My mind is all over the place

I have the day off today. I don't have any intention of going anywhere because I'm not in the mood to really do anything. I know it's a bad idea because then I sit in my apt. and my mind starts jumping around to everything. It's constantly preoccupied with bad thoughts and nervousness in my stomach. I'm waiting for the next bomb to drop. The next kick to my stomach.

It's getting really cold to the point now that just sitting and waiting for the train results in me chattering my teeth. I know it's only going to get colder, but I really don't mind. I like winter. I like layering up and the thought of sitting with a hot drink and a good book under a blanket soothe me. Unfortunately, this all takes place in my mind on the couch at the farm where everything is quiet. When I come home for the holidays, I plan on taking my dog, book, camera, and just staying away from the city for a couple of days. My family's farm is a solace for me. I like embracing my german heritage there and seeing all the old things that lay around the house. I never want to lose it.

I'm gonna start working on a portrait. I'm gonna push myself to make my mind work on something that will be productive versus having my mind wander towards all the bad thoughts surrounding something I have no control over. It's the most devastating feeling knowing that you are the only one hurting while the other can just get over it so quickly. Only a few things allow for someone to be that quick to recovery and that's why my mind goes to all those negative places.

But then, in contrast, I think of the future. I talked to my friend Dan last night and he helped me out with a plan for the fall semester. He's like a superpower when it comes to knowing UT inside and out, so his help is so appreciated. He's going to help me figure out a good schedule that would up my GPA while also getting me the coursework that would help push my foot in the door in the info science dept. While doing all that, I want to and will be studying for the GRE. I need a math tutor. It might be all in vain and I won't be accepted to the graduate program at UT, but maybe it doesn't have to be UT. If UT is #1 in archival studies, where is #2? 3? 4? I will apply to as many grad programs as possible and hope for the best.

While doing that, I still want to do videography for the festivals around town. I know I'm good to do it for the Austin Film Festival, but for the others, I will have to go about trying to network as best I can. I realize I relied on my ex for that. I should have been doing it myself and making these connections myself. Though, I dunno if he would be as cruel as to throw a wrench in that for me. But, you never know. It's just one of the many negative head spaces I keep going to. How is this going to effect my future and the things I love to do?? Mutual things I love to do? I guess only time can tell and I need to stop letting it take over my mind set here. I'm obviously in a bad place right now. Nobody needs this baggage.