Lighthearted

I finally feel like I'm hitting my stride here. There are still major things about Japan that frustrate me beyond belief, but I've been noticing that when I came back from break in Austin, I realized I had made a home here. No matter how crappy everything started off, I had made myself a nook here and I wanted to return. All the craziness at home was becoming too much just for the 2 or so weeks I was there.
It's isolating in Kyoto, yes. But, I've been slowly coming around to meet more people. It took a while. I had to break out of my shell and break out of the "relationship" cloud I was in.

Even though Britta will be leaving at the end of March, I know I've made a lifelong friend. If I hadn't come to Japan I wouldn't have had met her. I wouldn't have gone into my training group and met all of them. Though our training group has split off, we still see each other every once in a while. Straight from the beginning of training, there was always Les. He always seemed so concerned about me. He would always go out of his way to make sure I was ok. Because c'mon, I had a shit time for the first 6 months. I met this person that was obviously one of those people everyone immediately attaches themselves to because they are so kind and caring.
Being the monogamous person, I had a crush on Les, but it was not even spoken. You can have crushes while in a relationship. I know that for a fact. It's if you act on those feelings that divides the shitheads from the people who are worth it. I had a crush on a guy named Jesse in Austin for the longest time, but I was with Stephen. I just didn't say anything. Because as someone with morals, you just don't. Vulcan brought in eye candy all the time. Avery and I crushed on a guy that we swore was a half-Asian model. He was striking. BUT! We both had boyfriends. It's all about respect. Or as Ali G says:


Anyways, I came home after Christmas with a complete scab on my heart. January went by and it was filled with friends and good times. It was filled with people I got to be around and have a good time with. I started feeling the scab on my heart shrink. I was starting to feel that everything was how it should be. I still feel that way.
But, the last thing I expected was to go out Thursday night and have my world turned literally upside down. I'm not going to spout kittens and puppies or rainbows, though some might shoot out of my eyeballs every once in a while, but I think I met a genuine person. I wasn't looking to date. Actually, it was the last thing on my mind. I thought of dating akin to something that would happen far, far down the line. Officially, Stephen and I have been broken up 3 months. Emotionally, I'm assuming it's much longer.
Well, here it is to all my 2 readers. I am dating again and it feels good. Rebound you say? Meh, I say Potato, you say Potahto. It is what it is. It's me liking someone and them liking me back. It's me kissing someone without more intention than to kiss. I forgot what just kissing felt like. I forgot what it felt like to have someone reach out and grab your hand just because they want to hold it. I forgot what it felt like for someone to look at you with a sparkle in their eye. I forgot what it felt like to be appreciated and be told I was pretty. Or that "I saw you the other day and had to do a double take." Really? Is this what it feels like to get a compliment? What do I do?
I sit and turn red and blubber my way through it. I can't talk back because I'm not used to it.

I forgot what it felt like to talk all night. I forgot what it felt like to not want to stop talking. I still have a strange reaction to the support I'm getting. I feel like someone's got my back and I didn't ask for it either. I've already laid out all my cards on the table. The history with my dad. The recent break up. (But, that's obvious) What do I get? Support. I'm going through a personal body issue that worries the hell out of me and what do I get? His mom used to be a nurse and he's already spoken with her and I got her advice from him today. His reaction to this issue? Concern and support.
He's genuine. He's caring, kind, selfless, and honest.
Yeah, I'm shooting rainbows through my eyes now, but it's the truth. I'm sure I have rose colored glasses on, but what makes me the most happy is I told my grandparents and they literally said "Well, about time."
I've told them about him from the beginning of training because he was always there to help me out. They know who he is through me conversing with them over the past 8 months. They've constantly wanted me to have someone that was a good person. When I told mama, I could here papa say while he was playing his computer game "well, about damn time."

And who is this "him" I keep saying? Well, duh. Les.

I can already hear the swarm of buzzing mouths going crazy in Austin because "Danica is dating again. Oh, after all that pain she's been through, she's already started dating." This is my proverbial fuck you to all of those people. This is my I'm not going to hide the fact I've decided to date because a certain ex is a hypocrite and erases and blocks me from facebook, yet reads my blog. This doesn't make me a bad person. It's strange how it tries to, yet I'm not doing anything wrong. At all. I think those residual feelings of the way I was always forced to feel guilty over nothing has seeped into my life and is trying to make me feel like I shouldn't be talking about it.

Screw that. After feeling like I've been cold-shouldered for so long, it's amazing what a hand being held will do.
I will forever love Britta.
It made me crack up hysterically when Les told me that when we left the karaoke joint, she pulled him aside and told him straight to his face "I want you to take her and I want you to just make out with her." I can completely imagine and hear her saying that. She's been all about this healing process and also someone who's had my back since day one.
I hope to be the same for her. I think I have, but I'll keep being there.
We are having a Valentine's dinner thing together on Sunday with a group of gals. No men allowed.
But, Monday, for the first time in god knows how long, I feel excited about Valentine's.
What gets me is that he said "I want to take you on a proper date. A real date." Not the hanging out, drinking at an Izakaya bullcrap. He wants to actually take me on a date.

Yes, I'm dating again. I'm dating Les and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. Because, I've got nothing to feel guilty about. I was broken up with. I was told so many shitty things. I dealt with so much. I hope this is a turning point in my year. I hope it's the beginning of a good year and not like the shitty end-half of 2010.

I still have my cynicism's of course. How can I not? I have one bad thing happen to me after the other. So, I hold my breath slightly through all of this. If anything, all this is, is another experience that will only make me stronger. Dating is a new thing for me. It's almost brand new. So, I'm treading slowly and cautiously. As of right now, so far, so good. I feel lighthearted. And that's all I need to feel right now. My heart has been so bogged down. I embrace the change.