Random thoughts

Thanks to 5 semesters of Japanese, I randomly remember words in the midst of a conversation when I need them the least. When I actually need to remember something, I start miming everything. Sigh.
Todays random words: washoku and youshoku. Basically it's Japanese cuisine and western cuisine. This pops in my head when I'm talking to a staff member about the weather for the coming weekend. Language is really weird sometimes.

It's even better when you start mixing languages. Somehow I'll throw out Spanish randomly here. Or I noticed when I was home for the holidays, if I bumped into someone or wanted to say excuse me, I'd say sumimasen. My brain can't seem to decide which language I'm supposed to be speaking.


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Perseverance pays off

    This entry may come completely off as narcissistic, but I've been going at it with exercises for the last six months. I'm proud at how far I've come because I have never stuck to a regiment this long before.  Whoever said that you can get "firm, toned abs in just 6 weeks!" is a load of crap. Every other day, I do my exercises and eat as healthy as I can. It may not be much to anyone else, but for me it's something I've striven for a long time. I've always wanted a toned stomach. I've always had my baby pooch and no matter what I did, it never quite left me. It's just a part of me.
    But, within the last week or so, I'm seeing it shrink. It's not entirely gone, but it feels good to know that I'm doing the right thing and I can't thank one of my oldest friends Danielle for guiding me through enough. She's a personal trainer and just because she's a sweetheart, she's given me tips on exercises and approaches to getting the body you want.
Japan has also helped with my sweet tooth. I thought this country was filled with nothing but sweets and processed food. (At least if you don't intend to cook at home) Everywhere you turn is some sort of sweet bread or some sort of junk food. But, when I came home over Christmas, I took one bite of my grandma's beloved chocolate peanut butter balls and I nearly had to spit it out because all I could taste was powdered sugar. What normally is a tradition I look forward to on the holidays made me sick to my stomach.
Well, I dunno if these pics show any difference since I first posted my progress a month or more ago, but I can feel it. I guess that's all that matters.

Why am I apologizing?

    A lot of people that know me know that I grew up in a household filled with music. Mostly metal. Mostly 1980's heavy metal. I grew up knowing three David's. David Lee Roth, David Coverdale (yes, from Whitesnake), and David Bowie. From Dokken to Missing Persons to The Beatles and back again, I was constantly either watching MTV or hearing my dad play his records. The TV unfortunately became my babysitter and rock in general became a part of me from a young age.

    Now that I'm 27 and getting older, I'm finding myself almost apologizing for the music I like. Why? I shouldn't have to apologize for liking cheesy metal. It's not like it's the only thing I listen to. I listen to a wide range of music. Thank god for my grandpa who introduced me to true old country. I found my own niche in what I like by exploring things my mom hated just because she hated it (For example The Cure).
    My family can't stand hip hop or rap. But, I have a respect for early hip hop and rap when it was more about a social message than shooting up bitches and how much bling you have. I have some favorite hip hop artists I enjoy listening to quite a bit despite the dirty looks my mom gets on her face when she hears it. But, c'mon. Nowadays, she's listening to operatic power metal. That's definitely not my thing.
    I also found my own weird ensemble of almost bohemian-like women that I love. Bat for Lashes, Goldfrapp, Joanna Newsom, and Oh Land are just to name a few.

Muse was my favorite contemporary rock band for the last 8 or so years until recently when it seemed that fame and making crap was more important than their integrity. I'll always give them a chance after the last disaster of an album, but I dunno if they will ever get back to the time when they were producing music like on Origin of Symmetry or Absolution.

    David Bowie has consistently stayed with me. No, it wasn't Labyrinth that did it. Though, it's not like it didn't help. No, it was Ziggy Stardust. The Thin White Duke. Aladdin Sane. From the age of 5, I was obsessed with this man who dressed in the most fantastic of ways. He was fearless. He was avant-garde. He was magical. 

   
    The whole reason this post got started was because I was finding myself editing the music I like around certain people. I shouldn't have to do that. Also, if I'm to have any luck finding a new relationship one day, this person will have to accept or just at least laugh with me about the music I listen to. If they don't, then they must not be for me. Everyone has their tastes and everyone has their bands that they despise. But, c'mon. Don't knock anyone down for what they like. Even if the do like shit like Creed.

Taking a moment here to totally be a hypocrite. Creed fucking sucks. You cannot argue against it.

    Anyways, I'm not going to edit my taste in music anymore around people. If I want to throw on Motley Crue at karaoke, I'm gonna do it. Skid Row? I'll be screaming Youth Gone Wild into that microphone. But,  I can turn it around and sing Magic by Olivia Newton-John. Here you go. The perfect ending for a blog entry that's just me bitching at nothing.

   
    

  

A video of the snow coming down

This might be removed soon since I used Arcade Fire's No Cars Go song in the video. It was quickly and badly put together. But, it's simply here for documentation purposes for my friends and family who actually care.

Snow!

I had a good time last night going out. We met up with a few others from our job through the night, but we ended up at Kama Sutra (the karaoke bar) and finally left there at 5am so I could get the first train home. I accidentally fell asleep on the train and missed my stop and woke up literally when the doors were shutting at my station. I felt like a dope. So, I finally rounded my way back and as I was walking home, it was snowing. It's still flurrying outside, but it's not sticking as much as it was this morning.

Sorry for the clanking. That's my little charm attached to my phone that kept banging against the back of my iphone. I was really like a little kid. I started running and sliding my feet in the untouched powdery stuff. It was funny because I rounded a corner and a Japanese guy was doing the exact same thing. We both laughed when we saw each other and both gave a pretty friendly "Ohayou Gozaimasu!" when we passed one other. I love moments like that.

It's bad quality probably because I was so cold walking home, but here's me and the snow behind me.

Yeah, the quality of these images aren't too good. But, I was rushing home because my feet felt frozen and my nose was completely numb. But, it was a beautiful sight with it all almost untouched because it was so early in the morning.

And here's a few images from the night that I really loved:

We have new giant ads for our school. I had to of course make myself look the part of our employees.

 Brendan and Asha:

 Britta in the midst of a conversation:

Me looking less than enthused. I think I was just listening to the conversation going on.

 I love this gal:

 Two amazing people. Molly and Tommy. They've been christened Tamale. "Tomolly"

 Molly and I and a nice photobomb by Tommy:

 I think this is my favorite pic of me and Tommy trying to get a picture together. The timing couldn't have been better.

 Molly and Britta:

 We finally succeeded in getting both our faces in a shot:

After Tommy and Molly left, Britta and I just stuck around Kama until the trains started running again. It was surprisingly packed all night long in the bar. There were so many Brits and Irish in the bar last night. So, Britta and I were pretty content with most of the song choices. The last one we sang was Welcome to the Jungle and my voice sounds pretty horrible. I sound like I've been smoking my entire life yet once again. I don't understand why my voice can't handle singing for very long. It makes me sad considering how much I love doing karaoke.

But, since I ended up staying out all night,  I ended up sleeping really late today. I've got to get up early for a 10-4 shift tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get some rest and not mess myself up too bad with the all-nighter. Or as my Iphone wanted to do with predictive text: All-nigger.
Mmmmkay, Apple. I think someone over there is letting this phone produce words that shouldn't even be assumed to be written. I can't type hell without getting "he'll." Yet, I type nighter and I get nigger. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I'm going back to my trash TV watching now. I'm starting a new series called The Cape. I'll give it a couple of episodes, but I have strong doubts about this one. C'mon HBO. I'm ready for Game of Thrones NOW.

New self portrait series

Well, stuck in a room in the middle of winter with no one but myself and a camera brings on a need to release some sort of artistic endeavor. I felt like getting a new self portrait series done with my new 'do and being put in a  new situation in life. Let's see what I look like this time next year. The first photo is my favorite. It just reminds me of the 1960's mod era. That's what the entire aesthetic was attempting to be anyways, but some pulled it off more than others. But, these were my favorites out of the images taken.

I wish I could look like this first picture every day:

One of my proudest moments

It was all by fortunate luck, but god, it was awesome.


Don't talk/ Don't text


I was seriously giddy from being literally 4 feet away from Sam Rockwell. Too bad I was behind the camera and not giving him my number. HA! In my dreams.
I need to start updating my resume and getting all my videography work in there and the IMDB credit I have from Stephen's short film. I was behind the scenes trying to more or less help him cope with all the craziness getting that thing ready. His stress was going above and beyond though and I started to stress out as well. I was at rehearsals and the casting calls. I helped with wardrobe. I did enough to give me some credit. It may not be "1st camera" or "producer", but it's something.

School starts August 24th. I'll be taking a full load of upper level courses to get that GPA up. Also, I've ordered the 2011 GRE study book and I'll be cracking on that until April or May when the 2012 version comes out.

I've been talking to my friend Nathan in Austin and while I'm over here and he's in Austin, we are thinking of collaborating on a photo blog together. We will have to set some rules/guidelines for the photos and we will have a photo exchange. I'm excited about this because it pushes me to go out and do what I love to do. I didn't take many photos while I was in Austin. It seems all ambition left me when I got there because I was dealing with a lot of emotional crap. It's not like I'm not now because it doesn't just turn off, but focusing on something like this will help.
Britta and I are also going to go out and find places to just chill and draw. We want to find places where we can just sit and take in the surroundings and just sketch.

Back in the swing of things

I'm already one day in and I feel like I haven't really left. I had my first day back to work today and it went really smoothly and not much is to be said about it.

I am staying the extra three months. It was finally agreed upon with my Personnel coordinator and though she reluctantly agreed, I'll be here until the end of June. I'm not quite sure how it works, but my job gives me 15 vacation days throughout the year. 5 being flexible, the others being fixed. Apparently the whole reason it was frowned upon me doing a 3 month contract was because of this. I have to use all 15 days by June 30th. So, it's like the company is paying me for 3 months of  2.5 months of actual work. I see where they are coming from now. The other thing is that golden week is in May. We get those days off as well and they aren't counted towards the vacation days. So, that adds another at least 5 days of paid days off. So, that's 20 days I get paid for that I'm not working.
I was a bit taken back by it obviously. But, I need to be here those three extra months. I can't come back in April and be financially secure enough to finance a car and look for an apartment. I'm hoping with all my heart that my friend Dan will help me out with the apartment business. He's a realtor now and so if he isn't full on tenants, I'm hoping he will be my landlord. I know he accepts dogs since he owns a Welsh Corgie himself.

I just ordered my GRE study books, but they won't be delivered until April or May! Since they are the 2012 study guides, they haven't been released because the GRE is being rewritten and the books will reflect that. So, in the meantime, I'm checking to see if I should just go ahead and order a 2011 study guide to get me into the flow of it and then when I receive the other books, I can just move on from there.

Well, that being all settled, I'm needing my nerves to stop going crazy. I still feel like I've had 10 cups of coffee when I shouldn't have any reason to feel so on edge. I think it's still residual feelings from my visit home. It's not that I regret coming home because I did get to see and hang out with people I've missed. I didn't get to hang out with a few that I personally regret and wish I would have stopped sulking and made time for them. But, I'm going through what people call what is closest to a death. It is in a way a death. My friend Avery said it well. When two people who've been together so long, they start to share a mind and become so accustomed to one another that being together is like breathing. It just happens without thinking. When that breaks apart, your mind goes into shock and in my case, I start to go into a really deep depression and start to act in irrational ways. It's like my mind can't handle the burden of the mourning and the eventual future of him with someone else.
The visit home was a challenge.

But, I'm back in Japan now and will be until the end of June. If those applied ALP's must be used by the end of June, that probably means that I can find a flight home by June 21st if I wanted. I'm assuming? We'll see. It's a ways off and now I just need to focus on getting my mind in the right place. If I plan to pursue a new relationship down the line, I need to be healthy mind and soul. The last thing I need is to start a new relationship still having the burden of the old one on me. That'll bring 'em in. ha.
Maybe when I'm not looking, something will fall into my lap. You never know. But, I always finding myself crushing on the unattainable guys. The ones who don't give me a second look or they have some model-like girlfriend. Also, getting nearer to my 30's than I want to be, most of these guys are taken anyways. I wish I could be a guy and date a girl 10 years younger without so much as a second thought. It''s not possible for me to do that. Well, obviously not now since I'm 27 and that'd make them 17. UH, gross.

Dating is weird anyways. God, I haven't been on a date in years. I'd think I'd act like a fool. I guess when I decide to enter that world again, things hopefully will be less awkward with age. Probably not.
It just makes me laugh thinking about it.

Oh life, you really throw some punches sometimes. Sometimes a K.O. But, you still gotta get up, brush yourself off, and keep on going.
 

Oh and...

Nobody really cares, but I have bangs now. Or as the Brits say, I have fringe. I haven't had a change in hairstyle in at least 6 or 7 years now? The last time I did something that changed my look completely was when I chopped off my long hair. For some reason I was watching David Bowie music videos from when he was young and I just thought, fuck it. I want a change. He always experimented with his hair. It's no shaving of the head or anything, but I wanted to try something different. I'm not used to it quite yet, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I was worried it would destroy my features, but it seems to just kinda be. I'll decide as they grow out whether I feel more comfortable with them or not. I just needed a change.

Back to Japan in exactly 12 hours

I'll be leaving on a jet plane to go back to Japan in exactly 12 hours. Surprisingly, I'm finding myself ready to get back. I think living on my own, being away from the drama that has been non-stop here, and having choices there that I don't have here are making me realize I may like being in Japan more than I thought.
Being single going back over will present me with a lot of new opportunities. Not constantly worrying about getting to my Skype for phone calls, not constantly worrying about a significant other over seas, not feeling guilty for spending all night out with my friends are just a few I can name.
Yeah, the country comes with it's challenges and frustrations, but I think another 6 months (if approved) is going to be just fine. I'm ready to get back to the mountains and see the snow. I can't wait to see my friends Sciby and Britta. I'm looking forward to an 80's night with Tim. Sciby and Britta both leave in March, but I'll have 3 months then to just go ahead and focus on studying on my GRE until I leave on July 1st (again, if approved).
Hopefully my friend Yoshi I met through my old coworker will be able to come back to his hometown and show me around to all the good bars. Apparently, I've already been to the one that he frequented. If he came to Kyoto just for a bit, I know I'd have a blast hanging with him and his friends.
I'm getting used to going out by myself. I have to honestly. It's nerve wracking especially when you are a shy girl, but I have to push myself out of my comfort zone now.
When I come back to Austin in the summer, I'm hoping to find my own place, find a job to sustain me through school, find a decent used car, and focus on my studies. Since my friend Dan is a realtor, I think he might be able to help me around the 78704/05 area. We'll see how things go. I'm thinking too far ahead in the future. I need to just go ahead and think of my immediate right now.

Right now what's bothering me is leaving Kaya again for another six months. If they decline my request for 3 more months after I explained my situation, then I guess she won't have to wait that long and I'll be back in three months. Either way, I just hope that she is taken good care of. I can trust my grandparents to do that and I can trust when they ask the ex to watch her that he will. But, it's the times in between I'm worried about.

But we survived the first six. I think she'll be ok the next. *knock on wood*

The next six months I am going to do my best to have the out of sight, out of mind method implemented to try and get over this break up. Seeing him these last 2 or so weeks has done worse for my psyche than I thought. Every time I see him, it's a drop in the stomach. The feelings I get when I see him are probably the equivalent of what it feels like to have a panic attack. A panic attack plus the feeling of depression and despair. I'm more than happy to get away and also get away from the fake niceties of "take care" and all that bullshit.

I hope to come home in six months to a different me. Someone happier and feeling more free. Hopefully I won't feel like my life is in tatters as I feel now. Hopefully I will be a bit more mended and can start moving onto my goals that I previously mentioned.

Please 2011. Bring me good things. 2010, you really hurt me and really let me down.

Ladie's night

About to commence. Please bring on the fun. I don't want tonight to bomb.

Moving on, moving on

So, I got a promising email from the graduate advisor at the UT school of information science. I explained my situation with my GPA and my plans to take courses to up that and also study my ass off for the GRE. She suggested doing those things, but focusing very intensely on a Statement of Purpose and getting letters of recommendation from Professors. I know one particular professor that taught film history and she was a sweetheart. Knowing she's faculty in this particular school gives me a tiny spark of hope.
I'm looking at a gamble here. I'm going to be taking courses to up my GPA while also studying to do well on the GRE. Then I have to really work on this statement of purpose and get it so that it captures the Graduate committee and I need to butter up and get to know a lot of the professors within the school. I have to do all this and then cross my fingers that I get accepted. If I don't, then I will have at least increased my GPA and have taken the GRE so that I can possibly apply elsewhere. I don't want to do that because Texas has the #1 preservation program. But, it's what life will hand me.

I'm happy to have something to work towards. I was feeling very empty and very scared about my future because I knew that I would leave Japan on April 1st/July 1st (decision yet to be made) and have no clue of what to do with myself. I love film. With this program, I could preserve film! I've always been fascinated by old artifacts and buildings. I love history. Thinking of working in a museum or being the one to restore an old book really gets my brain cogs moving. I've got a collection of old german books from my family farm that I want to preserve. There are so many directions I could go with it or so many other directions I could go with obtaining special certifications in other areas of preservation or the general information science route.

BUT. The big BUT. I have to work really hard. I have to push and push and push. I'm going to be engulfed in this endeavor. Of course I will be upset if I get denied, but then I should go ahead and just apply to other schools or other grad programs. We'll see. All I know is that for now, I plan to start studying for the GRE and getting ready to set up my class schedule for the fall semester. The first step was getting back into UT. That I did. Next, time to up that GPA and kill on the GRE. One step at a time.
I'm hoping this focus will also help me think less about the break up and more about my future. I already feel better knowing I've got something to work towards. I think that's the most important thing.

where has it gone?

Where the hell has all my inspiration gone? Or ability to finish a project when I start it. I want to start creating art again because I feel I've been neglecting it for quite some time. My grandma's portrait is still waiting to be finished and my River Phoenix portrait has yet to be done. It's been what? 2 years since I started that thing?
I can knock portraits out fairly quickly when I'm focused, so I really need to start just pushing myself. I need to finish that portrait of my G-ma and then maybe start moving on to using some subtle color with other portraits and then start going into more abstract or detailed color portraits. I want my imagination to start running rampant. I need inspiration and distraction. Maybe I need to surround myself with other artists...digital or physical.
I'm feeling empty by being so dormant in making art. It used to be a passion, but now it's gone by the wayside.

If anything, I might just take some art classes at UT in the fall just because I need it. I need some fuel to get this fire burning again. Yeah, it costs money. But, the pay off to me is worth it. Since Grad school has come to a grinding halt because the grad school counselor basically said my GPA would be scoffed at, it doesn't look very good in my prospects of going back to school in the preservation dept. of the information of science school. Oh well. I was the one who screwed myself over there. That's what I get for not giving a shit the last 2 years of college. Better know now than to waste money attempting for the program and not getting in. That would waste a lot of time and a lot of money.

Time to get back to what I know best. Pencil and paper. Charcoal and acrylics. Prisma colors and digital manipulation. Maybe I should do a 365 of art. It could be just scribbles or simple sketches and projects that would take a couple of days, but every day I should try and churn out something. I think I might try doing that. I'll probably slack off as per usual, but at least I'd be trying.

I was 11.

When I first heard this song I immediately became enamored with Bjork. My memory is watching this on MTV and somehow my father knew her from The Sugarcubes.  As soon as he saw the video with me sitting there just tunnel focused on the aesthetics of the video, he had his mind only on grabbing his hands on that Bjork album.

I always talk about my dad being a music enthusiast and I really do mean it. He has or had over 15,000? albums. I remember he counted one day and it was quite a massive collection. It was such a large amount that it took up an entire closet from top to bottom in our home. I was introduced to so many bands by him. He wasn't the greatest man, but he did leave me with a wide variety of music tastes. From the Misfits to Shocking Blue, he had everything in between. I'll never forget him BLASTING his music out of the house with the windows open. I remember a particular night when I was about 14 and he had decided to play Type O Negative's Black No. 1 and Christian Woman. My neighbors were less than amused and called the cops with a noise complaint. I'm surprised it's the only one I can recall.
The thing is that he did it ever since I can remember. Since I was a child, I will always have the memory of my house being so loud with music that sometimes to go get something to eat in the kitchen required me to plug my ears with my fingers.
His prize possession is his mint condition the Beatles "baby doll parts" album. It's worth quite a bit today because of it's rarity. I remember him handling it with the utmost care and using gloves to pull it out and show me. I still feel nostalgic when I enter a record store because I expect to see my dad there thumbing through every single row with a careful eye.

Nelson, Nelson, and Nelson.

What a seriously beautiful man. This song couldn't be more made for me right now than in any other time in my life.
 
And then he created these two. Ah, the irony.

God bless you Mike Judge.

Lest we not forget this Nelson.