I haven't been on a picnic in god knows how long. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I ever went on a picnic. Les suggested going on one the day before, but the forecast said that it was going to rain. When I woke up the next day, it was sunny and warm in the sun. So, at the last minute we grabbed some things and made an impromptu picnic in the park near his apartment. It was just so nice. We just sat in the sun and talked while the weather was beautiful. We had plenty to watch including children playing, old Japanese men doing calisthenics, and women walking their dogs.
It was sweet and I really enjoyed it. It was just such a simple thing to do, but it makes you realize little things like that make a difference in your mood and general well being.
We spent the rest of the day trying to look for work pants for me, but that was kinda a failure. I figured it would be in a way. I hate shopping for pants. But, we found a thing we both love to do and that's books. So, we went to the new book store that opened that has a pretty good English section and we both geeked out for a while. I love having a book partner to share suggestions with. We both read similar stuff, him more sci-fi and me more the fantasy route, but it all meets in the middle honestly. I hope he likes Rendezvous with Rama that I got for his birthday. If not, it'll edit my ideas of what kind of sci-fi he likes.
This little girl was the most awesome little girl I've ever seen:
Yeah, Sunday ended up being a really nice day and evening. We also watched Troll Hunters, which is a bit more funny in the trailer, but definitely a must see if you like silly movies like that. So far I've been pretty content. Some brushes with homesickness concerning my pup, but so far just being content.
I'm so tired and sick of people who are in their adulthood, yet act like 15 year old immature teenagers. I can't stand it anymore and I'm starting to despise anyone I meet who is over the age of 30, yet cannot for the life of them get out of the selfish and immature stage of their life. They continue on this way without any disregard for people around them.
One thing that irks me the most are people who take advantage of other people to their own advantage and yet it seems they feel nothing or could care less about the welfare of those they are sucking dry. Then again, those that let them take advantage of them are also at fault.
I was one of those people. Now this burning fire in the pit of my stomach makes me really find this mentality to be such a turn off that I don't really want to have anything to do with those like this.
Maybe anger is starting to replace hurt, but I'm realizing my anger is not unjustified.
Selfish people are one's to avoid. One's that in their lifetime, once they have lost the "support" they keep attaching themselves to, are going to lose the most in their life. They will be left out by themselves and will not know how to take care of themselves or they will be forced to grow up so quickly, their mind will be a whirlwind.
Immaturity and selfishness have to be the worst traits to me right now in my life. When I speak of immaturity, I'm talking about grown adults who still play games like they are 16 and can't face up to anything. They use the "silent treatment" to approach solving a problem.
Hypocrisy goes along with this. Immaturity, selfishness, and hypocrisy seem to all join hand in hand at some point and having to deal with that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and back away from anyone showing signs of these flaws in their personality.
I sound angry, but I'm actually just quite fed up and am exhausted from those like this.
I'm done.
I'm still going at the crunches every other night. I've increased the reps to 25-30 each for each segment and so I don't use Mr. 8 minute abs anymore. So, I can listen to my music or watch a movie while doing them. This is the longest I've stuck with a workout regiment and I've started my legs not too long ago. But, I've been doing those on and off for a while now. I want to make it a regular exercise like I do my crunches. Japan makes it easy to get a bit of cardio since most of the ways I get around are on foot. I also ride my bike and I have to admit I like to dance in my apartment to music.
So, I've been doing more than I ever have when I was at home in Austin. Once weather gets a bit warmer, I plan to start up my running again. I have no excuses really to not start that now, but I just feel like I should wait until it gets a bit better outside before going at that again.
I hope I can keep this up.
I'm currently at 48kg which is about 108lbs. If I can just maintain that weight, I'll be happy. I don't want to get thinner and I don't want to gain any weight. I'm happy where I'm at now with my weight and hopefully the muscle I'm building is helping my metabolism. My string bean arms are being working on. But, they look pathetic. I still am going to include a pic of how tiny my muscles are, but I'm trying!
So, this is my stomach not too long after crunches. What makes me happy though, is that they tend to stay this way mostly now. My pudge is finally going down enough for me to notice that it's much smaller than it used to be.
This picture is a bit awkward, but it's me showing the definition in my lower stomach. Especially on the sides. I look like have no boobs in this pose. I swear it's an optical illusion.
String bean arms! But, I'm trying to make them more defined and toned. The only big thing I'm against is getting Madonna arms though. I'll be avoiding that like the plague.
I had a regular student tell me today that I looked too thin. I dunno really what to say to that except that I've been sick for quite a while now. One thing after the other has occurred lately, but I'm hopefully on the mend now. So, maybe any of that water weight or some fat will come back to my face and what not. I dunno. I think I look ok, but maybe I have a distorted image of what I look like. I'm aiming for toned. I don't want to be sickly looking. If that's the case, someone please comment. I often wonder if I have a very skewed perspective of my body.
Either way, I'll continue increasing my crunches and adding some weights on my legs to intensify that as well. I want my stomach to be BAM! for beach weather. I'm tired of always dreading bathing suit season.
Here's just a regular picture of me on Valentine's day:
I've been feeling a bit nostalgic or homesick for Texas the last week. I've been through a course of antibiotics for almost 3 weeks now. First, when I got the stomach flu. Then I had to do a second round of antibiotics for BV, and then a round of antibiotics for a UTI, bladder, and kidney infection. It seems with antibiotics, you start one and then it immediately causes your body to become out of balance somewhere else. It's been extremely frustrating.
I went to a proper gynecologist today in Osaka and I still didn't feel taken care of like I do at home, but it was better than Mr. "I'm pushing on your pelvis..."ok, that's a bladder infection" man. It's never ending illnesses here. I know it's because I'm in a foreign country which introduces new strains of bacteria, but dammit, I just want to be healthy and not have to worry about one thing after the other for a while.
I've been listening to WASP and The Cult for a while tonight. I dunno what's stroking my 80's metal bone again, but then again, I'm always turned on to 80's rock. I wish I could meet someone here who is as much a nerd for 80's rock as I am. Anyone who can giggle about me wanting to be Blackie Lawless for Halloween one year or someone who can appreciate that when I get out of the shower, my hair looks like a giant 80's hair sprayed monstrosity. I want to meet a girl who finds Zakk Wylde's and Slash's guitar stances the sexiest. I doubt I'll ever meet someone like that except my mom.
So, goes my existence. I have these strange fixations or love of things that seem to be rare in people. Or at least definitely here in Japan. Everyone has their fascination and love. I respect that and I like learning about new things from new people and learning about their obsessions. But, sometimes it's nice to have one person who has one shared obsession. Britta and I have art and then certain bands for sure. But, she is going to be busy with her cousin for the next 3 weeks and then 2 weeks later, she leaves to go back home. I'm not looking forward to it because she's sorta my wanderer buddy and someone I've grown extremely close to in only a matter of months. I can talk with her about almost anything. I'm getting caught up on who's leaving too much.
Sciby leaves in less than 20 days. That'll be another shock even though lately we haven't seen much of each other. A lot of changes are coming and I'm gearing myself up for the sudden change. A lot of people I've just recently met and finally gotten to become somewhat more than an acquaintance with are leaving in April. It's going to bring in quite a new crowd of recruits and suddenly only after 9 months, I'm gonna be pushing towards the veteran side of this job. It's amazing what the high turnover does and makes you feel like within such a small time period.
Let's hope for some good people in those groups. I'd like to meet more Brittas and more Scibys. But, I doubt it.
So, the first words out of a couple of my training group's mouths were "So, did you DTR?" I just went huh? "You know, define the relationship?" Oh.
I know that Les shares the same sentiment that this is what it is. If you enjoy each other's company, why do we have to immediately jump onto facebook and label everything right away?
I've met someone that makes me happy and also makes me feel special. I wish that this whole cyber "gotta label it" would go away, but since I do live in the real world, I guess that I might as well and just go with it. I'm not embarrassed or could even care what anyone thinks about me dating Les.
He makes me happy. Really happy.
I'm monogamous and so if I date, I date exclusively. It's just hard wired. I have friends that were all telling me to play the field and what not, but I just don't do that. I realize now I shouldn't have to apologize for being what I am or being someone who when I like someone, it's only that one person.
Of course crushes come and go, it's only if you act on it that separates you from the assholes.
I've been told I'm a serial monogamist. If so, then so be it.
I'am what I'am.
All I know for sure is I expect a lot of comments from certain people questioning me about a retarded facebook status. My answer is "In the grand scheme of things, how does this truly effect you?" I'm happy and that's all that matters. If I decide to change my status, either have something positive or funny to say or just lay off.
I even just added cranberries and some low fat granola to it and the cup is so small. I think I put in more granola and cranberries than I should have. But, god. It tastes like rotting milk! How do people eat this crap? If it doesn't start to help me, I'm nixing the stupid yogurt. I take a giant spoon or I buy the one's that are literally liquid and take them as a shot.
There's my random thought for today. I also finally found really small bottles of cranberry juice at the foreign store. C'mon natural remedies. Work like you are always are hyped up to be. Go probiotic yogurt. Go cranberries. Go cranberry juice.
Make me a normal person. I can sit and eat cranberries all day, no problem. It's the yogurt that gets me.
The last few posts have been highly negative. I should refrain from writing when I feel like punching life in the face.
And missing my dog and certain people.
I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride here. There are still major things about Japan that frustrate me beyond belief, but I've been noticing that when I came back from break in Austin, I realized I had made a home here. No matter how crappy everything started off, I had made myself a nook here and I wanted to return. All the craziness at home was becoming too much just for the 2 or so weeks I was there.
It's isolating in Kyoto, yes. But, I've been slowly coming around to meet more people. It took a while. I had to break out of my shell and break out of the "relationship" cloud I was in.
Even though Britta will be leaving at the end of March, I know I've made a lifelong friend. If I hadn't come to Japan I wouldn't have had met her. I wouldn't have gone into my training group and met all of them. Though our training group has split off, we still see each other every once in a while. Straight from the beginning of training, there was always Les. He always seemed so concerned about me. He would always go out of his way to make sure I was ok. Because c'mon, I had a shit time for the first 6 months. I met this person that was obviously one of those people everyone immediately attaches themselves to because they are so kind and caring.
Being the monogamous person, I had a crush on Les, but it was not even spoken. You can have crushes while in a relationship. I know that for a fact. It's if you act on those feelings that divides the shitheads from the people who are worth it. I had a crush on a guy named Jesse in Austin for the longest time, but I was with Stephen. I just didn't say anything. Because as someone with morals, you just don't. Vulcan brought in eye candy all the time. Avery and I crushed on a guy that we swore was a half-Asian model. He was striking. BUT! We both had boyfriends. It's all about respect. Or as Ali G says:
Anyways, I came home after Christmas with a complete scab on my heart. January went by and it was filled with friends and good times. It was filled with people I got to be around and have a good time with. I started feeling the scab on my heart shrink. I was starting to feel that everything was how it should be. I still feel that way.
But, the last thing I expected was to go out Thursday night and have my world turned literally upside down. I'm not going to spout kittens and puppies or rainbows, though some might shoot out of my eyeballs every once in a while, but I think I met a genuine person. I wasn't looking to date. Actually, it was the last thing on my mind. I thought of dating akin to something that would happen far, far down the line. Officially, Stephen and I have been broken up 3 months. Emotionally, I'm assuming it's much longer.
Well, here it is to all my 2 readers. I am dating again and it feels good. Rebound you say? Meh, I say Potato, you say Potahto. It is what it is. It's me liking someone and them liking me back. It's me kissing someone without more intention than to kiss. I forgot what just kissing felt like. I forgot what it felt like to have someone reach out and grab your hand just because they want to hold it. I forgot what it felt like for someone to look at you with a sparkle in their eye. I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated and be told I was pretty. Or that "I saw you the other day and had to do a double take." Really? Is this what it feels like to get a compliment? What do I do?
I sit and turn red and blubber my way through it. I can't talk back because I'm not used to it.
I forgot what it felt like to talk all night. I forgot what it felt like to not want to stop talking. I still have a strange reaction to the support I'm getting. I feel like someone's got my back and I didn't ask for it either. I've already laid out all my cards on the table. The history with my dad. The recent break up. (But, that's obvious) What do I get? Support. I'm going through a personal body issue that worries the hell out of me and what do I get? His mom used to be a nurse and he's already spoken with her and I got her advice from him today. His reaction to this issue? Concern and support.
He's genuine. He's caring, kind, selfless, and honest.
Yeah, I'm shooting rainbows through my eyes now, but it's the truth. I'm sure I have rose colored glasses on, but what makes me the most happy is I told my grandparents and they literally said "Well, about time."
I've told them about him from the beginning of training because he was always there to help me out. They know who he is through me conversing with them over the past 8 months. They've constantly wanted me to have someone that was a good person. When I told mama, I could here papa say while he was playing his computer game "well, about damn time."
And who is this "him" I keep saying? Well, duh. Les.
I can already hear the swarm of buzzing mouths going crazy in Austin because "Danica is dating again. Oh, after all that pain she's been through, she's already started dating." This is my proverbial fuck you to all of those people. This is my I'm not going to hide the fact I've decided to date because a certain ex is a hypocrite and erases and blocks me from facebook, yet reads my blog. This doesn't make me a bad person. It's strange how it tries to, yet I'm not doing anything wrong. At all. I think those residual feelings of the way I was always forced to feel guilty over nothing has seeped into my life and is trying to make me feel like I shouldn't be talking about it.
Screw that. After feeling like I've been cold-shouldered for so long, it's amazing what a hand being held will do.
I will forever love Britta.
It made me crack up hysterically when Les told me that when we left the karaoke joint, she pulled him aside and told him straight to his face "I want you to take her and I want you to just make out with her." I can completely imagine and hear her saying that. She's been all about this healing process and also someone who's had my back since day one.
I hope to be the same for her. I think I have, but I'll keep being there.
We are having a Valentine's dinner thing together on Sunday with a group of gals. No men allowed.
But, Monday, for the first time in god knows how long, I feel excited about Valentine's.
What gets me is that he said "I want to take you on a proper date. A real date." Not the hanging out, drinking at an Izakaya bullcrap. He wants to actually take me on a date.
Yes, I'm dating again. I'm dating Les and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Because, I've got nothing to feel guilty about. I was broken up with. I was told so many shitty things. I dealt with so much. I hope this is a turning point in my year. I hope it's the beginning of a good year and not like the shitty end-half of 2010.
I still have my cynicism's of course. How can I not? I have one bad thing happen to me after the other. So, I hold my breath slightly through all of this. If anything, all this is, is another experience that will only make me stronger. Dating is a new thing for me. It's almost brand new. So, I'm treading slowly and cautiously. As of right now, so far, so good. I feel lighthearted. And that's all I need to feel right now. My heart has been so bogged down. I embrace the change.
I'm not looking forward to tonight (the birthday party). I went back on antibiotics for an issue that popped up within the last few months that require me to not drink alcohol or have anything cooked with alcohol. I started them last night and it's been 3 doses so far. I'm kinda pissed because I just found this amazing Onigiri type of roll that is vegetable rice wrapped by some marinated tofu. I ate that as breakfast this morning and not long after, I started feeling really nauseous. I hope to god that the marinade on the tofu doesn't contain some sort of cooking wine or something strange like that.
Britta is also out of commission and won't be joining me. We went out Thursday night because for whatever reason, my job sent me to Umeda (Osaka) to work. It ended up being an all-nighter because I have Fridays off and she didn't have to work until 3pm or so the next day. She got pretty trashed and I felt so bad because it seemed to have been one of those drinking nights where the alcohol just creeps up on you and slams you on your feet.
A lot of unexpected things happened Thursday night. I'm meeting more and more people which helps with the isolated feeling I've had for so long. I work with a great gal named Rachel for just a bit on Mondays at my Shijo school and she told me that every Thursday they do karaoke in Juso. So, if anything, on Thursdays I can go into Juso where a lot of my friends live and have a good night singing. Or if you want to call it singing. My voice is gone by 2 songs. I don't get it. Then I'm left to screaming the rest of the night. guuhhh. There is a video of me on my iphone basically yelling Girls just wanna have fun and I didn't realize Rachel was saying Girls just wanna get fucked in replacement. Color me unawares...or just drunk. But, ouch. Nobody should ever here me screech like that. You can also see Britta sitting below me completely gone.
Now I'm just exhausted after a long and busy day as well and have to sit on a train for an hour to not really stay out for very long to get back on a train for another hour home. I'm not doing an all-nighter again. It's not physically possible. Since I won't be drinking, I also will get to watch everyone else get drunk slowly while sipping on my water. I'm used to that anyways at home, but now I'm pretty ok and comfortable with social drinking. It feels strange now to go out without at least having one drink. They also water that stuff down unless it's beer, which I don't drink.
Well, off to Kobe I go. It's gonna be fun times on the train. :(
Pshh.
No, I just made it on the homepage of my favorite school. I'm sitting with two really great teachers, Amy on my left and Robby on my right. Robby is hilarious. He's the one I tend to talk to the most during the shift, but Amy is also so busy with kids classes that I don't get to see her as much. Amy is from Australia and has told me quite a bit about the education system in Australia because she IS an actual English teacher. Robby is from California, somewhere near San Francisco.
The staff at this school are so great. Alice is my School Director and she is probably the most helpful and positive SD I have met. She is warm and inviting compared to some of the other SD's. It seems the smaller schools tend to have SD's who are more approachable. But, I guess at a larger school, the SD's there have even more responsibility so they tend to be a bit like "Is business. Is business time." The biggest school in the Kansai area, the Osaka Umeda School, is so large that most teachers there still have no idea who the SD is. Anyways, then there's the staff. That would be Tina, Kaoru, and Heidi. These girls are the sweetest and they crack me up constantly. Tina especially.
I feel bad I don't know that guy's name. He isn't there usually when I am and if he is, it's very brief.
This is just a random quick blurb of an entry. It was just kinda cool when I came into my shift today and Tina was showing us our photo on the main page of the school.
Otherwise, It's been a pretty regular week. Nothing exciting or new to say. I bought some frozen edemame and made my own at home. Though, cooking edemame probably is akin to pouring milk in a cereal bowl. I swear, I need to take some cooking courses. I know I can cook, but I have to have recipes. If I don't, I promise the most I could make off the top of my head is mashed potatoes.
I'm also looking forward to Baxter's b-day on Saturday. There are going to be a lot of people there I haven't ever met because they live in the Kobe area. Of course, my other half here will be joining me. If it starts to go south, her and I plan on moving ourselves to our own personal party.
Britta's cousin comes in on the 20th, so I'm of course going to be the Kyoto tour guide. I'm more than happy to do so. She's going to be here 3 weeks, so I know Britta is stoked. They plan to go to Tokyo and Korea while she's here. I'm a bit jealous because I was an idiot and took all my 5 days off during the Christmas holidays. I shouldn't have done that. But, how was I supposed to know in September that I was going to come home to a completely changed situation on the home front? Meh. I still got to see my pup and reconnect with old friends.
I've been working on my words now for the GRE. You can stop reading from here on down. I'm just writing out sentences I created using the words I memorized today. This is totally just for me.
1. When his ex-girlfriend entered the bar, he absconded to the nearest exit.
2. Her musical taste was quite aberrant compared to the rest of her class.
3. His alacrity for the job was extremely inspiring.
4. We were surprised by the anomaly of her grade point average being so low because we knew her to be extremely intelligent.
5. It's very important for a teacher to give appropriate approbation to a student.
6. The trek up the mountain was quite arduous.
7. She couldn't seem to assuage her grief over the loss of her mother.
8. Houdini was an incredibly audacious man.
9. The living room in their house was quite austere.
10. It's axiomatic that an animal must have self-preservation instincts.
