my relationship with Ritch and Alvaro deserve their own blogs. So, I'll wait to share those stories for another day.
Sadly I do have to tell you, you have tried to end your life multiple times. All from deep depression or influence of medication. But, you're still alive at 40 and guess what? You have a puppy now. Her name is Raziel, just in the same theme of Willow as Kaya was. Fin Raziel was the good witch and Raz is your little monster of a Jack Russell Terrier, but just as sweet. Your baby and savior in many ways.
You asked if I was happy and it was the only thing you wanted me to be, but I have to be honest. I'm not. I've endured 2 and half years of NPD abuse from an ex that would not leave you alone. He left you lifeless in your bed. He left you all bones, crying hysterically on the floor. He robbed you of all your belief systems. He tore away your trust. He lied. He strung you along so much that all your skin was ripped off piece by piece as he kept going. Your soul was crushed. It took a lot for you to get on a plane to leave, but you did it and yet he still didn't want to let go. 2 months later you filed a police report and it finally ended his connection to your life. He's Catholic. I'm not, but if I was - I curse every single year he lives and that he does not accomplish anything he tries or if he does, it comes with a caveat. A baby? It's autistic. A wife? She cheats on him. A job he wants? He gets passed on for roles he wants more than others. The story of Alvaro will be known and it will be here.
So, Danica at 40. You are currently healing from the mental sabotage of Alvaro Garcia Lopez and have been diagnosed with CPTSD and are being treated with antidepressants, antianxiety meds, and sleep aids. You see a psychiatrist and a psychologist weekly with EMDR to pick up soon after 7 months. I hope it works. I really, really do. You have a dog name Raziel, you've said goodbye to two cherished pets, you are dating a wonderful man that you are scared of pushing away, but only time can ever tell.
So, 50 year old Danica - if you live to that age. Is Luis still in your life? Is Raziel? What job are you doing now and where are you living? What changes have happened in your life?
All the blogs following will be stories of my time between 28 - 38 because wow, did I live a life and half in those years. Cheers Danica at 40. Somehow you've done more than you can possibly think of yet at the same time find yourself so sad. Here's to hopeful healing so that life by 41 is finally on the right side of things.
Friday, January 7, 2022
Dear 18 year old me...
Dear 18 year old me,
Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas? Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.
So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?
Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.
Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas? Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.
So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?
Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Thinking ahead
Realizing I'll be leaving in less than 2 weeks, the real itch is starting to reach all the places I can't scratch. I've been in this situation more than enough times now and I've come to realize it's the feeling I love most. Yes, there are many things I worry about, like my family and my aging dog. I worry about my health and making sure my thyroid gets it's needed dosage to stay on target. Everything else can be put aside a bit. But, then I think about coming back after 6 months and coming back to sitting and waiting again. I know I can't do this again. No way.
This last year has affected me negatively because I've felt as if I've had no purpose. I didn't have a goal or direction. Jobs in Austin have been horrendous and I can't see myself here in a office 9 to 5 watching my life dwindle away behind slabs of concrete. I've figure that I'm only happy when I'm out in the world and have access to moving around.
Depending on my life in 6 months, I am keeping the idea of moving abroad to teach English again as an option. Considering I had 3 years experience and then throwing 6 more months in Germany, I believe I could find that as an option. Usually, I would never consider teaching as a career, but teaching abroad is exponentially different than having a classroom in the states. It's a completely different vibe.
I'd be more than happy to live and work abroad in Europe though. I'd love to stay on that side of the world if I had an option, but I know I'm comfortable in Asia as well. I'm learning to live on my own as well. I've always attached myself to a relationship and felt I had to survive having a significant other. The last few years have taught me that others tend to bring on immense pain. I bring my own set of baggage, but it's when the other is welcome to help you carry the other's bags that you've found a good person.
I'm looking forward to growing with myself and starting out like I did almost 5 years ago in Japan. I miss Japan a lot lately. I think it's living and working for myself and having a small group of people that you depend on. This time I get to do this in Europe and find myself there. I seem to thrive when I'm away from Austin. I think it really is time to leave this city behind.
This last year has affected me negatively because I've felt as if I've had no purpose. I didn't have a goal or direction. Jobs in Austin have been horrendous and I can't see myself here in a office 9 to 5 watching my life dwindle away behind slabs of concrete. I've figure that I'm only happy when I'm out in the world and have access to moving around.
Depending on my life in 6 months, I am keeping the idea of moving abroad to teach English again as an option. Considering I had 3 years experience and then throwing 6 more months in Germany, I believe I could find that as an option. Usually, I would never consider teaching as a career, but teaching abroad is exponentially different than having a classroom in the states. It's a completely different vibe.
I'd be more than happy to live and work abroad in Europe though. I'd love to stay on that side of the world if I had an option, but I know I'm comfortable in Asia as well. I'm learning to live on my own as well. I've always attached myself to a relationship and felt I had to survive having a significant other. The last few years have taught me that others tend to bring on immense pain. I bring my own set of baggage, but it's when the other is welcome to help you carry the other's bags that you've found a good person.
I'm looking forward to growing with myself and starting out like I did almost 5 years ago in Japan. I miss Japan a lot lately. I think it's living and working for myself and having a small group of people that you depend on. This time I get to do this in Europe and find myself there. I seem to thrive when I'm away from Austin. I think it really is time to leave this city behind.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Thriving under pressure
I absolutely love the excitement that happens before planning a long trip or excursion away. I'm a pro at it now considering I've done it multiple times for Japan.
Leaving for Japan felt much more set in the idea that I knew where I was going, what I'd be doing immediately, and that I'd had this set in my mind for a good 3 years before leaving. I had my failed attempt in 2008 with the JET programme, so I had experienced various scenarios of living in Japan. So, in 2010, I was more than prepared for all possibilities.
This is such a different level of excitement.
I have dreamed of Germany and Europe since I was a child. My family is German in heritage and I grew up listening to my great grandmother speak in her heavy accent. I took German in high school (though I was such a bad student), but still held on to the dream of seeing Germany. It's hilarious to me that I ended up on the other side of the world first.
I leave in almost 3 weeks from now to go stay in Germany for 6 months. I am required to travel to Cologne, Berlin, London. Prague, and Vienna for the position I'm taking up. So, my dreams of seeing Europe for more than an extended vacation is coming true. Aaaand in the field I would like to work in. It's a dream come true for me.
After the last few months, it's very much welcome. I have also had amazing job experiences the last couple of months and I really have to say that I love what I do. I thrive under the pressure. I love working in the film and media industry. I hope I can keep in this field that I love and grow with this.
I am so damned excited.
Leaving for Japan felt much more set in the idea that I knew where I was going, what I'd be doing immediately, and that I'd had this set in my mind for a good 3 years before leaving. I had my failed attempt in 2008 with the JET programme, so I had experienced various scenarios of living in Japan. So, in 2010, I was more than prepared for all possibilities.
This is such a different level of excitement.
I have dreamed of Germany and Europe since I was a child. My family is German in heritage and I grew up listening to my great grandmother speak in her heavy accent. I took German in high school (though I was such a bad student), but still held on to the dream of seeing Germany. It's hilarious to me that I ended up on the other side of the world first.
I leave in almost 3 weeks from now to go stay in Germany for 6 months. I am required to travel to Cologne, Berlin, London. Prague, and Vienna for the position I'm taking up. So, my dreams of seeing Europe for more than an extended vacation is coming true. Aaaand in the field I would like to work in. It's a dream come true for me.
After the last few months, it's very much welcome. I have also had amazing job experiences the last couple of months and I really have to say that I love what I do. I thrive under the pressure. I love working in the film and media industry. I hope I can keep in this field that I love and grow with this.
I am so damned excited.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The Next Chapter
The last couple of years have been the hardest I have had in my adult life. I left Japan, I began to understand what it felt like to date again, had a disastrous time with employment, was in a whirlwind romance, and had surgery (twice).
It's been extremely difficult time since I've been home. Though my relationship with R ended after a very intense courting, I found myself jumping feet first into finding employment in the film production field again. I had the amazing opportunity to work on a documentary by the legend Julien Temple. Lugging around 4 teenagers from Ireland during SXSW was probably one of the funnest gigs I have ever had the privilege of doing.
I'd love to write in depth about that experience later. After that, I worked on a TV series for the Discovery channel. I applied to a German paid internship that took about 2 months to go through. I had to create a video in a week to submit to the company for the position. On top of all my credentials, I had to make sure I proved I was capable of the job requirements.
Somehow I luckily landed the job days after a second surgery to take care of what the first did not do. That was extremely scary and I'm glad to be sitting here now typing that I believe and hope that worry is behind me.
I'm really hoping that this begins a new chapter in my life for the better. I would like to keep moving forward and try to stop wallowing in the past. Unfortunate things have happened, but lately, I realize that I've had some amazing opportunities in my life. It's what keeps me going and I hope to continue down that path.
It's been extremely difficult time since I've been home. Though my relationship with R ended after a very intense courting, I found myself jumping feet first into finding employment in the film production field again. I had the amazing opportunity to work on a documentary by the legend Julien Temple. Lugging around 4 teenagers from Ireland during SXSW was probably one of the funnest gigs I have ever had the privilege of doing.
I'd love to write in depth about that experience later. After that, I worked on a TV series for the Discovery channel. I applied to a German paid internship that took about 2 months to go through. I had to create a video in a week to submit to the company for the position. On top of all my credentials, I had to make sure I proved I was capable of the job requirements.
Somehow I luckily landed the job days after a second surgery to take care of what the first did not do. That was extremely scary and I'm glad to be sitting here now typing that I believe and hope that worry is behind me.
I'm really hoping that this begins a new chapter in my life for the better. I would like to keep moving forward and try to stop wallowing in the past. Unfortunate things have happened, but lately, I realize that I've had some amazing opportunities in my life. It's what keeps me going and I hope to continue down that path.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Love (and the lack of?) in 2013
2013 has been one of the most confusing and mind altering years I have ever had. I rung in the New Year in one of the most quiet ways possible. I watched a film with my ex on the couch and sipped on some really bad Japanese champagne.
One month later, I found myself back in Texas. All of February was a weird blur. I don't really remember much of it except that after the 23rd (Les' birthday) I got an email complaining that I hadn't said anything to him for his birthday. I was confused as to seeing how we both agreed that neither of us wanted to be in each others lives. But, I kept getting the emails and my previous post in June was when I finally told him to just leave me alone. As the months have passed since I have finally gotten away from him, I can see how poisonous he was.
I dated a bartender from a bar that I went to quite often. It lasted about 3 months, but was a strange cathartic time. Even though he ended up being a guy who so often said "If I'm dating you, I'm not dating anyone else" and was sleeping with other women at the same time, I ended up not caring in the end and just let it go. I never put anything into it really. I think it was more of a distraction than actually caring.
Then I somehow ended up in a really awkward dance with a friend of my brother. He was cute. He was sweet...I now never know to ever date anyone younger than me. 5 years makes all the difference in my world. I've always dated older and I think it's because I'm attracted to someone who has more experience or just can generally gab with me about things that were around about the same time. This kid had a lot of issues. He told me some really weird and strange stories about his life that read out of about 5 movies mashed into one. He even claimed he had killed a girl in some sort of a fight bet on by mobs that his father ran for the FBI. NO JOKE. I was supposed to believe this? Who actually believes being told this crap?!
I called him on it. I don't think anyone has ever really called him out. He didn't know what to do or say except apologize. Just listening to the ridiculous and silly stories coming out of his mouth made me realize he just wanted a lot of attention. Too much attention.
All in all, these were the two more substantial experiences I had in the midst of some crazy experiences. I can honestly say with a passion how much I hate to date. It's incredibly depressing and makes you realize what you are willing to put up with. This was my experience:
- I was asked by an idiot to be his "mistress" after 3 dates to finally disclose he had an open relationship with his girlfriend in California. No effing way.
- I went on a date with a dude from Oklahoma that decided peeing and videotaping himself at the same time was a good idea. Hence his nickname, drunk piss boy.
- I went on a couple dates with a guy who ended up being extremely sweet, but extremely into the ideas of cosmic and spiritual alignment a little too seriously.
-I met a few guys who came up to the Broken Spoke to meet me and never ended up actually going on dates with them. You usually can feel when something is just not clicking.
It was a hectic 9 months. Nine whole months of hell. By the beginning of October, I just had enough. I was a third wheel on a date with my friend who met this complete weirdo. Seeing it from the outside and being around the situation drove it home how much I hated the dating scene. I still had a okcupid profile and not a couple days after having the realization I just didn't care about the dating scene, I went to go remove myself.
Boy, I'm glad I did. I had one message in the midst of all my "So, what's up? I dunno what your tattoo is but "yer hooot." Here's a picture of my penis." (Yes, many okcupid messages would be just random dude's dicks)
I got asked a very short and succinct question about my tattoo. He asked simply how my day was. Nothing mind blowing...but, that in itself was nice.
I went on a date with this guy after going back and forth in text and email for a bit and felt that he definitely was someone I would be willing to meet. That in itself was a lot more than I had been willing to do for anyone else. I threw out all my scariest traits in the beginning because I just don't have the patience or time to apologize for being a pretty goofy nerd. But, he still seemed interested in meeting me. So, I did it. I went up to his work and met him for the first time.
I am pretty new into this relationship. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I don't think there has been a 24 hour span where we haven't seen each other. I am scared to say much more because after everything that has happened in my life in the last 4 years, love has not been kind. I can say without a doubt that I've definitely fallen head over heels in love for someone in a very short amount of time.
The last time I can ever remember falling this hardly for someone was Ben. He and I had a special bond that even though we didn't make it as a couple, he remained my friend and art buddy. I think it takes just the right combination of people to make such a connection. I finally let down my walls after a lot of convincing from my friend Cait and my mom to do so. I am so guarded. I still feel it. I know that I still have a pretty giant wall up even now. I let all the other one's down just to get this far.
People may see it as pessimism. I see it as self preservation. I opened up myself to Les and put so much faith into one person to be the one that I thought I'd marry and make a life with. When the double life and the cheating with a man happened, it destroyed me. It took so much from me that I was left an empty shell. You can't exactly get rid of all the baggage that comes with such betrayal.
The way I see it, I am going into this relationship with everything put behind me as experience. I don't want to see what goes on with his online presence. I don't want to know or ever use any of his electronics unless navigated by him. I don't ever want to be in a position like that ever again. Ignorance IS bliss sometimes. If I am burned in the end and dumped, I want to be able to walk away saying the worst thing about him was being dumped!
Britta asked me not long after Stephen and I broke up what had ended Ben and I? When I actually sat down and thought about it, I couldn't believe that he and I actually broke up over how often he smoked weed. I was seventeen though. I was young and apparently thought people would break up over the most ridiculous things. I guess in my mind at the time, the amount of pot he smoked warranted us not dating. WOW...mind explosion.
2013. How will you end in regards to love? Am I going to write a blog screaming devotion to a man I met 3 months before or am I going to be ranting about my future as a single dog lady? If I only had a crystal ball...
One month later, I found myself back in Texas. All of February was a weird blur. I don't really remember much of it except that after the 23rd (Les' birthday) I got an email complaining that I hadn't said anything to him for his birthday. I was confused as to seeing how we both agreed that neither of us wanted to be in each others lives. But, I kept getting the emails and my previous post in June was when I finally told him to just leave me alone. As the months have passed since I have finally gotten away from him, I can see how poisonous he was.
I dated a bartender from a bar that I went to quite often. It lasted about 3 months, but was a strange cathartic time. Even though he ended up being a guy who so often said "If I'm dating you, I'm not dating anyone else" and was sleeping with other women at the same time, I ended up not caring in the end and just let it go. I never put anything into it really. I think it was more of a distraction than actually caring.
Then I somehow ended up in a really awkward dance with a friend of my brother. He was cute. He was sweet...I now never know to ever date anyone younger than me. 5 years makes all the difference in my world. I've always dated older and I think it's because I'm attracted to someone who has more experience or just can generally gab with me about things that were around about the same time. This kid had a lot of issues. He told me some really weird and strange stories about his life that read out of about 5 movies mashed into one. He even claimed he had killed a girl in some sort of a fight bet on by mobs that his father ran for the FBI. NO JOKE. I was supposed to believe this? Who actually believes being told this crap?!
I called him on it. I don't think anyone has ever really called him out. He didn't know what to do or say except apologize. Just listening to the ridiculous and silly stories coming out of his mouth made me realize he just wanted a lot of attention. Too much attention.
All in all, these were the two more substantial experiences I had in the midst of some crazy experiences. I can honestly say with a passion how much I hate to date. It's incredibly depressing and makes you realize what you are willing to put up with. This was my experience:
- I was asked by an idiot to be his "mistress" after 3 dates to finally disclose he had an open relationship with his girlfriend in California. No effing way.
- I went on a date with a dude from Oklahoma that decided peeing and videotaping himself at the same time was a good idea. Hence his nickname, drunk piss boy.
- I went on a couple dates with a guy who ended up being extremely sweet, but extremely into the ideas of cosmic and spiritual alignment a little too seriously.
-I met a few guys who came up to the Broken Spoke to meet me and never ended up actually going on dates with them. You usually can feel when something is just not clicking.
It was a hectic 9 months. Nine whole months of hell. By the beginning of October, I just had enough. I was a third wheel on a date with my friend who met this complete weirdo. Seeing it from the outside and being around the situation drove it home how much I hated the dating scene. I still had a okcupid profile and not a couple days after having the realization I just didn't care about the dating scene, I went to go remove myself.
Boy, I'm glad I did. I had one message in the midst of all my "So, what's up? I dunno what your tattoo is but "yer hooot." Here's a picture of my penis." (Yes, many okcupid messages would be just random dude's dicks)
I got asked a very short and succinct question about my tattoo. He asked simply how my day was. Nothing mind blowing...but, that in itself was nice.
I went on a date with this guy after going back and forth in text and email for a bit and felt that he definitely was someone I would be willing to meet. That in itself was a lot more than I had been willing to do for anyone else. I threw out all my scariest traits in the beginning because I just don't have the patience or time to apologize for being a pretty goofy nerd. But, he still seemed interested in meeting me. So, I did it. I went up to his work and met him for the first time.
I am pretty new into this relationship. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I don't think there has been a 24 hour span where we haven't seen each other. I am scared to say much more because after everything that has happened in my life in the last 4 years, love has not been kind. I can say without a doubt that I've definitely fallen head over heels in love for someone in a very short amount of time.
The last time I can ever remember falling this hardly for someone was Ben. He and I had a special bond that even though we didn't make it as a couple, he remained my friend and art buddy. I think it takes just the right combination of people to make such a connection. I finally let down my walls after a lot of convincing from my friend Cait and my mom to do so. I am so guarded. I still feel it. I know that I still have a pretty giant wall up even now. I let all the other one's down just to get this far.
People may see it as pessimism. I see it as self preservation. I opened up myself to Les and put so much faith into one person to be the one that I thought I'd marry and make a life with. When the double life and the cheating with a man happened, it destroyed me. It took so much from me that I was left an empty shell. You can't exactly get rid of all the baggage that comes with such betrayal.
The way I see it, I am going into this relationship with everything put behind me as experience. I don't want to see what goes on with his online presence. I don't want to know or ever use any of his electronics unless navigated by him. I don't ever want to be in a position like that ever again. Ignorance IS bliss sometimes. If I am burned in the end and dumped, I want to be able to walk away saying the worst thing about him was being dumped!
Britta asked me not long after Stephen and I broke up what had ended Ben and I? When I actually sat down and thought about it, I couldn't believe that he and I actually broke up over how often he smoked weed. I was seventeen though. I was young and apparently thought people would break up over the most ridiculous things. I guess in my mind at the time, the amount of pot he smoked warranted us not dating. WOW...mind explosion.
2013. How will you end in regards to love? Am I going to write a blog screaming devotion to a man I met 3 months before or am I going to be ranting about my future as a single dog lady? If I only had a crystal ball...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
more than a year??
I can't believe it's been more than a year since I've written on my blog. It felt alien to revisit it a few days ago. I'm back in Texas again. Looking for work. I finally was able to cut the last thread holding Les in my life. I did it today actually. I have been saying for a while now how much I cannot forgive him, but it never seemed to stick. It seemed like he wanted to ignore it. But, finally it seemed to break through and it felt good to just wipe it off.
He's a disease. A sickness that is camouflaged as a cure. He told me to learn how to take my own advice in some sort of backhanded insult. What he was referring to? I have no idea. The big thing is that I felt in my heart "yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep bringing on the passive aggressive insults and get them over with. I got shit to do."
Goodbye Leslie Praisley. May you never lie to another woman again about being a bisexual male that cheated on your girlfriend with a stranger off of craigslist. The situations you put me in were worse than if it were written for the screen. Goodbye.
He's a disease. A sickness that is camouflaged as a cure. He told me to learn how to take my own advice in some sort of backhanded insult. What he was referring to? I have no idea. The big thing is that I felt in my heart "yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep bringing on the passive aggressive insults and get them over with. I got shit to do."
Goodbye Leslie Praisley. May you never lie to another woman again about being a bisexual male that cheated on your girlfriend with a stranger off of craigslist. The situations you put me in were worse than if it were written for the screen. Goodbye.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Dear 18 year old me...
Dear 18 year old me,
Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas? Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.
So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?
Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.
Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas? Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.
So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?
Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
365 part deux
I am going to do a second 365.
52 weeks. Each week a theme.
A picture every day for that theme. 7 photos.
My week will start on a Sunday and end on the Saturday.
I'm anticipating the fun and of course the annoyances that come with this, but oh how I love art projects.
52 weeks. Each week a theme.
A picture every day for that theme. 7 photos.
My week will start on a Sunday and end on the Saturday.
I'm anticipating the fun and of course the annoyances that come with this, but oh how I love art projects.
twists and turns and hope
Ha.
I feel like I should be just laughing. But the thing is, I am.
I needed to come home for my health. Particularly my mental and physical health. So far, it's been a exponentially good experience but also a huge wake up call.
My battle with depression is no secret. My battle to fight it is. I'm now seeing a therapist regularly and also taking an antidepressant. I'm feeling better than I have in months. I think the catalyst for me after reading a few professional books (Learned Optimism-strongly suggest for those like me) for recognition and skills to stop the pessimistic view of everything and try to turn that around, was just the move to Japan last year. It was a huge step. A huge change. On top of that, a new job, a new country and customs, and then a new fresh break up. It was all so damaging to my psyche. Even though one in particular was just down right negative, major life changes all can do such terrible damage if you are a person who has a tendency for negative thought. Um, yeah, that's me.
So, now I'm doing my best to get my mind healthy and back on track. Not only does pessimism affect your day to day life, it affects your immune system. I got sick in Japan. Often. As my depression made me deteriorate more and more each day, my health got worse. Seeing a correlation between the two is obvious. But, backed up by scientific study as well. Coming home for this amount of time has been a good thing because I needed help. Badly.
Which brings me to the fun part. I'm going back to Japan at the end of March. I will begin fresh with a known expectations of Japan, a place I'm familiar going back to, and back into the arms of someone I love dearly. It will not be all roses and sunshine, but I know I'm going back with a fresh head on my shoulders. A different outlook. I feel better and I want my time in Japan to be something I don't look back on in distaste. It's funny how I keep returning to Japan. It's like we have a love affair that is a hate/love relationship. My goal is to keep this as a love relationship and not take it for granted again.
So, wow. Yeah. Back to Japan! I plan on possibly doing new 365 project. Only this one is not of myself for the whole year. This will be of life interests. Even the simplest of interests. If I decide to take a photo of the high school baseball team across the way from my apartment, I'll do it. Of course the goal is to use the camera and become extremely familiar with it. April 1st will begin my 365. They'll probably be a lot of odd shots. Some from a phone, some from a point and shoot, most from my DSLR. I'm excited. I almost want to begin it now. If anything, I might actually do it. Instead, I'll start it on the 1st of March? Let's see what happens. :)
Here is a photo of my most recent finished piece of art:
It's a mixed media piece on canvas. It's acrylic paint and pastel. I sealed the pastel with acrylic and it darkened the pastel. So, I plan to go back over it again with another coat of pastel and again seal it.
It's the first completed piece I've done in quite some time. I'm currently working on a portrait for my grandfather's friends. I should be drawing right now actually, but I'm so very tired. My sleep is been so crazy. I don't have any sort of schedule at all. I do know that I'm up until ungodly hours of the night.
Ha.
But, hey. The main thing here in my life at this moment is the fact that for the 4th time in my life, I'm going over to Japan to live yet again. I take that back, 3rd time to live, 4th time to be in the country. I just can't quit you Japan. What kind of romance did I get involved with!
I know that there is a Canadian there though that I am excited to see. Life sure does go through loops and twists and turns you never expect. I NEVER thought I'd enter Japan again. But, now I'm going back to live there for at least another year. I'm just, well, amazed. But, I should never assume anything is for sure anymore. I could end up leaving in the winter due to some outside event. The fact still remains though and that is my intentions.
I'm excited. It's like a new chapter. Time to close this one. Time to reset. Unwind. Mentally prepare and be of good spirits...to stay that way.
Just wow. Life is extremely strange. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Where will I be this time next year? I knew this time last year I was convinced I was going home at the end of March. I had just started seeing Les. Britta and Sciby were accessible friends. I was happy for a bit.
Time to make that happiness stay.
I feel like I should be just laughing. But the thing is, I am.
I needed to come home for my health. Particularly my mental and physical health. So far, it's been a exponentially good experience but also a huge wake up call.
My battle with depression is no secret. My battle to fight it is. I'm now seeing a therapist regularly and also taking an antidepressant. I'm feeling better than I have in months. I think the catalyst for me after reading a few professional books (Learned Optimism-strongly suggest for those like me) for recognition and skills to stop the pessimistic view of everything and try to turn that around, was just the move to Japan last year. It was a huge step. A huge change. On top of that, a new job, a new country and customs, and then a new fresh break up. It was all so damaging to my psyche. Even though one in particular was just down right negative, major life changes all can do such terrible damage if you are a person who has a tendency for negative thought. Um, yeah, that's me.
So, now I'm doing my best to get my mind healthy and back on track. Not only does pessimism affect your day to day life, it affects your immune system. I got sick in Japan. Often. As my depression made me deteriorate more and more each day, my health got worse. Seeing a correlation between the two is obvious. But, backed up by scientific study as well. Coming home for this amount of time has been a good thing because I needed help. Badly.
Which brings me to the fun part. I'm going back to Japan at the end of March. I will begin fresh with a known expectations of Japan, a place I'm familiar going back to, and back into the arms of someone I love dearly. It will not be all roses and sunshine, but I know I'm going back with a fresh head on my shoulders. A different outlook. I feel better and I want my time in Japan to be something I don't look back on in distaste. It's funny how I keep returning to Japan. It's like we have a love affair that is a hate/love relationship. My goal is to keep this as a love relationship and not take it for granted again.
So, wow. Yeah. Back to Japan! I plan on possibly doing new 365 project. Only this one is not of myself for the whole year. This will be of life interests. Even the simplest of interests. If I decide to take a photo of the high school baseball team across the way from my apartment, I'll do it. Of course the goal is to use the camera and become extremely familiar with it. April 1st will begin my 365. They'll probably be a lot of odd shots. Some from a phone, some from a point and shoot, most from my DSLR. I'm excited. I almost want to begin it now. If anything, I might actually do it. Instead, I'll start it on the 1st of March? Let's see what happens. :)
Here is a photo of my most recent finished piece of art:
It's the first completed piece I've done in quite some time. I'm currently working on a portrait for my grandfather's friends. I should be drawing right now actually, but I'm so very tired. My sleep is been so crazy. I don't have any sort of schedule at all. I do know that I'm up until ungodly hours of the night.
Ha.
But, hey. The main thing here in my life at this moment is the fact that for the 4th time in my life, I'm going over to Japan to live yet again. I take that back, 3rd time to live, 4th time to be in the country. I just can't quit you Japan. What kind of romance did I get involved with!
I know that there is a Canadian there though that I am excited to see. Life sure does go through loops and twists and turns you never expect. I NEVER thought I'd enter Japan again. But, now I'm going back to live there for at least another year. I'm just, well, amazed. But, I should never assume anything is for sure anymore. I could end up leaving in the winter due to some outside event. The fact still remains though and that is my intentions.
I'm excited. It's like a new chapter. Time to close this one. Time to reset. Unwind. Mentally prepare and be of good spirits...to stay that way.
Just wow. Life is extremely strange. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Where will I be this time next year? I knew this time last year I was convinced I was going home at the end of March. I had just started seeing Les. Britta and Sciby were accessible friends. I was happy for a bit.
Time to make that happiness stay.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A long ride since Taiwan
In short, I stopped blogging because so much had begun to happen around the time of before and after Taiwan. During this time, I was dealing with a health issue the doctors in Japan could not figure out. I decided to go on a diet that I found online by listing my symptoms. It came up consistently as interstitial cystitis. While on the diet, I slowly got better on my own without the help of Japanese doctors.
I was basically forced to move in with my boyfriend Les, who's roommate decided to get up and leave the apartment with less than 48 hours notice. It was a brisk and tough decision, but it was made. I moved in with Les in September and honestly, it just went south from there. Not necessarily us, but me. My moods went south not only because of my continual struggle with my health, but my mental health was faltering. It became so bad, that by November, I was grasping at reasons why I was still in Japan and how much of being there I could take anymore. A lot of other personal issues were involved, but the most important reasons I left Japan on December 8, 2011 was for my mental health.
As for Les and I? Well, he is still in my life. I still love him with all my heart. He has issues he has to deal with as well. I am back at home, slowly trying to readjust and get better. It's been a painstaking process so far. I miss Les like crazy. He not only showed me what a good and compassionate human being can be like, but how opposites can attract. He is someone I would probably never give a second glance to here in Austin. We would have probably never crossed the same paths ever. But, by going to Japan and opening myself up to so many different walks of life, I met him and fell in love. At this point in time we are not putting ourselves in a relationship. Though, we are there for each other. I speak to him nearly every day in some fashion. I'm here for him as he goes through what he needs to go through while I also focus on getting my depression under control.
I've been to two therapy sessions since being home and the third will decide whether I stay with this therapist or not. Our last session was really less than satisfactory.
So, yes. Between Taiwan in August and now (January 10, 2010) I have moved from one apartment into my boyfriend's, went through a lot of crap with my job, had a serious breakdown caused by outside influences, and then I was put on a plane and sent home for my own sanity. Though I feel it may have been a rash decision, I feel now and see that this path was going to happen. I didn't think it would, but I guess I knew deep down I wouldn't have lasted in Japan until August. I just missed too much here at home and needed to heal as well on a whole other level for specific things in my life.
I'm currently on the job hunt and have been since I got home. So far, I'm a UTemp which hasn't given me work yet. I also apply to at least 2-6 jobs a day online. I had an interview with a used clothing store, but didn't make the cut. (I think I had to be a level of hipster that wasn't what they were looking for) So, I made my portfolio website:
www.danicasteinhauser.com
And I continue to go day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am waiting to hear if I got into a school in Canada that is a Grad certification program for Special FX makeup and prosthetics. It's something I want so badly that it almost hurts to think too much about it. If I get denied, I know the blow it will give me. But, no matter what, the one thing I keep hoping and looking forward to is that hopefully Les and I will continue to talk and love each other. If that continues and we both feel the same way we do as of today, then he will fly to Austin and we will drive to Canada together and while he goes to school, I will do my best in finding another program or work that will sponsor me. My goal is to be with Les in Canada by the end of August. But, you know how things go in life. It's never a one way road. It takes twists and turns and you end up in a totally different direction than you originally planned. So, what I just wrote is all my hopes. I can't say plans, but my hopes.
You take for granted a lot of things in life. One is friends. Don't ever take for granted friends that you have. Respect them, keep up with them, be honest with them, and love them. Keep them close. They are what make you sane. Insanity comes easily from loneliness. I've come to see that friendship is something that cannot have a value put on it. One single true friend is worth more than anything in the world. If I was offered to be rich and friendless or rich in friends but poor in cash, gimme the friends.
I'll try and keep up with my blog again. It was doing me good for a while, especially getting over my ex. Which I can finally say in full confidence that I am over. I found love that I don't think I'll ever find the equivalent of again. It's why I want to hold onto it so dearly. Patience. It's not a virtue I have. But, it's what I have to do in order to hopefully see Les again.
Let's see how things roll now? I'm back home and still mending. It's been a month now. But, even after a month I still feel like an alien in my own hometown. Strange how things like that work.
I was basically forced to move in with my boyfriend Les, who's roommate decided to get up and leave the apartment with less than 48 hours notice. It was a brisk and tough decision, but it was made. I moved in with Les in September and honestly, it just went south from there. Not necessarily us, but me. My moods went south not only because of my continual struggle with my health, but my mental health was faltering. It became so bad, that by November, I was grasping at reasons why I was still in Japan and how much of being there I could take anymore. A lot of other personal issues were involved, but the most important reasons I left Japan on December 8, 2011 was for my mental health.
As for Les and I? Well, he is still in my life. I still love him with all my heart. He has issues he has to deal with as well. I am back at home, slowly trying to readjust and get better. It's been a painstaking process so far. I miss Les like crazy. He not only showed me what a good and compassionate human being can be like, but how opposites can attract. He is someone I would probably never give a second glance to here in Austin. We would have probably never crossed the same paths ever. But, by going to Japan and opening myself up to so many different walks of life, I met him and fell in love. At this point in time we are not putting ourselves in a relationship. Though, we are there for each other. I speak to him nearly every day in some fashion. I'm here for him as he goes through what he needs to go through while I also focus on getting my depression under control.
I've been to two therapy sessions since being home and the third will decide whether I stay with this therapist or not. Our last session was really less than satisfactory.
So, yes. Between Taiwan in August and now (January 10, 2010) I have moved from one apartment into my boyfriend's, went through a lot of crap with my job, had a serious breakdown caused by outside influences, and then I was put on a plane and sent home for my own sanity. Though I feel it may have been a rash decision, I feel now and see that this path was going to happen. I didn't think it would, but I guess I knew deep down I wouldn't have lasted in Japan until August. I just missed too much here at home and needed to heal as well on a whole other level for specific things in my life.
I'm currently on the job hunt and have been since I got home. So far, I'm a UTemp which hasn't given me work yet. I also apply to at least 2-6 jobs a day online. I had an interview with a used clothing store, but didn't make the cut. (I think I had to be a level of hipster that wasn't what they were looking for) So, I made my portfolio website:
www.danicasteinhauser.com
And I continue to go day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am waiting to hear if I got into a school in Canada that is a Grad certification program for Special FX makeup and prosthetics. It's something I want so badly that it almost hurts to think too much about it. If I get denied, I know the blow it will give me. But, no matter what, the one thing I keep hoping and looking forward to is that hopefully Les and I will continue to talk and love each other. If that continues and we both feel the same way we do as of today, then he will fly to Austin and we will drive to Canada together and while he goes to school, I will do my best in finding another program or work that will sponsor me. My goal is to be with Les in Canada by the end of August. But, you know how things go in life. It's never a one way road. It takes twists and turns and you end up in a totally different direction than you originally planned. So, what I just wrote is all my hopes. I can't say plans, but my hopes.
You take for granted a lot of things in life. One is friends. Don't ever take for granted friends that you have. Respect them, keep up with them, be honest with them, and love them. Keep them close. They are what make you sane. Insanity comes easily from loneliness. I've come to see that friendship is something that cannot have a value put on it. One single true friend is worth more than anything in the world. If I was offered to be rich and friendless or rich in friends but poor in cash, gimme the friends.
I'll try and keep up with my blog again. It was doing me good for a while, especially getting over my ex. Which I can finally say in full confidence that I am over. I found love that I don't think I'll ever find the equivalent of again. It's why I want to hold onto it so dearly. Patience. It's not a virtue I have. But, it's what I have to do in order to hopefully see Les again.
Let's see how things roll now? I'm back home and still mending. It's been a month now. But, even after a month I still feel like an alien in my own hometown. Strange how things like that work.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Taiwan
This is a very short entry because I have to work tomorrow bright and early. Or at least the early part.
Taiwan in short was amazing. Hualien was my favorite because of the mountains and the ocean scenery. Both were so stunning I felt like I was in a dream world. Taipei was really cool, but very much a city that offers only really what a city can usually do with it's regular sightseeing places.
But this is day 3 there. We came in on the 7th at night and visited the night market and then on the 8th we just decided to take the day to rest and relax.
Day 3 though began our true sightseeing and sweating our asses off. I thought Japan was hot. I could never ever live in the heat and humidity Taiwan had to offer. We were pounding water just to replace all that was lost during the day.
It's not much, but here is our "first" day off sightseeing in the city. We made our way to the National Palace Museum which is quite amazing.
The National Palace Museum home page
Day 3: National Palace Museum - My flickr account with all the photos.
Taiwan in short was amazing. Hualien was my favorite because of the mountains and the ocean scenery. Both were so stunning I felt like I was in a dream world. Taipei was really cool, but very much a city that offers only really what a city can usually do with it's regular sightseeing places.
But this is day 3 there. We came in on the 7th at night and visited the night market and then on the 8th we just decided to take the day to rest and relax.
Day 3 though began our true sightseeing and sweating our asses off. I thought Japan was hot. I could never ever live in the heat and humidity Taiwan had to offer. We were pounding water just to replace all that was lost during the day.
It's not much, but here is our "first" day off sightseeing in the city. We made our way to the National Palace Museum which is quite amazing.
The National Palace Museum home page
Day 3: National Palace Museum - My flickr account with all the photos.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Long needed blog: coming soon
These are just 3 people who I look forward to seeing weekly. They give me the push I need to get back on track and get out of my slump. The tall drink of water that has stolen Tina's hat (I stole Alice's) is also one of the things pulling me out of my slump.
Many photos of general life and general what's up in the near future. Now = bed.
Now I leave this entry with what you generally find behind the counter at a Japanese Starbucks serving your coffee:
Aaaaaand..... Adieu.
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