Dear 40 (38) year old me...

Hey 38 year old me. You were just sharing about all the things you had done in the last 10 years from 18-28 with the intention of updating at 38. Well, gotta a little surprise for you. You've been through a damn hell of a lot. Currently, you're in therapy with the intention of using EMDR to help with the abuse brought on by a NPD Spaniard you wasted 8 years of your life on. But heyyyy, that's not the only fun part. So, where did I leave off 28 year old me? Ah, that's right. Let's start with Les. Les, the bisexual man that you dated while in Japan who was finding men on craigslist to have sex with while you were away at home or on vacation. You tried really hard to make it work. I mean...you tried. You did things that only someone who loved another could do, but alas - that was a horrific period of time when the break up happened and you decided to finally return home to the USA. Tail between the legs, but at the same time - ready to get the fuck home back to Texas. This was February 2013 when you came home and let's just say, you were happy with your Kaya-bear and started up your friendship with Cait like you never left. Sorry to say, you only get to see Taiwan, but hey. The future is going to bring you to bigger and better places. Places you never expected to ever end up in. No, you do not have children, but yes you are married...in the USA. Not in Spain where you currently live. Long story on that one we can save for a rainy day that we will simply title Alvaro (cursed). I am in a job that I used to enjoy but now feels more like a chore than the creative space I felt I was having fun doing. I own my own business, Social Unity Media, and because of your business - you've gotten some pretty amazing clients including The United Nations, The Olympics, The Black Eyed Peas, Dr. Laura Berman (kinda cool), and I dunno if Eagles of Death Metal count - but you did work for Slim Jim Phantom and Jennie Vee by going on tour with them. YES, you jumped on a tour van and toured with Jesse Hughes of EODM fame. The meth head who has a heart of gold but the worst brain. I live now in Madrid, Spain via Amsterdam, Netherlands, via Bremen, Germany. How the fuck did that happen? I have no idea but it did. So, yes you get to see Germany and even live in it for 6 months working as a videographer for a video game company, but no sorry - you're a girl and you're not seeing Egypt without a man. You're still on all your healthy kicks and habits, especially during the pandemic (didn't see that one coming, did you?) but the breakup and subsequent brutal mental abuse by your ex kinda took care of the weight loss and health issues you are currently enduring. But, luckily after 2 years, you meet somone so sweet, so too good to be true - you're scared shitless. But, it's been 6 months and a lot of roller coasters in my mental health and he's still here. So, let's see where we are in another 6 months. Your brother still is an artist but does it on his own while working for Amazon as a delivery driver. Your sister, she still does nothing at the age of 22...almost 23. Mom is fairly self-sufficient but not in any way that will be long term. You and your dad have opened communication and it's ok, because you don't put up with bullshit anymore. You've cut out any toxic people in your life including clients (Black Eyed Peas!!). Yup, you fired BEP because of their asshole of a manager. But, Rachel - karma comes. Kaya does die and it kills you inside. She dies while you are working in Germany and you have to watch on skype as she passes in the arms of Stephen, god bless him. It turns your world upside down and it doesn't alleviate. When you move to Amsterdam, that urge of taking care of an animal is so strong you get a rabbit and name her Artemis. For 7 years, she is your baby. You learn a lot about rabbits and how sensitive, expensive, and loving they are. You had three, but Artemis lived the longest. Yes, 38 me - I'm still alive and still living in Madrid, Spain for the last 7 years. I'll be here 8 years in August. It's incredible how time flies. But, there are so many bumps in the road that I don't intend to write about now. It's not the time. The failures of dating I will try to make funny, but my relationship with Ritch and Alvaro deserve their own blogs. So, I'll wait to share those stories for another day. Sadly I do have to tell you, you have tried to end your life multiple times. All from deep depression or influence of medication. But, you're still alive at 40 and guess what? You have a puppy now. Her name is Raziel, just in the same theme of Willow as Kaya was. Fin Raziel was the good witch and Raz is your little monster of a Jack Russell Terrier, but just as sweet. Your baby and savior in many ways. You asked if I was happy and it was the only thing you wanted me to be, but I have to be honest. I'm not. I've endured 2 and half years of NPD abuse from an ex that would not leave you alone. He left you lifeless in your bed. He left you all bones, crying hysterically on the floor. He robbed you of all your belief systems. He tore away your trust. He lied. He strung you along so much that all your skin was ripped off piece by piece as he kept going. Your soul was crushed. It took a lot for you to get on a plane to leave, but you did it and yet he still didn't want to let go. 2 months later you filed a police report and it finally ended his connection to your life. He's Catholic. I'm not, but if I was - I curse every single year he lives and that he does not accomplish anything he tries or if he does, it comes with a caveat. A baby? It's autistic. A wife? She cheats on him. A job he wants? He gets passed on for roles he wants more than others. The story of Alvaro will be known and it will be here. So, Danica at 40. You are currently healing from the mental sabotage of Alvaro Garcia Lopez and have been diagnosed with CPTSD and are being treated with antidepressants, antianxiety meds, and sleep aids. You see a psychiatrist and a psychologist weekly with EMDR to pick up soon after 7 months. I hope it works. I really, really do. You have a dog name Raziel, you've said goodbye to two cherished pets, you are dating a wonderful man that you are scared of pushing away, but only time can ever tell. So, 50 year old Danica - if you live to that age. Is Luis still in your life? Is Raziel? What job are you doing now and where are you living? What changes have happened in your life? All the blogs following will be stories of my time between 28 - 38 because wow, did I live a life and half in those years. Cheers Danica at 40. Somehow you've done more than you can possibly think of yet at the same time find yourself so sad. Here's to hopeful healing so that life by 41 is finally on the right side of things.