My grandma and grandpa both said that she just seems so much happier. They said that they could just see it in her face. She sleeps with me at night and we warm each other under the blankets. It feels so good to be content with her curled up into my nook.
I went to a Christmas Party at Erin's and had a good time though I feel like for a while there were times where I felt really kinda like an outsider. Brittany wasn't with PJ because she went home for the holidays and he put it in a way that kinda made absolute sense. When you don't have that person with you it feels like you kinda have lost your wallet. I think that's the way I'm feeling everyday and going around Austin right now is giving me that tightness in my chest and feeling like I lost my wallet. Only this wallet won't be found. So, I'm sure my mood wasn't exactly inviting. But, some people that showed up I hadn't seen in forever and it was nice to talk with them. Others, not so much. A few jock types showed up and I left around the time they started taking over the kitchen and screaming songs.
The good thing was that my present went over really well. I didn't think anyone would actually play it, but since it was "crazy" Japanese, everyone had a blast with it. 5 stocking are attached at the toe end. All 5 people put a stocking over their head and then you have a tug of war. The last one with the stocking on his head wins.
I forgot who said it, but it literally made me laugh til' my stomach hurt. Someone suggested going into a store or bank and trying to rob with the thing on. Just the images from that sent me into giggle fits.
A really great surprise though was that Brandy has come into town until Monday or Tuesday, so Sunday we are going to a "Singles Mixer" to just go dance and have a good time. She's been through a lot of crap with a guy that basically was talking to a girl behind her back and ended up getting engaged to this other woman literally days after he had expressed a lot of feelings for her. He'd been lying to her for at least 8 months. It makes me sick to my stomach. So, her and I are both single and as much as does hurt to talk about it, at least we can comfort each other in some way.
So far it's been an interesting couple of days. My brother's been awesome. I might be hanging out with him more than I thought. It actually makes me incredibly happy to be able to bond with him for a while before I go back to finish out the contract. After seeing Kaya and her reaction, I dunno if another year is even plausible. I think it'd be a bad idea to commit to a full year. I was really thinking about it since I have nothing attaching me here except her and family. But, now actually seeing how she's doing and apparently her behavioral changes according to my grandparents definitely are making me rethink that possibility. I think it would be best to end the contract and go to Korea and also Taiwan/Tokyo before I leave Japan for good. We'll see.
I found journals I've had since I was 17 from the beginning of when I met Stephen. I haven't read all of them, but I'm reading about how events went on from that age on all the way until June 2004. It documents so many things that I knew I should see now. I feel like maybe I was just so naive. Here in these pages, it's giving me a bit of comfort because this was me years and years ago, but it has the exact same issues I have almost 8 years later. Why didn't I have the foresight to see what this would have led to? Maybe Stephen and I both would have had moved on to find other people better suited to us at least, I dunno. Something. What I'm gonna do is compile them and then record them and print it out so I have one book where I can find all these journal entries easily. But, the only answer for all my stupidity after reading these entries is the only thing that is written after each entry. "But, I love him."
I feel like it's some sort of ridiculous Shakespearean tragedy.
Coming home over the holidays has had me come face to face with the foreseeable future in April when I come home and though it's really shitty and difficult, I don't feel as lost as I thought I would. Vulcan does feel a bit strange and foreign. But, I dunno if it's just the circumstances now. When I asked them to take Stephen off my account overseas, they didn't do it. That pissed me off quite a bit because it disrespected something really simple. Well, I did it myself and wrote on there that he was to use his own account. They can give him free movies all they want, but not on my account. It's as easy as that.
Anyways, I'll be getting onto compiling these silly journals and making something that is a quick reference for myself that is a lot of memories both good and bad. It brings more sense into the breakup.
Still, no matter how much sense is brought into it, the breakup still is one of the most painful things I've dealt with. I'm losing not my boyfriend, but I'm losing my best friend. I think that what hurts the most. I think as long as I don't hear about an engagement within the next few months, I should hopefully continuing on but at least moving farther and farther away from Nov. 22nd. That should hopefully will mean I can move on easier as time passes.
Another long entry that's just pathetically sad and lonely. But, it's a release and if anyone doesn't like reading it, then stop fucking reading it. Think what you want of me, but dealing with a breakup with a person you've known for 10 years is going to take time to get over. This just happens to help me write out some feelings and kinda make sense of everything.
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