Comfort in small doses. Strange how both come from Dirty Dancing. I guess your childhood favorite movies always bring some comfort whether it's the soundtrack or the movie itself. I guess I just need Patrick Swayze to come into my room and take me out of my corner.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
my vacation days are passing way too quickly
I didn't quite have to say goodbye to Brandy quite yet. I met up with her yesterday at Lakeline mall and we farted around just looking at various stores and trying on weird crap. Hence, this photo. Which is awesome:
I've been reading Jane Eyre and so I'm finding dated words coming into my vocabulary lately. I keep writing things like "hence" and "no avail." But, I'm finding myself speaking in ways that come from the Victorian era as well. It's weird how much reading a book can effect your immediate propriety of language.
Anyways, it was good to get a proper goodbye when I dropped her off at her grandma's. Unfortunately, her grandma has stage 4 lung cancer and it's spread to her lymphatic system. I don't like expecting her to come back to Texas only under the circumstances of something so upsetting. Regrettably, I'll probably be in Japan when Charlotte passes and Brandy has to make her way back here with her family. I really wish I could be here for her.
After dropping her off, I met up with Caitie at her new place. I haven't seen her in such a long time. I met her friends Maddie (sp?) and Betsy. The three of them together is hilarious. It's a whirlwind of energy from those three.
We ended up making our way to Beerland for karaoke just for old times sake. I actually had the balls to get up on stage and sing twice. I realize now though that their set up is still as shitty as ever. You can't hear yourself, so you never know or you don't feel as confident that you are on key. Either way, it was interesting. I somehow talked my mom into coming. She's always going on about doing karaoke, so she finally got her night out. But, I don't think she enjoyed it as much as getting a private room. But, I agree with her. I have the same sentiment.
My poor mom's lips are so chapped she has faux Angelina lips. I look so tired. It seems the circles under my eyes just get darker and darker. I tried sleeping a lot today, but it was really restless and now I just feel like crap. Kaya's content though.
Mama's resolution to keep some of the cold out of my room was to hang that blanket. The rest of the house seems to keep warm, but since I only have the shutters, my room tends to be freezing. The heat doesn't want to stay in.
I'm feeling really restless today, but at the same time just don't want to do anything. I guess that's why I keep writing about nothing. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied because I keep going to darker thoughts for some reason today. I guess that's why I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I've been here. As soon as I stop, I start thinking too much. It's a curse. A horrible curse. I think it's the reason for my incessant insomnia and for other faults in my personality. Once my mind starts going on one thing, it tends to not quit until some sort of outcome or resolution has been observed. If I have an idea in my mind, no matter what it is (positive or negative), it's always wheeling around in my mind. It might be one of the reason's why I'm in Japan for the third time. Once I had it in my mind that I was going to live there for at least a year, it never quit. Even when I came home after the failure of JET. It's strange because I vowed never to return to Japan after the JET debacle, but here I am now on vacation after being there for 6 months.
I was looking at return flights yesterday and it's going to cost at least $1K to come back home. After seeing this and thinking of things I need here in Austin to return home to, it's looking more and more like I might be staying until June. This time it's not really a choice, but a matter of finances. I thought I was going to save a lot more than I have and the truth is I haven't. I calculated about how much I make at my job and it's around $11 an hour. That's actually not that much when thinking about what it takes to live comfortably while in Japan and trying to save at the same time. I can't be a hermit while I'm there. I'll go insane. It's already caused me enough grief. I've already lost so much by going to Japan, so I need to somehow regain some sort of sanity.
The thing I worry about the most is though is this:
I love doggy kisses, but not when they go up my nose. Thanks Kaya. Mama and papa are both concerned as well. Papa is so concerned with me being gone another 6 months and it's effect on Kaya that I can see him toying with the idea of helping me buy my ticket home. I'm extremely concerned.
Both of them told me that after the weekend with my mom, Kaya could tell something was seriously wrong and hasn't been acting the same since. Apparently, she's been down and out and just not herself. This is what I worried about. I knew that taking Kaya away from Stephen would have an effect, but it wasn't until I saw it in the flesh that I have wondered if I've made a good decision. Mama gave me a homemade calendar of photos of Kaya for christmas. EVERY single shot of her is apparently after that weekend and each picture is just pathetic. I've never seen such an unhappy animal.
But, it's not just me and Kaya in this equation. It's Stephen as well. I don't plan to approach the subject anymore because it's an issue that's been beaten to death. When I go back to Japan for the rest of my contract, I'm leaving Kaya's welfare with my grandparents. I trust whatever decisions they make and I don't plan to question anything they do. They know Kaya just as much as I do and they love her just as much.
This entry has gotten way too long and I think I need to go exercise my mind on something else.
I've been reading Jane Eyre and so I'm finding dated words coming into my vocabulary lately. I keep writing things like "hence" and "no avail." But, I'm finding myself speaking in ways that come from the Victorian era as well. It's weird how much reading a book can effect your immediate propriety of language.
Anyways, it was good to get a proper goodbye when I dropped her off at her grandma's. Unfortunately, her grandma has stage 4 lung cancer and it's spread to her lymphatic system. I don't like expecting her to come back to Texas only under the circumstances of something so upsetting. Regrettably, I'll probably be in Japan when Charlotte passes and Brandy has to make her way back here with her family. I really wish I could be here for her.
After dropping her off, I met up with Caitie at her new place. I haven't seen her in such a long time. I met her friends Maddie (sp?) and Betsy. The three of them together is hilarious. It's a whirlwind of energy from those three.
You've gotta love Maddie's photo bomb.
We ended up making our way to Beerland for karaoke just for old times sake. I actually had the balls to get up on stage and sing twice. I realize now though that their set up is still as shitty as ever. You can't hear yourself, so you never know or you don't feel as confident that you are on key. Either way, it was interesting. I somehow talked my mom into coming. She's always going on about doing karaoke, so she finally got her night out. But, I don't think she enjoyed it as much as getting a private room. But, I agree with her. I have the same sentiment.
Mama's resolution to keep some of the cold out of my room was to hang that blanket. The rest of the house seems to keep warm, but since I only have the shutters, my room tends to be freezing. The heat doesn't want to stay in.
I'm feeling really restless today, but at the same time just don't want to do anything. I guess that's why I keep writing about nothing. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied because I keep going to darker thoughts for some reason today. I guess that's why I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I've been here. As soon as I stop, I start thinking too much. It's a curse. A horrible curse. I think it's the reason for my incessant insomnia and for other faults in my personality. Once my mind starts going on one thing, it tends to not quit until some sort of outcome or resolution has been observed. If I have an idea in my mind, no matter what it is (positive or negative), it's always wheeling around in my mind. It might be one of the reason's why I'm in Japan for the third time. Once I had it in my mind that I was going to live there for at least a year, it never quit. Even when I came home after the failure of JET. It's strange because I vowed never to return to Japan after the JET debacle, but here I am now on vacation after being there for 6 months.
I was looking at return flights yesterday and it's going to cost at least $1K to come back home. After seeing this and thinking of things I need here in Austin to return home to, it's looking more and more like I might be staying until June. This time it's not really a choice, but a matter of finances. I thought I was going to save a lot more than I have and the truth is I haven't. I calculated about how much I make at my job and it's around $11 an hour. That's actually not that much when thinking about what it takes to live comfortably while in Japan and trying to save at the same time. I can't be a hermit while I'm there. I'll go insane. It's already caused me enough grief. I've already lost so much by going to Japan, so I need to somehow regain some sort of sanity.
The thing I worry about the most is though is this:
Both of them told me that after the weekend with my mom, Kaya could tell something was seriously wrong and hasn't been acting the same since. Apparently, she's been down and out and just not herself. This is what I worried about. I knew that taking Kaya away from Stephen would have an effect, but it wasn't until I saw it in the flesh that I have wondered if I've made a good decision. Mama gave me a homemade calendar of photos of Kaya for christmas. EVERY single shot of her is apparently after that weekend and each picture is just pathetic. I've never seen such an unhappy animal.
But, it's not just me and Kaya in this equation. It's Stephen as well. I don't plan to approach the subject anymore because it's an issue that's been beaten to death. When I go back to Japan for the rest of my contract, I'm leaving Kaya's welfare with my grandparents. I trust whatever decisions they make and I don't plan to question anything they do. They know Kaya just as much as I do and they love her just as much.
This entry has gotten way too long and I think I need to go exercise my mind on something else.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Lifer
So, the last thing I expected to hear when I got off the plane on Wednesday was that Brandy was going to be in town. We both didn't know it, so it was such a wonderful surprise and it felt so good just to go hang out with my lifer. It's not some menial term when I say that either. She has been my closest friend since we were in diapers. I was due after Brandy actually, but I was born 6 weeks premature, so somehow I ended up being the older one. Either way, seeing her at least once a year, if that, does have it's frustrations. But, we've been doing it since we were 3. She moved to CA when we were 3 ad have kept up our relationship through good times and bad and we both see ourselves being old crotchety ladies together one day.
I dragged her to this "singles mixer" and boy, was it awkward. I know we showed up a bit too early. It was like 9pm and it was literally 4 people and us. They were dancing and one was dancing like he was having seizures. We stayed for about an hour just to kinda wait and see if anyone else would show but to no avail. So, we went over to Rio Rita and had a really good time there just talking. I found out so much more about her time in Africa that I was really surprised to hear didn't go as smoothly as I had thought. It actually was quite the opposite. She had the most trying and difficult time in Africa. Her experience there makes my problems in Japan sound so minuscule.
After Rio Rita, we headed back to the party and it was much more lively. They had a firepit going and we sat around it for a little while. When I went to Erin's party on Thursday, I saw a guy there I hadn't seen since high school. Lo and behold, he's sitting at the firepit. It's just strange to see someone you haven't seen in years twice in four days. While Brandy and I were walking in, I got to say hello to Jesse and his friend while they were walking out. His girl was at the firepit, but we didn't stick around. That was the extent of the people I knew there and it ended up just being really lame. No one was actually cool enough to spark up a conversation though I tried a few times. Brandy and I felt kinda like we were back at some high school party or some members only kind of shtick. I think that will be the last time I go to a "Singles mixer."
We headed home after that and sat out in the car just talking for a while longer before she headed in. I dunno when I'll see her next. It might be another year that goes by but the great thing about her is that we always pick up where we left off without any awkwardness.
I really wish we could live in the same city. Having someone like that in your life is so important.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Compiling and recording
I've been home for a couple of days now. My pup has already gotten used to me being here but does kinda get concerned when she sees if I go out. But, you can tell she knows I'll be back because I don't have two giant suitcases open next to me.
My grandma and grandpa both said that she just seems so much happier. They said that they could just see it in her face. She sleeps with me at night and we warm each other under the blankets. It feels so good to be content with her curled up into my nook.
I went to a Christmas Party at Erin's and had a good time though I feel like for a while there were times where I felt really kinda like an outsider. Brittany wasn't with PJ because she went home for the holidays and he put it in a way that kinda made absolute sense. When you don't have that person with you it feels like you kinda have lost your wallet. I think that's the way I'm feeling everyday and going around Austin right now is giving me that tightness in my chest and feeling like I lost my wallet. Only this wallet won't be found. So, I'm sure my mood wasn't exactly inviting. But, some people that showed up I hadn't seen in forever and it was nice to talk with them. Others, not so much. A few jock types showed up and I left around the time they started taking over the kitchen and screaming songs.
The good thing was that my present went over really well. I didn't think anyone would actually play it, but since it was "crazy" Japanese, everyone had a blast with it. 5 stocking are attached at the toe end. All 5 people put a stocking over their head and then you have a tug of war. The last one with the stocking on his head wins.
I forgot who said it, but it literally made me laugh til' my stomach hurt. Someone suggested going into a store or bank and trying to rob with the thing on. Just the images from that sent me into giggle fits.
A really great surprise though was that Brandy has come into town until Monday or Tuesday, so Sunday we are going to a "Singles Mixer" to just go dance and have a good time. She's been through a lot of crap with a guy that basically was talking to a girl behind her back and ended up getting engaged to this other woman literally days after he had expressed a lot of feelings for her. He'd been lying to her for at least 8 months. It makes me sick to my stomach. So, her and I are both single and as much as does hurt to talk about it, at least we can comfort each other in some way.
So far it's been an interesting couple of days. My brother's been awesome. I might be hanging out with him more than I thought. It actually makes me incredibly happy to be able to bond with him for a while before I go back to finish out the contract. After seeing Kaya and her reaction, I dunno if another year is even plausible. I think it'd be a bad idea to commit to a full year. I was really thinking about it since I have nothing attaching me here except her and family. But, now actually seeing how she's doing and apparently her behavioral changes according to my grandparents definitely are making me rethink that possibility. I think it would be best to end the contract and go to Korea and also Taiwan/Tokyo before I leave Japan for good. We'll see.
I found journals I've had since I was 17 from the beginning of when I met Stephen. I haven't read all of them, but I'm reading about how events went on from that age on all the way until June 2004. It documents so many things that I knew I should see now. I feel like maybe I was just so naive. Here in these pages, it's giving me a bit of comfort because this was me years and years ago, but it has the exact same issues I have almost 8 years later. Why didn't I have the foresight to see what this would have led to? Maybe Stephen and I both would have had moved on to find other people better suited to us at least, I dunno. Something. What I'm gonna do is compile them and then record them and print it out so I have one book where I can find all these journal entries easily. But, the only answer for all my stupidity after reading these entries is the only thing that is written after each entry. "But, I love him."
I feel like it's some sort of ridiculous Shakespearean tragedy.
Coming home over the holidays has had me come face to face with the foreseeable future in April when I come home and though it's really shitty and difficult, I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. Vulcan does feel a bit strange and foreign. But, I dunno if it's just the circumstances now. When I asked them to take Stephen off my account overseas, they didn't do it. That pissed me off quite a bit because it disrespected something really simple. Well, I did it myself and wrote on there that he was to use his own account. They can give him free movies all they want, but not on my account. It's as easy as that.
Anyways, I'll be getting onto compiling these silly journals and making something that is a quick reference for myself that is a lot of memories both good and bad. It brings more sense into the breakup.
Still, no matter how much sense is brought into it, the breakup still is one of the most painful things I've dealt with. I'm losing not my boyfriend, but I'm losing my best friend. I think that what hurts the most. I think as long as I don't hear about an engagement within the next few months, I should hopefully continuing on but at least moving farther and farther away from Nov. 22nd. That should hopefully will mean I can move on easier as time passes.
Another long entry that's just pathetically sad and lonely. But, it's a release and if anyone doesn't like reading it, then stop fucking reading it. Think what you want of me, but dealing with a breakup with a person you've known for 10 years is going to take time to get over. This just happens to help me write out some feelings and kinda make sense of everything.
My grandma and grandpa both said that she just seems so much happier. They said that they could just see it in her face. She sleeps with me at night and we warm each other under the blankets. It feels so good to be content with her curled up into my nook.
I went to a Christmas Party at Erin's and had a good time though I feel like for a while there were times where I felt really kinda like an outsider. Brittany wasn't with PJ because she went home for the holidays and he put it in a way that kinda made absolute sense. When you don't have that person with you it feels like you kinda have lost your wallet. I think that's the way I'm feeling everyday and going around Austin right now is giving me that tightness in my chest and feeling like I lost my wallet. Only this wallet won't be found. So, I'm sure my mood wasn't exactly inviting. But, some people that showed up I hadn't seen in forever and it was nice to talk with them. Others, not so much. A few jock types showed up and I left around the time they started taking over the kitchen and screaming songs.
The good thing was that my present went over really well. I didn't think anyone would actually play it, but since it was "crazy" Japanese, everyone had a blast with it. 5 stocking are attached at the toe end. All 5 people put a stocking over their head and then you have a tug of war. The last one with the stocking on his head wins.
I forgot who said it, but it literally made me laugh til' my stomach hurt. Someone suggested going into a store or bank and trying to rob with the thing on. Just the images from that sent me into giggle fits.
A really great surprise though was that Brandy has come into town until Monday or Tuesday, so Sunday we are going to a "Singles Mixer" to just go dance and have a good time. She's been through a lot of crap with a guy that basically was talking to a girl behind her back and ended up getting engaged to this other woman literally days after he had expressed a lot of feelings for her. He'd been lying to her for at least 8 months. It makes me sick to my stomach. So, her and I are both single and as much as does hurt to talk about it, at least we can comfort each other in some way.
So far it's been an interesting couple of days. My brother's been awesome. I might be hanging out with him more than I thought. It actually makes me incredibly happy to be able to bond with him for a while before I go back to finish out the contract. After seeing Kaya and her reaction, I dunno if another year is even plausible. I think it'd be a bad idea to commit to a full year. I was really thinking about it since I have nothing attaching me here except her and family. But, now actually seeing how she's doing and apparently her behavioral changes according to my grandparents definitely are making me rethink that possibility. I think it would be best to end the contract and go to Korea and also Taiwan/Tokyo before I leave Japan for good. We'll see.
I found journals I've had since I was 17 from the beginning of when I met Stephen. I haven't read all of them, but I'm reading about how events went on from that age on all the way until June 2004. It documents so many things that I knew I should see now. I feel like maybe I was just so naive. Here in these pages, it's giving me a bit of comfort because this was me years and years ago, but it has the exact same issues I have almost 8 years later. Why didn't I have the foresight to see what this would have led to? Maybe Stephen and I both would have had moved on to find other people better suited to us at least, I dunno. Something. What I'm gonna do is compile them and then record them and print it out so I have one book where I can find all these journal entries easily. But, the only answer for all my stupidity after reading these entries is the only thing that is written after each entry. "But, I love him."
I feel like it's some sort of ridiculous Shakespearean tragedy.
Coming home over the holidays has had me come face to face with the foreseeable future in April when I come home and though it's really shitty and difficult, I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. Vulcan does feel a bit strange and foreign. But, I dunno if it's just the circumstances now. When I asked them to take Stephen off my account overseas, they didn't do it. That pissed me off quite a bit because it disrespected something really simple. Well, I did it myself and wrote on there that he was to use his own account. They can give him free movies all they want, but not on my account. It's as easy as that.
Anyways, I'll be getting onto compiling these silly journals and making something that is a quick reference for myself that is a lot of memories both good and bad. It brings more sense into the breakup.
Still, no matter how much sense is brought into it, the breakup still is one of the most painful things I've dealt with. I'm losing not my boyfriend, but I'm losing my best friend. I think that what hurts the most. I think as long as I don't hear about an engagement within the next few months, I should hopefully continuing on but at least moving farther and farther away from Nov. 22nd. That should hopefully will mean I can move on easier as time passes.
Another long entry that's just pathetically sad and lonely. But, it's a release and if anyone doesn't like reading it, then stop fucking reading it. Think what you want of me, but dealing with a breakup with a person you've known for 10 years is going to take time to get over. This just happens to help me write out some feelings and kinda make sense of everything.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Welcome home!
Seeing my pup after 6 months
Sorry for the darkness. She literally went crazy for about 10 straight minutes. I don't even know. It might have been longer. But, I've never gotten so many kisses and that tail...
She's yet to leave my side except when my grandma made dinner. Right now though, I'm exhausted. I've been traveling over 36 hours and for some reason even in my own bed, can't pass out.
It's by coincidence I found out from my mom that my friend Brandy is actually coming in over the holidays!! Not for very long, but long enough to go see her. I'm so absolutely stoked and timing couldn't be more perfect.
Everything in my plans until at Monday is full. That's so good. Then after New Year's, I wanna go spend some much needed time at the farm.
We did Christmas with my sister today though when I got home because she's off to her dad's over Christmas. She loved every single Pokemon thing I got her. I also went ahead and gave everyone else there stuff.
Surprisingly, papa was the one who tried Mochi and liked it the best. I could see on my mama's face myabe she wasn't liking something about it. Guess what flavor papa likes best?
Matcha.
Looks like I'm definitely Papa's girl.
Sorry for the darkness. She literally went crazy for about 10 straight minutes. I don't even know. It might have been longer. But, I've never gotten so many kisses and that tail...
She's yet to leave my side except when my grandma made dinner. Right now though, I'm exhausted. I've been traveling over 36 hours and for some reason even in my own bed, can't pass out.
It's by coincidence I found out from my mom that my friend Brandy is actually coming in over the holidays!! Not for very long, but long enough to go see her. I'm so absolutely stoked and timing couldn't be more perfect.
Everything in my plans until at Monday is full. That's so good. Then after New Year's, I wanna go spend some much needed time at the farm.
We did Christmas with my sister today though when I got home because she's off to her dad's over Christmas. She loved every single Pokemon thing I got her. I also went ahead and gave everyone else there stuff.
Surprisingly, papa was the one who tried Mochi and liked it the best. I could see on my mama's face myabe she wasn't liking something about it. Guess what flavor papa likes best?
Matcha.
Looks like I'm definitely Papa's girl.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Vintage shopping and new appreciation for heartache
Last night I went out with Britta to a dance DJ night in Namba that one of my fellow trainees was DJing at. All in all, it was a good night. Danced, sang karaoke, and then crashed at her place.
I can say for a fact that I think that though Juso is a convenient place to live, they really jip you on the digs. My literal "bedroom" is the size of her whole entire apartment. At 9am, they started doing construction that literally shook the building. We shared her tiny bed and the poor girl can't even leave her heat on because it will add more to the already exuberant amount she pays for the place.
It makes me that much more appreciative of the set up I have in Kyoto until March. Everything is one bill and the place is decently sized for a central location in a beautiful city. I just can't complain.
We woke up and talked like girls do and finally got out and went back to Namba after taking a really nice long walk from Yodoyobashi station rather than stay on the subway. It was a beautiful day and I did get some pretty interesting video and pics from just that jaunt.
We went and explored the area and found quite a few vintage shops. I nearly died when I found a vintage 1987 David Bowie tour T-shirt, but the price was retarded and they literally were selling a Foreigner shirt for almost $150 with stains and holes. No thank you.
We did run into a few amazing places with some really interesting vintage things like old metal lunch boxes. My personal favorite was the Gremlins one that I spotted, but for the most part is was more of a window shopping outing.
I guess what kinda put me in a damper spirit by the end was that we went into a store where the guy had a long row of nothing but vintage tshirts ALL reasonably priced. None were over $20. I stumbled upon so many band tees of bands I would kill to own, but the sizes were just way too large. It was definitely a man's store. When I came across a Vintage Bee Gees t-shirt from the Staying Alive era, I nearly squealed. I wanted to buy that thing so badly.
Then it hit me.
The reason I wanted to buy it so badly was because I had in mind only one person I wanted to buy it for. I think I hit a new step in this whole process. The deep heartache.
I just put it away back on the rack and had to literally walk away from the store because a random vintage shirt started the whole process of "I must get this for!.......oh."
It feels like something silly to write about, but it kinda set me back. In a way, all day I was going into these stores and seeing things that I wanted to buy not for me, but for others. When I got to the Bee Gees shirt, I just kinda gave up.
We ended our window shopping excursion and said our goodbye's for the Holidays. She's off to Australia with her mom and I'm off back to Texas.
Off to Texas thinking about Bee Gee's tshirts and a pit in my stomach.
I can say for a fact that I think that though Juso is a convenient place to live, they really jip you on the digs. My literal "bedroom" is the size of her whole entire apartment. At 9am, they started doing construction that literally shook the building. We shared her tiny bed and the poor girl can't even leave her heat on because it will add more to the already exuberant amount she pays for the place.
It makes me that much more appreciative of the set up I have in Kyoto until March. Everything is one bill and the place is decently sized for a central location in a beautiful city. I just can't complain.
We woke up and talked like girls do and finally got out and went back to Namba after taking a really nice long walk from Yodoyobashi station rather than stay on the subway. It was a beautiful day and I did get some pretty interesting video and pics from just that jaunt.
We went and explored the area and found quite a few vintage shops. I nearly died when I found a vintage 1987 David Bowie tour T-shirt, but the price was retarded and they literally were selling a Foreigner shirt for almost $150 with stains and holes. No thank you.
We did run into a few amazing places with some really interesting vintage things like old metal lunch boxes. My personal favorite was the Gremlins one that I spotted, but for the most part is was more of a window shopping outing.
I guess what kinda put me in a damper spirit by the end was that we went into a store where the guy had a long row of nothing but vintage tshirts ALL reasonably priced. None were over $20. I stumbled upon so many band tees of bands I would kill to own, but the sizes were just way too large. It was definitely a man's store. When I came across a Vintage Bee Gees t-shirt from the Staying Alive era, I nearly squealed. I wanted to buy that thing so badly.
Then it hit me.
The reason I wanted to buy it so badly was because I had in mind only one person I wanted to buy it for. I think I hit a new step in this whole process. The deep heartache.
I just put it away back on the rack and had to literally walk away from the store because a random vintage shirt started the whole process of "I must get this for!.......oh."
It feels like something silly to write about, but it kinda set me back. In a way, all day I was going into these stores and seeing things that I wanted to buy not for me, but for others. When I got to the Bee Gees shirt, I just kinda gave up.
We ended our window shopping excursion and said our goodbye's for the Holidays. She's off to Australia with her mom and I'm off back to Texas.
Off to Texas thinking about Bee Gee's tshirts and a pit in my stomach.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The next four days
Oh goodness. The next four days are going to be hectic and I'm sure that by the time I get home on the 22nd, I'm gonna just pass out.
Tomorrow I go to work, have my semi-shitty day at my one of my least favorite schools, but then go home and get ready to go out to a dance party with good music with Britta. Brandon is DJing, so we got the invite and I'm rather excited to get out and burn off energy with her dancing. It's most likely going to turn into an all-nighter which is fine. I can crash at Britta's if worse comes to worse. Then Britta and I plan to kinda relax and hang out on Sunday.
I know I'll need it. But, I've only got so much money on me at this point because I sent it all home. So, we'll see.
Then Monday is my last day shift for a while until January something or another and then I have to go collect money owed to me by my dr. for getting my insurance updated. So, that should give me some money to put in my pocket for the next day. I'm gonna spend Monday night finishing packing and cleaning the house.
Tuesday is my most hated shift not because of the students but because of the staff. Once I run out of there, I run to my home, grab all that i've gotten ready that morning to be thrown on and off I go to Osaka to possibly stay the night in the Umeda station or Namba station until the first train for the KIX line opens. It sucks I have to do that, but it's the only way to get there in time to go through customs and what not and get on the plane. Then it's off to Tokyo for a layover and then off on a long ass flight into Dallas, where I have another layover, and finally into Austin around noon. I'm gonna be tired, need to brush my teeth, and cuddle my dog until she is fighting herself off of me.
Then homemade dinner from mama especially for me.
Trust me, I'll be gorging on queso, all the vegetarian cuisine I can find, even go try an Indian restaurant around here to compare with Japan's, and everything else. I wanna go out, do free week for sure, stay at the farm for a couple of days, and spend time with as many people as possible. That's my goal at least. I want it to be fun, I want it to be stress free, I want it to be good times.
As my schools say, "Let's Enjoy at Austin!!"
Tomorrow I go to work, have my semi-shitty day at my one of my least favorite schools, but then go home and get ready to go out to a dance party with good music with Britta. Brandon is DJing, so we got the invite and I'm rather excited to get out and burn off energy with her dancing. It's most likely going to turn into an all-nighter which is fine. I can crash at Britta's if worse comes to worse. Then Britta and I plan to kinda relax and hang out on Sunday.
I know I'll need it. But, I've only got so much money on me at this point because I sent it all home. So, we'll see.
Then Monday is my last day shift for a while until January something or another and then I have to go collect money owed to me by my dr. for getting my insurance updated. So, that should give me some money to put in my pocket for the next day. I'm gonna spend Monday night finishing packing and cleaning the house.
Tuesday is my most hated shift not because of the students but because of the staff. Once I run out of there, I run to my home, grab all that i've gotten ready that morning to be thrown on and off I go to Osaka to possibly stay the night in the Umeda station or Namba station until the first train for the KIX line opens. It sucks I have to do that, but it's the only way to get there in time to go through customs and what not and get on the plane. Then it's off to Tokyo for a layover and then off on a long ass flight into Dallas, where I have another layover, and finally into Austin around noon. I'm gonna be tired, need to brush my teeth, and cuddle my dog until she is fighting herself off of me.
Then homemade dinner from mama especially for me.
Trust me, I'll be gorging on queso, all the vegetarian cuisine I can find, even go try an Indian restaurant around here to compare with Japan's, and everything else. I wanna go out, do free week for sure, stay at the farm for a couple of days, and spend time with as many people as possible. That's my goal at least. I want it to be fun, I want it to be stress free, I want it to be good times.
As my schools say, "Let's Enjoy at Austin!!"
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Why do I bother?
Lately I'm feeling social networking sites are a joke and in the end seem to cause more problems or honestly just suck away your time for nothing. Posting to facebook of late, I feel like I'm just contributing random thoughts and videos and it just goes to some empty black void. I honestly think people couldn't give a crap about what you actually say on these sites. Then again, I'm just being a bitter betty. I'm completely guilty of spending way too much time on facebook. It's sad because while I would like to just erase it and forget about the whole social networking world, there are people on there that I seem to only have access to through it.
The story about Bill Nye really bothered me. During a speech at USC, he collapsed coming to the podium and no one did anything. What was observed was that everyone took out their phone to tweet it or post it to facebook. Fucking what is wrong with people?! The man is unconscious and yet no one goes to help him. Instead, they decide to let the world know in their interweb bullshit that "oh shit dude, Bill Nye just collapsed!" Jesus. Call an ambulance! This is what I'm finding to be so disturbing and wrong! I got a twitter account not so long ago. I've twittered maybe 10 or so times. But, the damn site is worthless to me. I see people who post literally every 5 minutes! When did it become so important to tweet "I'm eating apple pie!" WHO CARES!!!
I was talking with Britta and she doesn't have an account on facebook. Her comments were that if you keep in contact with people through regular email and you have a continual relationship going, that it should be enough and you know that this person actually cares about being your friend. The one's that don't respond, well, they must not care too much. I'll be honest. I have contradictory feelings about it all. I want to keep it because there are people on facebook I only have access to because of it, but we don't speak regularly.
Then again, it's almost just a site that allows you in a way to be a voyeur in someones life. Someone you may find interesting, but nonetheless, all you are is a voyeur.
On the flip side, you can keep in contact with people and share photos, interests, and things going on in your life. But as of late, I'm finding the pay off not worth it.
That's why I feel so conflicted to get rid of the thing. Being in Japan, it's that more difficult. I have family and friends I find easier to keep in contact because of facebook. But, honestly, I'm finding it to be more and more just something that I find myself on too often and looking for honestly, some strange acknowledgment from other people. Why? Why do I need that? I'll email someone and get nothing back. It's a slap in the face sometimes especially when you see them post something an hour later. I don't understand the social networking etiquette.
I also can't understand the people who literally have over 500 friends. I mean really, do you talk to these 500 people in real life? I know of someone who has over 1000. I understand the need for networking, especially in certain jobs like the one I went to school for. But, god.
I went through my friends recently and got rid of everyone I hadn't talked to in more than a year, have no connection at all besides facebook and mutual friends, and the people who I think just add you to get their friend number so high that they feel maybe better about themselves. I still have some people on my profile that I solely keep because I do care about what's going on in their life, but we don't have regular communication. There goes again the whole contradiction of exactly what I have just argued against. It's something I keep going in circles about and it's stupid that I even care this much to write a blog entry about the whole thing.
I really am being quite negative, I know. I know the arguments against everything I've said and I do agree with some of them. I know the need for networking. I do know some people really actually do have quite a large amount of friends they have a connection with. I do know that facebook keeps them in touch with people from their hometowns and having connections with old acquaintances and friends from the past that is important to them. Yes, I understand this and this is why I find myself going back and forth.
I'm feeling like when I post anything, nobody really truly gives a shit. It's just another addition to "the wall." If I email someone and weeks go by without a response, what the hell is the point?
It's caused rifts between people because they hit the delete button on someone from their account even though they never speak or have anything to say to each other. From personal experience, it's caused quite a disturbance being in a relationship. I wish that sometimes that we could go back to a time when having friends was easy as a phone call. That's a whole other issue I find to be extraordinarily confusing. You will call a person and they don't pick up. Then you text them, and voila! You get an immediate response. Huh? So, you know they have their phone, but don't have the strange capacity to pick up the phone call and have a conversation.
I honestly feel that when I come home from Japan in April that it might be best I delete my account. It'd make more sense to network through more legitimate resources. But, there is still that piece of me that understands facebook does offer that in a way and I would lose one connection to people I do enjoy seeing what goes on in their life.
Just as always, I find myself circling the issue.
The story about Bill Nye really bothered me. During a speech at USC, he collapsed coming to the podium and no one did anything. What was observed was that everyone took out their phone to tweet it or post it to facebook. Fucking what is wrong with people?! The man is unconscious and yet no one goes to help him. Instead, they decide to let the world know in their interweb bullshit that "oh shit dude, Bill Nye just collapsed!" Jesus. Call an ambulance! This is what I'm finding to be so disturbing and wrong! I got a twitter account not so long ago. I've twittered maybe 10 or so times. But, the damn site is worthless to me. I see people who post literally every 5 minutes! When did it become so important to tweet "I'm eating apple pie!" WHO CARES!!!
I was talking with Britta and she doesn't have an account on facebook. Her comments were that if you keep in contact with people through regular email and you have a continual relationship going, that it should be enough and you know that this person actually cares about being your friend. The one's that don't respond, well, they must not care too much. I'll be honest. I have contradictory feelings about it all. I want to keep it because there are people on facebook I only have access to because of it, but we don't speak regularly.
Then again, it's almost just a site that allows you in a way to be a voyeur in someones life. Someone you may find interesting, but nonetheless, all you are is a voyeur.
On the flip side, you can keep in contact with people and share photos, interests, and things going on in your life. But as of late, I'm finding the pay off not worth it.
That's why I feel so conflicted to get rid of the thing. Being in Japan, it's that more difficult. I have family and friends I find easier to keep in contact because of facebook. But, honestly, I'm finding it to be more and more just something that I find myself on too often and looking for honestly, some strange acknowledgment from other people. Why? Why do I need that? I'll email someone and get nothing back. It's a slap in the face sometimes especially when you see them post something an hour later. I don't understand the social networking etiquette.
I also can't understand the people who literally have over 500 friends. I mean really, do you talk to these 500 people in real life? I know of someone who has over 1000. I understand the need for networking, especially in certain jobs like the one I went to school for. But, god.
I went through my friends recently and got rid of everyone I hadn't talked to in more than a year, have no connection at all besides facebook and mutual friends, and the people who I think just add you to get their friend number so high that they feel maybe better about themselves. I still have some people on my profile that I solely keep because I do care about what's going on in their life, but we don't have regular communication. There goes again the whole contradiction of exactly what I have just argued against. It's something I keep going in circles about and it's stupid that I even care this much to write a blog entry about the whole thing.
I really am being quite negative, I know. I know the arguments against everything I've said and I do agree with some of them. I know the need for networking. I do know some people really actually do have quite a large amount of friends they have a connection with. I do know that facebook keeps them in touch with people from their hometowns and having connections with old acquaintances and friends from the past that is important to them. Yes, I understand this and this is why I find myself going back and forth.
I'm feeling like when I post anything, nobody really truly gives a shit. It's just another addition to "the wall." If I email someone and weeks go by without a response, what the hell is the point?
It's caused rifts between people because they hit the delete button on someone from their account even though they never speak or have anything to say to each other. From personal experience, it's caused quite a disturbance being in a relationship. I wish that sometimes that we could go back to a time when having friends was easy as a phone call. That's a whole other issue I find to be extraordinarily confusing. You will call a person and they don't pick up. Then you text them, and voila! You get an immediate response. Huh? So, you know they have their phone, but don't have the strange capacity to pick up the phone call and have a conversation.
I honestly feel that when I come home from Japan in April that it might be best I delete my account. It'd make more sense to network through more legitimate resources. But, there is still that piece of me that understands facebook does offer that in a way and I would lose one connection to people I do enjoy seeing what goes on in their life.
Just as always, I find myself circling the issue.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Holy crap.
So, I had to get another 3 months of my anti-anxiety medication and went back to the nice doctor who gives me 3 months worth of medication at one time. It's awesome and so cheap.
Well, I've been sleeping like shit per usual and probably more so now than any other time from all that's happened recently in my life. So, I asked about sleep meds. He was totally cool and was like, "Oh, so you have trouble sleeping?" Yes sir, I really do. I explained my hard time with it over the years and he just nodded and pulled out this big thing of different sleep meds listed on it.
He then went on to explain that he wants to prescribe me Maesuli? Something like that for those nights I have a bit of a hard time, but it isn't dire. Then he prescribed me rohipnol. I was like, uh, you sure that's a good idea? He laughed and told me about the story of when another foreigner explained to him that in western countries it's used for rape. He seemed concerned, but he said that I only should take it when I am home and know I have a good 8 hours of rest time ahead of me.
Uh yeah!! No shit.
So, I now have a prescription for Maesuli. So, I had no idea what the hell maesuli (sounds like my-soo-lee) was, so I looked it up. Guess what. It's ambien. 10mg. Same as what I was on at home. I'm a bit worried because ambien and I didn't have a good relationship because I was a retard and abused it.
But, I think I really need the sleep aid. I'm a bit anxious about the rohipnol. I'll try half a tablet tonight and see how it goes and then decide what's best.
Just wow. I walked out of the doctor's today and basically could be mistaken for a mini drug lord. Yowch.
Well, I've been sleeping like shit per usual and probably more so now than any other time from all that's happened recently in my life. So, I asked about sleep meds. He was totally cool and was like, "Oh, so you have trouble sleeping?" Yes sir, I really do. I explained my hard time with it over the years and he just nodded and pulled out this big thing of different sleep meds listed on it.
He then went on to explain that he wants to prescribe me Maesuli? Something like that for those nights I have a bit of a hard time, but it isn't dire. Then he prescribed me rohipnol. I was like, uh, you sure that's a good idea? He laughed and told me about the story of when another foreigner explained to him that in western countries it's used for rape. He seemed concerned, but he said that I only should take it when I am home and know I have a good 8 hours of rest time ahead of me.
Uh yeah!! No shit.
So, I now have a prescription for Maesuli. So, I had no idea what the hell maesuli (sounds like my-soo-lee) was, so I looked it up. Guess what. It's ambien. 10mg. Same as what I was on at home. I'm a bit worried because ambien and I didn't have a good relationship because I was a retard and abused it.
But, I think I really need the sleep aid. I'm a bit anxious about the rohipnol. I'll try half a tablet tonight and see how it goes and then decide what's best.
Just wow. I walked out of the doctor's today and basically could be mistaken for a mini drug lord. Yowch.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It hurt, but I needed to hear it
So, I had a last phone conversation (at least for quite some time) with my ex the night before last. I approached it calmly and he did as well because I think we are probably just exhausted from the whole thing. It seemed like the most honest conversation we've ever had and as much as I hated to hear everything he had to say, I needed to hear it. For some reason, I was grasping on to this hope that when all was done and through with me being overseas, that a reconciliation could happen. He was very clear this wasn't going to happen and it was very clear that in the future if/when he marries, I won't be that person. It sounds harsh, but it wasn't said in a way that was intended to hurt. It hurts just because of what it is.
A lot of what was said hurt because of just what it is. Brutal honesty. I think it hit me deep and in a way kinda took away the cloud really making me feel like we could have a future someday. I do think we can have a future someday, but as friends. I dunno how long it would take to reach that point, but I know it won't be for some time. Even though he will be gone from my life now, he still will always be my best friend.
I hate how your heart and your head fight. I was thinking about it earlier and after the conversation and me basically just breaking completely apart during it, I understand now that we were an unhealthy couple. We were driving each other crazy. Of course the good times were good, but there were issues that simply can't be fixed with time. An essential part to a relationship is trust. If it's broken, it's so hard to fix it. I've been carrying with me the mistrust that was created in our relationship from 7 years ago. But, we both mutually agreed we both did our part in breaking each other's trust in one way or another.
As much as I know now that this is for the better, I still know myself. I'm going to have really bad days where I'll just want him to be there. I know that when I hear about his new girlfriend, it's going to be very dark days. I know that I'm gonna yearn for him to come to see a dog we both raised. It's going to be fucking hard. But, he's right. We aren't healthy for each other.
Time is said to heal wounds and I do believe that. But, I think this wound might take longer than most. I'm expecting my rollercoaster of emotions and I know it's going to be hard. But, fuck. If I can live through the times of my father and also live through going alone to live in a foreign country and have everything turn to shit while I'm here, I might as well battle this one out too.
When those extremely trying times come that are about him, I need to come back and read this entry.
I need to remember that we weren't healthy and it's been an unhealthy relationship for some time now.
I've got to remember that.
Brutal honesty is what I got and though it was one of the most painful nights of my life, it cleared my head a bit and put things into a much needed perspective.
A lot of what was said hurt because of just what it is. Brutal honesty. I think it hit me deep and in a way kinda took away the cloud really making me feel like we could have a future someday. I do think we can have a future someday, but as friends. I dunno how long it would take to reach that point, but I know it won't be for some time. Even though he will be gone from my life now, he still will always be my best friend.
I hate how your heart and your head fight. I was thinking about it earlier and after the conversation and me basically just breaking completely apart during it, I understand now that we were an unhealthy couple. We were driving each other crazy. Of course the good times were good, but there were issues that simply can't be fixed with time. An essential part to a relationship is trust. If it's broken, it's so hard to fix it. I've been carrying with me the mistrust that was created in our relationship from 7 years ago. But, we both mutually agreed we both did our part in breaking each other's trust in one way or another.
As much as I know now that this is for the better, I still know myself. I'm going to have really bad days where I'll just want him to be there. I know that when I hear about his new girlfriend, it's going to be very dark days. I know that I'm gonna yearn for him to come to see a dog we both raised. It's going to be fucking hard. But, he's right. We aren't healthy for each other.
Time is said to heal wounds and I do believe that. But, I think this wound might take longer than most. I'm expecting my rollercoaster of emotions and I know it's going to be hard. But, fuck. If I can live through the times of my father and also live through going alone to live in a foreign country and have everything turn to shit while I'm here, I might as well battle this one out too.
When those extremely trying times come that are about him, I need to come back and read this entry.
I need to remember that we weren't healthy and it's been an unhealthy relationship for some time now.
I've got to remember that.
Brutal honesty is what I got and though it was one of the most painful nights of my life, it cleared my head a bit and put things into a much needed perspective.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Mama #2
Still working on it. Thank you insomnia. Gotta finish hair and shading and some tweakage to the features. It's been years since I've sat down and done a proper pencil portrait. I'm rusty, but it feels good to go at it again.
*lower the hair line a bit more
*finish nose
*tweak mouth
*finish hair
(sorry, just notes for me)
Mama
I haven't done a portrait with pencil in god knows how long. I think it's been years now. So, I may be a bit rusty. I started drawing mama today (grandma for people that don't know me and well, I doubt anybody reads this thing anyways) and so far it's a very, very preliminary sketch. I need to tweak and shade some more. I need to get the other eye in because in portraits, to me it's all about the eyes. If the eyes aren't right, you don't have a good portrait. Period.
So, I have to make sure her eyes are spot on and then from there it should be fairly simple getting the rest of the features in line with her eyes. The face feels a bit wide without that other eye, but I'm pretty sure once I draw it in, it won't be so distracting. I like looking at photos of process though. I can take a look at this tomorrow and know where to pick up again and go. It feels good to get pencil to paper. I haven't done it in so long.
This is from a photo when my grandma was in high school. So, her hair is a mass of curls in a 1950's-60's bob. The more I look at her photo, the more I see how many freckles she had! It makes me happy because I can see that maybe that's where my odd patches of freckles come from. I hope I can do this really well and make her proud.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
My mind is all over the place
I have the day off today. I don't have any intention of going anywhere because I'm not in the mood to really do anything. I know it's a bad idea because then I sit in my apt. and my mind starts jumping around to everything. It's constantly preoccupied with bad thoughts and nervousness in my stomach. I'm waiting for the next bomb to drop. The next kick to my stomach.
It's getting really cold to the point now that just sitting and waiting for the train results in me chattering my teeth. I know it's only going to get colder, but I really don't mind. I like winter. I like layering up and the thought of sitting with a hot drink and a good book under a blanket soothe me. Unfortunately, this all takes place in my mind on the couch at the farm where everything is quiet. When I come home for the holidays, I plan on taking my dog, book, camera, and just staying away from the city for a couple of days. My family's farm is a solace for me. I like embracing my german heritage there and seeing all the old things that lay around the house. I never want to lose it.
I'm gonna start working on a portrait. I'm gonna push myself to make my mind work on something that will be productive versus having my mind wander towards all the bad thoughts surrounding something I have no control over. It's the most devastating feeling knowing that you are the only one hurting while the other can just get over it so quickly. Only a few things allow for someone to be that quick to recovery and that's why my mind goes to all those negative places.
But then, in contrast, I think of the future. I talked to my friend Dan last night and he helped me out with a plan for the fall semester. He's like a superpower when it comes to knowing UT inside and out, so his help is so appreciated. He's going to help me figure out a good schedule that would up my GPA while also getting me the coursework that would help push my foot in the door in the info science dept. While doing all that, I want to and will be studying for the GRE. I need a math tutor. It might be all in vain and I won't be accepted to the graduate program at UT, but maybe it doesn't have to be UT. If UT is #1 in archival studies, where is #2? 3? 4? I will apply to as many grad programs as possible and hope for the best.
While doing that, I still want to do videography for the festivals around town. I know I'm good to do it for the Austin Film Festival, but for the others, I will have to go about trying to network as best I can. I realize I relied on my ex for that. I should have been doing it myself and making these connections myself. Though, I dunno if he would be as cruel as to throw a wrench in that for me. But, you never know. It's just one of the many negative head spaces I keep going to. How is this going to effect my future and the things I love to do?? Mutual things I love to do? I guess only time can tell and I need to stop letting it take over my mind set here. I'm obviously in a bad place right now. Nobody needs this baggage.
It's getting really cold to the point now that just sitting and waiting for the train results in me chattering my teeth. I know it's only going to get colder, but I really don't mind. I like winter. I like layering up and the thought of sitting with a hot drink and a good book under a blanket soothe me. Unfortunately, this all takes place in my mind on the couch at the farm where everything is quiet. When I come home for the holidays, I plan on taking my dog, book, camera, and just staying away from the city for a couple of days. My family's farm is a solace for me. I like embracing my german heritage there and seeing all the old things that lay around the house. I never want to lose it.
I'm gonna start working on a portrait. I'm gonna push myself to make my mind work on something that will be productive versus having my mind wander towards all the bad thoughts surrounding something I have no control over. It's the most devastating feeling knowing that you are the only one hurting while the other can just get over it so quickly. Only a few things allow for someone to be that quick to recovery and that's why my mind goes to all those negative places.
But then, in contrast, I think of the future. I talked to my friend Dan last night and he helped me out with a plan for the fall semester. He's like a superpower when it comes to knowing UT inside and out, so his help is so appreciated. He's going to help me figure out a good schedule that would up my GPA while also getting me the coursework that would help push my foot in the door in the info science dept. While doing all that, I want to and will be studying for the GRE. I need a math tutor. It might be all in vain and I won't be accepted to the graduate program at UT, but maybe it doesn't have to be UT. If UT is #1 in archival studies, where is #2? 3? 4? I will apply to as many grad programs as possible and hope for the best.
While doing that, I still want to do videography for the festivals around town. I know I'm good to do it for the Austin Film Festival, but for the others, I will have to go about trying to network as best I can. I realize I relied on my ex for that. I should have been doing it myself and making these connections myself. Though, I dunno if he would be as cruel as to throw a wrench in that for me. But, you never know. It's just one of the many negative head spaces I keep going to. How is this going to effect my future and the things I love to do?? Mutual things I love to do? I guess only time can tell and I need to stop letting it take over my mind set here. I'm obviously in a bad place right now. Nobody needs this baggage.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Finally breakin' through
I want to start up my jogging again, but the weather is so cold by the time I get home that it seems I'm psyching myself out. I've never ran in cold weather before, so I guess it's a trial and error type of thing I'll have to do. I want to keep fit and let my body run out all the bad energy. I wish they had an affordable gym here in Kyoto. Or even just a small one like we do in Texas. But, no. It's either you pay at least 10000 yen a month or take it to the streets.
Also, just because Japanese women have these fantastic lean bodies doesn't mean they eat well. Japan is filled with refined sugar, the sodium in everything is sky high, and everything is processed. It's so strange that a country you think eats really healthy and gave us tofu would be a bit more health conscience of their food. If it's not fried, it's slathered in mayo. To eat here, you really have to go the extra mile to buy your own food from the supermarkets and pay a bit extra for that oatmeal.
Buying fresh veggies is great, but you are limited to in season veggies. Fruit is so expensive that you start to long for something that at home you'd pass up for something else.
I think Japanese women are some kind of mutant super humanoids who can process the worst kind of food and it does nothing to their tiny frames. It can really tick you off sometimes when you have your small cup of plain vanilla non-fat yogurt in front of you while the girl across the way has gotten a massive bowl of all the different flavors with m&m's, oreos, and chocolate sauce all over it. How? Just how? Another mystery to the land I'm living in.
Monday, December 6, 2010
6 months in
I've been in Japan six months now. I have to say it has been the most trying six months of my entire life. It all started off badly and kinda set the tone for the months to come when my car was stolen literally the day before I left.
Now it has claimed my long term relationship. It's over and there's no cosmic superglue that would put this back together. If I could start over or if I could go to the origin of when things started going sour, I would and change it. But, since time doesn't move backwards and never will, I have to be pushed forward. I'm in a grieving state. I feel like I've lost a leg or that my great grandpa has died all over again. I feel helpless. Sadness is the only feeling that seems to overwhelm me and I can't see through to the other side of the haze. I have everyone telling me "Things will get better" and "Hang in there." When people say that to me, I just want to yell "I'M NOT OK!!!!"
I know they have good intentions. I know they are trying some way to comfort me, but I feel so broken. I can look back on this relationship and see exactly where things should have changed or the reasons why it didn't work out. You don't spend a decade with a person and have it end easily. He's so tangled in the web of my life that Austin is going to be a mine field of memories waiting to slap me in the face. And god, when I see him or run into him, I can already feel my stomach dropping to the floor. I'm in extreme nauseous pain. I start bursting into tears randomly. All my interests have left me. I don't even care about watching movies much right now... and that's something I do regularly.
I need to start finding ways to keep myself busy, but with what? I am going to pick up my portraiture again, but even that is hard to start up again. All I want to do right now is go home, curl into a tight ball with my pup, and not leave the room until enough time has passed that I can get up and move on. I could start exercising again, but memberships to fitness clubs here are so expensive. It's become too cold to run outside here. I do my crunch exercises, but it''s pointless to do an exercise that only focuses on one part of the body. But, I still keep doing them.
It's only been 2 weeks now since we broke up and I am losing weight because of the anxiety and lack of appetite I have because of this. It's unhealthy the way my mind and my body are fighting because your heart is in so much pain.
I know whatever happens is for the best. It's the moment I see him with another girl that it will be a soccer punch to my gut.
I just need to get through two more weeeks and then I can be on a flight home to be with my family. I absolutely need it and then I will return here for just 3 more months and I can return back to Austin. I miss my home. I miss it so incredibly much.
Now it has claimed my long term relationship. It's over and there's no cosmic superglue that would put this back together. If I could start over or if I could go to the origin of when things started going sour, I would and change it. But, since time doesn't move backwards and never will, I have to be pushed forward. I'm in a grieving state. I feel like I've lost a leg or that my great grandpa has died all over again. I feel helpless. Sadness is the only feeling that seems to overwhelm me and I can't see through to the other side of the haze. I have everyone telling me "Things will get better" and "Hang in there." When people say that to me, I just want to yell "I'M NOT OK!!!!"
I know they have good intentions. I know they are trying some way to comfort me, but I feel so broken. I can look back on this relationship and see exactly where things should have changed or the reasons why it didn't work out. You don't spend a decade with a person and have it end easily. He's so tangled in the web of my life that Austin is going to be a mine field of memories waiting to slap me in the face. And god, when I see him or run into him, I can already feel my stomach dropping to the floor. I'm in extreme nauseous pain. I start bursting into tears randomly. All my interests have left me. I don't even care about watching movies much right now... and that's something I do regularly.
I need to start finding ways to keep myself busy, but with what? I am going to pick up my portraiture again, but even that is hard to start up again. All I want to do right now is go home, curl into a tight ball with my pup, and not leave the room until enough time has passed that I can get up and move on. I could start exercising again, but memberships to fitness clubs here are so expensive. It's become too cold to run outside here. I do my crunch exercises, but it''s pointless to do an exercise that only focuses on one part of the body. But, I still keep doing them.
It's only been 2 weeks now since we broke up and I am losing weight because of the anxiety and lack of appetite I have because of this. It's unhealthy the way my mind and my body are fighting because your heart is in so much pain.
I know whatever happens is for the best. It's the moment I see him with another girl that it will be a soccer punch to my gut.
I just need to get through two more weeeks and then I can be on a flight home to be with my family. I absolutely need it and then I will return here for just 3 more months and I can return back to Austin. I miss my home. I miss it so incredibly much.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
OH good lord
After the last month, I'm not in a good way. So, last night my friend Britta and Sciby took me out and I met up with Britta first in Juso. We found this amazing rock bar that we stayed at for a couple of hours just talking and enjoying the music. Everything was great and I was looking forward to the rest of my night.
I wanted to show Britta this karaoke bar that Sciby had shown me a few times before. It's called Kama Sutra and it's just a hell of a lot of fun. We met up with Sciby and he took us there and I introduced the place to Britta as well as introducing the crazy and funny owner who has shot up with Layne Staley.
We all started ordering drinks and it was fine. Then I ordered a long island ice tea.
That's when things started going not so great. I was having a good time belting out songs and also singing Alice in Chains with the bar owner and then BOOM. Hello drunkiness I've never felt before. Wow, you make me feel a little to woozy. I rushed to the restroom and bam! The first time I've ever thrown up because of alcohol. I felt less like singing and more like laying down at that point.
The odd thing that happened afterwards was that I did sing a song with Britta and apparently some marines or US air force guys came in and started trying to take over the bar. One sat next to me and said at least 3 times. "You're beautiful." I just completely ignored it especially in my extreme drunken state. I couldn't even see straight.
Then he put his arm around me. I leaned forward and leaned towards Britta to keep singing and that's when he freaking started moving his hand around and grabbed my ass! That I CAN remember. The next thing I know though, is that he's disappeared. I was too drunk to really react and just moved in closer to Britta and then layed my head on the table. I found out what happened to the guy after we left the bar.
But, I'll save that for the end of this odd entry. After laying my head on the table for a good while, I stood up and uh-oh. Here it comes. I gracefully cover my mouth and start vomiting inside my hand. I make it just in time to the restroom to let it all out in the squatter they have. Ugh.
By that time, Britta and Sciby both felt we should go to a quieter bar and I barely could walk. They were helping me down the hallway and (this is an interesting thing about Japanese bars. It's like an apartment complex where you can just walk down the hall to the next bar. It's interesting but the bars tend to be much smaller than at home.) I basically collapsed on the couch and I could make out conversations between Britta and a guy who apparently works for ECC as well. I've never seen him, or maybe I have but my alcohol goggles made it impossible. I layed there for quite a while and then I was told, Ok, we could head for the first train now.
(If you go out for a night on the town, you either leave on the last train around 12 or you are forced to stay out until 5am. The good thing is that most bars and karaoke places stay open to accommodate those that have no where to go.)
So, I get up, and oop. Here it comes again. This time some guy went into the bathroom right as I needed to puke and was forced to do the hand thing again and puke it out down the hallway.
What's great about this night is that even though I was a pukey drunken mess, Britta and Sciby weren't phased by it at all. They were wonderful friends and really just were there to let me take out my bad feelings on alcohol. In hindsight, not such a good idea, but they were still there to be supportive.
And that's where I come to the Air force guy who so gently grabbed my ass. As we were walking to the station I told Britta and Sciby what had happened. Britta was like "Oh jesus! EW!"
Sciby was very nonchalant and just said "Yeah, I grabbed him and took him out and had a talk with him." So, Sciby apparently had seen this guy acting a bit too sly on me and took him out of the picture. He didn't fight him, but he had some words. That really made me feel safe and like these two people I were with tonight were really there to watch my back and take care of me through everything. I honestly can't thank them enough and I wish they had some sort of "you are the bestest friend" cake or card or something silly like that to give to them that would actually convey my appreciation.
Two people have now seen me have my first really bad way with alcohol. I do know for sure this is something I don't ever want to revisit. It's 1pm now and I still feel like shit. I took aspirin and have glugged water, but my head feels like it was hit by a train. My tummy also seems to be very testy.
So, this entry is dedicated to my poor liver and my tummy and I promise I won't ever do that to you ever again.
How the hell do people who drink every night do this? Don't they feel like shit every single morning they wake up? They may not get to the point I did, but hell. It still seems like something I wouldn't ever be able to handle.
Thanks Britta and Sciby. You both are the best friends that I needed and it took an ocean away from home to find you guys.
I wanted to show Britta this karaoke bar that Sciby had shown me a few times before. It's called Kama Sutra and it's just a hell of a lot of fun. We met up with Sciby and he took us there and I introduced the place to Britta as well as introducing the crazy and funny owner who has shot up with Layne Staley.
We all started ordering drinks and it was fine. Then I ordered a long island ice tea.
That's when things started going not so great. I was having a good time belting out songs and also singing Alice in Chains with the bar owner and then BOOM. Hello drunkiness I've never felt before. Wow, you make me feel a little to woozy. I rushed to the restroom and bam! The first time I've ever thrown up because of alcohol. I felt less like singing and more like laying down at that point.
The odd thing that happened afterwards was that I did sing a song with Britta and apparently some marines or US air force guys came in and started trying to take over the bar. One sat next to me and said at least 3 times. "You're beautiful." I just completely ignored it especially in my extreme drunken state. I couldn't even see straight.
Then he put his arm around me. I leaned forward and leaned towards Britta to keep singing and that's when he freaking started moving his hand around and grabbed my ass! That I CAN remember. The next thing I know though, is that he's disappeared. I was too drunk to really react and just moved in closer to Britta and then layed my head on the table. I found out what happened to the guy after we left the bar.
But, I'll save that for the end of this odd entry. After laying my head on the table for a good while, I stood up and uh-oh. Here it comes. I gracefully cover my mouth and start vomiting inside my hand. I make it just in time to the restroom to let it all out in the squatter they have. Ugh.
By that time, Britta and Sciby both felt we should go to a quieter bar and I barely could walk. They were helping me down the hallway and (this is an interesting thing about Japanese bars. It's like an apartment complex where you can just walk down the hall to the next bar. It's interesting but the bars tend to be much smaller than at home.) I basically collapsed on the couch and I could make out conversations between Britta and a guy who apparently works for ECC as well. I've never seen him, or maybe I have but my alcohol goggles made it impossible. I layed there for quite a while and then I was told, Ok, we could head for the first train now.
(If you go out for a night on the town, you either leave on the last train around 12 or you are forced to stay out until 5am. The good thing is that most bars and karaoke places stay open to accommodate those that have no where to go.)
So, I get up, and oop. Here it comes again. This time some guy went into the bathroom right as I needed to puke and was forced to do the hand thing again and puke it out down the hallway.
What's great about this night is that even though I was a pukey drunken mess, Britta and Sciby weren't phased by it at all. They were wonderful friends and really just were there to let me take out my bad feelings on alcohol. In hindsight, not such a good idea, but they were still there to be supportive.
And that's where I come to the Air force guy who so gently grabbed my ass. As we were walking to the station I told Britta and Sciby what had happened. Britta was like "Oh jesus! EW!"
Sciby was very nonchalant and just said "Yeah, I grabbed him and took him out and had a talk with him." So, Sciby apparently had seen this guy acting a bit too sly on me and took him out of the picture. He didn't fight him, but he had some words. That really made me feel safe and like these two people I were with tonight were really there to watch my back and take care of me through everything. I honestly can't thank them enough and I wish they had some sort of "you are the bestest friend" cake or card or something silly like that to give to them that would actually convey my appreciation.
Two people have now seen me have my first really bad way with alcohol. I do know for sure this is something I don't ever want to revisit. It's 1pm now and I still feel like shit. I took aspirin and have glugged water, but my head feels like it was hit by a train. My tummy also seems to be very testy.
So, this entry is dedicated to my poor liver and my tummy and I promise I won't ever do that to you ever again.
How the hell do people who drink every night do this? Don't they feel like shit every single morning they wake up? They may not get to the point I did, but hell. It still seems like something I wouldn't ever be able to handle.
Thanks Britta and Sciby. You both are the best friends that I needed and it took an ocean away from home to find you guys.
Friday, September 17, 2010
In my time as a Videographer...
I've been able to see some amazing people. Stephen and I were discussing the list and I'm a bit shocked at the amount of people I've seen. Some I've met, some I've seen up close and personal, some I actually filmed doing a skit for the Alamo, some I got a picture with, and some were seeing as I passed by. It's always fun to spot a celeb, but some actually are cool as shit.
Robert Downey Jr.
John Favreau
Dolph Lundgren
Mike White
Sam Rockwell
Jermaine Clement
Paul Rudd
Ethan Hawke
Nick Stahl
Val Kilmer
Jared Leto
Julie Delpy
Elijah Wood
Charlie Hunnam
Claire Forlani
Bruce Campbell
Kieran Culkan
Emma Stone
Sydney Pollock
James Cromwell
Francis Ford Coppolla
David Bowie
Seth Rogan
Danny Mcbride
Anna Farris
Woody Harrelson
Jesse Eisenberg
Jonah Hill
Michael Rapaport
Michael Angarano
Patton Oswalt
Zach Galifianakis
David Cross
John C. Reilly
Matthew McConaughey
Rory Cochrane
Jason London
Joey Lauren Adams
Parker Posey
William Fichtner
Juliet Lewis
Eli Roth
Sean William Scott
Michael Showalter
Michael Ian Black
David Wain
Sam Raimi
Will Patton
Tom Six
Judd Apatow
Luke Wilson
Andrew Wilson
Dax Shepard
Duncan Jones
Martin Starr
That's all I can remember at the moment... I'll add on as I remember more.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The generation of the misinformed
Ugh. I never felt the urge to publicly show how much I actually listen to girly music and follow this pop culture stuff. But, I'm tired of reading this crap.
Dear misinformed young female generation,
Kylie Minogue is not trying to be Lady Gaga. Christina Aguilera is not trying to be Lady Gaga. Madonna is not trying to be Lady Gaga. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, FU**ING LOOK AT DAVID BOWIE and maybe something will click? Lady Gaga is simply taking all her styles from the aforementioned artists and incorporating them into her style. If anything, she's copying David Bowie and Madonna more than ANYONE. Her name is even from Radio Gaga by Queen. Do you even know who Queen are?? Yeah, I thought you didn't. End of discussion.
I just watched a new video by Kylie Minogue and I saw some stupid fight in the comments below the video about how Kylie freakin' Minogue is copying Lady Gaga. Really? Uh, because Kylie only had a career when Miss Gaga was in diapers. C'mon, Madonna bra cones making a second appearance in the fucking strange Alejandro video? Who's copying who? The lightning bolt across Gaga's face in a one of her photoshoots? Who is that from? Yeah, the original Mr. David Bowie. Those platform crazy shoes? Have you seen any David Bowie footage of his earlier years? Jesus. If I hear in my lessons "I like Lady Gaga because she's so original and unique" one more time, I'm going to break out my Aladdin Sane album and smash it in their face. When I ask these girls, Do you know who David Bowie is? and I get blank stares, it's just a palm to the face....and moving on. Sigh.
It's definitely apparent the division of age is getting worse and I am feeling too old at just 27. This is pathetic.
End pointless rant
Friday, August 20, 2010
All in due time
I decided to catch back up on the 365 because even though the catch up images lack in imagination and much effort, it felt like I needed to complete it. It was a goal and I can't be leaving goals just hanging.
I'm not going to bother posting all the images one by one on here so here they are at my flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/g00nie9183/
So, I'm catching all that up and I go back to work tomorrow after a 2 week paid vacation from ECC. Honestly, those 2 weeks were long. It went by fairly fast, yet at the same time, extremely slow. I'm happy to get back to work and I'm sure within a few weeks time, I'll be complaining about needing a break.
I get an MRI on my neck on the 27th because of the numbness in my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. The neurologist believes that has something to do with the nerves in my neck, yet she didn't really approach my back numbness at all. Who knows. I went in originally about my out of control migraines, but somehow was treated for my numb fingers. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come when going to see doctors in Japan.
I'm a bit frustrated with a few things going on in my life and in my own personal struggles. I have these big dreams and wants that conflict with reality. I want to travel to see other parts of the world, but I don't want to do it alone. I want someone else to share it with. A friend, family member, or my boyfriend. Yet, my boyfriend seems content traveling to Canada for his short film that he already traveled there for before, but won't consider traveling to anywhere else to see his girlfriend. I mean, I'd love to see New Zealand. I know he does too. But, is he willing to meet me there? Probably not.
My family is not well off. So, the idea of one of them coming to see me during Christmas probably won't happen.
I'm lonely.
My training group is very split up between the cities, so seeing one another costs someone an amount of money. It also seems that groups who live closer together, obviously hang out together more. It's only logical considering they live within a distance that they don't have to worry about staying out all night or taking the last train home which cuts off around midnight.
Things are taking time to adjust to. A lot of time. It's my first time being on my own. I'm living alone as well as completely alone when it comes to friends within the area. (I mean Kyoto)
This isn't a I'M SO HAPPY I'M IN JAPAN post because it's not. It's reality. I AM happy I'm here, but I'm dealing with the shit that comes with uprooting yourself away from your family and friends to try and do something interesting with your life.
Ugh. I'm tired of writing because I seem to be just rambling and come off more and more negative. I think it has more to do that I just ended a conversation not so positively a bit ago and it's rubbing off in my blog.
So, here's til whenever I write in here again.
I'm not going to bother posting all the images one by one on here so here they are at my flickr:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/g00nie9183/
So, I'm catching all that up and I go back to work tomorrow after a 2 week paid vacation from ECC. Honestly, those 2 weeks were long. It went by fairly fast, yet at the same time, extremely slow. I'm happy to get back to work and I'm sure within a few weeks time, I'll be complaining about needing a break.
I get an MRI on my neck on the 27th because of the numbness in my pinky and ring finger on my left hand. The neurologist believes that has something to do with the nerves in my neck, yet she didn't really approach my back numbness at all. Who knows. I went in originally about my out of control migraines, but somehow was treated for my numb fingers. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come when going to see doctors in Japan.
I'm a bit frustrated with a few things going on in my life and in my own personal struggles. I have these big dreams and wants that conflict with reality. I want to travel to see other parts of the world, but I don't want to do it alone. I want someone else to share it with. A friend, family member, or my boyfriend. Yet, my boyfriend seems content traveling to Canada for his short film that he already traveled there for before, but won't consider traveling to anywhere else to see his girlfriend. I mean, I'd love to see New Zealand. I know he does too. But, is he willing to meet me there? Probably not.
My family is not well off. So, the idea of one of them coming to see me during Christmas probably won't happen.
I'm lonely.
My training group is very split up between the cities, so seeing one another costs someone an amount of money. It also seems that groups who live closer together, obviously hang out together more. It's only logical considering they live within a distance that they don't have to worry about staying out all night or taking the last train home which cuts off around midnight.
Things are taking time to adjust to. A lot of time. It's my first time being on my own. I'm living alone as well as completely alone when it comes to friends within the area. (I mean Kyoto)
This isn't a I'M SO HAPPY I'M IN JAPAN post because it's not. It's reality. I AM happy I'm here, but I'm dealing with the shit that comes with uprooting yourself away from your family and friends to try and do something interesting with your life.
Ugh. I'm tired of writing because I seem to be just rambling and come off more and more negative. I think it has more to do that I just ended a conversation not so positively a bit ago and it's rubbing off in my blog.
So, here's til whenever I write in here again.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Still here
It's been a while since I've written. Things have been going along and it's been quite a mix of emotions. I love exploring the new things and new places around me, but geez, that homesickness really can take a toll. Yes, I've been here one month so it's not exactly very cool to know that only after a month I'm yearning for home.
The answer to why is pretty apparent. I miss my boyfriend and my dog. (yes, my family too) But, the dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend and my pup are a bit more intense I guess. I miss them like crazy. I'm pretty alone out here in Kyoto because not many teachers are placed here. Most are in Osaka, so it's easy for them to get together and keep up the friendships. It's harder on me and my wallet to do so.
I'm also a little nervous when it comes to going to bars or places like that by myself.
It's a thing I just simply have to get over, but when you aren't exactly a drinker to just get drunk (I'm the social kind) I tend to avoid those areas.
Kyoto is amazing. It's fucking hot, but it's still great. When the cooler temperatures arrive, I will be outside as much as possible. The sun simply makes visiting certain places miserable.
So, I've got about 1 month more of this heat and hopefully that means I can enjoy Japan a bit more and maybe have this homesickness subside some.
I have a lot of photos being uploaded over on my facebook and some on my flickr. I'm sure there is a link to my flickr on here. Nobody reads this thing anyways.
The answer to why is pretty apparent. I miss my boyfriend and my dog. (yes, my family too) But, the dynamic of my relationship with my boyfriend and my pup are a bit more intense I guess. I miss them like crazy. I'm pretty alone out here in Kyoto because not many teachers are placed here. Most are in Osaka, so it's easy for them to get together and keep up the friendships. It's harder on me and my wallet to do so.
I'm also a little nervous when it comes to going to bars or places like that by myself.
It's a thing I just simply have to get over, but when you aren't exactly a drinker to just get drunk (I'm the social kind) I tend to avoid those areas.
Kyoto is amazing. It's fucking hot, but it's still great. When the cooler temperatures arrive, I will be outside as much as possible. The sun simply makes visiting certain places miserable.
So, I've got about 1 month more of this heat and hopefully that means I can enjoy Japan a bit more and maybe have this homesickness subside some.
I have a lot of photos being uploaded over on my facebook and some on my flickr. I'm sure there is a link to my flickr on here. Nobody reads this thing anyways.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This is the end, beautiful friend
After a lot of thought, I've decided to end my 365 early. Yeah, I know. BOOOO. HISSSS. Failure... bla bla bla. But, the way things have been going, it hasn't exactly been very easy to keep it up. I enjoyed all the awesomeness I had in the States, but I'd rather take photos for fun over here rather than in obligation. So, here's to the 322 photos I did get in. I'd say it was a good run.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
322/365
Diamond Dogs, Aladdin Sane, Young Americans...
I found a small store where to find some awesome band tees today. This one I could not pass up.
I found a small store where to find some awesome band tees today. This one I could not pass up.
Monday, July 19, 2010
319/365
I found a pretty big river that is easy access from my apartment. It's really beautiful during sunsets. Sorry for the lame repetition of photos though. Playing catch up has really been lacking in imagination.
318/365
Grocery shopping...oohhhhh soooo exciting. I took the good ol' bike to the foreign food market and picked up some food that I'm desperately missing. *ahem cheese*
4 more days of training to go and then I get thrown straight into it on Saturday. It's going to be a stressful week. Then I get 1 day off on Sunday and go straight into a newbie week of teaching.
I've realized how quiet I am to other people. I'm not very aware of it, but apparently I come off very shy and quiet. Meh, I'm really not once you get to know me, but then again I wonder how many people truly know me. My family and Stephen do for sure. Where can I meet some damn people in this city??!
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