Rainy days

It's been nothing but rain on my days off the last couple of weeks. Today, a typhoon is making it's way through so it's pretty wet and somewhat breezy outside. So, I get to spend another 2 days inside when I should be going out. Cabin fever is hitting soon. The also terrible thing is that rainy season apparently has officially started. So, the next month or more will be mostly rainy days.
My school days are starting to become less stressful with the more weeks that go by and the regularity of seeing the same kids starts to become more constant. I can say I hate my last kids class of the week. They all deserve to be slapped in the head. It's 7 boys, all who are little pricks who's parents obviously don't understand the concept of discipline. I can't ever imagine being a teacher. I know me being an ESL teacher makes it a different situation, but jesus, I could never do this for the rest of my life. I get too stressed out.
Things are still day by day. I am half and half on coming home in August. That or I can choose to go to Taiwan on our "summer vacation" and see a different country for 11 days. It's pretty cheap to fly to Taiwan. I wanted to go to Australia or New Zealand, but the amount of money it costs to go there right now is way too expensive and I simply don't have the funds for it. While trying to save to go home and also see other countries is a bit of a juggle. I'm not like a bunch of other people around here that have money out there asses.
There is one girl who's spent most of her teens and youth simply traveling the US on 4 different roadtrips, just hung out in Spain for 4 months, and also random other places in Europe. Now she's in Japan. It must be nice not having to worry about where your income is coming from and where you have to send it or spend it. It's not just her, but a few other people here who clearly have no idea what it's like to actually depend on your paycheck. I don't get some of them here who somehow spend their entire paycheck a week before we get paid. What the hell are you doing?!?
Then again, I dated that for 10 years. Mommy and Daddy pay for everything. It makes you sick to your stomach to ask, so how was your Christmas? "Oh, I got this $$$$$ and $$$$ and $$$$ and etc..." I'm happy to get one present from my family. MY FAMILY. Not from mom, then dad, then sister, then aunt, etc... I get a present from the family. People who disrespect their family to the point of sucking them dry makes me sick. There is no respect at all. 
I made a mistake going home during Christmas. It took a large chunk of money I could have put in the bank and also probably would have saved me a lot of grief as well. But, the trade off of seeing family and my pup was just as good.
I have a feeling I'll be sad wherever I go. The deep seed of grief I feel now is how much I miss my dog and how much I'm missing my sister grow up. Those two things get me the most. But, I also miss my grandparents and hearing papa call me sugar britches and here him tell me to always be careful. I miss mama's quiet strength and her just listening to me and talking with me when I would be home before going to work.
And yeah, I miss the comfort of the relationship that was there and the regularity and knowing the other person so well that things kinda were just as they were. They became habit. I guess that was one of the downfalls. Now I don't know how to function in a dating relationship. I feel very alien to it.
Les and I are dating. We talked about it and that's about as far as it goes. A relationship means to be something that is a lot more. It's the commitment and the trust and the love.
I don't have those with Les. Well, I trust him. But, I mean in terms of a long term relationship, that trust should be deeply embedded and stronger than any other bond. Once broken, it's dead.
There is no commitment or love to this dating relationship I have here. It may be adding to my foul moods here because I'm just back to what I was in with Stephen. Why bother? If there is no future or if the words literally that were said was "pointless relationship or uncertain relationship" is used, why bother? Really? I don't have any idea why I should put any effort into something that has nothing to gain from.
I think I've gained insight on how it is to truly be alone. I mean, no family, no friends, and no boyfriend. I relied on boyfriends until I was 27. Now, still at 27 but 6 months on from the breakup, I am finally understanding what it is to be truly alone.

I guess the rain does fit with how I've been feeling. Cold and dreary. It seems I'm doomed to always feel this way. Nothing ever seems to unburden me. I am constantly fighting off some sort of depression or feeling unfulfilled. I'm not really sure what to do anymore. Medication makes me feel worse and the side effects are horrid. All I can do is depress the people around me or make people pretty much despise hanging out with me. I'm a downer. I know it. Too bad I have no idea what to do about it. So, it goes up on this outlet and then I can depress the wider world through the power of the internet.
Glad to be of service.