Love (and the lack of?) in 2013

2013 has been one of the most confusing and mind altering years I have ever had. I rung in the New Year in one of the most quiet ways possible. I watched a film with my ex on the couch and sipped on some really bad Japanese champagne.
One month later, I found myself back in Texas. All of February was a weird blur. I don't really remember much of it except that after the 23rd (Les' birthday) I got an email complaining that I hadn't said anything to him for his birthday. I was confused as to seeing how we both agreed that neither of us wanted to be in each others lives. But, I kept getting the emails and my previous post in June was when I finally told him to just leave me alone. As the months have passed since I have finally gotten away from him, I can see how poisonous he was.


I dated a bartender from a bar that I went to quite often. It lasted about 3 months, but was a strange cathartic time. Even though he ended up being a guy who so often said "If I'm dating you, I'm not dating anyone else" and was sleeping with other women at the same time, I ended up not caring in the end and just let it go. I never put anything into it really. I think it was more of a distraction than actually caring.

Then I somehow ended up in a really awkward dance with a friend of my brother. He was cute. He was sweet...I now never know to ever date anyone younger than me. 5 years makes all the difference in my world. I've always dated older and I think it's because I'm attracted to someone who has more experience or just can generally gab with me about things that were around about the same time. This kid had a lot of issues. He told me some really weird and strange stories about his life that read out of about 5 movies mashed into one. He even claimed he had killed a girl in some sort of a fight bet on by mobs that his father ran for the FBI. NO JOKE. I was supposed to believe this? Who actually believes being told this crap?!

I called him on it. I don't think anyone has ever really called him out. He didn't know what to do or say except apologize. Just listening to the ridiculous and silly stories coming out of his mouth made me realize he just wanted a lot of attention. Too much attention.

All in all, these were the two more substantial experiences I had in the midst of some crazy experiences. I can honestly say with a passion how much I hate to date. It's incredibly depressing and makes you realize what you are willing to put up with. This was my experience:
- I was asked by an idiot to be his "mistress" after 3 dates to finally disclose he had an open relationship with his girlfriend in California. No effing way.
- I went on a date with a dude from Oklahoma that decided peeing and videotaping himself at the same time was a good idea. Hence his nickname, drunk piss boy.
- I went on a couple dates with a guy who ended up being extremely sweet, but extremely into the ideas of cosmic and spiritual alignment a little too seriously.
-I met a few guys who came up to the Broken Spoke to meet me and never ended up actually going on dates with them. You usually can feel when something is just not clicking.

It was a hectic 9 months. Nine whole months of hell. By the beginning of October, I just had enough. I was a third wheel on a date with my friend who met this complete weirdo. Seeing it from the outside and being around the situation drove it home how much I hated the dating scene. I still had a okcupid profile and not a couple days after having the realization I just didn't care about the dating scene, I went to go remove myself.

Boy, I'm glad I did. I had one message in the midst of all my "So, what's up? I dunno what your tattoo is but "yer hooot." Here's a picture of my penis." (Yes, many okcupid messages would be just random dude's dicks)
I got asked a very short and succinct question about my tattoo. He asked simply how my day was. Nothing mind blowing...but, that in itself was nice.

I went on a date with this guy after going back and forth in text and email for a bit and felt that he definitely was someone I would be willing to meet. That in itself was a lot more than I had been willing to do for anyone else. I threw out all my scariest traits in the beginning because I just don't have the patience or time to apologize for being a pretty goofy nerd. But, he still seemed interested in meeting me. So, I did it. I went up to his work and met him for the first time.

I am pretty new into this relationship. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I don't think there has been a 24 hour span where we haven't seen each other. I am scared to say much more because after everything that has happened in my life in the last 4 years, love has not been kind. I can say without a doubt that I've definitely fallen head over heels in love for someone in a very short amount of time.

The last time I can ever remember falling this hardly for someone was Ben. He and I had a special bond that even though we didn't make it as a couple, he remained my friend and art buddy. I think it takes just the right combination of people to make such a connection. I finally let down my walls after a lot of convincing from my friend Cait and my mom to do so. I am so guarded. I still feel it. I know that I still have a pretty giant wall up even now. I let all the other one's down just to get this far.

People may see it as pessimism. I see it as self preservation. I opened up myself to Les and put so much faith into one person to be the one that I thought I'd marry and make a life with. When the double life and the cheating with a man happened, it destroyed me. It took so much from me that I was left an empty shell. You can't exactly get rid of all the baggage that comes with such betrayal.

The way I see it, I am going into this relationship with everything put behind me as experience. I don't want to see what goes on with his online presence. I don't want to know or ever use any of his electronics unless navigated by him. I don't ever want to be in a position like that ever again. Ignorance IS bliss sometimes. If I am burned in the end and dumped, I want to be able to walk away saying the worst thing about him was being dumped!

Britta asked me not long after Stephen and I broke up what had ended Ben and I? When I actually sat down and thought about it, I couldn't believe that he and I actually broke up over how often he smoked weed. I was seventeen though. I was young and apparently thought people would break up over the most ridiculous things. I guess in my mind at the time, the amount of pot he smoked warranted us not dating. WOW...mind explosion.

2013. How will you end in regards to love? Am I going to write a blog screaming devotion to a man I met 3 months before or am I going to be ranting about my future as a single dog lady? If I only had a crystal ball...

more than a year??

I can't believe it's been more than a year since I've written on my blog. It felt alien to revisit it a few days ago. I'm back in Texas again. Looking for work. I finally was able to cut the last thread holding Les in my life. I did it today actually. I have been saying for a while now how much I cannot forgive him, but it never seemed to stick. It seemed like he wanted to ignore it. But, finally it seemed to break through and it felt good to just wipe it off.
He's a disease. A sickness that is camouflaged as a cure. He told me to learn how to take my own advice in some sort of backhanded insult. What he was referring to? I have no idea. The big thing is that I felt in my heart "yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep bringing on the passive aggressive insults and get them over with. I got shit to do."
Goodbye Leslie Praisley. May you never lie to another woman again about being a bisexual male that cheated on your girlfriend with a stranger off of craigslist. The situations you put me in were worse than if it were written for the screen. Goodbye.

Dear 18 year old me...

Dear 18 year old me,

Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas?  Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything  else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.

So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?

Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.

365 part deux

I am going to do a second 365.
52 weeks. Each week a theme.
A picture every day for that theme. 7 photos.
My week will start on a Sunday and end on the Saturday.
I'm anticipating the fun and of course the annoyances that come with this, but oh how I love art projects.

twists and turns and hope

Ha.
I feel like I should be just laughing. But the thing is, I am.
I needed to come home for my health. Particularly my mental and physical health. So far, it's been a exponentially good experience but also a huge wake up call.
My battle with depression is no secret. My battle to fight it is. I'm now seeing a therapist regularly and also taking an antidepressant.  I'm feeling better than I have in months. I think the catalyst for me after reading a few professional books (Learned Optimism-strongly suggest for those like me) for recognition and skills to stop the pessimistic view of everything and try to turn that around, was just the move to Japan last year. It was a huge step. A huge change. On top of that, a new job, a new country and customs, and then a new fresh break up. It was all so damaging to my psyche. Even though one in particular was just down right negative, major life changes all can do such terrible damage if you are a person who has a tendency for negative thought. Um, yeah, that's me.

So, now I'm doing my best to get my mind healthy and back on track. Not only does pessimism affect your day to day life, it affects your immune system. I got sick in Japan. Often. As my depression made me deteriorate more and more each day, my health got worse. Seeing a correlation between the two is obvious. But, backed up by scientific study as well. Coming home for this amount of time has been a good thing because I needed help. Badly.

Which brings me to the fun part. I'm going back to Japan at the end of March. I will begin fresh with a known expectations of Japan, a place I'm familiar going back to, and back into the arms of someone I love dearly. It will not be all roses and sunshine, but I know I'm going back with a fresh head on my shoulders. A different outlook. I feel better and I want my time in Japan to be something I don't look back on in distaste. It's funny how I keep returning to Japan. It's like we have a love affair that is a hate/love relationship. My goal is to keep this as a love relationship and not take it for granted again.

So, wow. Yeah. Back to Japan! I plan on possibly doing new 365 project. Only this one is not of myself for the whole year. This will be of life interests. Even the simplest of interests. If I decide to take a photo of the high school baseball team across the way from my apartment, I'll do it. Of course the goal is to use the camera and become extremely familiar with it. April 1st will begin my 365. They'll probably be a lot of odd shots. Some from a phone, some from a point and shoot, most from my DSLR. I'm excited. I almost want to begin it now. If anything, I might actually do it. Instead, I'll start it on the 1st of March? Let's see what happens. :)

Here is a photo of my most recent finished piece of art:

It's a mixed media piece on canvas. It's acrylic paint and pastel. I sealed the pastel with acrylic and it darkened the pastel. So, I plan to go back over it again with another coat of pastel and again seal it.
It's the first completed piece I've done in quite some time. I'm currently working on a portrait for my grandfather's friends. I should be drawing right now actually, but I'm so very tired. My sleep is been so crazy. I don't have any sort of schedule at all. I do know that I'm up until ungodly hours of the night.
Ha.

But, hey. The main thing here in my life at this moment is the fact that for the 4th time in my life, I'm going over to Japan to live yet again. I take that back, 3rd time to live, 4th time to be in the country. I just can't quit you Japan. What kind of romance did I get involved with!
I know that there is a Canadian there though that I am excited to see. Life sure does go through loops and twists and turns you never expect. I NEVER thought I'd enter Japan again. But, now I'm going back to live there for at least another year. I'm just, well, amazed. But, I should never assume anything is for sure anymore. I could end up leaving in the winter due to some outside event. The fact still remains though and that is my intentions.
I'm excited. It's like a new chapter. Time to close this one. Time to reset. Unwind. Mentally prepare and be of good spirits...to stay that way.

Just wow. Life is extremely strange. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Where will I be this time next year? I knew this time last year I was convinced I was going home at the end of March. I had just started seeing Les. Britta and Sciby were accessible friends. I was happy for a bit.
Time to make that happiness stay.

A long ride since Taiwan

In short, I stopped blogging because so much had begun to happen around the time of before and after Taiwan. During this time, I was dealing with a health issue the doctors in Japan could not figure out. I decided to go on a diet that I found online by listing my symptoms. It came up consistently as interstitial cystitis. While on the diet, I slowly got better on my own without the help of Japanese doctors.
I was basically forced to move in with my boyfriend Les, who's roommate decided to get up and leave the apartment with less than 48 hours notice. It was a brisk and tough decision, but it was made. I moved in with Les in September and honestly, it just went south from there. Not necessarily us, but me. My moods went south not only because of my continual struggle with my health, but my mental health was faltering. It became so bad, that by November, I was grasping at reasons why I was still in Japan and how much of being there I could take anymore. A lot of other personal issues were involved, but the most important reasons I left Japan on December 8, 2011 was for my mental health.

As for Les and I? Well, he is still in my life. I still love him with all my heart. He has issues he has to deal with as well. I am back at home, slowly trying to readjust and get better. It's been a painstaking process so far. I miss Les like crazy. He not only showed me what a good and compassionate human being can be like, but how opposites can attract. He is someone I would probably never give a second glance to here in Austin. We would have probably never crossed the same paths ever. But, by going to Japan and opening myself up to so many different walks of life, I met him and fell in love. At this point in time we are not putting ourselves in a relationship. Though, we are there for each other. I speak to him nearly every day in some fashion. I'm here for him as he goes through what he needs to go through while I also focus on getting my depression under control.
I've been to two therapy sessions since being home and the third will decide whether I stay with this therapist or not. Our last session was really less than satisfactory.

So, yes. Between Taiwan in August and now (January 10, 2010) I have moved from one apartment into my boyfriend's, went through a lot of crap with my job, had a serious breakdown caused by outside influences, and then I was put on a plane and sent home for my own sanity. Though I feel it may have been a rash decision, I feel now and see that this path was going to happen. I didn't think it would, but I guess I knew deep down I wouldn't have lasted in Japan until August. I just missed too much here at home and needed to heal as well on a whole other level for specific things in my life.

I'm currently on the job hunt and have been since I got home. So far, I'm a UTemp which hasn't given me work yet. I also apply to at least 2-6 jobs a day online. I had an interview with a used clothing store, but didn't make the cut. (I think I had to be a level of hipster that wasn't what they were looking for) So, I made my portfolio website:
www.danicasteinhauser.com

And I continue to go day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I am waiting to hear if I got into a school in Canada that is a Grad certification program for Special FX makeup and prosthetics. It's something I want so badly that it almost hurts to think too much about it. If I get denied, I know the blow it will give me. But, no matter what, the one thing I keep hoping and looking forward to is that hopefully Les and I will continue to talk and love each other. If that continues and we both feel the same way we do as of today, then he will fly to Austin and we will drive to Canada together and while he goes to school, I will do my best in finding another program or work that will sponsor me. My goal is to be with Les in Canada by the end of August. But, you know how things go in life. It's never a one way road. It takes twists and turns and you end up in a totally different direction than you originally planned. So, what I just wrote is all my hopes. I can't say plans, but my hopes.

You take for granted a lot of things in life. One is friends. Don't ever take for granted friends that you have. Respect them, keep up with them, be honest with them, and love them. Keep them close. They are what make you sane. Insanity comes easily from loneliness. I've come to see that friendship is something that cannot have a value put on it. One single true friend is worth more than anything in the world. If I was offered to be rich and friendless or rich in friends but poor in cash, gimme the friends.

I'll try and keep up with my blog again. It was doing me good for a while, especially getting over my ex. Which I can finally say in full confidence that I am over. I found love that I don't think I'll ever find the equivalent of again. It's why I want to hold onto it so dearly. Patience. It's not a virtue I have. But, it's what I have to do in order to hopefully see Les again.

Let's see how things roll now? I'm back home and still mending. It's been a month now. But, even after a month I still feel like an alien in my own hometown. Strange how things like that work.

Taiwan in photos...but oh-so many more to come

Day 4: Taipei 101 and the restaurant called The Modern Toilet

Day 5: Danshui Longshan temple, Snake alley, and another amazing temple

Day 6: Taipei Botanical Gardens and Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall

Taiwan

This is a very short entry because I have to work tomorrow bright and early. Or at least the early part.
Taiwan in short was amazing. Hualien was my favorite because of the mountains and the ocean scenery. Both were so stunning I felt like I was in a dream world. Taipei was really cool, but very much a city that offers only really what a city can usually do with it's regular sightseeing places.
But this is day 3 there. We came in on the 7th at night and visited the night market and then on the 8th we just decided to take the day to rest and relax.
Day 3 though began our true sightseeing and sweating our asses off. I thought Japan was hot. I could never ever live in the heat and humidity Taiwan had to offer. We were pounding water just to replace all that was lost during the day.
It's not much, but here is our "first" day off sightseeing in the city. We made our way to the National Palace Museum which is quite amazing.

The National Palace Museum home page


Day 3: National Palace Museum - My flickr account with all the photos.

Long needed blog obviously that had not come soon

Long needed blog: coming soon

This is Chack. I know his real name, but he's my boss at one of my favorite schools.

This is Alice and Tina. Real names also known, but I won't give 'em because I dunno if it matters or not. Anywho, they are also bosses at one of my favorite schools.

These are just 3 people who I look forward to seeing weekly. They give me the push I need to get back on track and get out of my slump. The tall drink of water that has stolen Tina's hat (I stole Alice's) is also one of the things pulling me out of my slump.

Many photos of general life and general what's up in the near future. Now = bed.
Now I leave this entry with what you generally find behind the counter at a Japanese Starbucks serving your coffee:

Would you like a bun with my bun?
Aaaaaand..... Adieu.

Things are getting better?

Things are getting better. Day by day. Now that my kids classes are kind of becoming more routine, I find myself getting more and more comfortable with the classes and also less stressed like I was before. Though, one thing that is for sure is that I DO have nightmare classes and those are being dealt with or will be dealt with these coming weeks.
I get quite frustrated by some of the mothers here. I have a class of 7 rambunctious boys and one of their mothers complained I was too strict. The thing is, if I wasn't, these kids would go ape shit and basically I'm up shit creek for the rest of the year. It's also odd to her to have a female teacher for 7 boys and she's worried I'll teach them "Female English" and make them speak like a girl. The lady is a ridiculous cunt.

On the better side of things, I bought an oven. It's small, bakes enough for at least two people but it's so fantastic to have. I've now made crumble, a failed cobbler,  and mushroom chicken. I'm so excited to be able to BAKE!

I also am almost one year here in this country. It's had MAJOR ups and MAJOR downs, but I'm kinda finally getting into the swing of things a bit. It took a year, but I think I've become more domesticated and having my own apartment and deciding what to spend money on and basically finally becoming a financially independent adult has made me feel good. I like looking around my apartment and knowing that all this is mine. It makes me feel good.

I'm really looking forward to August when Les and I go travel Taiwan. We'll be only staying in the Northern and Central parts of Taiwan, but that's due to time and also we want to have a relaxing vacation. We don't want to feel rushed. Since I've decided to stay because quite a few things happened to influence me to stay, I plan to see as many countries as I can fit in. Between August and December, I am going to take some days off and go to Korea. Then in the winter vacation, I might go to Vietnam and Cambodia. I'm not sure yet, but I know I will be traveling to the SE Asian area. We'll see. It's very far off and I should focus on Taiwan first.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm feeling much better and much more lighthearted than before. It's a good feeling. I hope it continues this way or hopefully gets even better. I still have my moments. I had some terrible dreams last night about my ex and kinda woke up feeling empty and emotional. I actually started crying, but Les just grabbed me in his arms and held me tight and told me to let it out. He's so wonderful in that way. He doesn't judge me for still being upset with things. He's helping me mend and also being such a help in so many regards.

About 2 weeks ago, he said I love you. To me it was quite a shock because he was very open about it taking him a lot of time to fall in love. To love someone,  it takes trust and so many other things that had been missing for so long in my life. I think I realized I loved him a few weeks before him when one day I was just looking at him while he was talking to me and it just kinda kicked me in the ass. I was staring at him and an overwhelming feeling of warmth and just wanted to hug him made me realize I think I was falling in love. It's been over 10 years since that happened. This time, untainted.
He does things that are goofy and he's always trying to make me laugh no matter how I feel. He's a positive being. He's always looking for things to do for me, no matter how big or small, just to brighten my day.
So, it's this strange feeling now. It's been so long since I felt so overcome with a surge of emotion that doesn't ebb, but stays there. When I see him, my heart lifts.
Some people would tell me that I got into this too early. They may be right in ways, but the emotions that have developed would say otherwise. Who knew? I still thinks it's funny to sit and think about how he was in my training group. After training, we never really saw each other. It was random times here and there, but never regular.
I never saw myself finding a relationship here.
Life really throws the crazy balls sometimes.

If I only knew French

I'm in love. Have been for quite some time with Julien Dore.
Meh, it's just a language barrier. Body language works just as well...
Here's a playlist for his most recent album. Personally, Kiss me Forever is my favorite. Le'te Summer is following close behind, but I've yet to listen to the entire album yet.

Reboot

So, my last post was dark and dreary.
I've realized now most of my posts of late have been nothing but dark and dreary. Well, I've decided to do my best and reboot myself and my outlook on the coming months.
I came to Japan with one thing in mind. To enjoy staying in Japan and also use the opportunity to travel to other countries close by. Now that I am starting to slowly drag myself out of the hole I was in, I came to realize that home is not the answer to anything I've got going on here. Sure, Japan does magnify some issues, but in general, I've been just a gloomy idiot.
So, for at least the next 11 months, I plan to work my retarded schedule and just suck it up and when it comes to holidays, use them to travel to other countries while I'm here and able.
August is my first big holiday for 2 weeks and I plan on going to Taiwan. It's not China, but it's history is pretty colorful and it's close. It'll be a good start to planning for more excursions outside of Japan. After August, sometime between September and November, I plan to take an extended weekend and go to Korea. I want to spend a few days in Seoul and just get a general feel. It may not be long, but it's one country I know I must visit before I leave.
Then during the holidays, I plan to head over to Thailand. I would like to see Thailand, Laos, Cambodia, etc... Whatever trips I may fit into the amount of time given to us.

Yep. It looks like I will be doing my best to reboot my attitude and do the things I set out to do before coming here and getting sidetracked with dealing with a very substantial bump in the road.
If I find myself feeling down and lonely, family is a phone call away. But, I am ready to stop feeling bad for myself and stop being such a debbie downer.
It's time to explore the world as much as possible while I am young(ish) and able to at this time in my life. I have no kids, no husband, nothing keeping me grounded in one place. I need to take advantage of that.

I am going to vow to myself that from now on posts on my blog will be of positive things. Things that make no sense but only to me, fun things, and adventures in and around Japan and Osaka. Time to reboot my attitude and stop brooding and being dreary over something that is gone and will never return.
Yeah, I miss my family and my pup. But, I have to put to rest my wanderlust or I'll never feel fulfilled or feel like I've missed out on completing goals I've set for myself. Les said it best recently. "You can't enjoy today if you keep thinking about tomorrow." Good words to go by. I've just got to retrain my thoughts and focus on the good things here and the good things in life. I've dwelt too much on the negative and the past and it's hindered and hindering my future. Time to let go. Time to experience good things again.

Rainy days

It's been nothing but rain on my days off the last couple of weeks. Today, a typhoon is making it's way through so it's pretty wet and somewhat breezy outside. So, I get to spend another 2 days inside when I should be going out. Cabin fever is hitting soon. The also terrible thing is that rainy season apparently has officially started. So, the next month or more will be mostly rainy days.
My school days are starting to become less stressful with the more weeks that go by and the regularity of seeing the same kids starts to become more constant. I can say I hate my last kids class of the week. They all deserve to be slapped in the head. It's 7 boys, all who are little pricks who's parents obviously don't understand the concept of discipline. I can't ever imagine being a teacher. I know me being an ESL teacher makes it a different situation, but jesus, I could never do this for the rest of my life. I get too stressed out.
Things are still day by day. I am half and half on coming home in August. That or I can choose to go to Taiwan on our "summer vacation" and see a different country for 11 days. It's pretty cheap to fly to Taiwan. I wanted to go to Australia or New Zealand, but the amount of money it costs to go there right now is way too expensive and I simply don't have the funds for it. While trying to save to go home and also see other countries is a bit of a juggle. I'm not like a bunch of other people around here that have money out there asses.
There is one girl who's spent most of her teens and youth simply traveling the US on 4 different roadtrips, just hung out in Spain for 4 months, and also random other places in Europe. Now she's in Japan. It must be nice not having to worry about where your income is coming from and where you have to send it or spend it. It's not just her, but a few other people here who clearly have no idea what it's like to actually depend on your paycheck. I don't get some of them here who somehow spend their entire paycheck a week before we get paid. What the hell are you doing?!?
Then again, I dated that for 10 years. Mommy and Daddy pay for everything. It makes you sick to your stomach to ask, so how was your Christmas? "Oh, I got this $$$$$ and $$$$ and $$$$ and etc..." I'm happy to get one present from my family. MY FAMILY. Not from mom, then dad, then sister, then aunt, etc... I get a present from the family. People who disrespect their family to the point of sucking them dry makes me sick. There is no respect at all. 
I made a mistake going home during Christmas. It took a large chunk of money I could have put in the bank and also probably would have saved me a lot of grief as well. But, the trade off of seeing family and my pup was just as good.
I have a feeling I'll be sad wherever I go. The deep seed of grief I feel now is how much I miss my dog and how much I'm missing my sister grow up. Those two things get me the most. But, I also miss my grandparents and hearing papa call me sugar britches and here him tell me to always be careful. I miss mama's quiet strength and her just listening to me and talking with me when I would be home before going to work.
And yeah, I miss the comfort of the relationship that was there and the regularity and knowing the other person so well that things kinda were just as they were. They became habit. I guess that was one of the downfalls. Now I don't know how to function in a dating relationship. I feel very alien to it.
Les and I are dating. We talked about it and that's about as far as it goes. A relationship means to be something that is a lot more. It's the commitment and the trust and the love.
I don't have those with Les. Well, I trust him. But, I mean in terms of a long term relationship, that trust should be deeply embedded and stronger than any other bond. Once broken, it's dead.
There is no commitment or love to this dating relationship I have here. It may be adding to my foul moods here because I'm just back to what I was in with Stephen. Why bother? If there is no future or if the words literally that were said was "pointless relationship or uncertain relationship" is used, why bother? Really? I don't have any idea why I should put any effort into something that has nothing to gain from.
I think I've gained insight on how it is to truly be alone. I mean, no family, no friends, and no boyfriend. I relied on boyfriends until I was 27. Now, still at 27 but 6 months on from the breakup, I am finally understanding what it is to be truly alone.

I guess the rain does fit with how I've been feeling. Cold and dreary. It seems I'm doomed to always feel this way. Nothing ever seems to unburden me. I am constantly fighting off some sort of depression or feeling unfulfilled. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. Medication makes me feel worse and the side effects are horrid. All I can do is depress the people around me or make people pretty much despise hanging out with me. I'm a downer. I know it. Too bad I have no idea what to do about it. So, it goes up on this outlet and then I can depress the wider world through the power of the internet.
Glad to be of service.

Day at Minou Falls

A week ago I was feeling very strongly that I can't do this anymore. Again, I'm juggling with the idea of going home sooner than later. I am taking it day by day because so many things effect how I feel about being here and weighing the pros and cons of staying. As of right now, the cons consistently outweigh the pros, but the pros are much more important issues. Like saving money...that's a big one. I can't return home now because I simply haven't saved any money to come home and comfortably live until I found a job at home.
In the meantime, to keep my sanity, I'm going to attempt to go somewhere and see something around Osaka or take weekend trips somewhere nearby until I've saved enough money to return home.
Today I went to Minou falls. It's a very short ride away from where I currently live in Juso. It was definitely something I needed. Fresh air and waterfalls. Both uplifting things that were needed desperately.

Day at Minou Falls