I've been reading Jane Eyre and so I'm finding dated words coming into my vocabulary lately. I keep writing things like "hence" and "no avail." But, I'm finding myself speaking in ways that come from the Victorian era as well. It's weird how much reading a book can effect your immediate propriety of language.
Anyways, it was good to get a proper goodbye when I dropped her off at her grandma's. Unfortunately, her grandma has stage 4 lung cancer and it's spread to her lymphatic system. I don't like expecting her to come back to Texas only under the circumstances of something so upsetting. Regrettably, I'll probably be in Japan when Charlotte passes and Brandy has to make her way back here with her family. I really wish I could be here for her.
After dropping her off, I met up with Caitie at her new place. I haven't seen her in such a long time. I met her friends Maddie (sp?) and Betsy. The three of them together is hilarious. It's a whirlwind of energy from those three.
You've gotta love Maddie's photo bomb.
We ended up making our way to Beerland for karaoke just for old times sake. I actually had the balls to get up on stage and sing twice. I realize now though that their set up is still as shitty as ever. You can't hear yourself, so you never know or you don't feel as confident that you are on key. Either way, it was interesting. I somehow talked my mom into coming. She's always going on about doing karaoke, so she finally got her night out. But, I don't think she enjoyed it as much as getting a private room. But, I agree with her. I have the same sentiment.
Mama's resolution to keep some of the cold out of my room was to hang that blanket. The rest of the house seems to keep warm, but since I only have the shutters, my room tends to be freezing. The heat doesn't want to stay in.
I'm feeling really restless today, but at the same time just don't want to do anything. I guess that's why I keep writing about nothing. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied because I keep going to darker thoughts for some reason today. I guess that's why I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible while I've been here. As soon as I stop, I start thinking too much. It's a curse. A horrible curse. I think it's the reason for my incessant insomnia and for other faults in my personality. Once my mind starts going on one thing, it tends to not quit until some sort of outcome or resolution has been observed. If I have an idea in my mind, no matter what it is (positive or negative), it's always wheeling around in my mind. It might be one of the reason's why I'm in Japan for the third time. Once I had it in my mind that I was going to live there for at least a year, it never quit. Even when I came home after the failure of JET. It's strange because I vowed never to return to Japan after the JET debacle, but here I am now on vacation after being there for 6 months.
I was looking at return flights yesterday and it's going to cost at least $1K to come back home. After seeing this and thinking of things I need here in Austin to return home to, it's looking more and more like I might be staying until June. This time it's not really a choice, but a matter of finances. I thought I was going to save a lot more than I have and the truth is I haven't. I calculated about how much I make at my job and it's around $11 an hour. That's actually not that much when thinking about what it takes to live comfortably while in Japan and trying to save at the same time. I can't be a hermit while I'm there. I'll go insane. It's already caused me enough grief. I've already lost so much by going to Japan, so I need to somehow regain some sort of sanity.
The thing I worry about the most is though is this:
Both of them told me that after the weekend with my mom, Kaya could tell something was seriously wrong and hasn't been acting the same since. Apparently, she's been down and out and just not herself. This is what I worried about. I knew that taking Kaya away from Stephen would have an effect, but it wasn't until I saw it in the flesh that I have wondered if I've made a good decision. Mama gave me a homemade calendar of photos of Kaya for christmas. EVERY single shot of her is apparently after that weekend and each picture is just pathetic. I've never seen such an unhappy animal.
But, it's not just me and Kaya in this equation. It's Stephen as well. I don't plan to approach the subject anymore because it's an issue that's been beaten to death. When I go back to Japan for the rest of my contract, I'm leaving Kaya's welfare with my grandparents. I trust whatever decisions they make and I don't plan to question anything they do. They know Kaya just as much as I do and they love her just as much.
This entry has gotten way too long and I think I need to go exercise my mind on something else.
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