Kindred spirits

I had such a good day today. Britta and I made plans to get together and go explore Kyoto without any plans on where we ended up. So, the day took us by the seam of our pants and it ended up in the most fun and also some of the most interesting of situations.
I'll post a link to the photos first, but the video to me is the best part:

A day in Kyoto with Britta

So, we started off just taking a bus to the Gion area since there was an artist that lived around there that had some crazy sculptures I wanted her to see. But, what we didn't expect to come across was a massive group of women dressed as Maiko having professional photoshoots being done of them. It was fascinating to watch. What I loved the most was seeing one couple though that went together in these old outfits and showed open affection for each other. It's not a common thing really I've noticed. It seems couples are very conservative in public with their affections for one another. I rarely see a kiss. Never a kiss. (Images of the couple are in the Flickr link above)

As we passed this pagoda I've been by quite a few times now, it was randomly open. It's never open! So, Britta kindly took a photo of me inside the pagoda area and we moved on from there. Nothing exciting to really say about that. We made our way through the mazes of back streets and just continued on finding some amazing places along our random route. We ended up sampling mochi and drinking hot green tea to get out of the cold for while. Then we went off again in the cold to explore some more.
She loves this small stretch of a street that is more of an alley than what you would call a street. It's one of the oldest in Japan and leads to the bar area in Kyoto. Along the way through we found the sweetest and daintiest cat I've ever met, found a tiny playground, and rode the see-saw! From there we just went on and decided to try and find a record shop.

I've been wanting to start my own record collection for a while now. I never have because my dad already has over a few thousand records, so I thought that it would be dumb to buy something that might already be in his collection. Well, it doesn't help he also happens to live in PA and so it's not like I am going to be able to see or use this collection anytime soon. He is one of my greatest influences when it comes to music. When we entered that record store, it was like stepping back to when I was a little kid and accompanied my dad on his album excursions. The smell of old records hit me with a forceful wave of nostalgia and I instantly became hooked. I decided to start my own collection.
Of course, I have to start with the essentials. I have to begin with albums that are my must-haves. I ended up pulling out about 7 or 8 David Bowie albums, but thankfully Britta was there to tell me to start off with just 3 and not get too carried away. So, I picked the three I thought I most needed to begin with.

And there you have them. When I get home to the states, I plan on inquiring about a good record player from my dad. He owns one that I believe is quite expensive, but I know he'll know essentially what would be a good start up record player. I feel like such a noob to something that's so essential to a music lover, but I have to start somewhere. Yeah, I can get it online for free. But, where is the fun in that? I can't put into words what it felt like to buy these today. It seems so ridiculous to most people and I know I sound like a fanatical idiot, but I feel like I'm just beginning to understand something that I think my dad began so many years ago. I get it now. The tangible feel of a record in hand is so much more than the feel of your ipod stuck in your pocket.
I will always remember putting on records on my dad's player before he was taken out of the home. Music was like water in my house. We couldn't live without it. If I didn't come home to hear some sort of music being played on the record player, radio, or TV (when they still played music videos) something felt off.
I'll always fondly remember the nights when I used to live on a street in south Austin when my dad would open all the windows, throw on some colored bulbs in the lamps, and blast the music so loud that you sometimes had to walk through the house with your fingers in your ears. It's funny to think that what I remember most of those nights were the red or blue glow of the lamps because my dad had some fascination with setting up some sort of atmosphere in the house. If it was a party, those bulbs would go in. The fiber optic lamp and lava lamps would also be switched on. I'm surprised we never got a noise complaint honestly. But, we did live on a pretty amazing street with great neighbors who seemed to appreciate music as much as our family did. At least the ones in close proximity.

My favorite night like the one above was when my parents were having a party and everything I just described was put into action. For some reason, my friends were over and we opened my window and spent the night going in and out of my window to go play hide and seek in the middle of the night. My neighborhood friends (and were once my bullies) Casey and Travis were there crawling through my window and exiting through the garage where my parents and their friends were just jamming out. Sometimes, even when the music was blasting in the house, my dad's friend Ricky would be in the garage just playing his guitar. I still remember Ricky fondly, though I found out later that he was a cocaine addict and many people that entered my garage were as well. It's not a knock on them at all. I won't judge a cocaine user, but knowing what effects it's had on my life, I don't agree with it. These were good people. Cocaine users or not.

Wow, way to go off on a tangent. Anyways, besides all of that, Britta and I went around to various Izakayas and bars. We were trying to find a place in Kyoto that would fit our personalities. We were hoping to find somewhere that either played good music while you enjoyed your drink or had a good atmosphere. I think we found one place called Japonica, but it was fairly expensive for one drink. We tried an Irish pub and as soon as we walked in, it felt like a thousand eyes were glaring at us. It was awkward as all hell and so we left because right across the street was a Noise bar. Unfortunately, no noise was going on in there. The bartender made us laugh because we double checked with him by asking simply "Noise bar?" and he replied "Well, now silence bar" with a crooked smile. He was extremely helpful though in finding out where a few other options were for places to go. He also gave me a flier for their rock nights on Wednesdays. Not too bad. We finally settled in for the evening at an Okinawan bar that was playing old Okinawan music and had cheap, but strong drinks. The tendency to water down drinks here is ridiculous. You pay so much for so little. This place did not follow that trend, thank god. The bartender was a sweet University student named Rina who really got into it with us about the US since she has many friends who live there and she visits often. We ended up exchanging numbers and information and I'll probably see Rina again.

Anyways. This entry has gotten so long and I'm still up when I should be asleep. But, the day has been a long fun one and I had to get it all out there while it's still fresh on my mind.
The one thing that I have come to the conclusion of though is that Kyoto nightlife may be a bit lacking compared to Osaka. But, when it comes to everything else, I sincerely prefer Kyoto.

And here's me and Britta being 5 again:

Cutting the fat

I got rid of twitter. I never use the damn thing and it's just another social circus parade of crap that I'm not really into. I'm not going to join it again either. I would maybe quote a few people or retweet things I found to be funny by certain comedians, but that was the extent of my usage there.

I've been hitting the GRE book somewhat and I've found analogies at first to be really easy for me, but then the vocab got pretty intense and now I'm definitely going to start studying a word a day. The sentence completion though was much easier. I got at least 80% of the sentence completion practice examples correct. It's the math I dread. Oh, how fun it will be to get to that point in the book. But, so far, I do like this practice book. I plan to take a day after work on a Monday or Saturday and just go to a cafe and study. It seems I focus better when I'm not at home for some reason.

I'm working overtime tomorrow which is good since I missed Tuesday because of the stomach flu I had. I have just a day or so left on the antibiotics for that and I should be good. Britta and I are planning to spend Sunday in Kyoto. I think we are going to go around and explore areas we have yet to really see. We want to go to more of the non-touristy areas or find a small cafe where we can sit and draw together. Speaking of Kyoto, every day now it has flurried snow. It may not stick to anything, but it's falling from the sky almost every night. It's still having me gaze up in wonder. 

I'm rather amazed at myself because I've even cut back on reading trash sites like Perezhilton.com or the other "celeb" sites I used to frequent. I've cut back on facebook somewhat. I've been working, watching movies and TV shows, doing my crunches, focusing on my GRE book, and reading much more. I do come onto blogspot often to write, but it's a release. I'm finding any urge to mope about Stephen lessen within the last week. I think everything is finally sinking in. When I was sick, he had the kind courtesy to send me a polite quick email to ask if I was ok. It showed me that I think we can eventually be just friends because I didn't feel any pang or dropped stomach when I received it. I just felt like the part of him that's my best friend is still there.

I'm also starting to feel more independent. I dunno if for some reason the hospital visit and the aid of Britta and making other friends here is helping, but I feel like I'm starting to break out of my anti-social shell that I've been in so long. I think maybe being in a relationship, you retract into only being with that other person so that everyone else just isn't important. I'm finding out why this is something you should never do. For some reason, I was in the shower thinking about friends and the people that were so supportive of me at home and I realized that I neglected so many friendships because of my relationship.
I've given myself a new rule. If your significant other doesn't like your friends or refuses to hang with your friends for whatever reason, then you probably won't work out. Or if they refuse to let you go be with your friends, then they really are unhealthy. (Avery, if you are reading this, I'm looking at you kid) There are exceptions to the rule. Some friends are douchebags. There's no doubt about it. But, if I find myself ever in a situation where every name I list off gets a shake of the head or grunt of disapproval, I'm moving on. The same should go for him.

Completely off topic, my new nickname is Danx. No longer Dacinactica or Danica pow. My friend Les started calling me it for the last few months and I've grown accustomed to it. It makes me laugh. Dacinactica is too long and difficult and Danica pow was my myspace name. I don't have a myspace anymore, so that's irrelevant. Easy and simple. Danx. I like it.

Update: FAFSA submitted. Tax Return done. It'll be paying for my flight home in the summer. :)

Feeling much better

It must have been one of those 24 hour stomach flu's, but I am feeling much better now at the ungodly hour of 1:30am. I've been in and out of napping through the day taking my medications and drinking as much fluid as possible. I have to return to work tomorrow, but I think it should be ok. I picked up an overtime shift on Friday, so it should make up for the day I lost today. Since it pays time and a half, it should also compensate a little bit more.

I spent basically the entire day in bed listening to Grooveshark and discovering bands that I'm obviously far behind on since everyone else I know has already heard of these bands. I feel so left out when it comes to music. I guess I tend to get stuck with a few artists I truly love and then they tend to fall on repeat for quite a long time. I was extremely into Muse for the longest time. I still am. I respect their albums before this last one, but it seems their push to try to enter the US scene has destroyed a lot of what I respected them for. I mean, for godsake, they made a single for Twilight. If that's not destroying their integrity as a band, I don't know what else would do worse. I guess it generally could be worse, but I just don't know. Now that Matt Bellamy has conceived a child with Hollywood's cum bucket and band groupie, I don't see much of a potential future anymore for the band.

I did end up making myself quite homesick though. There are so many events and invites I keep getting that makes me frustrated because I want to be there. I almost feel like I'm disconnecting from home too much and it worries me when I return. But, I know that's all just unjustified fears. If I was to come home soon, all I would be doing is fretting over a break up that's still somewhat fresh.

In the end I think I'll be ok. 5 more months of non-communication and not seeing him should do me some good. It may be tough the first month or so back because I'll be back in the midst of Austin and all it's reminders, but maybe by that point, I'll be much more disconnected. I'll be focused on gearing up for school and maybe even have the capacity to start dating. I know I won't be looking for anything serious, but it'd be nice to get out there again and meet new people. We'll see. At this time it's the furthest from my mind. But, sometimes it's nice to think of the future in a positive manner.

2:00am. Time to go to bed.

Ouch

Well, today didn't quite go as expected. I got up as normal, but noticed when I woke up that my lower abdomen was swollen and was hurting. I just thought after a hot shower and getting ready that I should be ok. I wasn't. On the train ride to work, I felt like my head was hovering over everyone, but this giant painful weight in my stomach was keeping me grounded in the train. It probably sounds more like a bad acid trip than anything.

I went in and got my normal small coffee from Starbucks thinking any liquid would be good for me. The end of the story of this little non-fat white mocha is a sad one. Not a single drop of it was drunk. I decided to go ahead and also get some water and a sandwhich that is basically lettuce and bread at the corner store just to make sure I was getting more than a little bit of non-fat milk and coffee.

I came in feeling even worse than I did on the train. As soon as I entered the school, the regular staff member I see every Monday morning took one look at me and said "Oh, Danica, you don't look so well." I just nodded and rubbed my stomach while explaining the pain in the area. She cocked her head to one side and then with big sympathetic doe eyes simply said "Diarrhea?" Ummm, uhhh, well, uhhh? How does an American answer that? I felt icky saying yes. You see, in Japan, diarrhea is just like having a runny nose. Well, in the sense of saying "I have a runny nose." Saying "I have diarrhea" seems to not phase any Japanese person I've met who have somehow brought it up.
I have a really weird thing about telling someone I have diarrhea. It's just, god, too PERSONAL!
Well, back to the point.

By 1pm, they sent in a sub-stay for me (which meant I could go home if I got worse). Thank god it was Les too. I miss seeing him. About 1:50pm, right after my lesson ended, I had to run to the restroom and basically up came the bready sandwich and water I had tried to drink. Then the severe pain in my stomach had me literally folding over in agony. I stayed in that bathroom for way too long clutching my stomach. When I had enough strength, I told them I was going and thankfully everyone did seem to be sympathetic.

I got home close to 3 and starting feeling even worse than I was at work. But, this time I had to bike home. God, that was the most painful 10 minute bike ride ever. When I took my temperature, I was at 100.4, so I decided to say to hell with it, I'm going to the hospital. The pain was almost unbearable. But, the hard part was finding a place to go and how to get there without having to ride my bike or get on a train again. Thankfully the helpful ladies on the medical line were able to point me to a hospital literally a 15 minute bike ride away from me. I also successfully called a taxi by myself and had them pick me up and drop me off.

The moment I walked into the hospital, I knew I was going to be taken care of. I was of course given the initiative "oh, god it's a white person" look, but in the end it all worked out. When the examination time came, they did checked my stomach and talked to me about my symptoms in full. Because I hadn't kept anything down all day, they decided to throw me on an IV because of the threat of severe dehydration. They also took blood to get a full CBC to check that everything was okay. All it ended up showing was my white blood cells being elevated which wasn't much of a surprise.

This is my first time alone away from home with no one but myself to take care of my health while sick. I came home after all was said and done at the hospital with an even higher fever, but I'm doing my best to keep distracted. My stomach still feels extremely tender, swollen, and painful. It sucks being this sick, but I felt like I could survive in this country by myself now. I called a taxi. I survived a hospital visit. I did it all on my own and even directed the second taxi driver to my house because HE got lost.

This was way too long of a post simply about the stomach flu. It's time for bed and hopefully tomorrow I will be on the road back to feeling better.

I sure could use some of my grandma's homemade soup though. Sigh.

Blue Valentine

It's strange how one movie parallels so many aspects of one's own life. Of course there are major differences in the film and my previous relationship, but it's strange how I watched this movie and could almost feel like the screenwriters had taken a true look at what it feels like to be in a relationship that can be damaging. What was amazing is that you could feel the bond between these two characters fall into despair, but you never really were given a pinpoint reason for the unhappiness between them. 

I think Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling deserve an Oscar for those performances. It felt so tangible. So palpable. It wasn't a typical Hollywood script. It really felt like you were a voyeur in this couple's life.

I think both characters had characteristics that both Stephen and I shared. While being warm and emotional, he could also be devoid of emotion at times and act distant. I believe to be the same for me. But, the movie almost gave a glimpse of a future I don't ever want. I don't ever want to end up in a loveless marriage where the only connection I have with a significant other is a child. 
SPOILER ALERT:
(Well, at least one that is genetically both ours)
You can highlight the above if you've seen the movie or don't care about spoilers.

I wasn't into seeing this film at first. To me, I felt like it was just going to be another depressing relationship movie (well, it is), but what it has is so much more integrity to it. I feel like this film could have been a non-fiction picture. 
Bravo, Derek Cianfrance. I hope you get at least an Oscar nod for that one.
It's amazing how one film probably hits close to home for so many people. Unfortunately, this one did in particular ways in my life.

"I'm not in love with you anymore"

Gotta keep this on repeat in my mind. I just have to. I'm holding on to too much still. STILL.

I feel like this is never-ending.
It's been 2 months now. C'mon. How long does it have to take?
I have to keep his voice saying "I'm not in love with you anymore" on repeat in my mind anytime I think of him. He got back onto facebook again and he said that he erased and blocked me.
Repeat it. Let it soak in. I need to let those feelings of rejection, betrayal, and destruction soak in so I can move on.
I wish I could feel about him the way I do about Ben. I could even go hang out with Ben anytime and know things would just be cool between us. It has been for years. I want to get to that point, but I wish I could get to that point now. Ben is still my friend and I respect him as an artist and a person, but feel no feelings for him. I want that now for Stephen.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."
Soak it in.

96 page views so far

Would someone please explain to me why this post has been getting so many page views?!

242/365 Scorpion's apprentice

I checked my stats and this was the highest looked at page on my blog. It's not even a good image. It was me practicing merging an image of myself and something taken from the internet in photoshop for my 365 project. I don't understand why in the world this post would be the most popular.
I guess more people in the world really like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat than I thought.

...

Feeling lonely and down today. I think that I'm just going to have to face these days as they come.

Update: Spent the last 2 hours doing girly pampering. One of those girly things = OUCH!
Also, why do banana chips have to be so good but so high in calories? My assumption is added sugar, but then again, they don't taste like they've been bogged down in sugar like the so called "healthy dried pineapple." Those basically taste like they've been soaked in a vat of high fructose corn syrup and then dehydrated.

Welcome to my day off and my pointless stream of consciousness when I'm bored out of my mind.

Random thoughts

Thanks to 5 semesters of Japanese, I randomly remember words in the midst of a conversation when I need them the least. When I actually need to remember something, I start miming everything. Sigh.
Todays random words: washoku and youshoku. Basically it's Japanese cuisine and western cuisine. This pops in my head when I'm talking to a staff member about the weather for the coming weekend. Language is really weird sometimes.

It's even better when you start mixing languages. Somehow I'll throw out Spanish randomly here. Or I noticed when I was home for the holidays, if I bumped into someone or wanted to say excuse me, I'd say sumimasen. My brain can't seem to decide which language I'm supposed to be speaking.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Perseverance pays off

    This entry may come completely off as narcissistic, but I've been going at it with exercises for the last six months. I'm proud at how far I've come because I have never stuck to a regiment this long before.  Whoever said that you can get "firm, toned abs in just 6 weeks!" is a load of crap. Every other day, I do my exercises and eat as healthy as I can. It may not be much to anyone else, but for me it's something I've striven for a long time. I've always wanted a toned stomach. I've always had my baby pooch and no matter what I did, it never quite left me. It's just a part of me.
    But, within the last week or so, I'm seeing it shrink. It's not entirely gone, but it feels good to know that I'm doing the right thing and I can't thank one of my oldest friends Danielle for guiding me through enough. She's a personal trainer and just because she's a sweetheart, she's given me tips on exercises and approaches to getting the body you want.
Japan has also helped with my sweet tooth. I thought this country was filled with nothing but sweets and processed food. (At least if you don't intend to cook at home) Everywhere you turn is some sort of sweet bread or some sort of junk food. But, when I came home over Christmas, I took one bite of my grandma's beloved chocolate peanut butter balls and I nearly had to spit it out because all I could taste was powdered sugar. What normally is a tradition I look forward to on the holidays made me sick to my stomach.
Well, I dunno if these pics show any difference since I first posted my progress a month or more ago, but I can feel it. I guess that's all that matters.

Why am I apologizing?

    A lot of people that know me know that I grew up in a household filled with music. Mostly metal. Mostly 1980's heavy metal. I grew up knowing three David's. David Lee Roth, David Coverdale (yes, from Whitesnake), and David Bowie. From Dokken to Missing Persons to The Beatles and back again, I was constantly either watching MTV or hearing my dad play his records. The TV unfortunately became my babysitter and rock in general became a part of me from a young age.

    Now that I'm 27 and getting older, I'm finding myself almost apologizing for the music I like. Why? I shouldn't have to apologize for liking cheesy metal. It's not like it's the only thing I listen to. I listen to a wide range of music. Thank god for my grandpa who introduced me to true old country. I found my own niche in what I like by exploring things my mom hated just because she hated it (For example The Cure).
    My family can't stand hip hop or rap. But, I have a respect for early hip hop and rap when it was more about a social message than shooting up bitches and how much bling you have. I have some favorite hip hop artists I enjoy listening to quite a bit despite the dirty looks my mom gets on her face when she hears it. But, c'mon. Nowadays, she's listening to operatic power metal. That's definitely not my thing.
    I also found my own weird ensemble of almost bohemian-like women that I love. Bat for Lashes, Goldfrapp, Joanna Newsom, and Oh Land are just to name a few.

Muse was my favorite contemporary rock band for the last 8 or so years until recently when it seemed that fame and making crap was more important than their integrity. I'll always give them a chance after the last disaster of an album, but I dunno if they will ever get back to the time when they were producing music like on Origin of Symmetry or Absolution.

    David Bowie has consistently stayed with me. No, it wasn't Labyrinth that did it. Though, it's not like it didn't help. No, it was Ziggy Stardust. The Thin White Duke. Aladdin Sane. From the age of 5, I was obsessed with this man who dressed in the most fantastic of ways. He was fearless. He was avant-garde. He was magical. 

   
    The whole reason this post got started was because I was finding myself editing the music I like around certain people. I shouldn't have to do that. Also, if I'm to have any luck finding a new relationship one day, this person will have to accept or just at least laugh with me about the music I listen to. If they don't, then they must not be for me. Everyone has their tastes and everyone has their bands that they despise. But, c'mon. Don't knock anyone down for what they like. Even if the do like shit like Creed.

Taking a moment here to totally be a hypocrite. Creed fucking sucks. You cannot argue against it.

    Anyways, I'm not going to edit my taste in music anymore around people. If I want to throw on Motley Crue at karaoke, I'm gonna do it. Skid Row? I'll be screaming Youth Gone Wild into that microphone. But,  I can turn it around and sing Magic by Olivia Newton-John. Here you go. The perfect ending for a blog entry that's just me bitching at nothing.

   
    

  

A video of the snow coming down

This might be removed soon since I used Arcade Fire's No Cars Go song in the video. It was quickly and badly put together. But, it's simply here for documentation purposes for my friends and family who actually care.

Snow!

I had a good time last night going out. We met up with a few others from our job through the night, but we ended up at Kama Sutra (the karaoke bar) and finally left there at 5am so I could get the first train home. I accidentally fell asleep on the train and missed my stop and woke up literally when the doors were shutting at my station. I felt like a dope. So, I finally rounded my way back and as I was walking home, it was snowing. It's still flurrying outside, but it's not sticking as much as it was this morning.

Sorry for the clanking. That's my little charm attached to my phone that kept banging against the back of my iphone. I was really like a little kid. I started running and sliding my feet in the untouched powdery stuff. It was funny because I rounded a corner and a Japanese guy was doing the exact same thing. We both laughed when we saw each other and both gave a pretty friendly "Ohayou Gozaimasu!" when we passed one other. I love moments like that.

It's bad quality probably because I was so cold walking home, but here's me and the snow behind me.

Yeah, the quality of these images aren't too good. But, I was rushing home because my feet felt frozen and my nose was completely numb. But, it was a beautiful sight with it all almost untouched because it was so early in the morning.

And here's a few images from the night that I really loved:

We have new giant ads for our school. I had to of course make myself look the part of our employees.

 Brendan and Asha:

 Britta in the midst of a conversation:

Me looking less than enthused. I think I was just listening to the conversation going on.

 I love this gal:

 Two amazing people. Molly and Tommy. They've been christened Tamale. "Tomolly"

 Molly and I and a nice photobomb by Tommy:

 I think this is my favorite pic of me and Tommy trying to get a picture together. The timing couldn't have been better.

 Molly and Britta:

 We finally succeeded in getting both our faces in a shot:

After Tommy and Molly left, Britta and I just stuck around Kama until the trains started running again. It was surprisingly packed all night long in the bar. There were so many Brits and Irish in the bar last night. So, Britta and I were pretty content with most of the song choices. The last one we sang was Welcome to the Jungle and my voice sounds pretty horrible. I sound like I've been smoking my entire life yet once again. I don't understand why my voice can't handle singing for very long. It makes me sad considering how much I love doing karaoke.

But, since I ended up staying out all night,  I ended up sleeping really late today. I've got to get up early for a 10-4 shift tomorrow. Hopefully, I can get some rest and not mess myself up too bad with the all-nighter. Or as my Iphone wanted to do with predictive text: All-nigger.
Mmmmkay, Apple. I think someone over there is letting this phone produce words that shouldn't even be assumed to be written. I can't type hell without getting "he'll." Yet, I type nighter and I get nigger. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I'm going back to my trash TV watching now. I'm starting a new series called The Cape. I'll give it a couple of episodes, but I have strong doubts about this one. C'mon HBO. I'm ready for Game of Thrones NOW.

New self portrait series

Well, stuck in a room in the middle of winter with no one but myself and a camera brings on a need to release some sort of artistic endeavor. I felt like getting a new self portrait series done with my new 'do and being put in a  new situation in life. Let's see what I look like this time next year. The first photo is my favorite. It just reminds me of the 1960's mod era. That's what the entire aesthetic was attempting to be anyways, but some pulled it off more than others. But, these were my favorites out of the images taken.

I wish I could look like this first picture every day:

One of my proudest moments

It was all by fortunate luck, but god, it was awesome.


Don't talk/ Don't text


I was seriously giddy from being literally 4 feet away from Sam Rockwell. Too bad I was behind the camera and not giving him my number. HA! In my dreams.
I need to start updating my resume and getting all my videography work in there and the IMDB credit I have from Stephen's short film. I was behind the scenes trying to more or less help him cope with all the craziness getting that thing ready. His stress was going above and beyond though and I started to stress out as well. I was at rehearsals and the casting calls. I helped with wardrobe. I did enough to give me some credit. It may not be "1st camera" or "producer", but it's something.

School starts August 24th. I'll be taking a full load of upper level courses to get that GPA up. Also, I've ordered the 2011 GRE study book and I'll be cracking on that until April or May when the 2012 version comes out.

I've been talking to my friend Nathan in Austin and while I'm over here and he's in Austin, we are thinking of collaborating on a photo blog together. We will have to set some rules/guidelines for the photos and we will have a photo exchange. I'm excited about this because it pushes me to go out and do what I love to do. I didn't take many photos while I was in Austin. It seems all ambition left me when I got there because I was dealing with a lot of emotional crap. It's not like I'm not now because it doesn't just turn off, but focusing on something like this will help.
Britta and I are also going to go out and find places to just chill and draw. We want to find places where we can just sit and take in the surroundings and just sketch.

Back in the swing of things

I'm already one day in and I feel like I haven't really left. I had my first day back to work today and it went really smoothly and not much is to be said about it.

I am staying the extra three months. It was finally agreed upon with my Personnel coordinator and though she reluctantly agreed, I'll be here until the end of June. I'm not quite sure how it works, but my job gives me 15 vacation days throughout the year. 5 being flexible, the others being fixed. Apparently the whole reason it was frowned upon me doing a 3 month contract was because of this. I have to use all 15 days by June 30th. So, it's like the company is paying me for 3 months of  2.5 months of actual work. I see where they are coming from now. The other thing is that golden week is in May. We get those days off as well and they aren't counted towards the vacation days. So, that adds another at least 5 days of paid days off. So, that's 20 days I get paid for that I'm not working.
I was a bit taken back by it obviously. But, I need to be here those three extra months. I can't come back in April and be financially secure enough to finance a car and look for an apartment. I'm hoping with all my heart that my friend Dan will help me out with the apartment business. He's a realtor now and so if he isn't full on tenants, I'm hoping he will be my landlord. I know he accepts dogs since he owns a Welsh Corgie himself.

I just ordered my GRE study books, but they won't be delivered until April or May! Since they are the 2012 study guides, they haven't been released because the GRE is being rewritten and the books will reflect that. So, in the meantime, I'm checking to see if I should just go ahead and order a 2011 study guide to get me into the flow of it and then when I receive the other books, I can just move on from there.

Well, that being all settled, I'm needing my nerves to stop going crazy. I still feel like I've had 10 cups of coffee when I shouldn't have any reason to feel so on edge. I think it's still residual feelings from my visit home. It's not that I regret coming home because I did get to see and hang out with people I've missed. I didn't get to hang out with a few that I personally regret and wish I would have stopped sulking and made time for them. But, I'm going through what people call what is closest to a death. It is in a way a death. My friend Avery said it well. When two people who've been together so long, they start to share a mind and become so accustomed to one another that being together is like breathing. It just happens without thinking. When that breaks apart, your mind goes into shock and in my case, I start to go into a really deep depression and start to act in irrational ways. It's like my mind can't handle the burden of the mourning and the eventual future of him with someone else.
The visit home was a challenge.

But, I'm back in Japan now and will be until the end of June. If those applied ALP's must be used by the end of June, that probably means that I can find a flight home by June 21st if I wanted. I'm assuming? We'll see. It's a ways off and now I just need to focus on getting my mind in the right place. If I plan to pursue a new relationship down the line, I need to be healthy mind and soul. The last thing I need is to start a new relationship still having the burden of the old one on me. That'll bring 'em in. ha.
Maybe when I'm not looking, something will fall into my lap. You never know. But, I always finding myself crushing on the unattainable guys. The ones who don't give me a second look or they have some model-like girlfriend. Also, getting nearer to my 30's than I want to be, most of these guys are taken anyways. I wish I could be a guy and date a girl 10 years younger without so much as a second thought. It''s not possible for me to do that. Well, obviously not now since I'm 27 and that'd make them 17. UH, gross.

Dating is weird anyways. God, I haven't been on a date in years. I'd think I'd act like a fool. I guess when I decide to enter that world again, things hopefully will be less awkward with age. Probably not.
It just makes me laugh thinking about it.

Oh life, you really throw some punches sometimes. Sometimes a K.O. But, you still gotta get up, brush yourself off, and keep on going.
 

Oh and...

Nobody really cares, but I have bangs now. Or as the Brits say, I have fringe. I haven't had a change in hairstyle in at least 6 or 7 years now? The last time I did something that changed my look completely was when I chopped off my long hair. For some reason I was watching David Bowie music videos from when he was young and I just thought, fuck it. I want a change. He always experimented with his hair. It's no shaving of the head or anything, but I wanted to try something different. I'm not used to it quite yet, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I was worried it would destroy my features, but it seems to just kinda be. I'll decide as they grow out whether I feel more comfortable with them or not. I just needed a change.

Back to Japan in exactly 12 hours

I'll be leaving on a jet plane to go back to Japan in exactly 12 hours. Surprisingly, I'm finding myself ready to get back. I think living on my own, being away from the drama that has been non-stop here, and having choices there that I don't have here are making me realize I may like being in Japan more than I thought.
Being single going back over will present me with a lot of new opportunities. Not constantly worrying about getting to my Skype for phone calls, not constantly worrying about a significant other over seas, not feeling guilty for spending all night out with my friends are just a few I can name.
Yeah, the country comes with it's challenges and frustrations, but I think another 6 months (if approved) is going to be just fine. I'm ready to get back to the mountains and see the snow. I can't wait to see my friends Sciby and Britta. I'm looking forward to an 80's night with Tim. Sciby and Britta both leave in March, but I'll have 3 months then to just go ahead and focus on studying on my GRE until I leave on July 1st (again, if approved).
Hopefully my friend Yoshi I met through my old coworker will be able to come back to his hometown and show me around to all the good bars. Apparently, I've already been to the one that he frequented. If he came to Kyoto just for a bit, I know I'd have a blast hanging with him and his friends.
I'm getting used to going out by myself. I have to honestly. It's nerve wracking especially when you are a shy girl, but I have to push myself out of my comfort zone now.
When I come back to Austin in the summer, I'm hoping to find my own place, find a job to sustain me through school, find a decent used car, and focus on my studies. Since my friend Dan is a realtor, I think he might be able to help me around the 78704/05 area. We'll see how things go. I'm thinking too far ahead in the future. I need to just go ahead and think of my immediate right now.

Right now what's bothering me is leaving Kaya again for another six months. If they decline my request for 3 more months after I explained my situation, then I guess she won't have to wait that long and I'll be back in three months. Either way, I just hope that she is taken good care of. I can trust my grandparents to do that and I can trust when they ask the ex to watch her that he will. But, it's the times in between I'm worried about.

But we survived the first six. I think she'll be ok the next. *knock on wood*

The next six months I am going to do my best to have the out of sight, out of mind method implemented to try and get over this break up. Seeing him these last 2 or so weeks has done worse for my psyche than I thought. Every time I see him, it's a drop in the stomach. The feelings I get when I see him are probably the equivalent of what it feels like to have a panic attack. A panic attack plus the feeling of depression and despair. I'm more than happy to get away and also get away from the fake niceties of "take care" and all that bullshit.

I hope to come home in six months to a different me. Someone happier and feeling more free. Hopefully I won't feel like my life is in tatters as I feel now. Hopefully I will be a bit more mended and can start moving onto my goals that I previously mentioned.

Please 2011. Bring me good things. 2010, you really hurt me and really let me down.

Ladie's night

About to commence. Please bring on the fun. I don't want tonight to bomb.

Moving on, moving on

So, I got a promising email from the graduate advisor at the UT school of information science. I explained my situation with my GPA and my plans to take courses to up that and also study my ass off for the GRE. She suggested doing those things, but focusing very intensely on a Statement of Purpose and getting letters of recommendation from Professors. I know one particular professor that taught film history and she was a sweetheart. Knowing she's faculty in this particular school gives me a tiny spark of hope.
I'm looking at a gamble here. I'm going to be taking courses to up my GPA while also studying to do well on the GRE. Then I have to really work on this statement of purpose and get it so that it captures the Graduate committee and I need to butter up and get to know a lot of the professors within the school. I have to do all this and then cross my fingers that I get accepted. If I don't, then I will have at least increased my GPA and have taken the GRE so that I can possibly apply elsewhere. I don't want to do that because Texas has the #1 preservation program. But, it's what life will hand me.

I'm happy to have something to work towards. I was feeling very empty and very scared about my future because I knew that I would leave Japan on April 1st/July 1st (decision yet to be made) and have no clue of what to do with myself. I love film. With this program, I could preserve film! I've always been fascinated by old artifacts and buildings. I love history. Thinking of working in a museum or being the one to restore an old book really gets my brain cogs moving. I've got a collection of old german books from my family farm that I want to preserve. There are so many directions I could go with it or so many other directions I could go with obtaining special certifications in other areas of preservation or the general information science route.

BUT. The big BUT. I have to work really hard. I have to push and push and push. I'm going to be engulfed in this endeavor. Of course I will be upset if I get denied, but then I should go ahead and just apply to other schools or other grad programs. We'll see. All I know is that for now, I plan to start studying for the GRE and getting ready to set up my class schedule for the fall semester. The first step was getting back into UT. That I did. Next, time to up that GPA and kill on the GRE. One step at a time.
I'm hoping this focus will also help me think less about the break up and more about my future. I already feel better knowing I've got something to work towards. I think that's the most important thing.

where has it gone?

Where the hell has all my inspiration gone? Or ability to finish a project when I start it. I want to start creating art again because I feel I've been neglecting it for quite some time. My grandma's portrait is still waiting to be finished and my River Phoenix portrait has yet to be done. It's been what? 2 years since I started that thing?
I can knock portraits out fairly quickly when I'm focused, so I really need to start just pushing myself. I need to finish that portrait of my G-ma and then maybe start moving on to using some subtle color with other portraits and then start going into more abstract or detailed color portraits. I want my imagination to start running rampant. I need inspiration and distraction. Maybe I need to surround myself with other artists...digital or physical.
I'm feeling empty by being so dormant in making art. It used to be a passion, but now it's gone by the wayside.

If anything, I might just take some art classes at UT in the fall just because I need it. I need some fuel to get this fire burning again. Yeah, it costs money. But, the pay off to me is worth it. Since Grad school has come to a grinding halt because the grad school counselor basically said my GPA would be scoffed at, it doesn't look very good in my prospects of going back to school in the preservation dept. of the information of science school. Oh well. I was the one who screwed myself over there. That's what I get for not giving a shit the last 2 years of college. Better know now than to waste money attempting for the program and not getting in. That would waste a lot of time and a lot of money.

Time to get back to what I know best. Pencil and paper. Charcoal and acrylics. Prisma colors and digital manipulation. Maybe I should do a 365 of art. It could be just scribbles or simple sketches and projects that would take a couple of days, but every day I should try and churn out something. I think I might try doing that. I'll probably slack off as per usual, but at least I'd be trying.

I was 11.

When I first heard this song I immediately became enamored with Bjork. My memory is watching this on MTV and somehow my father knew her from The Sugarcubes.  As soon as he saw the video with me sitting there just tunnel focused on the aesthetics of the video, he had his mind only on grabbing his hands on that Bjork album.

I always talk about my dad being a music enthusiast and I really do mean it. He has or had over 15,000? albums. I remember he counted one day and it was quite a massive collection. It was such a large amount that it took up an entire closet from top to bottom in our home. I was introduced to so many bands by him. He wasn't the greatest man, but he did leave me with a wide variety of music tastes. From the Misfits to Shocking Blue, he had everything in between. I'll never forget him BLASTING his music out of the house with the windows open. I remember a particular night when I was about 14 and he had decided to play Type O Negative's Black No. 1 and Christian Woman. My neighbors were less than amused and called the cops with a noise complaint. I'm surprised it's the only one I can recall.
The thing is that he did it ever since I can remember. Since I was a child, I will always have the memory of my house being so loud with music that sometimes to go get something to eat in the kitchen required me to plug my ears with my fingers.
His prize possession is his mint condition the Beatles "baby doll parts" album. It's worth quite a bit today because of it's rarity. I remember him handling it with the utmost care and using gloves to pull it out and show me. I still feel nostalgic when I enter a record store because I expect to see my dad there thumbing through every single row with a careful eye.

Nelson, Nelson, and Nelson.

What a seriously beautiful man. This song couldn't be more made for me right now than in any other time in my life.
 
And then he created these two. Ah, the irony.

God bless you Mike Judge.

Lest we not forget this Nelson.