Love (and the lack of?) in 2013

2013 has been one of the most confusing and mind altering years I have ever had. I rung in the New Year in one of the most quiet ways possible. I watched a film with my ex on the couch and sipped on some really bad Japanese champagne.
One month later, I found myself back in Texas. All of February was a weird blur. I don't really remember much of it except that after the 23rd (Les' birthday) I got an email complaining that I hadn't said anything to him for his birthday. I was confused as to seeing how we both agreed that neither of us wanted to be in each others lives. But, I kept getting the emails and my previous post in June was when I finally told him to just leave me alone. As the months have passed since I have finally gotten away from him, I can see how poisonous he was.


I dated a bartender from a bar that I went to quite often. It lasted about 3 months, but was a strange cathartic time. Even though he ended up being a guy who so often said "If I'm dating you, I'm not dating anyone else" and was sleeping with other women at the same time, I ended up not caring in the end and just let it go. I never put anything into it really. I think it was more of a distraction than actually caring.

Then I somehow ended up in a really awkward dance with a friend of my brother. He was cute. He was sweet...I now never know to ever date anyone younger than me. 5 years makes all the difference in my world. I've always dated older and I think it's because I'm attracted to someone who has more experience or just can generally gab with me about things that were around about the same time. This kid had a lot of issues. He told me some really weird and strange stories about his life that read out of about 5 movies mashed into one. He even claimed he had killed a girl in some sort of a fight bet on by mobs that his father ran for the FBI. NO JOKE. I was supposed to believe this? Who actually believes being told this crap?!

I called him on it. I don't think anyone has ever really called him out. He didn't know what to do or say except apologize. Just listening to the ridiculous and silly stories coming out of his mouth made me realize he just wanted a lot of attention. Too much attention.

All in all, these were the two more substantial experiences I had in the midst of some crazy experiences. I can honestly say with a passion how much I hate to date. It's incredibly depressing and makes you realize what you are willing to put up with. This was my experience:
- I was asked by an idiot to be his "mistress" after 3 dates to finally disclose he had an open relationship with his girlfriend in California. No effing way.
- I went on a date with a dude from Oklahoma that decided peeing and videotaping himself at the same time was a good idea. Hence his nickname, drunk piss boy.
- I went on a couple dates with a guy who ended up being extremely sweet, but extremely into the ideas of cosmic and spiritual alignment a little too seriously.
-I met a few guys who came up to the Broken Spoke to meet me and never ended up actually going on dates with them. You usually can feel when something is just not clicking.

It was a hectic 9 months. Nine whole months of hell. By the beginning of October, I just had enough. I was a third wheel on a date with my friend who met this complete weirdo. Seeing it from the outside and being around the situation drove it home how much I hated the dating scene. I still had a okcupid profile and not a couple days after having the realization I just didn't care about the dating scene, I went to go remove myself.

Boy, I'm glad I did. I had one message in the midst of all my "So, what's up? I dunno what your tattoo is but "yer hooot." Here's a picture of my penis." (Yes, many okcupid messages would be just random dude's dicks)
I got asked a very short and succinct question about my tattoo. He asked simply how my day was. Nothing mind blowing...but, that in itself was nice.

I went on a date with this guy after going back and forth in text and email for a bit and felt that he definitely was someone I would be willing to meet. That in itself was a lot more than I had been willing to do for anyone else. I threw out all my scariest traits in the beginning because I just don't have the patience or time to apologize for being a pretty goofy nerd. But, he still seemed interested in meeting me. So, I did it. I went up to his work and met him for the first time.

I am pretty new into this relationship. It's been a little over 3 weeks and I don't think there has been a 24 hour span where we haven't seen each other. I am scared to say much more because after everything that has happened in my life in the last 4 years, love has not been kind. I can say without a doubt that I've definitely fallen head over heels in love for someone in a very short amount of time.

The last time I can ever remember falling this hardly for someone was Ben. He and I had a special bond that even though we didn't make it as a couple, he remained my friend and art buddy. I think it takes just the right combination of people to make such a connection. I finally let down my walls after a lot of convincing from my friend Cait and my mom to do so. I am so guarded. I still feel it. I know that I still have a pretty giant wall up even now. I let all the other one's down just to get this far.

People may see it as pessimism. I see it as self preservation. I opened up myself to Les and put so much faith into one person to be the one that I thought I'd marry and make a life with. When the double life and the cheating with a man happened, it destroyed me. It took so much from me that I was left an empty shell. You can't exactly get rid of all the baggage that comes with such betrayal.

The way I see it, I am going into this relationship with everything put behind me as experience. I don't want to see what goes on with his online presence. I don't want to know or ever use any of his electronics unless navigated by him. I don't ever want to be in a position like that ever again. Ignorance IS bliss sometimes. If I am burned in the end and dumped, I want to be able to walk away saying the worst thing about him was being dumped!

Britta asked me not long after Stephen and I broke up what had ended Ben and I? When I actually sat down and thought about it, I couldn't believe that he and I actually broke up over how often he smoked weed. I was seventeen though. I was young and apparently thought people would break up over the most ridiculous things. I guess in my mind at the time, the amount of pot he smoked warranted us not dating. WOW...mind explosion.

2013. How will you end in regards to love? Am I going to write a blog screaming devotion to a man I met 3 months before or am I going to be ranting about my future as a single dog lady? If I only had a crystal ball...