Dear 18 year old me...

Dear 18 year old me,

Well, I guess big things first. Your goal of graduating college and going to the University of Texas?  Well, you succeeded. Only you didn't graduate with a Geology or studio art degree. At ACC, you were the bane of each of your classmates existence in Geology because your score was what the curve was based on. Your random choice to take sculpture resulted in a front and back cover of the ACC bi-annual art journal. All those years in High School farting around? You ended up with a nearly 4.0 in community college and got into the Film program at UT with no problems. I bet you can't imagine that you would have gotten a film degree, eh?
The film degree was definitely influenced by your relationship with Stephen. No, sorry to say that your idea of marrying him one day doesn't even come close. Though, you do spend 10 years on and off with him on a roller coaster of a relationship. You don't even end up moving in together. But, it was a relationship you learned a lot from.
You live with your grandparents mostly. Unfortunately, the idea of graduating and being self sufficient never quite comes together since you quit Michael's and go work at the local video store. That video store does wonders for you though. You meet some amazing people and end up befriending someone who was always in your life. Yeah, Avery? Do you remember the girl named Elizabeth? Yeah, that's her. She's changed her name a couple of times, but she ends up being one of your closest friends.
You haven't quite made it to Europe. The backpacking and German studying self somehow has a meet and greet with Japan. Somehow that meet and greet turned into a passionate love affair. You suddenly fell in love with a place you never thought you'd end up. You know how many times you've been there now? Three times! Soon to be a fourth.
What ends up finally breaking you and Stephen apart is you living in Japan. You've lived there once, though very briefly in Kagoshima. It was not exactly what you imagined when you applied to the JET program, but you ended up going back 2 years later. This time you get the one place you wanted to live, in Kyoto. Though quiet and beautiful, it's exactly that. Quiet. haha. Who would have thought you would have ended up living mostly in Osaka? You met two fantastic people that are from different countries, yet have the same effect on you. A quick friendship with deep bonds as soon as you meet. Britta from Canada. Sciby from Australia. Who would have known one person you call one of your most trusted confidants is an Aussie?
So, no, Europe is still waiting for your feet to travel it's paths. You end up with a little white dog though! She's what you always wanted in a dog. One that you call your own that you also baby like a child. Unfortunately, she has to stay behind while you explore Asia. But, she's always an everlasting part of you. You got her in 2004, and 8 years later she's now a matured pup who likes sleeping more than playing.
You've taken up photography! Who would have figured? Yeah, your dad was a huge photographer with professional and precise photos, but you enjoy it for the art and the way it captures life's moments.
No, Alice in Chains isn't your favorite band forever, though you thought that's the way it was going to be. When you saw them in concert, you couldn't help but feel cheated. Your enduring fascination with David Bowie only has increased over time and now you've established that this will be your forever favorite. The one influence to never leave your life. Your dad had the Beatles. Your papa his bluegrass favorites. You, it's Bowie. His concert not only strengthened this bond, but enforced it. You also become almost obsessed with a band called Muse. But, their album in 2010 leaves you feeling like Alice did in concert. A bit cheated. So, Bowie endures.
You were vegan at 18. You were vegan until you were 21 or 22, but began being vegetarian by that time. By the age of 28, you are eating meat again because there isn't any other way to eat in Japan and feel like you have a proper meal. Your vegan and vegetarian influence still remains with you though. Milk still tastes funky. You can't look at a full chicken without feeling nauseous. You have no idea how to properly cook a steak, nor have you ever tried.
You are dating a Canadian. This probably comes as a shock. The neighbor in the north that felt as foreign as Japan is now the home country of your boyfriend. He's unlike anyone you imagined ending up with. Though, you love him with a fervor that you didn't expect.
Sorry, but your hypothyroidism came back. Yeah, it was gone for a while! You were lucky! But, unfortunately, it rears it's head again in your mid twenties. Your room is full of memorabilia from your favorite movies and confuses your grandparents and your sister.
Yes, your sister. The little cooing thing you see is already in the process of puberty by 28. Yep, she's a character! But, you love her even more than when she was laughing at you blowing bubbles on her belly.
Your brother has grown into a man. He's now a college student with a motorcycle. Yep, a motorcycle. He's studying Japanese too.
I guess all these things are surprises because you had such a different idea of your future. You thought you would have traveled Europe, stayed a while in Germany, and possibly been married. But, you were against marriage weren't you? Kids too. I guess it's an even bigger surprise to you that 10 years later, you don't see both of those options out of your life. You even may want children one day. Or someone to call your husband. Who knows?
Your ideas of religion never waver though. You still believe Christianity to be as valid as Buddhism and Atheism. You still don't see how one God is right and everything  else is wrong.
You have a black president. Well, half black but no one seems to ever give the white side of his lineage any credit.
All that baby fat you were desperate to be rid of does go away. But, your face isn't as youthful. Oh, and those pimples you think will be gone by your mid twenties? Think again. You are still struggling with skin problems. Thanks hormones. Surprisingly as you've aged, you've been up and down with your weight with it comfortably settling at about 115 lbs. But, with every stressful event in your life, you tend to lose weight. So, even now as your 28 year old self types this, you are sitting at about 105 lbs. I bet you never thought you would want that baby fat back in your cheeks.
So, 18 year old self, you are now an English Teacher in Japan. You are dating a Canadian and living together while there. You've traveled to Japan more than any other country and have seen Taiwan as well. You hope to see Korea, Australia, Thailand, and Cambodia by the time you are done living over there.
One thing I know you still regret is the film degree. But, you would have never had the amazing experiences as a videographer had you not gone that route. You still paint and do portraits. It still remains one of your talents.

So, 38 year old me? What does the 28 year old me wonder about?

Are you going to have children? Are you going to be married? I guess putting the horse before the cart would be a better way of asking that. Are you in a job you enjoy? Are you even employed? Where do you live?
Have you traveled to Europe yet? Have you seen Germany yet? Do you ever get to see Egypt?
Is your brother the successful artist he's always been? Do you still try to be healthy with exercise and food?
Where are your grandparents and parents? Is your mom self sufficient yet? Has your dad actually opened communication? Are you still in love or is that still something you are looking for? Do you have any dogs? I know that you will have dealt with the blow of Kaya passing. I know how much it's going to hurt.
I know how much it's going to hurt when you lose Kaya and your grandparents. It's going to turn your world upside down. But, you can do it.
Where are you 38 year old me? What are you doing? As scary as it is to say, are you even still alive? The world takes away lives just as quickly as they are given, so hopefully you still are around to read this. What are you doing 38 year old me? Are you happy?
Because that's all I ask.

365 part deux

I am going to do a second 365.
52 weeks. Each week a theme.
A picture every day for that theme. 7 photos.
My week will start on a Sunday and end on the Saturday.
I'm anticipating the fun and of course the annoyances that come with this, but oh how I love art projects.

twists and turns and hope

Ha.
I feel like I should be just laughing. But the thing is, I am.
I needed to come home for my health. Particularly my mental and physical health. So far, it's been a exponentially good experience but also a huge wake up call.
My battle with depression is no secret. My battle to fight it is. I'm now seeing a therapist regularly and also taking an antidepressant.  I'm feeling better than I have in months. I think the catalyst for me after reading a few professional books (Learned Optimism-strongly suggest for those like me) for recognition and skills to stop the pessimistic view of everything and try to turn that around, was just the move to Japan last year. It was a huge step. A huge change. On top of that, a new job, a new country and customs, and then a new fresh break up. It was all so damaging to my psyche. Even though one in particular was just down right negative, major life changes all can do such terrible damage if you are a person who has a tendency for negative thought. Um, yeah, that's me.

So, now I'm doing my best to get my mind healthy and back on track. Not only does pessimism affect your day to day life, it affects your immune system. I got sick in Japan. Often. As my depression made me deteriorate more and more each day, my health got worse. Seeing a correlation between the two is obvious. But, backed up by scientific study as well. Coming home for this amount of time has been a good thing because I needed help. Badly.

Which brings me to the fun part. I'm going back to Japan at the end of March. I will begin fresh with a known expectations of Japan, a place I'm familiar going back to, and back into the arms of someone I love dearly. It will not be all roses and sunshine, but I know I'm going back with a fresh head on my shoulders. A different outlook. I feel better and I want my time in Japan to be something I don't look back on in distaste. It's funny how I keep returning to Japan. It's like we have a love affair that is a hate/love relationship. My goal is to keep this as a love relationship and not take it for granted again.

So, wow. Yeah. Back to Japan! I plan on possibly doing new 365 project. Only this one is not of myself for the whole year. This will be of life interests. Even the simplest of interests. If I decide to take a photo of the high school baseball team across the way from my apartment, I'll do it. Of course the goal is to use the camera and become extremely familiar with it. April 1st will begin my 365. They'll probably be a lot of odd shots. Some from a phone, some from a point and shoot, most from my DSLR. I'm excited. I almost want to begin it now. If anything, I might actually do it. Instead, I'll start it on the 1st of March? Let's see what happens. :)

Here is a photo of my most recent finished piece of art:

It's a mixed media piece on canvas. It's acrylic paint and pastel. I sealed the pastel with acrylic and it darkened the pastel. So, I plan to go back over it again with another coat of pastel and again seal it.
It's the first completed piece I've done in quite some time. I'm currently working on a portrait for my grandfather's friends. I should be drawing right now actually, but I'm so very tired. My sleep is been so crazy. I don't have any sort of schedule at all. I do know that I'm up until ungodly hours of the night.
Ha.

But, hey. The main thing here in my life at this moment is the fact that for the 4th time in my life, I'm going over to Japan to live yet again. I take that back, 3rd time to live, 4th time to be in the country. I just can't quit you Japan. What kind of romance did I get involved with!
I know that there is a Canadian there though that I am excited to see. Life sure does go through loops and twists and turns you never expect. I NEVER thought I'd enter Japan again. But, now I'm going back to live there for at least another year. I'm just, well, amazed. But, I should never assume anything is for sure anymore. I could end up leaving in the winter due to some outside event. The fact still remains though and that is my intentions.
I'm excited. It's like a new chapter. Time to close this one. Time to reset. Unwind. Mentally prepare and be of good spirits...to stay that way.

Just wow. Life is extremely strange. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Where will I be this time next year? I knew this time last year I was convinced I was going home at the end of March. I had just started seeing Les. Britta and Sciby were accessible friends. I was happy for a bit.
Time to make that happiness stay.